Knight of Darkness (16 page)

“And Arthur was killed.”

He nodded, his eyes dark with his own pain. It was obvious Blaise had loved Arthur, too, and Merewyn wished she’d met the man who’d inspired such love and loyalty from these men. He must have been great indeed. “Varian has never forgiven himself for not being there to fight by Arthur’s side.”

“But he won’t fight for evil. You saw how they
beat him in the dungeon, and still he refused to serve them.”

“And yet he would have allowed your throat to be cut before he joined them. A purely good man would never sacrifice an innocent life for any reason. Varian would. As I said, he’s not firmly planted on either side.”

Perhaps that was true. Perhaps it wasn’t. But she refused to believe that Varian would ever be purely evil.

“Not all of you hate him, Blaise. You don’t.”

“Only because I understand him.”

“And his brother—”

“Hates him bitterly.”

She was surprised by that. Even though Varian had refused to speak of Galahad, she would have assumed his brother, who was reported to be so noble and pure, would be able to love Varian in spite of everything. “Why would he hate him?”

“He blames Varian for Elaine’s suicide.”

She frowned at him. “Why?”

“Elaine was brutal to Varian after Narishka returned him to Camelot. She couldn’t stand to see him because he reminded both her and Lancelot of Narishka’s treachery. Elaine was embittered by the fact that her husband loved someone else. She’d tried everything to win Lancelot’s love, but it was hopeless. Even though he never touched Guinevere, he loved her more than his life. Since Elaine couldn’t hurt Lancelot without ruining herself and Galahad, or attack Narishka, she turned
her hatred to Varian.” He flinched as if something had struck him.

“What?”

Blaise wiped his hand over his face. “I was thinking of one summer day when Elaine had caught Varian boasting to other boys that he would grow to be the noblest knight in all the land. One who would fight for Arthur and drive back the evil in the kingdom. He was wearing Lancelot’s grail medallion. Enraged by the sight of it and by his words, Elaine tore it off him and washed his mouth out for lying. But not even that soothed her. She sheared the hair from his head with a dagger that left him bleeding, then threw him out into the sty with the pigs and told him to stay there until his father returned that night.”

His words nauseated her. How could any woman do something like that to a child? “What did Lancelot do?”

“He had Varian whipped for daring to touch his medallion. When it was over, he cut Varian from the post and kicked him over. He’d heated the medallion, and while Varian lay sobbing on the ground, begging for his father’s mercy, Lancelot branded the medallion’s symbol into Varian’s shoulder. ‘That’s as close to the grail as you will ever come, worm,’ he’d said to him. ‘Let it serve as a reminder to you of what happens when the unworthy touch it. Maybe its goodness will burn the evil out of you.’ Then he cooled the medallion down and gave it to Galahad.”

A single tear fled down her cheek as her throat closed from the agony of such a thing happening to anyone. Clearing her throat, she wiped the tear hastily away. “Didn’t anyone stop it?”

“The only one who had the authority to do that was Arthur, and he wasn’t there at the time.”

“No one else would stand up for him? My God, he was only a child.”

He shook his head sadly. “After that, Varian never spoke of being noble or a knight again.”

“Yet he’s a knight now.”

“Only because Arthur went against his entire court to make it so. Lancelot was so angry over it that neither he nor Galahad even attended. Instead of the ceremony and celebration that men enjoy when they’re knighted, Varian was actually booed by the knights of the Round Table when he took his vows. The entire Brotherhood of the Table turned their backs to him when he stood up to receive his sword. Disgusted with all of them, Varian never took the sword from Arthur’s hand. He took his dagger from his waist, cut the mantle from his shoulders, and walked out with his head held high.”

“Why would they do such a thing?”

“Because they all expected him to turn on them.
All
of them. Even Arthur, I think.”

“But that doesn’t explain why Galahad blames him for his mother’s death.”

Blaise drew a ragged breath before he continued. “Picture this. Varian was twelve, tall for his
age and extremely thin. Arthur had chosen him to be one of the royal squires, and he was at a crowded banquet, serving wine to the guests. When he drew near Elaine, she began her usual condemnations of him that had the people around her laughing. As he withdrew, he accidentally spilled a bit on Elaine’s dress sleeve. Incensed, she started berating him on how worthless he was. Varian had suffered her tongue in silence for years, but that night, as people laughed at the insults she dealt him, something inside him snapped. He turned on her with the fired eyes of an Adoni and snarled at her, ‘They may laugh at me openly, Elaine, but you they mock behind your back. Why not, for once, speak the truth of why you hate me so? We all know it. You hate me because I’m nothing but a reminder of the fact that my father doesn’t love you. He never has, and he never will. You had to trick him to marry you because he loves someone else.’

“Arthur shouted at him to be silent, but Varian refused. Too many years of their cruelty had built up inside him. He scanned everyone there, and curled his lip. ‘All of you have made deals with the Adoni, and you hate me because I know who you are and what deals you’ve made. I may be a bastard whose conception was bartered so that a whore could have one night’s pleasure and a knight-merlin to call husband, but at least my sins are on the table for all to see. I don’t hide them from the person sitting next to me who thinks he’s
my friend while I secretly plot his destruction. So laugh at me if you will. Insult me if you want. But in the end, it doesn’t change the fact that I know all of you.
All
of you and the meanness that you hide from everyone, even yourselves.’

“And then he looked at Elaine. ‘You could never be the woman my father loves. She’s kind where you’re cruel. She’s beautiful where you’re ugly. You’re not even fit to lick her hem. I’m his own flesh and bone, and he hates me. What makes you think for one minute that he’ll ever forgive you for the lie you told? And every time he sees me, he hates you even more. Admit it, you’re nothing but a selfish whore who is a laughingstock to everyone.’ Then he set his wine decanter down and walked from the hall with nothing but silence following in his wake.”

Merewyn was aghast at what he’d done. She understood it, but at the same time, it must have horrified Elaine and everyone who witnessed it. “What did she do?”

“She sat there mortified with her gaze on the floor. No one knew what to do or say until Emrys Penmerlin came forward. He told everyone to ignore Varian. He was only an angry child who would be lashed later for his insolence…and he was. But Elaine knew how true Varian’s words were and later that night, she poisoned herself in her chambers.”

Merewyn covered her mouth as horror filled her. It was tragic what’d been done to them all
and for what? So that Narishka could have a child she didn’t even want?

“And Varian? What did he do?”

“He didn’t speak for two years after that. Not a single word to anyone. He blamed himself solely for Elaine’s death. There hadn’t been any love between him and Galahad before her suicide. After it…” He shook his head as if the truth of their relationship was so brutal he couldn’t even speak of it.

“So he’s been alone all his life.”

Blaise nodded.

Merewyn looked away as grief and anger for Varian washed through her. How awful to have been so hated. She still couldn’t understand why none of them could embrace a boy who had most likely been scared.

And now his mother had turned on him again. An unreasoning fury consumed her. How dare Narishka do that to him! She wished for one moment that she had the powers of an Adoni. That she could go and make Narishka pay for what she’d done.

But she was just a woman. One who had no powers. No strength. Nothing to fight with.

“Why so glum?”

She looked up at Varian’s voice to see him and the brothers approaching the fire. He was carrying a small string of three hares. His armor was gone again, and he was dressed in black leather breeches and a thin leather jerkin.

“We were just discussing the uselessness of life,” Blaise said, pushing himself up from the ground.

Varian dropped the hares by the fire. “No wonder. That’s enough to depress even the manic.”

Merewyn rose more slowly as Merrick and Derrick eyed her.

“It’ll be good to have a woman’s cooking again.”

She arched a brow at that. “I can’t cook.”

Merrick scoffed. “Of course you can. All women are good cooks.”

“No, we’re not. I was a princess in Mercia and have been a servant to Narishka ever since. I’ve never cooked anything in my life.”

Varian pulled out a small dagger. “I can make do.”

Blaise snorted as he held his hand out for the weapon. “And I happen to be a great cook, so before you burn it or poison me with undercooked meat, let me do it.”

Varian handed over the dagger. “No arguments from me.”

Derrick screwed his face up. “This better be worth eating, mandrake.”

“Can you do better?”

“No,” Merrick said at the same time Erik chattered, “He can’t cook for shit. None of us can.”

Erik rolled over onto his back and feigned a violent, choking death.

Merrick gestured at the ferret. “Exactly.”

“Oh shut up both of you,” Derrick snarled.

Blaise cut the hares free from the string. “Make yourselves useful while I skin these and go get more firewood.”

Grumbling, they obliged.

Varian knelt beside her and handed her a small bladder. “We found a stream with freshwater…moving water, obviously.”

She offered him a smile as she took the bladder. “Thank you.”

As she took a drink, she watched Varian pass a gentle hand over Beau. “How’s Rocky doing?”

“Merewyn renamed him. He’s now called Beau.”

“Beau, huh? Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Beau.”

He leaned against Varian’s shoulder.

Touched by his kindness when, in all honesty, he shouldn’t know anything at all about it, she handed him the bladder.

Varian didn’t speak as he tilted his head and took a drink. The light shadowed his face, making him look tired. But even so, he was still breathtaking. His black hair was shaggy, and he still had several days’ growth of beard on his face.

“You should rest while Blaise cooks.”

“Rest is for the weak. I’m fine.”

She gave him a peeved glare. “You won’t do any of us any good if you’re too weak to continue, or if you get ill from lack of rest. Take a moment, Varian, and lay your head down.”

Varian was perplexed by the strange note in Merewyn’s voice.

“She’s right, V. It’ll be a while before these are ready. Take a nap before you collapse, and I leave your hoary hide for the Sylphs.”

“Just don’t leave me for the kobold.”

Blaise frowned at him. “The what?”

Merewyn laughed. “We were attacked before you came back to get us.”

“Ah. Okay.” Blaise returned to skinning the hares.

Then she gave him a motherly glare. “Lie down, Varian. I know you haven’t been able to sleep comfortably in days.”

It was true. He was exhausted, and now that he was seated, it was hard to keep his eyes open. Conceding that they might be right, he pulled the sword from his hip and stretched out on the ground. He held the sword under his body so that he could get to it quickly and closed his eyes.

Merewyn shook her head at the sight of him clutching the sword as if ready for someone to try and kill him. Leaning forward on one arm, she brushed her hand through his tousled hair. His eyes opened immediately.

“Relax, Varian. I mean you no harm.”

But his expression told her that he didn’t really believe it. And she couldn’t blame him for that suspicion. Everyone else had meant him harm. Why should she be different?

You would have sold him out for beauty…

Guilt ate at her. Things were different now. She knew better than to hurt him.

“Sleep,” she admonished, closing his eye with her finger.

He let out a deep breath before he relaxed, and she returned to stroking his hair. He was such a beautiful man. His long body was stretched out, but even so she could feel the power of him. The strength.

And as she stared down at him, she made a silent promise.
I will never cause you harm, Varian duFey. You’ve been through enough
.

Yet even as she whispered that vow in her mind, she wondered if she’d be able to keep it. They still had a long way to go, and Narishka and Morgen were out there, plotting their destruction. If she knew anything about those two bitches, it was that they didn’t lose easily. They would be coming for them.

And neither one would stop until they had killed everyone in Merewyn’s group.

Varian’s dreams drifted through fragmented images
of Merewyn like a broken kaleidoscope as he felt a warm comfort the likes of which he’d never known before. It was as if he were wrapped in a heated blanket on a cold winter’s night. He could hear her soft voice, whispering gently to him while her tender fingers caressed his skin in what felt like a loving touch.

It was so wonderful until a brittle voice intruded. “
Varian? Where are you…?
”

He jerked at the sound of his mother’s lilting accent whispering through his head as it tore away the succor of his dream.

“
Varian? Answer me! You know you can’t hide from us. We will find you. You’re only making it worse on yourself by running…
”

His gut instinct was to tell her to shove her threats, but then that was exactly what she
wanted—it would be the worst kind of stupidity. The minute he said anything to her mentally, she’d be able to find him.

His comfort ruined, he opened his eyes to find Merewyn asleep by his side. She was turned into him with her hand resting softly against his whiskered cheek while her head was tucked under his chin. Beau lay on the other side of her and made a noise that sounded oddly like a quiet snore.

Not wanting to disturb them, he pulled back slowly. But the instant he did, Merewyn awoke with a panicked gasp. She jerked so sharply that her head slammed into his chin, causing him to bite his lip.

Varian cursed as he tasted blood.

“Oh no,” she whispered, looking up at him. “I’m so sorry, Varian. I didn’t realize it was you waking me.”

He wiped at the blood on his lip as the cut throbbed. Most likely not. Knowing his mother and her ilk, he was sure Merewyn was usually awakened harshly, with insults and blows. No wonder she was jumpy. He should have thought of that before he moved. “It’s all right. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Her brow furrowed by worry, she reached up and turned his head so that she could see where he’d bitten his lip. “Please forgive me?”

How could he not? No one had ever been so concerned over hurting him before. “It’s nothing. Really.”

“Yes, it is. There’s nothing worse than waking to pain.”

God, how he wanted to kiss her. The scent of her skin, the look on her face…it tore through him. And he probably would have yielded to that urge had someone not sneezed.

Rolling over, he realized that the others were all bedded down, too. And by the looks of them, they’d been asleep for quite some time. It was completely dark, with the moon high in the sky while the campfire burned low.

It had to be after midnight…

“How long have I slept?”

“Hours. I wouldn’t let them wake you once supper was ready, but we saved you some of the meat.”

He doubted there was really a “we” in there. Merewyn must have put the food aside for him.

She started to sit up, but before she could, he pulled her back into his arms. Her lips hovered just over his as he cupped her face in his hands and stared at the delicate beauty of her features. And before he could think better of it, he gave her the hot kiss he was dying to. He didn’t know why, but he had to have a taste of that sweet mouth.

Merewyn closed her eyes and savored the sensation of his tongue sweeping against hers. His whiskers burned her skin as his callused hands scraped against her cheeks. And when he pulled back, she was paralyzed by the tenderness in those deep green eyes. Unable to cope with the
heat it ignited in her body, she averted her gaze slightly and noticed a small scar that darted from his hairline to just below his left ear.

Frowning, she reached out to touch it, only to realize that it went farther back into his hair. It must have been a vicious wound when he’d received it.

He pulled her hand away and by the severe flash of pain on his face, she realized it must be one of the scars made the day Elaine had shaved his head because he’d wanted to be a noble knight.

Her heart aching for him, she closed her hand around his and brought it to her lips to press a gentle kiss on his scarred knuckles that also told the story of the countless battles this man had fought. Even the most hardened of warriors needed some succor once in a while. No one should live their life alone, surrounded by enemies.

Varian felt his breath catch as her tongue swept against his flesh. His entire body felt on edge as it begged for a real taste of this woman. His groin was heavy and throbbing, and when she parted her lips, all he could think of was taking her under him and riding her for the rest of the night.

Had they been alone, he probably would have. But he couldn’t take her out here with no privacy. She wasn’t an Adoni, who would gladly screw him in the open and beg for the others to join them. She’d been a princess.

And she was a lady still. One who deserved only the best things. Her life had been every bit
as harsh as his. He would never intentionally add to her bad memories or pain.

Releasing her, he closed his eyes and wished for a tub of ice to bathe in. It would be the only way to chill the fire that raged inside him. Every part of his body was alert, begging for her touch. Even his nipples were sensitive as the leather of his jerkin rubbed against them. But it wasn’t the leather he wanted to feel there. It was her touch…

Her tongue…

Damn, it’d been too long since he’d last had a woman. And at the end of the day, he was Adoni, too. His mother’s people possessed the libido of raging nymphomaniacs. They were ever on the make for any kind of sexual stimulation. And he’d always been as randy as the rest of them. He’d just had a few more scruples about whom he took and where.

But the longer he was around Merewyn with his body aching for her, the more those scruples were coming into question.

“Are you all right, Varian?”

He opened his eyes to find her frowning down at him. “Not really.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

He dropped his gaze to her gown where her laces had loosened enough so that he could see just a hint of the skin between her breasts.
Let me lick those…

“No,” he said aloud, trying to banish that
thought. “I just need…”
You to strip naked and let me make love to you until dawn.

“You need?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

She cocked her head and frowned down at him. “Are you blushing?”

Before he could answer, her gaze dropped down to where his desire was more than evident. Her mouth formed a small o at the sight of his erection. Now it was
her
face that was blushing profusely.

Varian ground his teeth as he tried to think of something, anything that would quell his body.

Still she didn’t avert her gaze. She stared at him curiously, which only made his desire more acute as he wondered what it would feel like to have her touching him with her soft caress. Or better yet, her lips…

“Does it hurt when it does that?”

Damn her curiosity, which wasn’t helping him at all. All it did was make him wonder if she’d be so bold with both of them naked. “If I don’t put it to use, yes.”

Merewyn knew she should look away, but she couldn’t. She’d seen more than her fair share of erect men, both clothed and unclothed as they’d serviced Narishka, Morgen, and others in Camelot. But no man had ever been hard for her. She’d never inspired desire. They’d only looked at her with scorn and anger. But Varian didn’t look at her like that. He hadn’t even scorned her when she’d been hideous.

She felt strangely powerful that she could affect a man like Varian this way. That he wanted her, at least physically.

More than that, she wondered what it would feel like to sleep with him. To have him thrusting deep inside her. She knew from the others just how pleasurable it could be. During celebrations and orgies, the cries of orgasms filled the halls of the castle.

But she’d never had one herself.

Now her body begged for a taste of his as her mind ached to know what it would be like to be completely pleasured. Deep in the center of her being was a hungry throb that didn’t want to be denied. It wanted Varian. It craved him.

Turn away, Merewyn.

She couldn’t. She’d been more than willing to give her virginity to gain her freedom. And now that she had it, it only seemed right that she should ease some of this suffering she caused him.

Before Merewyn could stop herself, she reached out to touch him.

Varian’s breath caught in his throat as he realized where her hand was headed…straight for his swollen cock. It jerked in expectation, but just when she would have touched him, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away even though what he really wanted to do was guide it into his breeches and have her stroke him until he found peace again.

She gave him a startled look. “I would like to
know how…” Her voice faded out as if she were too embarrassed to finish.

It was all he wanted, too. To have her hand caress him. To feel her soft palm cupping him. But he couldn’t. Taking her would be an award-winning act of stupidity and he knew it.

He couldn’t trust her, and he damned sure didn’t trust himself. He liked living his life free of entanglements and emotions. It was the only way he knew how to get through the endless days. And he was too set in his ways to change them now.

“Sorry, love. I don’t sleep with women I know. Ever.”

She stiffened so badly that he actually felt it all the way to her wrist. “Excuse me?” She snatched her hand from his grasp.

“It’s too complicated. Acquaintances have expectations.”

“So you’d rather be intimate with strangers?”

He nodded. “They don’t mind when you get up and leave afterward, and they don’t expect anything more than an orgasm or two.”

She screwed her face up in distaste. “You
are
Adoni.”

He couldn’t have been more insulted had she slapped him, but he’d be gutted before he let her know that. Besides, she only spoke the truth. He was his mother’s son. “I am.”

She pulled back with her eyes snapping her fury at him. “Then you deserve to suffer.”

“That’s what they tell me.”

Merewyn felt her stomach tighten at the pain she heard in his voice, and she instantly regretted her harsh tone and words. “Varian—”

“It’s all right,” he said, getting up and moving away from her. “I know what I am, and I’m happy with it.”

His tone said otherwise. “Varian, please. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Of course you didn’t,” he said snidely. “No one ever does. People always speak without thought. But it’s amazing how much damage thoughtless words can wreak, isn’t it?”

And then she knew…he wasn’t speaking about this. He was talking about his final words to Elaine. “You didn’t cause her death.”

He turned to face her. The flames were highlighted in his eyes as his long hair obscured most of his features from her. “What?”

She’d been too bold with him, and what’s more, she’d betrayed a confidence Blaise had given her. She shouldn’t have said anything, but since she’d come this far, she might as well finish it. “Elaine. Blaise told me what happened the night she died. It wasn’t your fault.”

He glared in Blaise’s direction where the mandrake slept in peace. “Well hot Jim Dandy Brown, wasn’t that nice of the old mandrake to run his mouth? What else did he tell you?”

She was taken aback by his hostility. She started to lie, but then stopped herself. He’d been through enough in his life. She wasn’t about to lie to him
on top of that. “He told me about your past. How Lancelot and Elaine treated you. The day you were knighted…”

Torment flashed in his eyes before he hid it as effectively as the veil that concealed their world from that of man. “I see. And now you pity me.”

“No.” She started toward him, only to have him move away again.

She forced herself to stand by the fire even though all she wanted was to touch his rigid body.

When he spoke, his words were flat and empty. “I don’t need your sympathy, Merewyn. I don’t need anyone’s. You don’t have to worry. There are no scars inside me that need to be healed. There’s no little boy wanting comfort. I’m at peace with my past.”

Was he? In spite of his words, she didn’t believe it. “Then why do you only sleep with strangers? What are you afraid of, Varian?”

“That they won’t shut up so that he can sleep,” Derrick snarled sleepily from the ground.

Varian slung his hand out as if he would send a sorcerer’s blast at Derrick, but when nothing happened, he cursed. His eyes full of anger, he closed the distance between them, and whispered coldly in her ear, “I fear nothing.”

She met his gaze boldly because she knew those words for the lie they were. “Then you
are
scared, and you
are
scarred.”

“How do you figure?”

His breath fell against her face as his power
reached out to her. He could kill her, he could, and yet she wasn’t afraid of him.

What’s more, she refused to back down. Varian needed someone to show him the lie he lived. “If you weren’t, then you would have fear. Only a man who feels nothing, who has nothing, can hold no fear of anything. If you weren’t scarred by your past and afraid of reliving it, you would be afraid of losing what you’ve gained. But you’ve gained nothing in all these centuries. You hold on to nothing because you’re afraid that by opening yourself up to someone, they will hurt you. You are scared, and you are scarred.”

He curled his lip in distaste. “Bah, what do you know?”

Her throat tight, she answered honestly. “I know what it feels like to be mocked and insulted. And I know what it’s like to be afraid of letting someone close enough to hurt me even more. The words of strangers burn badly enough, but it’s the words of those we trust that sting the deepest. That’s why I’m sorry for what I said to you. I of all people know better than to speak in anger.”

Varian froze at her words and at the fact that she could see so clearly into his soul. She looked so naive, and yet she held as much wisdom as a Merlin.

She crossed the distance between them and laid her hand on his cheek. Part of him wanted to knock her away, and the other part just wanted to feel that gentle touch on him for all eternity.