Kiss Me If You Dare (33 page)

I sat on the chair across from him, excited at the clarity cropping up in my plans. “On the way home, I asked myself what I could do that would change Brad’s mind about dying. What could I do that would make him want to live? And I decided that it’s out of my control. It’s really his decision.” I leaned forward, my hands emphasizing my words. “All I can do is show by my example how to choose life. That means I can’t give up on my dreams because someone I love is suffering. That means I move forward with my own plans, cheering him on should he decide to join the living again. It means taking the risk that I could lose him by not catering to his depression. And being even more grateful in the end if we pull through it together.”

Puppa stared at me. “What are they teaching you in California?”

I sat in momentary horror that he disapproved of my reasoning.

A smile broke out on his face. “You’re doing it, aren’t you? You’re figuring life out. I think you may have already passed up this old man in the maturity department. I’m really proud of you, Patricia.” Puppa crouched beside me, taking my chin in his hand. “I think that’s the spirit Brad fell in love with. And it’s exactly what he needs to see now, if he’s going to survive.”

I leaned my forehead against his. “It’s going to be really hard. Every instinct is screaming, ‘Stay and take care of him.’ But,” I shook my head, “that’s not the right thing for either one of us. We’d just feed off each other’s weaknesses until we destroyed every bit of love between us, like what happened between me and Grandma Amble.” Another deep breath. “This way, we stay strong for each other, building each other up as we conquer the obstacles in our own lives. We’ll fight a common enemy instead of making each other the enemy.”

Puppa looked baffled. “Who taught you that?”

I shrugged.

“You’re going to make it, Patricia. You’re going to do just fine.”

“Thanks, Puppa. I probably would have made it anyway. But now I can make it in style.” I scratched my head, grasping for a term that escaped me. “What’s the word used in the Bible?”

“Abundance,” Puppa said. “Now you can live an abundant 340 life.”

“That’s the word I was looking for. I think for me it means a life without fear. I’m sick of deciding stuff based on fear. One thing I’ve figured out—God is with me even if I make a big mistake. And while I want to make the best decisions possible, I don’t have to be afraid of every possible outcome. It’s still His world in the end. And His will.”

He squeezed my shoulder. “If I was only half as trusting as you.” A smile hovered on his face.

“Oh, come on,” I said with a playful smack on his shoulder. “Who do you think taught trust by example? You did. And I’m so grateful. Now,” my gaze flicked to a cobweb in the corner, “I have to see what Brad’s position is on all this.”

“Let’s get supper going and you can visit him first thing tomorrow morning.”

My stomach growled at the mention of food. “Good idea.” I forced my heart to stay calm at the thought of seeing Brad again, pushing back the fear. I was going to be direct with him. Firm. Take charge, just like Monique’s girlfriend had done. And Brad would be thrilled to see me and happy to hear everything I had to say.

But even as Puppa and I walked to the kitchen, I knew that nothing about tomorrow was going to be fun—or easy.

40

Puppa and I ate breakfast together, a silent meal peppered with private emotion.

“Thanks for the eggs,” I said, bringing my dish to the kitchen and rinsing off traces of yolk.

“I’ll do the cleanup, Patricia. You get on with your day.” He squirted dish soap into the sink as it filled with water.

“I don’t mind helping.” I wet a dishcloth and wiped down the dining room table, knowing that any delay in going to see Brad could only be a good thing. I scratched at a piece of food stuck to the wood. What if he still refused to see me? Candice had said that after I left his apartment last time, he had a crew of doctors in with him the next day. But what if his plans for recovery didn’t include me? Could I handle it?

I gave a final swipe with my cloth. Of course I could. I had plans of my own. That was the whole point. Lives that were separate, but together. Just like things had always been for us.

In the kitchen, I tossed the cloth into the sink. How dumb did that sound? If Brad and I were going to be a couple, we should be together, not apart. But I didn’t want to give up on college. Not this time. Not again. Not for Brad, or for anyone. Finishing up at Del Gloria was something I had to do for myself. I could be part of a couple and still have my own goals, couldn’t I?

By the time the swirling thoughts subsided for a moment, I had both hands planted on the kitchen counter and was on the verge of hyperventilating.

Puppa dried his hands. “Hey. Don’t make this bigger than it is. Brad loves you. It’s going to be okay.”

I nodded and evened out my breathing. “You’re right. I know you’re right. It’ll be okay.”

“Get moving, before you talk yourself out of it.” He flicked water at me with his fingers.

I gave a little scream and laughed. “Okay. I’m going.” Upstairs, I checked my hair and makeup one last time, smoothing on a fresh dab of lipstick.

My eyes, with their downward turn in the corners, sparkled in the mirror. My cheeks were rosy, my hair glossy. I looked like a kid on Christmas morning ready to rip open every gift under the tree. I blinked hard, hoping I wasn’t setting myself up for more disappointment.

I made the drive to Manistique. As the snowy landscape passed by, I realized I hadn’t experienced this area in the summertime since I was a kid. I still hadn’t swum in the lake, or watched the fireworks on the Fourth of July, I hadn’t hiked down the jetty to the lighthouse in Manistique Harbor, or explored the boardwalk along the shore. I’d wanted to save all that for Brad. Now it looked like I’d have to do it on my own after all.

The turn for River’s Edge appeared in front of me, as if I’d driven on automatic all the way. I pulled in, hands shaking, stomach cramping, brain seizing.

Inside the assisted living home, I forced my feet to move in the direction of Brad’s apartment. A brass number shone on the door in front of me. I stared at the digits as if they offered some magical escape route. Then I knocked.

Austin answered, wearing his trademark blue scrubs. “Oh. It’s you. Thought you moved to Canada or something.” “Hate to disappoint you. Can I come in, please?” I tried to keep my voice casual and steady.

“Wait here. I’ll see.”

Austin shut the door, leaving me in the hallway. He reappeared a moment later, an amused look on his face. “Yes. You may come in.”

I blew out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “Thanks.” I stepped inside and glanced around the tiny living room/kitchenette combination. I pointed to the bedroom door. “May I?”

“Absolutely.” He stepped aside, one hand ushering me closer to the dreaded moment.

I looked with wonder at Austin, amazed how his attitude had gone from “no way” to “okay” in just over a week. “All right, then. Thank you.” I turned the knob, easing the door open. My eyes shot to the bed. Empty. “You came back.” Brad’s voice came from a chair by the window. All I could see was the top of his head over the tall, leather back. Pillows in white cases spilled over the sides.

I stepped toward him, coming into his line of vision. “Hi.” I leaned against the window ledge, studying his face in the cool light. He’d gotten thinner since I’d first seen him across the fence that separated our backyards in Rawlings. His cheeks seemed a touch on the hollow side, the laugh lines around his eyes looking more like deep wrinkles these days. His body was wedged into the chair and supported by puffs of pillows.

“It’s good to see you out of bed,” I ventured, convinced that anything I said would probably be the wrong thing.

“Thank you.” He seemed to struggle for words. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

My fingers twisted together and I simply stared at him. We were like two strangers who’d never spent time looking into each other’s eyes. Who’d never touched and felt the electricity flow between them. Who’d never put their hearts on the line and told each other their secret hopes and dreams. I could accept that and leave things the way they were, or I could take charge and fight back.

“Of course I’m here. A little bellowing won’t scare me off. You’ll have to do worse than that if you never want to see me again.”

His eyes flickered, as if afraid to hope. “I heard you went to Canada. I didn’t think you’d be back.”

“Long story short, I went there to find Candice and bring her to justice. Instead, I found my father. He’s married and has three daughters.” My face broke out in a smile that couldn’t be suppressed. “I have sisters now.” But dark events blotted out my happiness. “In the end, Candice gave her life to save mine. She paid for what she did to you.” My eyes watered. “I wish I could say I felt better about the whole thing.”

His finger twitched against a pillow, as if asking for comfort. I reached out, slowly, and touched the skin of his hand. I closed my eyes and remembered the soft feel of it against my cheek. Then suddenly I was on my knees in front of him, crushing the warmth of his hand to my face. The blankets on his lap caught my tears as I rubbed his palm to my temple, my cheek, my neck, then my lips. I held his hand there, weeping over it, glad for the warmth and life it contained, but saddened by Brad’s inability to respond to my love.

At the sound of a sniffle, I looked up. Tears ran in rivulets down Brad’s face.

“You still love me?” he asked.

“How do you stop loving someone who is a part of you? My past, present, and future are wrapped up with yours. I’m not giving up my dreams because of a little bullet. You still have your life. Your mind. You’re still the man I fell in love with.”

A cry ripped from his throat. “I want to hold you and I can’t. I want to take care of you and I can’t. Nothing works anymore.”

“Shhh.” I scooted up and put my ear to his chest, basking in the simple sound of his heartbeat. I looked into his eyes. “Your heart works okay. You can still love me.”

His head tilted back against the leather and he looked at some point on the ceiling. “You make it sound so easy. But how’s this going to work in the real world?”

“It’ll work if we say it works.” I gave a shrug of my shoulders and a timid smile. “Neither one of us has lived cookie-cutter lives. Do we really care about what’s considered normal in a relationship?”

He swallowed hard and conquered his voice. “Before all this, you were going to be my wife. We were going to move to Rawlings, have kids, keep the lodge as a summer home, and eventually try living up here. None of that is even a possibility anymore. Would you really give up the hope of a normal life just to be with me?”

I thought hard before I answered. “No. I won’t give up the hope of a normal life to be with you.”

His face clouded over.

I squeezed his hand. “I gave up the hope of a normal life awhile ago when I realized normal and Tish Amble don’t belong in the same sentence. Life’s always going to be a struggle. But I’m making progress. And maybe out of all the chaos I’ve survived, I even have something to offer you—the hope of a happy life without being normal.” I intertwined his fingers with mine. “We can just be ourselves, the people God made us, broken bodies, broken spirits, and all. And maybe we can even help others struggling with the same junk figure out how to be happy too.”

“So,” he choked on his words, “you’ll still marry me?” I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. I couldn’t lie to him. Not when he’d already come so far.

“No. I won’t marry you.” The words came out a whisper. He turned his head, withdrawing from me. “Why not?” Only a whisper.

“Because it’s what I wanted to do when I was trying to be normal. You know, get married, buy a house, have kids, the whole American formula for happiness.” I leaned my head into his shoulder, breathing in the smell of zesty guy soap. “But I want more. I want to marry you because it’s my heart’s desire, not because it’s the thing to do.” I pulled back and looked at his strong profile. “And I just think that where we’re at, with the separation we’ve been through, with the obstacles we both have to overcome, that now isn’t the time to be talking marriage.”

He looked at me, his old quirky smile on his face. “Then come back tomorrow. We’ll talk marriage then.” I broke into a grin. “You’re an incurable romantic.” On a whim, I climbed onto his lap, snuggling his body to mine. “Am I hurting you?”

He closed his eyes. “Can’t feel a thing.”

I pressed my lips to his ear, swooning in the jolt of electricity from that simple act.

“Listen,” I whispered. “I’m going back to Del Gloria. I’m finishing my degree. I won’t be home until summer.”

There was no answer for some time. I let my lips trail along Brad’s neck as I waited.

Finally he spoke. “You were in here when Denton visited. You must have heard everything.”

I nodded against his cheek. “I did.”

“I’m not proud how I handled it. I love him so much, but I still hold so much against him.”

“I want you to know I stand by you, whatever you decide with him. I sent the professor a letter thanking him for his support, but I won’t be staying with him when I go back out there. It wouldn’t be loyal to you if I did.

He said some really hurtful things to you. And as close as I felt to him for several months, his money and his esteem mean nothing to me compared to you.”

Brad turned his face to mine. “Thank you.”

Our lips were impossibly close. There was no resisting the magnetic attraction. Our mouths touched, timidly at first, but becoming braver with each heated moment. He tasted as delicious as I remembered. I showered his face and neck with kisses.

I took a deep breath. “I love you, Brad.” I wanted him to know it before I left.

“Then come back tomorrow. We’ll plan our marriage.” I leaned my forehead against his. “I’m not coming back until summer.” I rubbed my fingers through his hair. “But don’t worry. I’ll be back.”

He caught my eyes with his. “You’re always leaving me. Do you realize you’ve left me three times in just over a year?”