Killing Me Softly (25 page)

Difficult but enjoyable. He smiled. Whistling in happy anticipation, he swung up the back stairs ready to help her get through the rest of the day.

Lexi was curled up on the sofa in the library staring at the fire, Daemon at her side reading a book, when she heard the sound: a distant whoop-whoop, echoing but coming closer.

The helicopter was here.

Relief washed through her as she rushed to the front door. She saw Billy leading Cat up to the house from the cottage. Daemon reached out and took her hand in his, fingers twining, giving a gentle squeeze.

Hurrying down the path, Daemon at her side, she kept her eyes on the helicopter as it came over the barns, swinging to land in the field on the far side of the stables. Afraid to look her sister in the eye, she waited for Doctor Carlton to alight. Daemon hurried forward, helping with his bags as the rotor blades whirled above their heads. As they cleared the field, the helicopter took off again.

She didn’t even notice it go, her eyes greedily taking in the meeting between doctor and patient, hoping for recognition, fearful of what that might mean.

As the sound of the helicopter echoed faintly in the distance, Doctor Carlton held out his hand. ‘Catriona. It’s nice to finally meet you.’

Cat frowned down at his hand for a moment before hesitantly extending her own. ‘According to Billy, I’ve been under your care for eleven years.’

‘That’s true,’ he answered, smiling. ‘But although I saw you, you did not see me. So now, we finally meet as I always hoped we would.’

Lexi watched her sister, saw the clouded emotion in her eyes, and unconsciously squeezed Daemon’s hand as she bit her lip, waiting for Cat’s response.

Her sister studied the doctor carefully, taking in his suit, his face, the wispy tufts of snowy hair and the glasses perched precariously there, before her eyes met his in careful appraisal. Slowly, Cat’s mouth twitched into a smile. ‘I do remember you.’

‘That makes me so happy to hear.’

Lexi breathed out a sigh of relief. ‘Shall we go inside?’

Cat met her gaze, warmth and regret in her eyes. ‘Shall Billy and I show him to his room while you get some afternoon tea organised?’

Lexi smiled, lips trembling and grasped her sister’s outstretched hand. ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Doctor Carlton at their side, they walked back up to the house, Billy and Daemon following. For the first time in a long time, Lexi felt as if she had a family.

They were sitting in the kitchen finishing their tea and coffee when Craig returned from the hospital. Craig was thrilled to see Cat. The reunion was brief; Doctor Carlton was keen to speak to her alone. As they left the room, Lexi couldn’t help feeling disappointed not to have a moment with her sister. There was so much she wanted to say.

She stared out the window, seeing nothing of the striking landscape that usually brought such inspiration and comfort. ‘Another storm’s coming.’ She rubbed her hands over her arms. ‘I can feel it.’

Daemon’s hand on her shoulder brought her back and she turned and looked up at him.

‘I know,’ he said gently.

‘I need to talk to her. I haven’t been able to explain.’

Daemon pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair, the gesture soothing and intimate. ‘There’ll be plenty of time for that. Let the doctor do his job. That’s why he’s here.’ He pushed her back a little, cupping her face, looking into her eyes. ‘Besides, she wouldn’t have taken your hand outside if she really believed you were to blame for what happened to her.’

‘I am to blame.’

Daemon frowned and shook his head. ‘I know you can’t possibly mean that. Lyndon James is the one to blame. His family are to blame for not doing anything about their dangerous son, especially after you’d reported him for harassing you. You are a victim as much as Catriona is.’

As he spoke, he felt Alexia stiffen and pull away, a look of suspicion narrowing her eyes. ‘How did you know that?’

‘What? That you’re a victim, too? It’s pretty obvious to anyone with eyes.’ He tried to laugh but the sound died on his lips.

‘I didn’t mean that. How did you know about Lyndon’s family being involved? I never told you that.’

With a sinking feeling, Daemon realised his mistake. ‘You must have.’

Alexia shook her head, her lips thinning. ‘I didn’t. I’ve never spoken to anyone about it since that time. The media didn’t even know. The family kept it a secret and threatened me and anyone else who knew about it to keep us silent. So how did you know?’

Daemon closed his eyes against the look of betrayal in hers. He was angry with himself, for going behind her back and for not coming clean about it before now. Today had been an emotional rollercoaster. He’d told himself he was protecting her by not telling her the truth. But he’d known it was wrong. He’d gone behind her back for the ugly reason that he’d wanted to get in first, find out the dirt, protect himself from her and the feelings she’d brought to life since their first meeting. What he’d done was unforgivable and he’d not even had the guts to come clean when it mattered.

He’d been such an unbelievable idiot. He could feel happiness slipping through his fingers. She was already withdrawing from him.

He opened his eyes, expecting to see anger. Instead he saw the tears she couldn’t blink away. They made him feel more of a bastard than he already knew he was. He took a step towards her. ‘Alexia . . . ’

She backed away, shaking her head. ‘You checked up on me. You went behind my back and checked up on me. How could you?’

He lifted his hands, only to drop them, knowing his excuses weren’t good enough. ‘I don’t know.’ He shrugged helplessly trying to search for words to explain. ‘I didn’t trust you.’ He could see the words lance her. Desperate to have her understand, he stepped forward and grabbed her arm.

‘Don’t touch me.’

The words held a thousand notes of pain and every one vibrated to his core.

‘I’m such an idiot. You let me think I was keeping a piece of myself hidden and you already knew! How could you do that?’

‘Please, let me explain.’

Her eyes flew to his, pinning him with their tear-filled glare. ‘You already have. You don’t trust me. I think that explains it all.’

He shook his head. ‘That’s not what I said. I said I
didn’t
trust you. There is a difference.’

‘Sounds like splitting hairs to me.’

He took a deep breath. Shouting at her, giving in to anger would not help. ‘There’s a big difference. When I first met you I had a problem trusting anyone, especially after what Darla did to me. Everyone always has an agenda – fans, record execs, management, even family – but none of their agendas hurt me the way hers did. It affected my whole life, almost took my music away from me. And there you were, a beacon in the dark, promising to lift my music – and me with it – from the mire. I needed to know what your agenda was. I was confused by the feelings I had for you from the start and I let that confusion and mistrust cloud my judgement. I had no idea what I would find out.’

Her expression was inscrutable as she looked at him.

Taking a careful step forward, he continued. ‘Something happened when I was reading about you. I realised why you seemed so frightened of contact, frightened to let go. I also realised how strong and true your heart is. Reading about what happened to you allowed me to see you clearly. In seeing you, I let go of the baggage from my past, which I’d been unable to do before.’

The coldness had gone from her eyes but the tears were still there.

‘I know I shouldn’t have gone behind your back but I was a different person then. I would regret having done such a thing but a part of me can’t be sorry, because knowing allowed me to get closer to you.’

Alexia frowned. ‘Is that why you did it? So you could wheedle your way into my bed?’ Her lip curled. ‘That’s despicable.’

Shocked she would take what he’d said in that way, he was unable to keep his tone even. ‘Of course not,’ he bit back. ‘You know that’s not what I meant.’

‘Do I?’ she asked bitterly. ‘I don’t think I know you at all.’

His patience snapping, Daemon grabbed her arm and shook her. ‘Alexia, stop it. I know you’re angry with me. You have every right to be, but making love with you had nothing to do with the rest of it. It wasn’t some pretence. I wasn’t trying to get into your bed to use you. The passion was mutual. What we experienced – I’ve never had that with anyone. You must know that.’

She looked up at him, her eyes brimming, and slowly, inexorably, pulled out of his grasp. ‘You can’t explain away what you did. It isn’t so much that you went behind my back. You betrayed my trust by not telling me you’d done it when we started . . . ’ at a loss for words she waved her hand between them, ‘ . . . this,’ she finished lamely.

‘I know. I wanted to tell you. I just couldn’t seem to find the right time.’

Lexi looked up at him again, her eyes full of unshed tears. ‘That’s such a cop-out. There you were, lecturing me about honesty last night while you were betraying me every second you didn’t tell me the truth. How can I trust you now? How can I —’ Her words caught and she put a trembling hand to her lips.

Emotion pressed on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He didn’t have an answer for her. He opened his mouth, closed it, tried again. ‘All I can tell you is that what we shared was mutual. Knowing what you’d been through only opened my eyes to feelings I already had inside me. I love you. I can’t say it more simply than that. I know I have jeopardised my chance with you by not being honest. I know I’m a stupid bastard, but please, give me another chance.’

He saw her anger seep away, replaced by confusion and uncertainty. Hope flared in him. He brushed a tear as it ran down her cheek. She didn’t back away. ‘Promise me you won’t make any rash decisions. It’s been an emotional night. Don’t let what I did cloud the truth of what’s between us. Don’t let us end. Not over something like this.’

Lexi swallowed hard. She didn’t know what to think, what to feel, what to believe. He sounded so sincere, so desperately pleading. Her lack of experience was making it hard for her to keep her thoughts straight as they mingled with raw emotion.

His face was only centimetres from hers; his scent surrounded her with warm familiarity, his breath an intimate caress. She felt a flood of weakness sweep over her, willing her to give in to his magnetic pull and lose herself in him as she’d done last night and again this morning. It would be so easy to give in to his persuasive voice. She swayed towards him, her lips almost touching his in ultimate surrender. Instead, with a groan she moved away.

He’d just said he loved her. Why did his saying he loved her in that moment hurt so much?

She stepped back, shaking her head. ‘No. I can’t think about this now.’

‘Are you saying it’s over between us before it’s even begun?’

She turned away as her face crumpled with the force of emotion she was desperately trying to hold back. She couldn’t talk.

Behind her, she heard Daemon step closer. She tensed. ‘Please. Just leave me alone.’ She was afraid he’d touch her again. If he did, she knew she’d crumble into a thousand broken pieces on the floor.

‘Don’t do this, Alexia.’

She didn’t answer him. Couldn’t.

She heard him turn, leave. She didn’t stop him.

A moment later, she heard the front door slam; the finality of that sound was like a barrier between them, one she didn’t know she could ever breach.

Tears spilling down her face, blinded, she walked through the house. She needed to get outside.

She stumbled down the back stairs, filling her lungs with the clean country air. The smells of the farm, the ordered comfort of it, usually warm and familiar, did nothing to help calm her troubled mind.

Without thinking, she headed to the stables. She needed to ride, needed to feel the wind through her hair and the cold on her face as she galloped across the fields and away from the worry and doubts that had taken up residence in her house. It was cloaked with those negative feelings now; she could feel them like a menace at her back. The house had once been a sanctuary, as had the studio. Now both brought back memories, conjuring feelings she didn’t want to face.

What could she say to Daemon, to Cat? They had both said things, done things that hurt her and now wished they could take them back. In her heart, she understood their reasons and was prepared to forgive them. But why should she once again shoulder all the blame and guilt? Some of what had happened was her fault, she knew, but surely not all of it?

The questions seemed unanswerable. Her emotions swirled around, confusing her thoughts. A ride would clear her mind, put everything into perspective. Then she might be able to go back, make amends with Cat. And when Daemon came to talk to her again, maybe she could listen to what he had to say. Although, she wasn’t sure if she could ever forgive him.

He’d told her he loved her.

He’d almost shouted it at her.

Just after he’d told her he’d betrayed her trust.

How could she believe him? And why did she so suddenly want it to be true? They couldn’t be together. Not in a forever sense. Lovers was all they could be and now he had ruined that with his lies.

How could telling her he loved her make any difference?

Yet it did, and she was afraid she knew the reason why. Because he mattered. Because she loved him, too. And that made his betrayal hurt even more.

Anger started to rise in her. She scrubbed at the tears on her face.

No! She wouldn’t let him do this to her. Wouldn’t let him pull her in, make her feel more, want more, than she was comfortable with.

She didn’t love him. She didn’t choose to. She had fought to make choices all her life and she hadn’t chosen this.

She would go for a ride. She would calm down. And then she would go back and tell him it was over. They could work together – maybe, if she could forgive him for going behind her back – but she would not make love with him again. And she most definitely wouldn’t give him her love.

Firming her jaw, she wiped the last of the tears from her face and walked into the stable.