Keeping Secrets in Seattle (22 page)

I love you. I’m sorry. I need you. I can’t be with anyone else, because you’re the one I’m meant to be with, and if we don’t at least try to be together again, I may as well lie down in the middle of the street and let a bus hit me, because that’s how much it’s going to hurt to keep denying my feelings for you…

Okay, that was a bit extreme. But it was time to tell Gabe what was in my heart. We were meant to be together.

“I’ll never let him hurt you again.” Gabe murmured his promises into my hair, his warm breath chasing away the chill.

“It’s okay. It’s over,” I whispered. “Are you okay?” I pulled back and brushed my finger along his swollen lip.

“I’m in better shape than he is.” He glanced out the window, where a minivan with a green-and-white checkerboard pattern painted on its door was slowing to a stop in front of the house. “I wanted to kill him.”

“I know. I did, too. But he’s gone now. We can go back to normal.”

Gabe’s jaw remained locked. “I don’t even know what normal is anymore.”

The front door swung open, and Guthrie and Curtis came into the house, their faces grim. “He’s gone,” Curtis confirmed, wiping the rain off his balding head. “He told the cabbie to take him to the airport. I don’t imagine he’ll be back anytime soon.”

Gabe’s arms dropped, and he looked at Guthrie. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to lose my cool, I—”

Guthrie’s gaze traveled from his son to me. “I know you were angry, son. I’m going to go check on your mother.”

I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. “Gabe, can we talk?

“What?” When Gabe looked at me, his eyes were moist and rimmed with dark circles.

“Where have you been all week?” I asked, my chest tightening.

“Around.” He looked away. “I took a few days off of work. Drove to Bellingham and camped for a few days.”

“You had me worried sick,” I said. “Why didn’t you call Cameron and tell him not to come?”

He shook his head and his jaw clenched. “I needed some time to sort things out before I told my parents.” Gabe brought his eyes back to mine. “Before I could see you again.”

I gulped. This wasn’t going the way I’d seen it going in my head. “It didn’t occur to you to call Cameron and tell him that the wedding was off, and not to come to Seattle?”

“Talking to Cam wasn’t at the top of my list of things to do,” he said through gritted teeth. “By the time I tried calling him, he didn’t answer, and I thought it might be good to see him.”

The hair on the back of my neck stood upright. “You
wanted
him to come here?”

“No,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Yes. I don’t know, maybe. Part of me wanted to look him in the eye and—”

“And kick his ass on your parents’ back porch?” My voice rose, and I heard the hushed conversation in the next room stop. “Gabe, you would have put him in the hospital, and then you would be in jail.”

He scowled at me. “And you would have complained if I’d pummeled him?”

My face heated. “No.”

“Then I guess we have an understanding.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket and strode toward the door. “I have to get out of here…”

“Wait,” I said, following him through the door and back out into the rain. “Where are you going? We’re in the middle of a conversation.”

Gabe stopped but didn’t turn around and face me. “Vi, I can’t do this right now.”

“You can’t do this right now?” I yelled. “We’ve been in love with each other since we were kids. You know everything now. There are no more secrets. Why are you pushing me away?”

He turned and looked at me. “Every time I think about kissing you, about touching you, I picture Cameron hurting you, and I can’t see straight. I get nauseated.” Gabe reached for me, then let his hand drop at his side. “I do love you, Vi. I love you so much it hurts. But I just cancelled my wedding. Alicia still calls every day. I can’t get back the non-refundable deposit on the reception band. I can’t even think about starting another relationship right now.”

The hollow feeling I’d grown accustomed to over the years I’d spent watching Gabe date dozens of other women returned. I wrapped my arms around myself and drew in a sharp breath. “You love me, but you won’t be with me?”

He flinched. “Don’t take it that way. I didn’t mean it like that.”

My hard candy shell was returning, my eyes filling with disappointed tears that I refused to spill. “If you think I’m going to wait around for another nine years for you to come around, you’re kidding yourself.” An ornery tear escaped and slid down my face. I prayed that Gabe would mistake it for a raindrop.

His head tilted, and the crease between his eyes deepened. “Vi, no. Don’t cry…” Gabe’s hand came up to my cheek, and I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from turning my face into his palm.

I took a deliberate step backward, out of his reach. “I know I kept a horrible secret from you for entirely too long. And I’m sorry. But you haven’t been perfect, either. You say you’ve loved me for years, yet you never told me. And dammit, Gabe…” I covered my face. My words came out muffled through my shaking fingers. “Why didn’t you force me to tell you what happened? Why were you so quick to assume that I would sleep with someone else? Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Gabe watched me melt down. His shoulders shook, and I wasn’t sure if he was cold or fighting tears of his own.

I pointed at him. “Yes, I screwed up. But you did, too. You say you love me and always have, but now I’m being told to wait for
you
to come around, when we’re
both
hurting! We should be going through this together.”

“Vi,” he said, taking a step toward me.

I put up my hands. “No. I can’t do this anymore. I understand you’re upset, and that everything you thought was true was a lie. And I’m sorry for that. But I would rather be alone forever than beg the man I love to be with me.” I glanced up at the Parkers’ house, where all four of our parents were lined up at the window, watching us solemnly. “Go sort things out alone. I’m done.”

I reeled around on my heel and walked away. Gabe called my name behind me, but instead of turning around, I picked up my pace. Rainwater splattered my already soaked feet as I walked, but I didn’t care. My heart was breaking. Again.

Chapter Twenty-Two

May 15, 2012

It’s my 26th birthday today, and I called Chloe and told her that I want the job. In two weeks, I’ll be moving to Portland. My mother hasn’t stopped crying, and my roommates keep trying to bribe me into staying. But I haven’t changed my mind yet. I can’t. It’s time to start over…

“Well, happy birthday, darlin’.” My mother’s voice lacked its usual lilt, and I sighed.

It was Saturday the fifteenth. The day Gabe would have gotten married, had he not broken up with Alicia. Twisting my coffee cup on the tabletop, I said, “Thanks, Mom.”

It sucked knowing that this was going to be my last birthday in Seattle. Next year, my mother would have to drive down to Portland to take me out for coffee, because once I crossed over the Columbia River into Oregon, I had no intention of coming back for a while.

My mom cleared her throat. “Are you going to the Mariners game with Nora and Guthrie tonight?”

Shaking my head, I gazed out the window. It was a sunny spring day, and there were tulips blooming in the planter box outside the coffee shop. But on the inside, I was numb. A dark cloud had taken residence inside my heart. I didn’t want to be out for coffee with my mother. I wanted to be at my apartment, stuffing my belongings into boxes and singing along with Adele on my iPod.

“Nora called, but I never called her back.”

“Isn’t it tradition? Pizza and baseball?” She offered me an encouraging smile, but I remained stoic.

“Some traditions are meant to be broken.” I sniffed indignantly. It wasn’t the Parkers’ fault that I was hurting, but it was wrong to let Guthrie and Nora lavish me with attention when I didn’t think I could ever face their son again.

“I guess. You know, it’s going to be really lonely around here without you.” She adjusted her giant wedding ring and watched me closely. “This is your home, Violet. You love this city. Won’t you consider staying?”

“Mom—”

“I promise not to bug you about going to the Parkers’ for holidays.” She offered me a feeble smile. “I’ll learn to cook a turkey myself. We can stay home. Just you, me, and Curtis. It’ll be nice.”

“You love going to the Parkers’,” I reminded her, using a napkin to dab up the ring my mug left on the table. “I’m not going to ask you to stop doing what you love. I need a change of scenery. My new job pays better, and I’ll be in a managerial position, so it’s good for my r
é
sum
é
.”

My mom snorted. “Come on. When have you ever cared about your r
é
sum
é
?”

“Thanks.” I glowered down at my cup.

“That’s not what I meant.” She reached across the table and covered my hands with hers. “Violet, you don’t care about r
é
sum
é
s and money, because you’re deeper than that.” When I looked up and into my mother’s eyes, she nodded. “You care about being creative and having fun at whatever you do. You care about your friends and family. You care about being true to yourself and making the people around you happy.”

My throat tightened. “Mom, I—”

“I know that you’re hurting.” She squeezed my fingers. “I know that you’ve dealt with a lot in the past few weeks and that you’re trying to get over Gabe by running away. But that’s not like you. You’re stronger than that. If you love him, you need to tell him so.”

“I did,” I said. “He said he needed some time.”

“He did.” My mom’s mouth pulled into a line. “He’s had a lot to process. And maybe he didn’t handle it as well as you were hoping, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t worth fighting for.”

I took a drink of coffee and it tasted bitter in my mouth. That was the very thing I’d said to Gabe. Why wasn’t I worth fighting for?

“
You need to understand that love isn’t all romance and flowers and great sex, Violet.” I raised my eyebrows, but she didn’t stop. “Real love takes work and effort and time. Real love is willing to wait while you sort your shit out and is still there once you get your head on straight.”

I put my cup down and stared at my mom. I was getting love advice from
Fourth Marriage Barbie
now? What next? Was my estranged father going to waltz in and lecture me on the importance of family?

“I know what you’re thinking,” she continued, her eyes moistening. “You’re thinking that I’ve been married so many times, and been with so many men,
that my opinion doesn’t count. But it does. The reason I spent most of your life chasing love was because I wasn’t capable of working for it. When your father left, I thought that finding love again would be easy. But every time a challenge arose, I was the first one headed for the door. It wasn’t until I met Curtis that I learned what it meant to really love someone.”

“What does it really mean?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“It means the person you’re with is worth fighting for.” She blinked a few times and sniffled. “It doesn’t matter what they do or say, it just matters that when you look at them, you know that you’d be willing to go anywhere, do anything, or wait forever for them. They’re worth it.”

I pictured Gabe standing in the rain, his shirt blood-spattered and soaked through. His eyes rimmed in red and his lip swollen. So much betrayal to process, and I’d sent him away for needing more time. Regret pressed down on me, and I was invisibly strapped to my seat. I could only sit there and wallow in the realization that I’d done the very thing I’d accused Gabe of. Not fighting for him.

My mother plucked her purse off the floor and pulled out a twenty. She slid it underneath her coffee mug, then leaned forward in her seat. “Violet, you’ve loved Gabe since you were six years old. Go find him. Work this out. Don’t let Cameron destroy what you guys have a second time. I don’t care if you move to Portland or Boston or Paraguay. Just don’t do it to get away from Gabe. You two are meant to be together.”

I was surprised when emotion swelled in my throat. “Thanks for the coffee, Mom.” I gestured at my empty cup but meant so much more.

She nodded knowingly. She knew what I meant. “Would you like a ride home?”

“No. My apartment’s only a block and a half away. I think I’ll walk.”

“It’s beautiful out.” She stood, then bent to kiss my head. “A good day for a walk. I love you, Violet.”

“I love you, too.” She put on her sunglasses and walked out, disappearing into the crowd outside of the shop. The evening sunlight hung low in the sky, casting an orangeish pink glow over the sidewalk. Sighing, I fingered the rim of my coffee cup. I needed to decide what I was going to say to Gabe. I wondered if the erotic bakery down the block sold humble pies. Clearing my throat a few times, I pulled my BlackBerry out of my pocket and dialed the number I’d had memorized for years.

“
Hi, this is Gabe Parker. Not around right now. You know what to do.”

I pressed end
and sat there for a few minutes. Where was he? I dialed the Parkers’ number. My throat tightened when Nora picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Nora. It’s Violet.”

“I’m so glad it’s you! Guthrie and I were going to call you on our way to the M’s game tonight to wish you a happy birthday. Are you going to join us?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. How I wish I were on my way to a Mariners game with them tonight. “Actually, no. I’m sorry. I’ve been…preoccupied.”

She sighed. “I know, dear. Your mom said that you’ve taken a job in Portland.”

“I…well, yes.”

“Oh, Violet, we’ll miss you so much.”

“I know. Me, too.”

“It’s going to crush Gabriel.”

My breath caught in my throat. “That’s why I got back to you. Is Gabe going with you to the game?”

“No. He has a work party tonight. He wasn’t going to go because of the wedding, but now that it’s canceled, he decided to appease his boss.”

The lightbulb went off above my head. Gabe had dropped a flyer in my living room on the night he’d read the journal. There was a formal awards banquet being held downtown. “Thank you, Nora. I appreciate it.”

“Are you going to try to catch him before he leaves?”

“No. I think I’m going to meet him there.” I couldn’t control the excitement in my voice.

I practically heard Nora grin. “I think he’d really like that. He’s been missing you this week, you know.”

“I know.” My voice shook as I stood and headed straight for the café door. “I needed to work through some things.”

“So did he, dear.”

“Thanks for everything,” I said, walking as fast as I could down the crowded sidewalk. “And Nora?”

“Yes?”

I bit my lip. “I love you.”

She sighed happily. “I love you, too, Violet.”

As soon as I hung up, my phone vibrated, notifying me of an incoming e-mail. I gasped when I saw that it was from Gabe, and a woman passing me with her groceries turned and stared.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, my pace slowing considerably as I opened the e-mail.

Vi,

I know that you don’t want to hear from me, and that you’ve decided that you’re better off without me. And I promise to respect that. But since you won’t let me have my say, I decided to get everything off my chest now. So that you can know what’s in my heart, and what I’ve been trying to tell you all week, before you move to Portland.

I remember the first time I ever saw you. It was during recess in kindergarten, and a kid knocked you down in the playground. When he ran past you a few minutes later, you clotheslined him right there on the blacktop. I knew then that I would love you for the rest of my life. You’re strong. So strong. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized just how incredible you really are.

I’ll never be able to take back the fact that you were hurt by Cameron while I played Mr. Popularity. And I’ll never be able to take back the fact that I didn’t fight for you during those weeks after it happened. But I can fight for you from now on. Because you’re the only woman who has ever really, truly mattered. Even if you never want to see me again, I’ll never give up. I’m so sorry I shut you out. You were right. We should have become closer through this instead of pushing each other away.

Violet Anne Murphy, I love you with everything I am, and everything I will be. You have all of my love, and you will for the rest of my life. You’re worth fighting for, Vi. You always have been.

With all of me,

G.

My eyes were blurry with tears as I scrambled to find my BlackBerry
and dial Gabe’s number again. I couldn’t stand it. I needed to see him…I needed to hold him, and to tell him that I would never give up on him again.

“
Hi, this is Gabe Parker. Not around right now. You know what to do.”

I hung up and jogged the rest of the way home. As I bound up the stairs and fumbled with the lock, I could smell homemade spaghetti sauce cooking, and heard Kim and Betsy belting out Queen inside. When it finally flew open, it smacked the wall; I practically fell into the apartment.

“Whoa,” Kim said, looking up from the giant pot of sauce she was stirring. “Where’s the fire?”

“We cooked spaghetti for your birthday dinner.” Betsy held up a DVD. “And we rented a movie. No sulking alone for you tonight.”

Kim laughed. “That’s right. We’re sulking with you.”

I dropped my purse on the floor, crossed through the living room into the kitchen, and pulled both of them into a tight hug.

“I…ugh…” Kim grunted as I smashed her face into my shoulder.

“Wow. Okay.” Betsy patted my back. “I’ll rent movies more often.”

When I leaned back, I beamed at them both. “You guys are seriously the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for.”

Kim narrowed her eyes. “Are you drunk?”

Shaking my head, I threw my head back and laughed.

“She’s hammered. She went out drinking alone.” Betsy
tsk
ed at me. “That’s the first sign of a problem, Violet.”

Kim frowned. “The problem is that she didn’t call and invite us to join her.”

“I haven’t been drinking.” I released them and started rubbing my palms together. “I’m just thinking clearly for the first time in weeks.”

“What gives?” Kim asked.

“I need to go somewhere tonight,” I announced. “And I need help from both of you to pull it off.”