Knee Deep (6 page)

~ 7 ~

Mindy and I sit in the dark blue theater seats in the middle of the auditorium. From here we have a view of the stage, but are still just on the edge of the dim light. I’m not generally needed for much, but I continue to come and watch. It’s part of my “thing” for the year, so it seems like I should be here.

It’s been days since Shawn and I argued, but my wrist is still mottled in black and blue, and the stiffness is still making everyday stuff like carrying my backpack a pain in the butt.

“Aren’t you hot?” She grabs at my long-sleeves.

“Nope.” I fold my arms, keeping my wrist protected. I know she won’t understand.
I
don’t understand. I only know how rough his life must be for something so drastic to happen between us.

“Okay.” She reaches into her pack and pulls out our notebook. She should not be bringing that to
school
.

“So, you and Paul.” I lean in. “It’s still pretty awesome, huh?”

“It’s still awesome.” She grins. “How are you and Shawn?”

“So,
so
good.” Ever since our argument he’s met me in the mornings, and changed his work schedule. He’s been at my house every evening, even though I know my dad makes him nervous. Things have been pretty perfect, and that’s what I need to focus on.

“He’s sometimes moody, that’s all.” She slouches lower in her seat, resting her head against the back.

I shrug. “I guess.” I don’t want to think of Shawn as moody—even though I already call him moody. He’s so easy and fun when he wants to be. I guess I now wish he could find a way to keep that part of him around all the time.

“Anything to add?” she asks.

To add to our list of firsts? Those words prick at me, at my heart, my conscience. It takes everything I have to not react. I should tell her. Right now. I should tell her about Shawn and I and our argument. I could write something that would make me feel better. I could say—
was physically hurt by a boy for the first and last time. Ever.
Instead I shake my head. Easier. Better.

“Well, crap, me either. We’re gonna have to do something craa-zee.” She laughs.

Luke jogs up. “What are we discussing way up here?” He puts his knees on a chair in front of us and leans over the back. A Phineas and Ferb t-shirt today. Only Luke.

“Girl stuff. Things Ronnie and I must be
alone
for.” Mindy relaxes her head onto my shoulder.

“Ronnie.” Luke’s shoulders relax and he tilts his head to the side. “It’s short for Veronica, right? I can’t believe I’ve known you for this long and never thought about it.”

Oh no. I freeze, stop breathing, and don’t answer.

Mindy laughs.

“Don’t,” I warn, as I turn and point my finger at her chest.

“Oh come on, it’s just Luke.” She pushes my finger away with a smile.

Luke rests his chin on his hands, looking like the goofy guy he can be. “Please?” He bats his long lashes at us and I know she’ll cave. I’m caving right now.

Mindy and I exchange glances. She won’t say if I don’t want her to, but I’m not going to stop her, not with Luke leaning over the chair at us like this—knowing he’ll eventually get his way.

“You’re shameless,” I say.

He smiles wide and leans toward Mindy, chin resting on his hands in rapt attention.

“So there’s a whole little story, are you ready for it?” Her head turns from me to Luke.

I let out a dramatic sigh and slump in my seat, but it doesn’t matter. Not with Luke. I’m sort of amazed he hasn’t put it together himself.

“Ready.” He makes another show of wiggling his body back and forth—settling in to listen.

“Her dad named her brother Ben, after him. So her mom named her—”

“Rhonda.” Luke grins.

“Yep, Rhonda, after
her
.” Mindy sits up tall as if saying this silly little story makes her important.

“Which is why
Ronnie
is the only name on everything, including my driver’s license. Everything but my birth certificate,” I say. And actually, it’s not much of a story. Just a silly family thing.

“I see.” He nods. “It’s not that bad.”

“Whatever, Luke.” I roll my eyes.

“No Liesl today.” Blackman’s voice booms. “We’ll need Ronnie to step in.”

“Oh.” I lose the air from my lungs. This is the first time Liesl has missed, which amazes me. I’m still not sure how she juggles all that she does.

“Well,” Mindy says. “Guess I get to watch instead of hanging with you.”

“I’m sorry.” I stand, chest tightening and palms already damp from nerves. Why did I think this would be a good idea, again? On stage? Me? Speaking Shakespearean in front of this wide ocean of blue seats?

Luke wags his brows. “Kiss ya later.” He spins and jogs to the stage.

“I swear, he’s such a flirt.” I shake my head.

“Well.” Her eyes widen. “Enjoy being that close to him.”

Luke? Whatever. Why would I care about Luke when I have Shawn? And close to Luke? Not a good idea; not with Shawn’s reaction the other day. Fortunately, this is different. This is theater. I’m okay. This is okay. And again, I’m probably just trying to convince myself.

“I heard he and Aubrey slept together last weekend,” she whispers.

“Really?” My brows go up and a ping hits my chest. They’ve only gone out a few times. I figured Luke would say something if he was seeing somebody. “Well, that’s Luke for ya.” I smirk, and follow him to the stage.

As soon as we start, I realize I know the lines. I even know where I’m supposed to stand. It takes me a second to find my spot because I’ve never done it before, but I know it well enough to give it a good attempt.

And then we get to the party scene.

My heart stops.

Kiss ya later.

Right.

I start to shake my hands to relieve tension, but my wrist is too sore. Okay. It’s okay. I can do this. No big deal, right? Its just Luke. Silly, goofy, friend Luke.

But my heart’s pounding as the sound professionals mess with the music and the extras in the scene all try to find their spots. And me. I’m standing on the X that I know I’m supposed to be on for the first time Juliet sees Romeo, and I’m staring at Luke. He’s laughing with his group, and there’s this lump in my throat that’s getting bigger and bigger as the moment with us together creeps closer and closer.

My heart pounds even harder when his eyes catch mine across the crowd of people pretending to party onstage. But it’s okay. Because right now I’m Juliet and he’s Romeo, and he’s
supposed
to be looking at me like this. Like he wants to kiss me. Isn’t that the point? But still I can’t breathe and barely manage to move forward. And then my heart starts pounding for real—guess it was just fluttering before.

I think about the kiss he gave Liesl—so soft, so careful—his fingertips just touching her soft chin. Is that what he’ll do? What it’ll be like? Am I looking forward to this? To kissing him? Or am I that far into the role? I’m not sure. How do I tell? Do I need to know? We’re standing close now; so close I can feel his warmth. I have no idea what my next line is.

“I think that’s good for today,” Mr. Blackman calls. “No point in finishing this scene without the real Juliet.”

My body jerks at the sound of Blackman’s voice, but I’m sort of locked into Luke/Romeo’s eyes with no excuse to not look away. Mindy’s here. Watching. I force my eyes away to stare at the floor, but now my head’s almost touching Luke’s chest because he hasn’t moved either. What’s going on with me? It’s just a stupid play, and
just
Luke.

I look up just in time to see Mindy blow me a kiss as Paul and his broad shoulders lead her out of the theater. Now I’ll be walking home. Alone. With Luke. Hoping to let the tension go, I take a few more deep breaths. Will it always be like this when I’m onstage with him? Will it just take a moment to shake off Juliet when we finish each day? This is just what acting is. It has to be.

I step away before turning back to him.

“Ready?” he asks, offering the normal, relaxed, Luke smile.

I guess it was all me. All in my head. That’s good. Perfect, actually. But why do I feel like part of me was just let down by the casual way he’s looking me?

***

“I heard a rumor you slept with Aubrey.” I hold my smile in. That should sidetrack my brain from the thoughts of our lips together. Although I might not want to talk about Luke and girls either.

“Where did you hear that?” His eyes are wide.

I shrug.

He shakes his head. “Yeah.”

“Didn’t you and Cris
just
break up?” I ask. Luke and I are walking toward Shawn’s backyard hoping he’s home from work with the pizza he promised.

“Nah.” He shakes his head. “That was like, three weeks ago.”

“Right.” I smirk. “And within three weeks you had Aubrey in your bed.”

His eyes widen again and he shakes his head. “It was totally
her
idea and totally unexpected.”

I so don’t believe him. “I totally don’t believe you.”

“No!” He holds his hands up laughing. “I swear!”

“How…” How long have I been with Shawn and still can’t imagine it?

“I don’t know if I should tell you.” Now he’s trying to sound all snotty or something, teasing as always.

“Really?” I cross my arms, and stare at the printed hem of my dress as we walk.

“You won’t believe me.” His voice is serious again, only not serious because there seems to be some teasing tone in almost everything he says.

“Try me,” I say.

He lets out this long breath that says he really, really isn’t happy about talking to me, but again, teasing is all over his face. “I mean, we’ve gone out a few times. So last weekend we went to dinner and then she wanted to go to a movie, so we did that too. And then she asked me if we could hang out at my house cause my mom was out of town with my aunt.” He unlatches the gate into Shawn’s backyard so I can walk through.

“Are you seriously going to tell me that she seduced you?” I walk backward a few steps to see him better. And why does saying one stupid word—
seduced
—make me blush?

“I totally am.” He’s smiling and there’s enough disbelief on his face for me to believe him. “We ended up in my room and she even had condoms in her purse.”

“You, Luke, are such a whore!” I laugh and flop back onto a lounge chair, which loosens some of the weirdness that’s built up while he talked about Aubrey.

“Whatever.”

There’s a long pause. I slide down low, closing my eyes.

“It kinda freaked me out, you know? I’d only ever been with Cris.” His voice sounds so small.

What
? He’s being serious. “Are you serious?”

“
Yes
, I’m serious.” His eyes are wide.

It’s so odd. “You just had that whole ‘Luke the wild guy’ thing, and went through kind of a—”

“Crazy time, or whatever after my dad. I know.” He shrugs. “But that involved more drugs than girls.”

“Oh.” This is the part of Luke I don’t know well.

“Aren’t you hot?” He grabs the bottom of my long-sleeve t-shirt.

“Nope,” I lie as I jerk my hand back. My bruise isn’t gone yet, and I don’t need any questions.

“Whatever.”

It’s just a stupid shirt, why would he care? But I open my mouth and know I could say something. Of everyone I know, he’s the one who’s most likely to understand. The words start to come, but I can’t. Can’t do it.

“Why does Shawn always have to be running late?” He checks his watch.

I shrug. But Shawn
is
always running late. My mind starts working on that, it’s always been a part of Shawn, but he’s so meticulous about other things that it’s kind of odd that punctuality isn’t one of them.

“Doesn’t it make you crazy?”

“I’m used to it.” I cross my legs, pulling up my dress to cool myself off.

“And you’re not hot?” He gives me this ‘lips-pressed together’ look of disbelief.

I close my eyes to try and relax under the heat of the sun.

He lies back on his lounge chair. The breeze ruffles the pool. “So, I think Aubrey and I might go out again.”

“You should see how far you could get if you just took her to Taco Bell,” I tease. Anything to keep the topic off me.

“Very funny.” He shakes his head.

“Don’t you want more than that?” I ask. Luke is so nice, yet it’s like the
nice
girls are sort of afraid of him.

“Actually, yeah. I do.” He sits up, leans forward, and looks at me. “Don’t you?” The tease is absent from his voice.

“Don’t I what?” But my heart’s pounding, and I think he might know something, or guesses something about Shawn and I, and how moody he can be. But Shawn wouldn’t have told him about the other night, grabbing my wrist, would he?

“Don’t you want something more?” Luke’s voice is quiet and hits my core in a way that vibrates my soul.

There should be some sort of smart thing I could say back to him, but I have no idea what it would be. Our eyes meet again and my breath catches.

“Your eyes are amazing,” he says. “The brown is so deep.” His face is unreadable, but his gaze sends a clear message.

I like looking at you.

It’s so simple. So Luke.

There’s electricity between us that totally shouldn’t be here. Maybe I wasn’t imagining how he looked at me on stage. Maybe it
was
more than Shakespeare’s heart on the page. I slump and let the tension go, closing my eyes to his. Not me. Not with Luke.

“Well don’t you two look cozy!” Shawn’s voice booms across the yard.

“’Bout time you showed up, asshole.” Luke jumps off his chair without a glance back at me.

He’s either saving my butt, or that moment was imagined. Either way it’s going to take my heart a moment to slow down.

We spend the night listening to music in the backyard. We eat pizza. We laugh. We complain about our homework, and we’re all back to normal. Shawn smiles and touches me like everything’s still perfect. So I guess it must be.

~ 8 ~

Dad and I sit in front of the TV for dinner, watching some special on China. With each word the narrator says and each horrific picture that appears, my problems are starting to feel small, that’s for sure.

My phone beeps.

SHAWN: WON’T MAKE IT TNGHT

EVRYTHNG OK? I’m bummed, we were going to study together, which generally means we were going to make out by the pool for a while.

SHAWN: FINE. JUST GOT BUSY AT WORK. DAD NEEDS STUFF DONE BFR WE GO HOME.

MISS U. HOPE ALL OK.

His dad needs stuff done?
The sinking feeling in my gut makes my hope that Shawn’s dad exercises a little more self-control at work than he seems to at home, disappears. I wish I knew how to help.

“Your mom will be late coming home from the library.” Dad’s voice brings me back into the room. Funny how he thinks he needs to explain her absence.

“Oh.” I take another bite of stir-fry. The TV’s showing footage over the Yangtze River right now, and it all looks so brutal and amazing.

“How’s school going?” I hear him take another bite.

“If you want to ask me something, Dad, just ask. You know how I hate the lead-up.” I push out a sigh, so he knows how annoying it is.

He mimics my sigh with a smile.

“
You’re
the shrink.” And I hate dancing around whatever he actually wants to talk about.

“Therapist.” He sets down his fork. “I was just wondering how Shawn’s parents are doing.”

“What do you mean?” Only I know what he’s asking, and I suddenly feel naked. Will he know if I lie or play down the circumstances?

Dad shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen his dad in a while, and his mom seems extra jumpy. We haven’t all gotten together for dinner in a long time.”

“Ask Mom.” I turn back to the TV, but Dad’s still looking at me and I know him well enough to know he’s waiting for me to return his gaze. I’m too afraid he’ll see through me, he’ll know about the angry guy a few houses down, know his son’s struggle with me; he‘ll figure out that Shawn grabbed me, even though he didn’t mean to.

“I have.” His words come out slow, and I know he’s watching me for some sign.

“Shawn hasn’t said anything. I know he and his dad have been working long hours and…” And I promised I wouldn’t say anything.

“Just curious, that’s all.” Dad leans back in his chair and takes another bite of dinner. His eyes are back on the program.

Guess that’s it. Only Dad wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t thinking about something. I’m going to have to be careful about how I act around Dad. Well, and around Shawn, too. Oh, right. And after play practice, I might need to be careful around Luke. And Mindy doesn’t know anything about Shawn’s outburst either, so I need to keep quiet around her as well.

Maybe I should just go into hiding for a while.

***

WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN…

…
my brother, Ben, who irritated me to death, left for college. The house felt so empty. Dad always worked long hours, still does. Mom had just sold her first book and was obsessively at her computer day and night. It all just felt too still.

I called Shawn. We didn’t talk often, but we talked sometimes. His phone rang and rang and I sat on my end looking forward to the smooth sound of his voice, even if I just got his voicemail. A girl answered, giggling hysterically, and I could hear him in the background laughing. “Seriously! Give it me to me! Hand me the phone!

“
Hello?” he answered out of breath.

I sat silent on the other end. We’d never talked about seeing other people. We wrote, we talked, and I just assumed. I took dates to dances and went out with groups, but I didn’t have boys over in that way. Ever. Just Luke for our movie days.

“
Hello?” he asked again.

“
It’s me.” My heart thudded loud in my ears. What was I supposed to say?

“
Hey.” His voice had the same excited quality it always had.

“
I called to—”

But I heard a rustle on his end, “ouch,” and then the phone dropped. “Stop! That’s the girl I’m in love with!” But he laughed so hard that I wouldn’t have believed him if I’d been sitting in the room with him. The line went dead and I nearly threw up on my comforter. My stomach folded into itself and I felt empty until he called the next day to apologize. It was a half-apology because we hadn’t talked about dating other people. And because we hadn’t talked, he was right. He really hadn’t done anything wrong.

***

I barely recognize Shawn’s face set in a scowl that hangs somewhere in between irritation and anger. My stomach drops. What could have happened? Everything’s been so good.

“I just need a few minutes, Ronnie.” Shawn’s fingers tighten on mine as he leads me through the student parking lot to his mom’s car.

“I’m coming.” I try to keep my voice light, even though my fingers are starting to throb from the force he’s using. My pulse is loud in my ears, and the noises of students and cars fade into the background as I struggle to keep up without running.

What do I do?

This
Shawn is one I don’t know. Maybe something more than I understand
is
going on in his family, like Dad said last night. After how sorry he was last time, I know he would never hurt me again—not on purpose. But what is this then? Because my fingers are really starting to hurt.

He jerks open the passenger’s door and flexes his jaw, his lips pressed tight, as he waits for me to get in. I pause, instinct kicking in. Get in or run? No. No running. He may be angry, but this is
still
my Shawn.

I sit down and have to grab two handfuls of dress before I get it in behind me—my hands shake too hard to move any faster.

“You and your hippie dresses.” He sighs before he closes the door.

Each step he takes around the car happens way faster than I want it to. I need time to slow down, so I can think about what needs to be said. There has to be something I can say or do to make whatever this is better.

As soon as he opens his side I lean towards him, smiling. Diffuse, right? It’s all I can think of to do, even though part of me still wants to run. “What’s up? Looking for something before I head inside?” I hope he catches the double meaning in my words. It’s my last ditch effort for him to drop whatever has him so mad.

Now that we’re in his car, it’s like he’s less scary. I have no idea why. Maybe because sitting in his mom’s car is so
normal
. Maybe he just needs to talk. Maybe he and his dad got in a fight last night or something, and he just couldn’t say anything about it in school.

His eyes meet mine. I still can’t read him.

I reach my hand out to touch his face, or his neck, to run my hand through his hair, but he catches my wrist, hard. I lose my breath, and my heart sprints. Maybe I should’ve run.

“What’s going on?” My voice is shaking and I really, really don’t want my voice to shake.

He squeezes harder. “Why don’t you ask Curtis?”

“Who?”
Curtis?

“Some kid who says he might get a chance to kiss you because of drama.” He spits out the words and his jaw flexes in anger.

My chest drops. I should have jerked away and headed back to the school, but what would that say about me? That I run away just because my boyfriend’s mad? “It’s probably a joke, Shawn. Luke and Liesl have to kiss because they’re playing opposite each other,” I explain. And now I remember who Curtis is; he’s the understudy for Luke. Okay. That’s good. I’m moving forward at least.

His hand clenches harder. “And what happens if she doesn’t do it?”

I’m shaking. My eyes scan the nearly empty lot, no help here. “Honestly, that’ll never happen, and even if it did, you were sorta right. They don’t really need me. They gave me kind of a nothing job.” I need to not cry. I blink over and over, anything to keep tears from flowing. I can’t
believe
this is my Shawn. The throbbing is more than just my wrist—it pulses through my heart, through my head, leaving black holes in everything I think and feel.

“So why don’t you come hang with me?” he asks. His grip is finally loosening.

“I’m expected today.”
Mostly I need out of here and away from you. Just for right now.
Guilt washes through me.

I know that at any time some of this frustration he’s holding onto will disappear, and things will go back to normal. We had normal yesterday. We’ve had normal for a while, and I know from the last time that he’ll be okay tomorrow. More than okay, better than okay. We’ll be close again the way I love. I do my very best to push the guilt of needing to be away from Shawn as far down as I can.

“Fine.” He lets go of me and sits back. “Go.” His eyes widen in exasperation.

“I don’t want to argue with you.” I frown. But I desperately want out of this car. I hate feeling like I have to get away from him. It sucks my chest dry and leaves it hollow.

“Yeah…well…” He shrugs. “I’ll see you when you’re done.
If
I’m not working.” His eyes leave mine and stare out the windshield.

I sit undecided. Run? Fix? “Kiss?” I ask. And I can’t believe I have it in me. But if I didn’t, then where would we be? Me and my Shawn?

He stares at me for a moment before a corner of his mouth twitches in a smile. “If I must,” he teases. His warm lips touch mine but it doesn’t feel right. It’s not soft, or relaxing, or smooth, or any of the things I love about Shawn. He’s too tense still. Or maybe that’s me. My skin prickles from this touch of the forced and unfamiliar.

I keep my eyes closed as I pull away, not even wanting to look at him right now.

“See you.” I pull my dress behind me as I step out of the car, and jog across the parking lot holding back my tears.

He was so sorry last time. People don’t do things again if they’re that sorry. What’s happening with him?

Oh. I stop just before the school doors.

My gut sinks. He texted me last night about his dad and him working late. I should have gone over last night, or talked with him about it today. Instead I did nothing. Maybe it’s part me. Not
all
me, because this isn’t okay, but I also know I need to be paying more attention to the guy I love.

I turn around just in time to see him peel out of the school parking lot, and wonder if I just did the right thing in walking away. Maybe we both just need a few hours alone, and then we can talk, or something. I rub my wrist, knowing that this can’t happen again.

I pull open the door and step into the cool theater. The familiar smell of paint and wooden sets hits my nose and transports me to a world where Shawn doesn’t exist. Sucks that I feel some relief from that. I want Shawn as someone who’s in
all
parts of my life.

“Ronnie!” Mr. Blackman turns from his spot on center stage. “Glad you’re here!”

I had no idea I’d be noticed as missing. “Here. Sorry I’m late.” I suck in a big breath to calm my nerves and continue walking towards the stage. Already, inside this building and away from Shawn—his temper, his grabbing, and the fear of him doesn’t seem real.

“It’s okay. We have some interesting news.” He holds his notebook in front of his chest.

“What’s that?” My thoughts are still swirling too fast for me to realize this might be a big deal.

“Liesl had to back out. She’s missed some student government meetings, and had…well, she simply had too much going on. I assured her that you were up to the task.”

I stop in my tracks halfway between the doors and the stage.

“You are now officially Juliet.” He smiles wide anticipating some sort of exuberant reaction. “If you still want it.”

“Wow.” But I’m not sure if it comes out loud enough to be heard.

They clap for me as I step onto the stage. My heart’s frantic, but my smile starts to spread.

“Guess you’re stuck workin’ with me.” Luke laughs.

“Guess I am.” I reach out and punch his shoulder. My insides are still shaking from Shawn, and this just sort of adds to the conflicting chaos. But in a good way. I need good. I
need
happy.

“So, are you up to it?” Mr. Blackman asks.

I take in our teacher’s expectant face and then Luke’s.

“You can so do this, Ronnie,” Luke whispers. His golden brown eyes stay focused on mine.

I suck in a breath. “Yeah, I’m up to this.” My eyes drift back to our coach.

“Perfect.” He stands back. “Let’s get started.”

“What about their kiss?” someone asks.

I wave my hand dismissively toward Luke. Cheerios t-shirt today. “We’ve already kissed and we hang out all the time, we’re cool.” But I suddenly can’t look at him. Will this be really weird and awkward? We hang out
all the time.
That, and I’m barely recovered from my time in the parking lot with Shawn. My insides still feel all shaky.

“But can you make it real?” Blackman’s eyes go up as he takes his seat in the center.

“Oh, I’m sure she can fake it.” Luke says.

I don’t dare look at Luke, but I know he just winked because that’s exactly what Luke would do.

“You two step up for your kiss, and then we’ll work on Act I.” Blackman sits.

Where do I look? Do I touch him? How do I touch him? Am I Juliet now? Or, Ronnie?

Luke stands in front of me. “Don’t look so panicked. This isn’t a big deal,” he whispers. “When we’re here, I’m Romeo and you’re Juliet, no one else. Also, we both die in the end. Every single time.” His dimples appear, as his smile spreads.

I stand facing him and let out a few deep breaths. Its just Luke, the guy who’s easy and fun to be around. I can do this.

Luke puts his hands up. Right. Golden brown eyes, smiling tanned face…Luke. We stand palm to palm—Romeo and Juliet. His eyes take in mine and the thing is, it’s
my
heart that’s beating wildly, and
my
eyes that are searching his. No one else is here. Nothing else is here.

His lips come down to mine and this is definitely not like spin the bottle. This is all Luke and all me. Or all Romeo, and I have no idea if I’m Juliet or not, but it’s awesome. His lips are so soft, so careful, and my chest tightens in anticipation of whatever’s next. Our fingers slide together and I squeeze his hands and part my lips as we meet again.