Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (3 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Part One
FANNING THE EMBERS:
The Truth About Anger and
How It Aff ects Our Lives
1
THE ANGER BOWL
The Overwhelming Pain of Our Anger
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger”
(EPHESIANS 4:31).

 

“IT’S TOO MUCH. The pain is just too much!” cried a voice seething with anger. “I’m so upset…so angry…my life has turned into a living hell.”
•
Theplace
: the mountains of Prescott, Arizona
•
Theoccasion
: a weekend retreat for more than 600 women
•
Thesetting
: an outdoor pavilion with a large stone fireplace
On a Friday evening, after I had just finished speaking, a distraught woman came forward, baring her soul. Actually, Brenda was supported by—practically
carried
by—three deeply concerned friends. As she reached out, I took her hands and led her to sit down by me. She was overwrought with emotion.
Initially, Brenda didn’t want to talk with me. In fact, she didn’t want to attend the conference at all. But her friends knew how desperately she needed some kind of intervention—something to pull her out of this emotional “pit,” something to get her back on level ground.
“Brenda, please tell me what happened. I can see you’re in pain.”
Immediately she blurted out, “My daughter died of anorexia
a
… she was just 22!” Heaving sobs poured out between every phrase. “She meant the world to me…she had so much potential…so much future…she was vibrant…and so precious…then she withered…withered away—to nothing.”
At the word
nothing,
Brenda’s body wilted and she began to wail. I now understood the source of this mother’s agony. It was the tragedy of watching her daughter die of self-imposed starvation—shrinking to skin and bones, unaware of her own distorted thoughts…thinking she was much too fat when instead she was much too thin…thinking she was eating too much when instead she was slowly starving.
Within moments, the picture was plain to me. Brenda was definitely in a pit—a pit of anger. It was as though this pit contained hot coals she could pick up and hurl at any time. And indeed, she had been picking up those hot coals for a very long time and pelting those who angered her. Yet she hadn’t realized she was the one being burned.
Brenda was consumed with agonizing anger, a bitter wrath…
•
at her husband
—for not taking the problem seriously
—“She’s just going through a phase.”
•
at her friends
—for not showing compassion, but stating trite comments
—“She’s cute and trim and doesn’t want to be fat!”
•
at her family
—for not understanding the real issues
—“Just make her eat!”
•
at her doctors—
for not being more proactive
—
“Don’t worry. I’m watching her.”
•
at her hospital—
for not supplying lifesaving solutions
—
“We’re doing all we can.”
•
at herself
—for not knowing what to do sooner
•
at her God
—for not rescuing her precious child
•
at her daughter—
for not fighting to live, not trying to change, for withering away to nothing, for leaving her, for dying
“I am so very sorry, Brenda. When did your daughter die?” Her answer surprised me. “It’s been over three years now…but it still feels like yesterday.”
Rarely have I met someone so ravaged by sorrow. My heart hurt for her as I silently cried out to God on her behalf.
For over half an hour, Brenda and I sat together on the first row of that pavilion. Continuing to ask questions, I heard more of her anguishing story—her years of reaching out to her daughter, her countless hours of prayer, her sleepless nights of worry, her failed attempts to find help.
When she finished pouring out her heart, I said, “Brenda, you can find true healing. Though your world feels so painful right now, you can receive real relief from that pain. You may not see it, but there is hope for your heart.”
She looked at me as if she wanted to believe, but she had been disappointed so many times it was difficult for her to trust my words.
At that very moment, the Lord put into my mind a symbolic picture of what Brenda could do with her pain. I asked her to cup her hands together in the shape of a bowl. Then I asked her to imagine writing on slips of paper each specific hurt, the names of each person who had caused pain, each angering moment…and imagine placing them one by one into her “anger bowl.”
Brenda seemed more than eager to get it all out. Together we verbally “wrote down” every feeling of helplessness, hurt, and heartache related to the death of her daughter. Her sorrow, pain, and anger were so extensive, she agonized to recall each incident as we gathered them into her imaginary bowl.
I believed that Brenda had likely been carrying the burden of anger long before her daughter’s eating disorder. My aim was for her to leave the Arizona mountains
totally
free of the charred memories—from childhood on up. I asked Brenda to again imagine writing down the names of the people and events throughout her life that caused her anger and pain not related to her daughter’s illness and death, and to place those slips of paper in her anger bowl as well.
“Ask God to bring every person and event to mind so you can find complete healing,” I gently prodded. “Include even the ‘little’ hurts that could still be lingering.”
When the last “slip of paper” dropped into the bowl, I asked Brenda if she wanted to keep carrying all that anger or if she wanted to release it. “Oh, I want to release it all. I’ve carried this anger far too long as it is.”
Giving a Sacrificial Offering to God
“Now I want you to take this anger bowl over to the fireplace,” I explained, “and empty it all into the fire.”
“I really want to empty the bowl,” she quickly responded. “I
really need
to empty the bowl.”
Putting my hands under her hands, I softly said, “Let me help you.” Carefully we both carried the figuratively heavy bowl. “Brenda, although you felt you had the right to be angry, you can now present all your anger to the Lord as a
sacrificial
offering.” She nodded. Staring at the fire, she paused, then prayed, “I release my anger bowl to You.”
Slowly separating her hands…then slowly turning them over…she poured the contents of the bowl into the fire—her anger consumed by flames. Then with the palms of her hands still over the fire, she spontaneously began moving her fingers up and down—making sure no “slips of paper” clung to her, making sure no sliver of anger remained.
As Brenda presented her burnt offering to the Lord, I believe the God of heaven and earth received it as a sacrifice to Him. He blew away her anger like light ash on a cool breeze. He truly lightened her load.
That Sunday afternoon, after the conference had drawn to a close, Brenda’s friends rushed up to me, full of excitement. “Have you see Brenda today?”
“No, I haven’t seen her since Friday night.” Then they began gushing, their words overlapping one another: “It’s amazing…she’s joyful…she’s glowing…she’s radiant!”
Then one exclaimed, “Stay here! We’ll bring her to you.”
Off they scurried…and within five minutes, the flock of four returned. No doubt about it—their exuberant words were right. Brenda’s face was beaming—her eyes bright, her countenance beautiful.
The reason? Brenda’s anger bowl was completely empty. She had emptied her heart of all past hurt, all past pain, all past anger. She had yielded her right to hold on to her list of resentments, and had presented her offering to the Lord. He was well pleased.
It’s amazing to see how, in a relatively short amount of time, anger that had been smoldering for years could be snuffed out—the coals made cool by the breath of God.
Do You Need to Bring a Burnt Offering?
Has anger seethed in your soul for so long that you sincerely question, “Can it really be contained? Can it be completely extinguished?” Can the strongest of all emotions truly be transformed from adversary to ally?
The answer is unequivocally yes. But, as with Brenda, your starting point will probably be filling your own “anger bowl,” then releasing your anguish to the Lord and allowing His purifying fire to burn away the blistering pain that for too long has been harming you and those you love.
If you are tempted to think,
But I have every right to be angry! It’s too high a price to let go
, reflect on these words in the Bible: “I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.”
3
Realize Jesus promises to be your burden bearer. He gives hope to the hopeless and help to the helpless. Instead of casting hot coals on the people who have angered you, do as the Bible says: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
4
Every time you pick up burning coals to pelt people who have hurt you, know this: It’s like lighting yourself on fire and waiting for the other person to burn.
Golden Bowls: Beauty from Ashes
Tucked within the chapters of this book you will find imagery of bowls overflowing with the fire and heat of anger and our need to present them as a sacrificial burnt offering to God. But in the book of Revelation, the apostle John pulls back the curtain of heaven and grants us a glimpse of an entirely different kind of bowl: a bowl of beauty and blessing…a golden bowl of incense.
And there’s more: The incense that is perfuming heaven doesn’t originate from ordinary spices and plants. Rather, this incense contained in golden bowls is “the prayers of the saints,”
5
which creates a pleasing aroma enjoyed by our Lord Himself.

 

Think about it: Over all the years, God has considered and contained every single prayer ever lifted up to Him. Just the thought that He cares that much about your every prayer is absolutely
astonishing
!

 

What a privilege that, even today, we can release all of our anger into God’s purifying fire. We can tell Him about every hurt, every injustice, every fear, every frustration—with the assurance that He cares, and He tenderly treasures every prayer in a golden bowl.

 

Do you see the beauty from the ashes? When you pour out your anger bowl before the Lord—when you present Him with a sacrificial offering in prayer—it rises up before His throne as a pleasing aroma. When you prayerfully pass up the right to hold on to anger, you stir the heart of God and bring Him pleasure.

 

Throughout this book, we will view all sorts of imagery relating to anger, but as we do so, meditate on this beautiful vision in heaven. I pray it will encourage you all the more to release your anger to the One who dearly loves you.
2
TURNING UP THE HEAT
The Four Intensities of Our Anger
“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools”
(ECCLESIASTES 7:9).

 

I HAVE A CONFESSION: For a number of years, I struggled with an anger problem. I had an anger bowl filled with many slips of paper… with only one name alone written on all of them—
Dad
.
But it’s probably not what you think. I’ve never been a dish thrower, wall puncher, or fist shaker. Far from it. And my voice, even when I’m angry, doesn’t reach high decibels.
My problem with anger stemmed from total ignorance: first, in having no understanding about it, and second, in not knowing how to handle it. I considered anger as always bad—an emotion to be
avoided
when it flared in others, an emotion to be
extinguished
when it flared in me.
Recently, when I discussed these thoughts with a close friend, she reminded me of how I typically dealt with anger—even as a young adult.
“You used to hide behind doors,” she recalled.
“Whenever you would hear your dad walking toward the room you were in, you’d slide behind the door rather than run the risk of facing his rage. Even if he wasn’t in a bad mood, you made sure you avoided
it
…and
him
, by staying out of harm’s way.”
My friend’s comment basically captured how I responded to anger, or even the potential for it. I’d try to get out of the way—walk, run, hide, whatever! I’d try to move far away from any bull whose nose was flaring or eyes were flashing. But what I didn’t realize, as I grew up in age and height, was that the contents of my bowl of anger were growing as well.
My “disappearing act” concerning my dad goes back to childhood. I was raised in a family that clearly had—to use the vernacular—“anger issues.” My father was admired by many—primarily for being a brilliant businessman and a superpatriot, an avid anticommunist. However, he was as
deficient
in his personal skills as he was
efficient
in his professional skills. Sadly, his private life brought pain to most people around him.
When it came to anger, my father was a powder keg always on the verge of explosion. And worse, no one ever knew what might be the match that would light the fuse. For example, one Saturday afternoon, my sister Helen and I were sitting on the floor playing chess in a tiny room off our living room. (At the time, Helen was in the eighth grade, and I was in the twelfth.) I remember hearing my father’s heavy footsteps coming closer…and closer. And we became ever so quiet.
When the footsteps stopped, there he stood, towering over the two of us. We looked up at him…and waited…and waited. He kept staring at the chess set.
Finally, he spewed, “PUT THAT CHESS SET UP! DON’T YOU KNOW CHECKERS IS MUCH MORE SCIENTIFIC THAN CHESS!”
Immediately my blood began to boil. Talk about “turning up the heat”! I screamed back (in total silence), “Checkers is NOT more scientific than chess!” We spoke not a word.
In slow, slow motion, we removed each chess piece one by one from the board. The king had bellowed his orders. We two pawns complied. We knew not to counter him. (Instead, I pulled out my imaginary pen and slip of paper, quickly scribble on it, and then dropped the paper into my anger bowl.)
On an emotional level, I believe a modern application of this scripture could explain our fear of his anger: “A king’s wrath is like the roar of a lion; he who angers him forfeits his life.”
1
To this day, I remember my father’s
exact
words from the sabotaged chess match—both his and mine.
I’ve often described my upbringing as “walking on eggshells.” Yet more accurately, it was like walking through a minefield. I felt I had to tiptoe around, placing one foot cautiously in front of the other, so as not to trigger an explosion.
One specific event had the greatest impact on forming my fearful attitude toward anger, and it occurred when I stepped out from behind the proverbial “door.” My dad’s involvement with numerous women wasn’t exactly a secret. There came a time when I felt he needed to be confronted!
The day came when I stood before my father, determined and fully motivated by my righteous indignation (although I didn’t know that term at the time).
My approach was an accusatory, “How could you…?!” He dismissed my words with, “I’m
not
a Christian. I
don’t
have to go by Christian ethics!” Then came his allegation that Mother was mentally ill. I followed with a sarcastic remark, and he countered by inflicting multiple blows to my back. End of “discussion”!
The result of my confrontation? The next day, I was promptly sent to boarding school, where I was forced to live for several months. I was exiled from family…expelled from home…punished for
confronting my dad with the truth
. Although the school was only ten minutes from our house, I was prohibited from setting foot inside our home. That crushed my mother. She felt responsible for what happened, yet was powerless to change it.
The only time I had attempted to use anger for a “worthy cause” went woefully wrong. It was an experience that left an indelible impression, to say the least, and translated into one of the deepest wounds in my heart.
And because of my “boarding school banishment,” I developed my own personal style of anger management—I became a “peace at any price” person. I did whatever I could to keep the peace to avoid any eruption of anger from others.
While anger has a legitimate purpose in certain situations, it must always be handled with great caution and care.
In retrospect, by suppressing my true emotions and stifling my sincere convictions, I squelched the person God created me to be. And I unwittingly contributed to an extremely unhealthy family dynamic. Surely, that wasn’t what the Lord had in mind when He created human beings with emotions—even the most potentially explosive ones.
To awaken in an unfamiliar bedroom at a boarding school can feel unsettling, especially because you’re faced with the fear of the unknown. It’s an odd feeling to awaken from a sound sleep and wonder,
Where am I?
And you look around trying to get your bearings, trying to find something familiar.
To be in a stupor of angry emotions and wonder
How did I get here?
can also create fearful frustration that serves as a breeding ground for insecurity and emotional conflict.
What can we do when we find ourselves in such a situation? To arrive at an answer, we must first learn some basics about anger.

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