King Dork (44 page)

(derived from the French
ramoner,
to scrub out a chimney).

The point of human existence, i.e.,
sexual intercourse.

roach
(rootch): the stubby end of a marijuana cigarette, held in a clip and smoked till it can be smoked no more, after

which it is swallowed. This is believed to confer upon the stoner what are thought to be the magical properties of the plant itself, such as leafyness, harmlessness, listlessness, lack of short-term memory and motivation, and a slightly green-ish coloring.

The Rolling Stones
(the KID-nee stains): the Star Trek of rock and roll. The thirteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Rosemary’s Baby
(ROH-zmer-eeze BABB-ee): scary evil devil people trick a skinny foxy chick into being ramoned

by Satan so they can raise the resulting half-human/half-

devil baby themselves and take over the world. The best

movie ever made.

Samhain
(sam-HANE): a Celtic festival marking the summer’s end, which was supposedly the origin of our

Halloween. Funny people with capes, medallions, and large

rings sometimes go to the park on whatever day they imag-

ine Samhain to have been to do fake ancient rituals, drink wine from a box, and listen to heavy metal music. It’s a fun adventure.

sex
(six): an abbreviation for
sexual intercourse.

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sexual intercourse
(secks-YOU-all IN-ter-co-URS): a pathetic attempt to make ramoning sound less sexy.

Slade
(slah-DAY): four English guys who couldn’t spell to save their lives. The sixth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

slans
(slawns): aliens who can communicate telepathically; also, earthlings whose superior intuitive powers allow them to dispense with verbal communication at least some of the time. Both face continual extermination attempts by enraged normal people.

The Small Faces
(theez MALL FASH-ists): the poor man’s
Who.
The nineteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

The Smiths
(da smurfs): music for when you are sad.

Stalin
(sta-LEEN): Russian communist dictator who managed to thin out the Russian and Eastern European population

considerably, earning him the admiration and gratitude of a small but irritatingly vocal segment of
The Most Annoying
Generation.
A lot of them are a little embarrassed by this now that he has fallen from favor, an embarrassment they

will often celebrate by avoiding the subject, buying a sports car, smoking a joint, or taking out the recycling.

Paul Stanley
(pole STAIN-lee): the singer-guitarist of
KISS,
described, with a straight face, as The Lover in all promo-tional materials. Has set the industry standard for announcing songs in a high-pitched squeal at live shows.

The Sweet
(the Sweat): maybe they were only the second-greatest rock and roll band of all time, but they made the first-greatest album of all time (
Desolation Boulevard
) and the all-time greatest song in the history of music (“Fox on the Run”).

Thin Lizzy
(TEEN LEZ-ie): Ireland’s greatest contribution to Western civilization. The ninth-greatest rock and roll

band of all time.

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veganism
(WEE-gun-izz-im): a religion for people who never feel particularly hungry.

The Velvet Underground
(thee VULV-uh TUN-dra): you

can tell how badly someone wants to come off as a hipster

by how fervently he or she pretends to have been into this group since early childhood. They were my favorite band as a zygote. The tenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Vicodin
(vick-OH-dun): medicine to help mothers forget they are mothers.

The Vietnam War
(tha VITE-nam wair): for
The Most
Annoying Generation,
the most fascinating and important topic in the world. For everybody else, not. When people

from The MAG begin to reminisce about it, it’s a good time to balance your checkbook, catch up on your homework,

learn a foreign language, or do the
New York Times
cross-word puzzle. Don’t worry—they’ll still be talking when

you’re done.

wanton
(wahn-tahn): sexy, horny, game, chewy, delicious.

weltschmerz
(well-cha-MERZ): German for “world-

weariness.” This is a reasonable reaction to life on this earth, and it’s great that there’s a word for it, but if you can figure out a way to slip it into ordinary conversation, you’re a better man than I.

The Who
(the hoe): the greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Wishbone Ash
(vish-BONE-ay ASS): the, let’s see,

65,893rd-greatest rock and roll band of all time. Just kidding, guys. But I guess you really had to be there. . . .

The Yardbirds
(they ARD-varks): the sixteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Frank Zappa
(flank zeh-PAH): if all hippie music had been this weird and good, maybe that subculture wouldn’t have

been such a total waste of brain cells.

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