Knight of Ocean Avenue (24 page)

Amy stepped up, flashing her usual spandex. “We believe everything that Millicent said. Plus we want you to be happy, and we don’t think you would be happy working with somebody else. You want to do your business your way, and we signed on because we believe in that.”

Shaz reached up and wiped his face. “Sorry, I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately. I can’t tell you how much it means that you understand that.”

“Then no partnership with the LA guy, okeydokey?” Cass crossed her arms in victory.

Shaz nodded. It was like someone just gave him his life back. “Okeydokey.”

Ru stepped forward and put an envelope on his desk.

“What’s this?” He looked down at the formal white vellum—with the Fashion Institute return address.

Ru grinned. “Open it. We’re all dying here.”

He used a letter opener on the envelope. “The Fashion Institute of Los Angeles cordially asks your presence at the Fashion Institute Gala Award Banquet. Please RSVP by yada yada.” He looked up at a bunch of anxious faces. “Nothing special. Just the banquet.”

Ru shook his head. “You’ve never gotten a written invite before, just an announcement flyer and e-mail.”

“So? They got fancy.”

Millicent clapped her hands. “I’ll bet you’re getting an award.” A couple of the others nodded.

“I doubt it.”

“I’ll bet you are!”

He wanted to cry again. “Thank you for believing in me, all of you. We’ll get a table at the banquet and all go. It will be our celebration. We don’t need an award.”

That got some big grins. Millicent asked, “Can we raid the style closet?”

“Hell, yes. We’ll be the best-dressed table at the damned gala.”

Ru must be able to tell he was just hanging on, so he started ushering people out of the office. He looked over his shoulder at Shaz. “Seems like we might need to know if that building you found can be renovated into the studio you want.”

Shaz frowned. “I’ve looked at the numbers. The renovation would take too much of our operating capital. If I’m not doing this thing with Alex, then we can’t afford it.” He shook his head. “We can’t have it both ways. You’re sure you want to pass up a big opportunity like this? It affects you as much as me.”

Ru stepped over to Shaz’s side and put the omnipresent tablet in front of him. “Look.”

The screen showed the site of one of the fashion gossip bloggers, a favorite of Ru’s. “What am I looking at?”

Ru reached out and scrolled down the page. A small story read
Star Declining for Longstory?
The text went on to say that while the fashion press continued to extol his praises, the blogger had inside information that indicated Longstory was losing clients to younger, hipper stylists.
Son of a bitch
. He looked up at Ru. “You think it’s true?”

“Yes.” He drew his brows together. “I trust this blogger. She’s seldom wrong. And it makes sense. Yes, you are the hottest guy on two feet, but you’re also one of the fastest-rising stars in fashion. I think Alex wants you to save his ass as much as he wants to poke yours.”

Shaz sat back. “Probably much more. As much as I want to believe I’m irresistible.”

Ru nodded.

“Thank you, dear. Speaking of asses, how many times in my life have you saved mine?”

“The truth is, going into business with the man probably wouldn’t be awful from a financial perspective. He does have a very famous name. You have the skills. Together, you could probably be a success. But why? It’s a big millstone to hang around your neck.”

Shaz rested his face in his hands. “Thank you. I didn’t want to do it. No matter who it was good for.”

Ru rested his hands on Shaz’s shoulders. “It’s time for you to do what’s good for you.”

He looked up. “I wish I knew what that was.”

“You do.”

Shaz glared at him.

Ru held up his hands in surrender. “Okay. But one thing I do know, darling.”

“What?”

“You’re going to need one helluva date for the gala.”

Shaz started to cry again.

B
ILLY
SLIPPED
out onto the half-finished porch to escape the sound of hammers. He sipped some water from his metal bottle and stared down at the drawing. He should chuck this thing, but somehow working on it kept him sane. It made him feel good to imagine that Shaz had this great place to work.

“Hey, buddy, what ya got?” Jim clapped him on the shoulder and peeked around his back to look at the drawing. Billy folded it quickly. “Nothing. Just something I’ve been doodling on.”

“C’mon, let me see.”

Oh, what the hell? Why not?
He unfolded the paper and held it out for Jim.

“Hey, man, that’s cool. Where is this place?”

“It’s an old building I saw in downtown Laguna. I just imagined what it could look like. It needs a lot of work, but it’s got real potential.”

“It’s not a project? Shit, man, I’d love to work on this with you. These are great ceilings. Where do you come up with these ideas?”

Billy shrugged. “I’ve just been doing this a long time.’

“Not as long as me. You’re just a natural. You gotta get that license so you can build your own stuff.”

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve got a phobia about tests. Can’t take them. They freak me out.” There, he’d said it. He hadn’t even exploded or anything.

“That’s the shits. Anything I can do to help?”

Billy shook his head. “Thanks, but I don’t seem to be able to get past it.”

“Well, damn. Can’t you petition them or something? Like a handicap?”

He smiled. “Sorry. Doubt they’d consider it a reason. They’d tell me to get over it.”

Jim shrugged and leaned on the railing. “At least it makes more sense than your usual reason. Everybody on this crew knows you’re smart as hell.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course, you’re mother-fuckin’ ugly.”

Billy punched Jim’s shoulder, got a punch back, and they both went in to work.

An hour later, the guys were starting to slow down and clean up, cover equipment, and get ready to leave for the day. Harry climbed off a ladder. “Hey, Raoul, you goin’ out with us tonight?”

“Naw, can’t. I have to have dinner with my wife’s fag nephew and his fucking boyfriend. Seriously. I mean, this guy is a football star in college but he smokes dicks, man. What the hell?”

Billy stood there. Somebody else said something. White noise. All his life he’d heard people say shit just like that. Maybe he didn’t agree, but he never said a word about it. Now he felt sick.

Jim looked over at him. “Billy, you okay?”

He shook his head. It sounded like the ocean in his ears.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m gay.”

Jim grinned. “Yeah, right. You’re sick is what you are.”

He took a deep breath. “No. I’m gay. Sorry I never told you, but I didn’t exactly know.”

The room got quieter. Harry said, “What did he say?”

Billy looked up. “I said I’m gay. I haven’t been keeping it from you. I just didn’t quite know it. You know how I never seem to be able to go through with my engagements? Yeah, well, I finally figured out that’s why.” He walked over to his tool case. All the guys just stared at him. “Sorry. I doubt they’ll take me off the job since they don’t have another supervisor, but if you want to get reassigned, just let me know, okay? No hard feelings. Thanks.” He grabbed the carrier and walked out the door.

There it was.

He’d just come out.

If you didn’t count wanting to die, it wasn’t so bad.

“Billy!”

He turned around and saw Jim jogging toward him. Jim stopped and looked up at Billy. “You’re serious?”

“Not something I’d likely say otherwise.”

“Yeah. Man.” He shook his head and stared at his boots. Another deep breath and he looked up at Billy. “I want you to know that I’m sorry for every piece of shit trash I’ve slung at homos for the last five years. You’re a good guy. You were five minutes ago and you still are. I’m proud to work with you. Just sayin’. You got a boyfriend? That why you never come out to the bar with us?”

“No. I guess I didn’t feel comfortable, but I didn’t know why.”

“Well, you’re welcome at any table where I sit, Ballew. Any time, including now if you want to come.”

“Probably the guys need some process time.”

“Yeah. Maybe. But there won’t be any more trash-talking where I’m sitting, so they’ll have to decide.”

“Thank you, Jim.”

“You earned whatever respect you get.”

“Not everyone will see it that way.”

“No.”

“I appreciate you telling me.”

“I think of you as a friend. This don’t change that.”

Billy stuck out his hand. “Thank you.”

Jim took his hand, then pulled him in for the one-arm guy hug.

Billy stared down at his work boots. “Only one other person knows.”

“No shit? You weren’t kidding about not knowing?”

Billy shook his head.

“Sometime over a couple beers, you’ll have to tell me how you didn’t know.”

Billy shrugged. “Still figuring that out myself.”

“But you’re sure?”

“When the words came out of my mouth in there, I knew I was sure.”

“Brave man to try it out on this crew.”

Billy smiled. “Yeah. I figured I’d go for the top. Well, except my mother.”

“I read somewhere that this guy said it was easier to be black than to be gay because you didn’t have to tell your mother that you’re black.”

Billy nodded.

“How bad will it be?”

He sighed. “Bad.”

B
ILLY
SCANNED
down the price list. If he replaced the travertine with slate, that would save a lot of money and look just as good. Yeah, Shaz was a travertine kind of guy, but they could find a really elegant slate instead.

Or rather, Shaz could find the slate.

Billy stretched, sighed, and pushed back from his computer. He’d been sitting here for hours, ever since he got home from work. It must be ten or later. Working on this building kept him from thinking about what the fuck the guys at work must be saying. But Jim had been amazing, and Jim’s opinion counted a lot with those guys.

He glanced at the screen again. Who was he kidding? Shaz would never even see this. But he should. This building could be perfect for him.

“Merwaowr.”

He reached down and scratched Clancy’s big head. “He should see it, shouldn’t he?”

Yerby leaped in his lap for some love. Billy pressed his cheek against the black, silky fur. “Do you miss him too? I think you guys liked him a lot.”

Clancy got jealous and jumped up beside Yerby, which made for a lot of fur, even on his big body. He tried to keep up with the butting heads demanding attention. Funny how empty he felt. Like he had a space in him.

His phone rang, Clancy leaped to the floor, and Yerby started to sniff. Typical cats. He fished in his pocket for the phone and cracked a little smile. Teresa. “Hi, sis.”

“Hi. So I gave you a little space since your performance at the family dinner yesterday. Any remarks you’d care to make?”

He knew she’d ask, so he’d been thinking. “I didn’t show up intending to insult Mom, but I’m honest and truly sick of her digging in my business. I’ll get married when and if I want to, and I don’t have to report to her on the subject.”

“Bravo. About time.”

“So I get the impression that there’s a lot of stuff you’ve wanted to say to me that you didn’t say.”

“You weren’t ready to hear it, Billy. You were plodding along in a life someone else created for you. You had to see that before you could change.”

“Yeah, well, I saw it.”

“Can I ask what prompted this new clarity?”

Oh hell, this was Teresa. “I’m gay.”

Silence.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to shock you.”

“I’m not shocked. I’ve suspected it for some time.”

“Teresa! What the hell else aren’t you telling me about myself?”

She chuckled. “Not much, except maybe that you really like that redheaded stylist from the wedding. Shaz.”

Oh shit, that hurt
. His turn to be quiet.

“Billy? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He sighed. “Everything. I kind of found out I was gay because of the way I felt about Shaz. But now it’s over and I feel so—hurt, I guess. Not by him. Hell, he doesn’t owe me anything. Just by the world. I finally find out who I am and get kicked in the gut for it.”

“Finding out who you are is always painful and never a bad thing.”

“What made you so smart?”

“It’s hard to be yourself with Mama around, but that just means getting there is sweeter.”

“Not so far.” But wait. “Actually, that’s not completely true. I told the guys at work, and Jim came and gave me a lot of support. I really appreciated it. And you too.”

“You came out at work?”

“Yeah.”

“Brave man.” She chuckled. “That should reorient some of their thinking. One of their own is gay.”

“I guess.”

She sighed. “Funny. I would have sworn Shaz was totally into you.”

“He was, kind of. I was sort of a pause between two rich boyfriends.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I think so. Why?”

“I just remember glancing up and seeing that guy look at you and it was like music played and bluebirds chirped, seriously. Real hearts and flowers. I remember I was hoping you turned out to be gay, because Shaz was in for some heartache if you weren’t.”

“You wanted me to be gay?”

“If you were, yes. I want you to stop kidding yourself. And I want you to have Shaz if you want him.”

“Yeah, well, he got a better offer.”

“
Do
you want him?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why don’t you fight for him? Come on.”

He ran a hand over Yerby’s back. “You wouldn’t say that if you saw my competition. The guy’s famous and rich and really good-looking. He wants Shaz to go into business with him.”

“Well, if you lost Shaz, I’m truly sorry. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Just remember, we don’t always want what the world thinks we should want.”