Kisses to Remember (21 page)

“No.” She gestured to the party set up. “You’ve bribed the boy nicely with cool party ideas.”

“Least I could do. I mean, the kid changed his theme to something he thought I’d like better than monster trucks. He’s awesome.”

“That’s Kam. He just does nice things. Doesn’t even have to think about it. Wish the world were full of more folks like him.” She looked back at Kam who was laughing to himself as he pedaled around the track. “I also wish he’d stay ten years old forever. Just look at him.”

She sniffled a little, and Holden slid his arms around her, pressing her back to his chest and kissing her lightly on the neck. “Nothing says you can’t send birthday wishes to Kallie too. Wherever she is, she’ll hear her mama.”

Johanna closed her eyes and leaned her head back against Holden’s shoulder. “Kam told you about Kallie.”

“Yes.” Holden squeezed her a little tighter.

A few tears meandered down her cheeks and for a moment she allowed herself to picture a ten-year old girl twirling about by the picnic table in a pair of shorts and a pink T-shirt. Her long, brown hair swung around, and her laughter, Kallie’s laughter, filled the air. It was the best vision she’d ever had of Kallie—one she’d keep tucked away in her heart.

“Kam!” Johanna called.

Holden started to release her, but she held his arms firmly around her.

When Kam looked up, the largest smile in recorded history bloomed on his face. He abandoned the cart and ran toward them, throwing his arms around Johanna’s waist. Kam was a first rate hugger, but Johanna felt this embrace reach deeper than any hug he’d ever given her.

He stepped back and tossed a glance between Johanna and Holden. “I wondered when you guys were going to stop sneaking around.”

“You little punk.” Johanna reached out to grab him, but he skittered away.

“Holden and Mom have sweaty hands, sweaty hands, sweaty hands,” Kam sang as he hopped down the steps and jumped around in the yard.

“What is all the noise out here about?” Ted pushed open the screen door with his crutch.

“Mom and Holden like each other!” Kam yelled.

Ted let loose a low chuckle. “No crap, kid. Tell me something I don’t know.”

Kam fell over into the grass, laughter shaking his small body.

“Well, I guess there’s no harm in doing this then.” In a swift move, Holden dipped Johanna low and planted a wet, sloppy, noisy kiss directly on her lips.

Ted and Kam hooted and cheered, but Johanna almost didn’t hear them over the thumping of her heart. A thumping Holden caused every time he got close, touched her, looked at her.

Kam stepped back onto the porch. “This doesn’t mean you can get all kissy during my party.” He pointed a scolding finger at Johanna and Holden. “My friends don’t want to see that kind of stuff.”

“Yes, sir.” Holden saluted him. “We’ll behave.” He grabbed Kam around the waist and hoisted him in the air. He let him dangle over the porch railing, and Johanna was impressed with Holden’s ability to hang onto a wiggling eighty-pound boy.

Holden set Kam down when Johanna mentioned the boy’s face appeared ready to explode. Red-cheeked and still laughing, Kam righted his bunched up camouflage T-shirt and twisted shorts. He looked at the watch Ted had given him that morning for his birthday, one with a compass and calculator, and pushed Johanna toward her purse on the porch bench.

“C’mon,” he said. “We’d better go visit Dad.”

He set off for the Bronco, and Johanna glanced at Holden.

“I promised Alex I’d bring Kam by so he could wish him a happy birthday in person.” Johanna looked down to her sneakers.

Holden lifted her chin so she’d look at him. “You don’t owe me an explanation, Johanna. He’s Kam’s father. He has a right to see him.”

“My son gave up his rights when he acted like a dumbass.” Ted let the screen door slam shut as he retreated back into the house.

“Ted hasn’t exactly forgiven Alex.”

“Kam told me why he got arrested. He believes his father is a good man.” Holden looked in the direction of where Kam had run off. “He must be if he contributed to that kid of yours. Good begets good.”

“Alex
is
a good man. He just…acted like a dumbass, as Ted said. He got wrapped up in bad decisions. Decisions that cost him his freedom and Kallie her life.” Johanna sifted out a long breath. “I’d better get Kam over there so we can be back in time for the party.” What she meant was,
I’d better keep my distance from you, Holden Lancaster, before you hurt me too.

She grabbed her purse from the bench and headed down the stairs.

“Johanna?”

 When she turned around, Holden was sitting on one of the porch steps. “I promise never to act like a dumbass. You have my word.”

She pointed a finger at him. “You better remember you said that.”

And I’d better not be a dumbass for believing you.

****

Waiting to see Alex took forever. Was it because Johanna didn’t really want to see him today? Was it because Kam talked about Holden the entire time they sat in the waiting area? Was it because a mega-dose of guilt was attacking her system?

You have nothing to be guilty about.
Alex divorced
her
when he got sentenced to prison. She had been willing to stick it out, but he had insisted on giving her freedom back. She hadn’t done a damn thing with that freedom.

Until meeting Holden. And Holy Hell, she wanted to go wild with him.

When Alex finally shuffled into the visiting room, Kam and Johanna were immediately on their feet.

“What happened, Dad?” Kam sat when the guard gave him a stern look.

Alex didn’t answer until the door closed. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Alex, your eye and cheek look terrible.” Johanna sat and stared at the dark purple, almost black bruises around Alex’s left eye and along his left cheek. It looked as if he had on Halloween make-up. The area around his eye was swollen, almost hiding his actual eye completely.

“There was a small issue in my cell two nights ago.” He looked at Johanna with his good eye, then glanced at Kam.

Okay, not a topic discussable in front of the kid.
“You’re okay?” she asked instead.

“It’ll be fine.” Not
I’ll
be fine
.
He managed a lopsided smile at Kam. “So, are you all ready for your party, birthday boy?”

“Yes,” Kam said slowly, still focusing on Alex’s bruising. They’d never seen Alex in such a condition. Usually the guards took a little extra care making the inmates look presentable when there was a child visitor, but how do you hide a bruised face like Alex’s?

“Look, Kam,” Alex put his cuffed hands on the table between them.

Cuffs?
Alex had never remained handcuffed when they visited. He was considered a model prisoner. Docile, harmless, favored. What had happened two nights ago to change that?

He slid his hands back to his lap. “I don’t want you to worry about me, buddy.” He stared at Johanna. “You either. This,” he gestured to his face, “was bound to happen at some point. I got it over with and it won’t happen again.”

If Johanna had someone to watch Kam out in the waiting area, she would have sent him out there right now and demanded to know what happened to Alex. The thought of him being behind bars was bad enough. She didn’t want to think of him in danger too.

“Tell me about the party plans,” Alex said, trying to refocus their conversation to lighter topics.

When Kam hesitated, hypnotized by his father’s bruises, Johanna said, “It’s a racecar theme, right, Kam?” She nudged him gently.

“Uhh, yeah. Racecars.” He blinked and shook his head. “We made a racetrack and Holden built…” His voice dropped off as he looked at Johanna. “Should I not talk about…you know…”

Johanna had never seen Kam this frazzled. He was usually the one who kept her calm on these visits. She half wanted to scoop her son up and leave. One glance at Alex, however, and she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t deprive him of time with Kam.

She squeezed Kam’s hand under the table and faced Alex. “We have a friend staying with us.”
Friend
didn’t sound like the right word. “Actually, he’s become more than a friend to me.”

“To me too,” Kam said. “Holden’s great.”

Alex closed his eyes, winced when the muscles in his bruised cheek moved. “I’m glad you guys have found someone nice.” His voice was a raspy whisper.

Is he hurt worse than we can see?
Or was knowing they’d finally let someone into their lives breaking his heart?

Johanna’s throat stung as Alex’s handcuffs jingled in his lap. Suddenly this small room seemed even smaller.

“Do you want us to go, Dad?”

She almost couldn’t keep her composure when Kam asked that question. Being that perceptive at ten years old had to suck. Johanna remembered being a completely oblivious kid and loving every minute of it.

Alex looked up and cleared his throat. “No, I don’t want you to go. That’s the problem, buddy.” He scratched his scruffy chin, then squared his shoulders. “Enough of this. It’s your birthday, Kam. Let’s talk about your party.”

So they did. Kam was careful not to mention Holden again in his description of the decorations and games. He let Alex tease him about Christina Darren and promised to take good care of Ted after describing the tornado encounter.

When the guard knocked on the door and opened it, Johanna was torn between wanting more time with Alex to make sure he was okay and getting the hell out of there.

“Have a great birthday, Kam.” Alex stood and glanced at the guard who nodded. He rounded the table and kneeled down in front of Kam. “Make sure you blow out all those candles and wish for something good.”

Kam hugged Alex. “I will, Dad.”

Alex stood. He took a long moment to look at Johanna. Time stood still as his good eye stood frozen on her face.

“Hey, kid,” the guard said, causing Alex to blink and take a step back. “You like dogs?”

“Yeah,” Kam said. “I have one. His name is Miles, and he’s a Border Collie.”

“You want to see some police dogs? Big German Shepherds?” The guard looked at Johanna, sending a silent message she could have a few moments with Alex alone if she wanted them.

“Can I, Mom?”

“Sure. Five minutes.” She nodded her thanks to the guard.

“Go to the front desk and they’ll page me. Ask for Cooper.” He swung his hand out to the hallway, said a brief word to another guard who would take up his post watching Alex, and led Kam out of the room.

The new guard said, “Five minutes. That’s all you two have.” He looked at his watch and shut the door.

“Tell me what happened,” Johanna demanded.

“A fight. Not a big deal.” Alex sat again.

“A fight about what? I know this isn’t a country club, Alex, but you haven’t gotten beaten up before.”

“Drop it, Johanna.” Alex stretched out one leg then the other as he stared at the wall behind her.

“I will not drop it.” Johanna took a step forward and maneuvered herself into Alex’s line of sight. “A fight about what?”

He huffed out a breath and winced again. “A fight about whether I wanted to be somebody’s bitch or not.” He looked up at her now. “See? You didn’t really want to know, did you?”

“I…I…” She couldn’t think of anything sensible to say.

“It’s better I emerged with these bruises than becoming someone’s man-whore, isn’t it? You should see the other guy. He won’t be wanting a date with me again.” His voice rose to a very non-Alex volume. Prison was changing him as only it could. She was surprised it had taken this long. The worst part was she couldn’t do a damn thing to help him.

“Look, maybe you and Kam shouldn’t come anymore.” He studied his shoes. “It sounds like you’ve got someone. Time to move on and all that shit. Coming here isn’t doing you any good, and Kam shouldn’t have to see me like this.” He raised his cuffed hands, gestured to his face. “We got divorced so you guys could have a life.”

“No, we got divorced because you insisted upon it.” Johanna pointed a finger at Alex. Ending their marriage had not been a mutual decision at the time.

“It was the right move. You know it was.” Alex wouldn’t look at her again. “Don’t come anymore. Please.”

“Is this really what you want?” Tears burned at the corners of her eyes.

“No. What I want is to go home with you. I want to go to Kam’s birthday party. I want Kallie to be there too, along with the shitload of other kids we would have had by now. I want to kiss you, hold you, make love to you. I want to erase what I did to get me here. I want a fucking do-over.” He slammed his joined fists down on the table.

The guard opened the door, his hand resting on his holster. “Everything okay in here?”

Johanna nodded.

“Two more minutes.” The guard disappeared back into the hall.

“This Holden guy, he’ll take care of you two?” Alex reached out for Johanna’s hand.

She took it and he sandwiched her hand between his. The cold metal of the handcuffs chilled her as they rested on her fingers.