Killer Dads (20 page)

As Josh became more dysfunctional, and alienated, Susan grew increasingly afraid. The two had largely stopped having sex, and Josh seemed murderously angry whenever Susan challenged him about his behavior or his treatment of her. Counseling, she believed, was the only way to save the marriage. Over time, she made up her mind that if Josh did not finally agree to counseling, and perhaps some kind of treatment or medication for his behavior, she would leave him. Susan's struggle within her marriage, in her own words in a series of e-mails to friends the summer of 2008, reveal the couple's continuing conflict, her pain and her resolve.

Latest on Josh

From: Susan.Powell

Sent: Sat. 7/05/08

Josh doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything. He got no sleep on 7/03/08 because Charlie wanted to watch fireworks (at the neighbor's, past midnight). And last night, home after midnight, and Charlie saying he's hungry, and I stupidly say, “Stay with him so I can get some sleep” since I actually have to get up at 5 a.m. (but apparently my lack of sleep for a real working day with time schedules is not as important as his, staying at home, on the computer with his schedule ... ugh!).

He says I can't take counseling because it will show as employee health history, so I'd be rated poorly there and for life insurance. Oh yeah, PS
,
when he said I lied because I bought $90 instead of $30 worth of groceries, one of his examples was $.25/lb. for watermelon as too expensive. I looked at the receipt. It came to $3.35, and just yesterday he bought a watermelon for a flat price of $4 (I remember the one I purchased as larger than his).

He says I have “utter contempt” for him specifically because he doesn't work a regular job and therefore isn't a man. I told him I don't mind while he stays home with the boys, and would prefer he not spend the money I earn on another business, but instead work on healing our marriage. His response was that “my actions imply utter contempt, and that he's not a man no matter what my words are.”

Figure 10.1. A happy Susan poses for a photo with baby Braden on her lap as Charlie stands next to his mom.
Courtesy of Charles and Judy Cox.

The only thing I'm holding on to (since I'm denied counseling and he has denied that he needs to fix anything) is one of his lists of things that need to be fixed—so he won't be stressed and our marriage will magically fix itself, according to him—is organizing the paperwork in one central location for ease of access and security. So we got started a little with that, so I guess I've agreed to be strung along with his current excuse.

[Resumed later]
Argh! He aggravated me, but at least we spent a family day (bike riding to Wal-Mart and getting donuts at a church flag thing in the a.m., and his family, for the evening), and he wants to hang out with our friends Sunday for dinner.

Also, notes taken with his knowledge on July 2, as follows:

Josh says Susan needs to:

Not spend $ on counseling;

Or anything else (his examples: make-up, yarn, other crap you buy);

Fix missing money (when I asked him to elaborate, he said: “Enter all receipts, quit hiding six or two different filing systems, and no paperwork except in the safe or in the office”);

Clean up house (basement, food storage, paperwork in office only), finances, computer;

Josh stated numerous times that Susan has “utter contempt, and acts and has attitude that Josh is worthless.”

(He also commented that I “was writing this down to use against him later,” and I reminded him I don't know what I need to fix if I never have the specifics written down);

Make photos available.

Every moment I step back and take stock of what I'm dealing with, it feels like a never-ending cycle, but I'm too afraid of the consequences—losing my kids, him kidnapping them, divorce or actions worse on his part—if I take a stand on one of his ultimatums like spending $20 on the counseling co-pay, or cutting off his access to my pay check.

Anyways, thanks for listening!

Susan Powell

———

Latest on Josh

From: Susan Powell

Sent: Mon. 7/07/08

Thanks for the input. Just found out that if I use the counseling services through my employer plan it cannot be reported or used against me as far as being rated for life or health insurance. It's private, confidential. So his only argument left would be forking over the $20 co-pay. I think I might ask the bishop to have the church pay this. That would save them lots more than getting church counseling that doesn't specialize in these areas.

You made me tee up when you said, “If you can't have faith, have hope at least.” I
want
to have hope.

I don't know how you can help except to talk with me and be another individual
who would know about the situation if questioned because things went crazy later. Sad that I'm this paranoid.

Sunday was OK, only because I think he's finally realizing that I don't expect him to come to church anymore (less pressure on him). We were with our friends while they did family scripture reading. He looked bored, uninterested, and like he was finding reasons to leave the room.

We've done a little bit of cleaning/organizing around the house, and I realize this is just another one of his stalling-with-excuses tactics, but I always wonder if he's serious about change (i.e., fixing our marriage), if he thinks our problems are not that bad, if he was lying to me at the start when we got married or what.

My huge problem is I don't know what to believe or what to do. I don't want to divorce or separate or take the kids somewhere, and he views it as an act of war if I cut off my paycheck to the joint credit union.

My current tactic is to pretty much not make waves and try to ignore the problems. I'm finding mystery books to check out at the library and be a good mom for the boys. I came home from work on Saturday and felt so depressed that I couldn't make a decent dinner for my boys (the only protein we have is hot dogs, or me making eggs or planning ahead and soaking beans and doing the beans-and-rice thing), so I just kept trying to disguise their food with sour cream and ketchup, etc., and finally lay down in my bed and went to sleep. I only had four hours sleep the night before, so I'm sure Josh just thought I was tired. And then I forgot and ended up fasting from then until about 6 p.m. the next day, so I took another nap (out of depression), but I'm sure he has no clue/doesn't care.

Susan

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No Subject

From: Susan Powell

Sent: Fri. 7/11/08

Sorry I couldn't go walking with you. I was pouring my heart out to a friend a couple doors down from you until 8:15, and then picking up the blinds at Home Depot while Josh took the kids on the bike ride I wanted to do with them. Then I was talking with someone who he ran into while with the boys (his version of groceries bought is cheap donuts and 10 individual yogurt servings). My appointment to meet the bishop was postponed until Sunday after church.

I plan to ask for help getting counseling for myself for depression and stress in the last three-plus years of our marriage. My expectations are that once Josh sees me getting counseling (confidential, so he can't whine about that), and if the church helps cover the co-pay, then he will have no other excuses, and my bottom line/breaking point is he will go to counseling for himself and/or get meds to deal with his mental issues, and if he refuses, I will not ruin mine and my boys' lives further, and we will divorce, and I hope it's not as ugly as he claims it will be when we've talked about it in the past.

I feel like I'm constantly evolving every time I talk to someone about this. K said as of Sunday I didn't want a divorce and bam, by Thursday I'm declaring my ultimatum of his needing counseling, or else divorce. Funny how I'm pushed and evolving.

I've prayed that I will know what to do and situations will present themselves kind of like a silver platter, and so far, it seems every person I speak to is sharing their own personal experiences or offering advice/guidance on who/how to get counseling, etc. So I guess that part of my prayers seems to be answered.

I don't want to do just marriage/couples counseling, and I don't want to use someone through the church because we've done that before, and I don't think Josh will respect that. I want the psychologist/psychiatrist/masters-level clinician to help me and Josh individually. If he's not willing to do that (obviously, won't improve on his own), then he is officially throwing in the towel. I don't know why he'd think the marriage is worth staying in. I doubt only myself going to counseling would fix all the problems.

Yesterday I helped him organize/clean his office and the loose papers (one of his excuses/stalling tactics to get help), and as I was soundlessly crying myself to sleep last night, I told him kind of desperately, “Now is the time you can say nice things to me,” so he said in a tired/bored voice: “Thanks for helping me clean my office and stuff,” and that was all. Then he kind of bumped me, and I said as a hopeful suggestion, “Are you trying to hold my hand?” and he muttered something. Then a little bit later I held his hand for a while until he pulled away.

I'm sure he thinks we are making improvements, and he has said I'm the only one who needs counseling. My three-year-old told me for the first time yesterday, “Mommy, I can't; I'm too busy” when I asked him to do something. That's verbatim what his father tells me, and he was stomping around the house acting angry (which we both do), and gives scowls to me and others at church. When I mentioned this to Josh, about seeing both of our bad habits, he didn't care, and I told him it is not acceptable for my three-year-old to tell me he's too busy. If this argument is still legit
in Josh's eyes, he needs to be more specific and say, “I've got to do x-y-z,” instead of saying: “I'm busy working.”

I want him in counseling, on meds. I want my husband, friend, lover back. No more crazy, outrageous, outlandish beliefs/opinions.

Susan

———

Update from yesterday

From: Susan Powell

Sent: Mon. 7/14/08

The Bishop talked with me for an hour, opened with a prayer, and I was already in tears. Managed to ramble out my story. He agreed with me on all points (Josh has mental issues and/or has lost touch with reality, I'm a stressed, overworked, neglected/abused single mother down to her last straw). He repeatedly asked, “What can I do to help?”

I left knowing the church will reimburse the cost of counseling; trying to decide which psychologist or masters-level clinician to choose for myself. Hoping when I get started, Josh will want to get his own counseling. Still have to make appointment with a lawyer for free consultation so I'll know my rights when I give Josh my ultimatum—counseling (at least) or else divorce.

Any advice on a masters-level clinician? I've got a list for each, but location is important—so that I can possibly just bike there, leave kids with friends (Josh can think I'm at the park for the first visit or so).

Josh asked what the bishop appointment was for, and I said: “To see about getting help, food, money for bills and stuff,” and he seemed OK with that answer. I did also get approval for one food order [to be paid by the church], so I am being truthful about that.

As always, any advice, opinions, suggestions, experience, insight are welcome and I will not be offended! The more the merrier! Thank you all for your support, help, and me bending your ear.

Susan

 

Late in the summer of 2008, Josh unexpectedly snagged a computer job working for a West Valley company. The change in his mood was dramatic, according to Susan's e-mails and conversations with friends. He was suddenly chatty, was engaged in his work, and seemed to be enjoying the camaraderie of the office and even workplace gossip. For the first time in months, Josh even initiated sex with Susan. She was touched and pleased, and encouraged by Josh's change, yet she had already begun her own counseling and was talking to a lawyer about divorce. She continued preparations for a divorce—including gathering documentation and filming their possessions ahead of a possible battle over any assets—“just in case” her situation with Josh quickly reverted again. “My gut says he can/wants to change, that I just need to help him create the right environment to change,” she wrote hopefully.