Keeping Pace (8 page)

“What happened?” He knew as well as most. He’d been there for me after the devastating call from the hospital. “My husband died. That’s what happened.”

“Yeah, but that was
several
years ago.”

“It doesn’t feel like several years ago.” I wanted to rage against Lou for daring to suggest I shouldn’t miss Patrick. That I wasn’t allowed to still mourn for him. Not only that, his lack of empathy was confusing. “Not to me.”

“Regina, time moves on. You need to move on. When’s the last time you had a date?”

Biting my lip, I rose from the table and went to work retrieving coffee mugs and the requisite coffee condiments. My hands weren’t quite shaking, but inside I felt as if I trembled. He’d outstayed his welcome already. Quite an accomplishment for someone who’d been here less than fifteen minutes.

By the time I’d set two steaming cups on the table and sat again, I thought I’d gotten my emotions under control. Lou reached for one of the cups and went to doctoring his.

“Program development isn’t your first love, is it?”

I still reeled from his chastisement, so his question caught me off guard. It took me a minute to respond. “No—no, it isn’t. I mean, I enjoy what I do, but I would have never guessed ten years ago that I’d be here now.”

“If an opportunity to move into something different came along, would you take it?”

I sipped on my sweetened coffee, already feeling as if my energy level doubled before it had a chance to pass to my stomach. “Possibly…probably. Depends on what we’re talking about.”

“It involves a promotion. You’d be my peer.”

This made me sit up, my brain already doing all sorts of calculations around my current salary. “Don’t leave me hanging!”

“The district is forming a new position that you’re well qualified for. They’re looking for someone to oversee instruction and operations.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Lou grinned. “That’s the beauty of it. It means whatever you want it to.”

Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t get it.”

He reached across the table and unwrapped my fingers from around the mug. His thumb stroked along the inside of my palm. Even though it wasn’t sexual—I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way—the tickling made between my thighs tingle. “All you need to get is that it’s an incredible opportunity. Yours if you want it.”

“Why me?”

“Besides the fact you could do any job you set your mind to? Because I like you, Regina.”

Maybe the coffee wasn’t doing the job I needed it to do because none of this made any sense to me still. We went from talking about Patrick and my dating habits to this position with the school district. I was flattered Lou thought me capable, but what connecting piece was I missing in this conversation?

“You’d be my peer, you understand,” he continued. “That would change the rules.”

Why was he talking in riddles? My frustration bubbled over. “What rules? Lou, I’m sorry, but I am totally not following any of this. It’s early and I need more coffee…and I just need you to spit it out.”

His fingers interlaced with mine. “Us. I’m talking about us. You wanted to stop what we had going because of my promotion. We’d be peers now. A little birdie would only need to tell the right people you want the job, and it’s yours. And there’d be an us.”

Oh, for heaven’s sake, when it rained, it poured.

I know I couldn’t have hidden my surprise well. Even I noticed that my eyes were bigger and rounder. I’d lost the ability to speak, my mouth falling open and then closing, making me look the idiot. What
us
? Sure, we’d gone out a few times, and we would always be friends, but the spark I needed hadn’t existed. Had I been the only one there after we’d had sex? Surely Lou had to have recognized the lack of chemistry between us. He wanted to try again?

“Good morning.”

The feeling of being caught with my hand in the cookie jar—or in the hand of another man—made me freeze. Josh finished pulling on his shirt in the middle of the kitchen doorway, but not before I’d seen him look at where Lou had been holding on to me.

Lou slanted his eyes at me, his confusion apparent. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had company.”

I slid my hand out of his. “Lou, this is Josh.” My heart pounded. “Josh, this is
my boss
, Lou.” With everything in me, I hoped Josh took the hint when I emphasized Lou’s relationship to me. It wasn’t that I needed him to be polite or anything on my behalf; I needed him to get there was nothing going on between us, despite our guilty appearances.

My turmoil ebbed somewhat after they shook, but my thundering heart still insisted no good would come of this. Josh poured himself a cup of coffee and stood propped against the counter, drinking the black brew. “Don’t let me interrupt.”

With those words, I knew he’d heard what Lou had said before he’d walked in. He kept any jealously out of his tone, but I could barely look at him. I’d done nothing wrong yet couldn’t help feel the weight of his stare as he watched over us—like a parent might watch over two horny teenagers on a darkened front porch.

Lou, on the other hand, studied Josh’s wet hair, his bare feet, and the fact his shirt clung to his still-damp body. There was so much said and not said just by his appearance. There weren’t many reasons why a man his age would be at home with me. To me, the most plausible one meant we must have been related. While I have a few distant cousins, Lou knew I don’t have an immediate family, although Patrick did.

Lou glanced at me. “So Josh, how are you related to Regina?”

Oh God
. Apparently Lou and I thought alike.

Josh took a casual sip out of the mug. He looked back at Lou with cool green eyes. “Gina and I aren’t related.”

My cheeks went white-hot as I listened to him use his pet name for me during sex. Lou wouldn’t know the significance of it, but Josh had just marked me in front of my friend. A loud declaration of his place in my bedroom.

Some part of me said to step up and claim Josh as my boyfriend, but that at once seemed silly. I was too old for a “boyfriend”, yet wild horses couldn’t have pulled the word “lover” out of me, either. I didn’t know what Josh was to me.

At the end of the day, he was a friend. I said as much to Lou who, as I figured, didn’t buy it. He looked at me, a long scrutiny this time, with a question inserted between us. He’d come to my house this morning with the intention of renewing our old ties but now wasn’t certain if someone else had already stepped up to do the job. I’m sure he wasn’t certain of this, but the idea was there.

Lou picked up his mug and then drained it. “I guess you did have plans after all, Regina.” After placing the empty cup in the sink, he turned to me and said, “Think about the job, and my proposal. They’re both still open.”

“Nice meeting you,” Josh said to his retreating back.

“Likewise,” Lou called over his shoulder.

I waited until the front door opened and closed before rising to my feet. The tie of my robe chose then to slip, and I had to catch the two flaps before they exposed my nudity to Josh. He’d been staring at me, not saying a word. Just sipping his coffee.

“Who was that?” he asked softly.

I’d never seen him angry before, but I’d also never heard this level of calm in his voice. I suspected they went hand in hand. “My boss, Lou. I told you.”

“You usually dress like that for your boss?”

My breath caught as heat licked my cheeks. “That’s not fair. You know he got us out of bed. I didn’t know it was him when I came down.”

Josh ignored my logic. “And you told him you didn’t have any plans. Not even the plan for going to the museum with me today?” After setting the mug down again, he folded his arms over his chest. “How are we related?” he mocked. That even-keeled voice had frozen over.

“Don’t do this. Don’t make it—”

“Why didn’t you set him straight? Why didn’t you tell him what I am to you?”

His rapid-fire interrogation unnerved me, and I didn’t know how to react. To be surprised or to be angry. To understand his viewpoint or to dismiss it.

“Because I don’t know what you are to me. We’re having fun—”

“Is that what you think? Is this it really?” His green eyes narrowed, and I felt him take an emotional step back. His voice flattened. “I’m your boy toy, is that it?”

I reined in all of my emotion. If Josh saw or felt the combined anger and fear in me, this argument would never find an end. “Lou came to tell me about a job.” I took a tentative step forward, wanting with every breath in me to walk into Josh’s arms, yet knowing if I did so right now, he’d retreat and never return. “He wants me to consider another position with the district. A promotion.”

We stood facing each other in silence for so long I wasn’t sure he was listening to me. Water dripped from the ends of his hair onto the black Soulless T-shirt he wore. I don’t know which was worse: the way he’d peppered me with questions and unspoken accusation, or watching those damned drops darken that shirt. For every second that passed, as the circle of moisture grew, I felt him withdraw.

“I overheard the last part. The part about you two becoming an item—again, it seems.”

“That was his idea. Not mine.”

He pushed an agitated hand through his hair. “I don’t care that he brought it up. I do care that you didn’t tell him you’re already spoken for. That you have me.”

“Josh—”

“And I walked in, giving you an opening. A way to explain why you wouldn’t pursue a relationship with him, and you didn’t take it.” Josh rushed forward, grabbing my shoulders. His eyes searched mine. Pleaded with me. “Fuck, Regina… I’m left standing, wondering why I’m even here.”

I didn’t know how to answer him. What words would placate his tumultuous feelings? My hesitation must have lasted too long. His voice resigned, he said, “I’m going to run a few errands and probably go catch that exhibit.” The one he’d asked me to see with him. The one I’d avoided. “I’ll see you later.”

After he dropped his hands, my arms stung with the memory of his grip. Still, I didn’t move as he walked away from me. Only when I heard the front door opening and shutting a few minutes later did it occur to me he’d left me alone.

Chapter Nine

Josh didn’t come back the rest of the day, and I missed him fiercely. Every time I went to call his cell phone, I tried to think of what I would say, and nothing came to me.

Lou was no threat to him. Not even by a long shot. That ship had sailed, and I wasn’t on it. On Monday I’d let Lou down in no uncertain terms, but Josh wouldn’t be there to hear that part. He’d left knowing I hadn’t claimed him when I should have.

While I wanted to apologize to him, at the same time I questioned why I should. Could I help it that I remained uncertain about our relationship? We had sex—lots and lots of sex—and we talked. We shared our days and often our dreams. But I felt as if we were missing something between us. Some undefined thing that solidified our relationship into something more.

I’d allowed myself to enjoy him, knowing we’d never make it a serious romance. I’d wanted to have fun and that was all this was supposed to be. Harmless fun.

The day dragged on, thoughts of Josh plaguing me all the while. I tried to tell myself that we needed this break, and it would be better for us in the long run. From almost the first day, we’d been attached at the hip, and that couldn’t be healthy. But when I’d climbed into bed that night, the sheets smelling of him, the empty feeling in my belly intensified. How silly was that? After a single day away from him, I felt more alone than I had in a very long time. Only the fact he’d still left me with his usual gift of two roses propped against the back door dulled my sadness somewhat.

The sound of the doorbell followed by insistent knocking woke me. “Are you shitting me?” I mumbled as I glanced at the clock. It was somewhere around o’dark-thirty, and someone wanted me? Now?

Still grumbling, I didn’t bother with the robe over my cotton nightgown. Someone had better be dead or dying to have woken me up at this hour. Falling asleep without Josh next to me had taken a small miracle, and a curse on the person who got me up before the sun rose on a weekend.

Blinking away grit, I peered through the peephole, trying to get my swimming vision to focus. I swore it looked like Josh on the other side of the door, but it had to be some sort of wish fulfillment.

I unlocked the door and pulled it open. “Josh? Is something wrong?”

“Hey.” Finger-combed hair and a light smattering of stubble along his jaw suggested hastiness to come over here.

My pounding heart raced harder as I studied him. What once was adrenaline from being startled awake, slowly, subtly shifted into powerful surges of excitement caused now from just the sight of this man. I only had to look into his smoky eyes, still drowsy soft, and my heart found a new beat.

“Hey yourself,” I replied.

“I wasn’t sure if our sunrise date was still on, Mrs. Pace, so I took a chance.”

I frowned. “Our sunrise…” It took me a minute to recall, but then I remembered the other night when I’d been suffering from insomnia. The date he’d asked for. I smiled. “I’d like it if we’re still on.”

He wore a pair of gray sweatpants with another T-shirt from his collection. This one was a little snug, the cotton stretching over his form until the definition drew my attention from the rest of him. I loved looking at him and would gladly pay dear money to cop a feel or two while I did so. Once again I had to question why God smiled down on me with Josh. Whatever the reason, I was grateful.

He moved as if to step over the threshold but stopped himself. The look he gave me wanted to know if the argument was still on. I stepped back, making room for him and letting him know it certainly was not.

Despite my feelings, the atmosphere around us was awkward. Neither of us spoke as if afraid one word would ruin the mood and we’d go back to the subject that had separated us in the first place. I’m still not sure who owed an apology to whom, or more importantly, if one was even necessary. I’d hurt his ego, but he’d also hurt mine.

He probably would have been comforted if we discussed Lou and my non-existent relationship with him. The threat Josh saw there didn’t exist. At least, I didn’t think so. Lou had been relegated to the friend role, and it would take a small miracle to push him out of it. The sense of security Lou gave me wasn’t about love, but loyalty. Josh would see that with time, once he set aside his male pride.