Keeping Victoria's Secret (2 page)

Briefly he gave her a once over. What a
frump! Where’d she get those old lady clothes? And what’s with that
big bun thing on the back of her head? Hey, she’s not moving at
all. She must’ve hit her head pretty hard to be knocked out like
that. I’d better hurry and get Doc over here right away.

He hobbled downstairs trying not to put any
weight on his sore foot. Limping naked across the cold kitchen
linoleum, he lifted the receiver of the old rotary phone to call
the doctor. Why couldn’t Uncle Charley have put in an upstairs
extension? As he listened to distant ringing, Jack couldn’t help
grinning as he recalled the vision of smooth shapely legs and red
silk panties. Not bad, but a little weird.

As he hung up the wall phone, the doorbell
rang, followed by insistent rapping.

“Doc said he’d be here immediately, but he’s
not that fast. Who the hell could this be?” He limped gingerly
toward the door and was relieved to see the face of his friend
Vince Cangelosi on the other side of the glass. He wrenched the
door open.

“Hey! Keep your pants on Vince!

He and Vince stared at one another for a
moment. His friend was in his police uniform, obviously on duty. In
stark contrast, Jack was still naked.

Frowning, the police officer shouldered him
aside. “My pants are on but you seemed to have misplaced yours,
Bud. Mind if I take a look around?”

“Come on in Vince, I just got out of the
shower. Maybe you can help me. Gotta, I don’t know, sort of a
situation. I’m glad you’re here.”

Vince’s partner stood on the lawn next to the
open door of their patrol car staring at him. There was something
odd about the man’s expression, and he had his radio in one hand,
the other resting on his holstered revolver. From the radio came
inarticulate squawking from the police dispatcher. He had the
distinct impression that Vince and his sidekick weren’t here on a
social call.

Vince stepped into the hall, removed his hat,
and stared hard at him.

“I’ve got this woman upstairs, maybe you can
help me,” he blurted.

Vince’s eyebrows rose. “I’ve never known you
to ask for help with a woman. Where is she?”

“Well, I’ve got her in the front bedroom. The
crazy girl practically jumped into the shower with me and scared
the shit out of me.”

“I see. Hope you don’t mind Jack; I’m going
to come in and look around. Fact is we got a nine-one-one call from
this house. A girl claiming someone was about to rape or attack
her. She wasn’t talking about you was she? Can’t imagine you
attacking somebody, but then…” Vince paused, considering Jack’s
naked body. “This girl did say that there was a guy running around
without his clothes on. That you she was talking about?”

He looked down at himself and blushed. “I
knew she was some kind of crazy nut job! She actually called
nine-one-one? Attack her? Rape? I don’t think so Vince. Let me get
dressed and explain. Honestly, I’m coming out of the shower and she
was just... damn. I’ll go get dressed,” he started for the
stairs.

“Wait.” The cop looked from side to side,
into living and dining rooms as though he expected to see a
frightened girl peeking out. He took a step or two, bending down
and retrieving a shoe from where it had fallen to the foot of the
stairs. Holding it up, they both could see that it was a woman’s
high-heeled shoe. Vince frowned and raised his brows in
question.

He opened his mouth to respond to the cop,
but then shut it again.

“Hey Jack, if this was some sort of blind
date that went sour, well, just say so. We got this call. You
understand we have to see the girl and make sure everything’s all
right?”

Frustrated, he sighed and ran fingers through
hair still wet and uncombed. “Yeah Vince, but she just showed up
here without any warning. Got into the house somehow and was at the
door when I got out of the shower. Never seen her before in my
life, I swear! She slipped and hit her head on the floor, but Doc
Sweeney will be here in a minute. Guess I kind of startled her.
Come on up and you can see for yourself.”

The cop stared at him, one brow still raised
in question, or disbelief? Vince can't possibly think I'm guilty of
something, could he?

“Jack, you stay down here, I’m going up and
talk to her. I’ve got the impression maybe she’s seen enough of you
already, if you understand me.” With that, the officer started up
the stairs, leaving him unsure what to do next. His decision was
quickly made for him.

Footsteps sounded on the front porch and he
turned to see that the door still stood open and now there were
three startled faces looking at him. One was that of Vince’s
partner, one was that of Doc Sweeney, whom he was very glad to see.
The third person amused at the sight of his naked body was Doc’s
wife, Elvira.

Horrified, he turned and ran limping back to
the kitchen searching for some scrap of cloth to cover himself. All
of his clothes were upstairs. Desperately, he opened kitchen
drawers looking for something, anything. Maybe there’s something in
the cellar? No time for that.

Emerging from the kitchen, grimacing with
embarrassment, he sported a ruffled apron tied at the small of his
back, with a kitchen towel tucked in behind. He knew he must look
ridiculous, like a cross between Julia Child and an Iroquois
Indian.

The cop stared, eyes growing wider as a
snicker slipped out. They were all trying hard not to laugh.

“Excuse me folks,” he said shuffling upstairs
clutching the towel against his backside, hoping to hide his
nakedness from the three grinning people behind him.

At the top of the stairs, he turned and
passing Vince, headed for his room at the end of the hall. The cop
barked out, “Jack!”

He slowed, turned to Vince, and gestured
towards the door next to him. “She’s in there.”

Holding up a hand, Vince motioned for him to
wait as he reached the door, but before he could knock, it swung
open.

The girl was a sight as she swayed; holding
tightly to the doorjamb with one hand, in the other she clutched a
lamp like a drunk with a gin bottle. Her bun had slipped to one
side and clung like a small animal on the side of her head and her
clothes hung askew. Purple bruising spread on the side of her face
as her glazed eyes took in the police officer first, and then she
looked at the others waiting on the stairs. Turning, she studied
Jack curiously, and lowered her eyes to just below his waist,
blinking several times at his bazaar costume. Then she vomited.

Everyone took a step back to avoid the
splatter.

Doc’s gray haired wife cleared her throat,
and making an effort not to smile, started downstairs. “I’ll just
wait in the car, dear. No, on second thought, I’ll go on home and
start dinner. Call if you need me. Good day gentlemen.” Nodding and
smiling she slipped past the others.

Vince shook his head, still grinning. “Some
days, the darnedest things happen. And Jack, I’m not sure your new
outfit there is any improvement over the buck naked thing.”

While Doc tended to a now thoroughly
embarrassed and confused Victoria Buonadies, Jack went to his
bedroom to get dressed. As he struggled to tuck in his shirt, Vince
was in the hallway, calling him.

“Damn it Vince, hold on a minute. I’ll be
right with you.” He came out barefoot in jeans and work shirt.
“What do you want?”

The cop still wore an amused grin. “Yup, like
you said, the girl has a nasty bump on her head. Think she’s all
right though. Doc’s a good man and he’s taking care of her, but
you’ve got a hell of a mess to clean up.”

“That’s just great,” he looked with disgust
at the mess on the floor.

“Queer thing is she keeps saying that this
place belongs to her and asking what you’re doing in her house. How
hard did she hit her head anyway? Maybe we’d better take her to the
hospital.” Eyeing Jack he added, “She had some crazy idea you were
going to rape or murder her. I assured her you’d do no such thing.
I’m right about that, aren’t I Jack?”

“Come on Vince! How desperate do you think I
am! Some frumpy nutcase in red panties tries to climb in my shower,
and I’m the one you suspect of doing something strange?” Rubbing
his face with both hands and pulling at his hair until it stood on
end, he stared at Vince in consternation. “This is a
nightmare!”

“Hey man, relax. We’ll figure this out,” he
said laying his hand on Jacks shoulder. Then he drew back and shot
him a narrow look. “What red panties?”

“Now then, my dear, I really do suggest you
let us take you to the emergency room. You were unconscious for
some time and you have concussion.”

Vicky stared at the man who’d introduced
himself as Dr. Sweeney. She turned then to glare at the previously
naked man, relieved to see that he now wore jeans and a blue denim
shirt. He sat in an armchair on the other side of the room glaring
back at her.

“I’m not going to the emergency room or
anywhere else. I want to know who he is and what he’s doing in my
house.” She stabbed a forefinger in Jack’s direction. Attempting to
sit up and swing her legs over the side of the bed, she clutched
her stomach and clapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god,” she
moaned, sinking onto the bed once more.

Dr. Sweeney was at her side, lifting her legs
back onto the bed. “Trust me Miss. I assure you; with concussion
you must rest and remain still. You’ve had a bit of a shock.
Perhaps we won’t take you to the hospital after all. Jack and I
will stay here with you and monitor your condition for today. I’m
sure you’ll feel better in a bit, but you should avoid any
stressful situations.”

“Jack?” she asked. “Okay, I give up. Who’s
Jack and why is he here in this house? Yes, I’m stressed out and
it’s all his fault,” she spat out pointing across the room. “This
Jack or whoever he is, appears out of nowhere stark naked, scaring
me to death. Of course I’m stressed.”

Jack shot back angrily, “I beg your sublimely
idiotic pardon, but I was taking a shower in my own bathroom and
didn’t jump out at you from nowhere. I’m here because I live here
and it’s my house not yours. How did you get in here anyhow?” He
turned to Dr. Sweeny, “She’s a nut!”

“I’m not a nut! I heard what you said out
there to that policeman and I am not a frump either!” Sniffling,
she began looking for her purse, but didn’t see it anywhere. “I got
in with my key to the front door. You’re the idiot; it’s my house.
Where’s my bag?”

The doctor retrieved it from atop a blanket
chest at the foot of the bed, smiling at her deferentially. He
handed the purse to her. “Here you go young lady; I put it aside
for you and I discovered your cell phone under the dresser. Just
try to remain calm and quiet for a bit. It’s the best thing.”

She rummaged around the large leather bag
until she located her cell phone. Squinting at it, she noticed
there was a missed call. Recognizing the number as that of the
lawyer, Mr. Douglas, she saw the answer to her dilemma. Jabbing her
finger at the phone’s buttons, she returned his call. As she
listened to the ringing, she and Jack continued to glare at each
other.

When he answered she said, “Mr. Douglas, I’m
at the house, and wondering what happened to you. There’s a problem
here.” She listened for a moment as the two men watched her. “Yes,
I see. Okay. Very good, see you in a few.” Closing the cell phone,
with a satisfied smirk on her face, she returned Jack's stare.

“You’ll see who in a few?” growled Jack.

“Mr. Douglas. He was my grandmother’s lawyer
and he’s going to explain to you that this property belongs to me
because I inherited it from Nanna when she passed away two months
ago. Then you, Mr. Jack, whoever you are, will have to leave.”

Jack looked at Doc Sweeney, who simply
shrugged and said, “Douglas is a good man. You know Fred Douglas
I’m sure, lawyer in town?”

Jack stood, with his arms folded across his
chest glaring down at her and said, “I’m not going anywhere.”

The doctor rose, sighed heavily, and said,
“My advice is that we all try and remain calm. Let’s all just take
a deep breath and relax, shall we? I’m certain that this will be
sorted out in due course. I’m going down to the kitchen and make us
all a nice cup of tea. How does that sound?”

"Thank you Doctor Sweeney, that sounds
wonderful," Vicky said.

Jack just grunted and returned to his
chair.

Fred Douglas and Doc Sweeney were old
friends. They greeted each other at the front door and made their
way chatting upstairs to the bedroom where Victoria sat propped
against a pile of pillows. Jack sat stony-faced with a can of beer
in one brawny fist. After introducing the lawyer, Doc handed Vicky
a large mug of tea and joined the others in seats ranged around her
bed. A minute or two of silence ensued, everyone sipping
speculatively.

Cradling her steaming mug of tea in both
hands, she watched them apprehensively. This is the weirdest thing
that ever happened to me. I really hope Mr. Douglas can straighten
out this mess.

Fred cleared his throat and spoke. “I
represent the estate of Victoria Baxter. I am the executor handling
her will. Mrs. Baxter has left this home and the property
surrounding it, commonly known as the Willet Farm, to her
granddaughter, Victoria Buonadies.” He nodded toward her. Mr.
Conner I’m curious, how did you come to believe that you could
claim ownership of the Willet farm?”

“Are you nuts?” Jack looked from the lawyer
to the doctor and back. “My uncle left this farm to me in his will
when he died. He promised it to me for years.”

“I’m sorry to have to tell you, your Uncle
Charley never owned this property,” said the lawyer. I have the
deed, which is in her grandmother’s name. It was recorded in
1946.