Keeper of Dreams (18 page)

“You won’t find anything yet,” Ryan said.

“I know,” Todd answered. “But the meeting is on Friday.”

Ryan slammed down a sheaf of papers on his desk.

“We’ll make the report then,” Todd went on.

“If we make a report then it will be worth exactly nothing,” Ryan said angrily.

“If we make a report then—and we
will
make a report then—it will be as accurate as human understanding can make it. Do you think we’ll miss anything now? There’s nothing. Our blood is no different from the blood of our great-great-grandfathers who lived to be ninety-five. There are no microbes. And viruses are just corkscrews.”

“If you do this,” Ryan said, “I’ll recommend that you be removed from your post and the viral microscopy series be run again.”

Todd laughed. “Calm down,” he said. “I’m twenty-four.”

Ryan looked at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Todd said, “don’t worry about it. In a few months, you can run the whole thing over again if you want. And the guy after you, and the one after him, run it over and over and over again through eternity. I won’t care. You’ll have your time in the sun, Ryan. You’ll have six years as head of the department and you’ll write papers, conduct research, and then you’ll roll over like the rest of us and wiggle your feet in the air for a while and then you’ll die.”

Ryan turned away. “I’ve got the point, Todd.”

“Dr. Halking, boy,” Todd said. “Dr. Halking to you until I’m dead.” Todd walked to the window and opened it. Outside on the lawn was an afternoon rally of the Fatalists. “Hasten the day,” they sang at the top of their decrepit lungs, white hair flashing in the breeze and the sunlight. “Take me away, death is the answer, don’t make me stay.”

“Shut the window,” Ryan said. Todd opened it wider. Two students, graduate students about sixteen years old, took a few quick steps toward him.

“Relax,” Todd said. “I’m not jumping.”

Todd was still standing at the window when Val Lassiter came. “Ryan called me,” Val said.

“I know,” Todd answered. “I heard him call.”

“Let’s talk,” Val answered. The students left the room. Val looked at Ryan, and he also left. “They’re gone,” Val said. “Let’s talk.”

Todd sat in a chair. “I know what you’re thinking,” Todd said. “I’m showing the signs.”

“What signs?”

Todd sighed. “Don’t give me any of that psychiatrist crap. I read your book. I’ve got it all: Tears, worries, inability to bear delay, impatience with friends, unwillingness to admit any possibility of hope, suicidal behavior—I’m so far gone that if Jesus whispered in my ear, ‘You’re saved,’ I’d believe and be baptized and not be surprised at all.”

“You shouldn’t have read that book, Todd.”

“I read the book but I’m not over the edge, Val. I will be, I know, but not yet. It’s just Sandy—I was a fool, I let myself get too attached, you know? I can’t handle it. Can’t let go. Keep feeling there’s got to be a way.”

Val smiled and touched Todd’s shoulder. “You’ve devoted your life to
finding a way. So have I. So have all of us from the project. Geniuses all, even Sandy, what a damned shame she’s the first to go. But the cure won’t come overnight. Won’t come by trying to reverse what’s irreversible.”

“Who says it’s irreversible?” Todd demanded.

“Experience,” Val said. “What, do you think you can go out of your discipline and outdo the experts in a sudden flash of inspiration? All you’ll think of are ideas we’ve thought of and discarded long ago.”

“How do you know it can’t be reversed? We don’t even know what causes the aging, Val. We don’t even know if it
has
a cause—why is the cutoff point separation therapy? Why can’t you help people once they revert to that?”

Val shrugged. “It’s arbitrary. We can’t do that much for others, either.”

Todd shook his head, saying, “Val, you don’t understand. Maybe what’s going on in separation therapy is part of what
causes
the senility—”

Val stood impatiently. “I told you, Todd. You’ll only think of things we already thought of. It can’t be the cause because separation therapy began
after
the aging epidemic. It was tried as a
cure
. It was used so we would mature faster, so we would have more adult, productive years. Todd, you know that, you know it can’t be the cause, what is this?”

Todd picked up a stack of readouts. “Forget it, Val. Tell everyone I’m over my breakdown. It’s Sandy being over the edge. I just couldn’t handle the grief awhile, OK?”

Val smiled. “OK. Have you turned her over yet?”

Todd stiffened. “No.”

Val stopped smiling. “It’s the law, Todd. Do it soon. Do it before I have to report it.”

Todd looked up at Val with a sickening smile on his face. “And when will you have to report it, Val?”

Val looked at Todd for a moment, then turned and left. The others came back to the lab. They worked all afternoon and far into the night, pretending nothing had happened. At least Todd hadn’t suicided. So many did these days, especially the brilliant ones; no one would have been surprised. But Todd they needed, at least for a while more, at least until the young ones had a chance to learn. Otherwise they’d be a few years deeper into the hole, there’d be a few more years’ worth of learning lost, a little bit less that one man could hope to do in his short lifetime.

Todd called in sick the next morning. He was not sick. He took Sandy by the hand, led her to the car, and drove her to the childhouse. He flashed his security pass and rushed Sandy through the halls as quickly as possible, so no one would notice she was over the edge.

The rushing about left Todd’s heart fluttering, his old hopeless heart, he thought, only a few more months, only a few more weeks of pumping away. They were met at the observation window by several young researchers; couldn’t be out of college yet, maybe fifteen. Hair still young, eyes still bright, skin still smooth. Todd felt angry, looking at them.

They were impressed to be meeting
the
Todd Halking. “Gee, Dr. Halking,” the heavyset young women enthused, “we never thought
our
work would have any application on the biological end of things.”

“It probably doesn’t,” Todd said. “But we need to check every angle. This is my wife. She has a cold, so I’d advise you to keep your distance.”

Sandy showed no sign of paying attention to the conversation around her. She only watched the large window in front of her. On the other side a child was playing with two stuffed animals. One was a bear, the other a lion.

“Poogy,” Sandy whispered. “Gog.”

A research supervisor walked into the observation room and began the testing. For a moment Todd tuned in to the heavyset woman’s droning explanation: “. . . check to make sure the child’s reliance is not pathological, in which case special treatment is necessary. In most cases separation therapy is judged to be safe, and so we proceed immediately . . ..”

The tests were simple—the supervisor knelt by the child and showed affection to each love object in turn, first by patting, then by kissing, then by taking the love object briefly and hugging it. Though the little girl showed some signs of anxiety when the researcher took the love object away for a moment to hug it, she was considered ready for therapy. “After all,” the student explained to Todd, “for a five-year-old to show
no
anxiety would be as startling as extreme anxiety.”

And so the separation therapy began. The attendant took both stuffed animals and left the room.

The little girl’s anxiety was immediately more acute. She watched the door for a few moments, then stood up, went to the door, and tried to
make it open. Of course the buttons didn’t respond to her touch. She paced for a little while, then sat back down and waited, watching the door.

“You see,” said the student, “you see how patient she is? That can be a sign of exceptional maturity.”

Then the little girl ran out of patience. She began to call out. Her words were inaudible, but Todd could hear Sandy beside him, mumbling, “Poogy, Gog, Poogy, Gog,” in time with the little girl’s silent cries. She was reacting. Todd felt a shiver of fear run through him, upward, from his feet. She would react, but would it do any good?

The little girl was screaming now, her face red, her eyes bugging out. “She may, because she is an exceptionally affectionate and reliant child, continue this until she is unconscious,” said the student. “We are monitoring her, however, in case she needs a sedative. If we can avoid the sedative, we do, because it does them good, like a purgative, to work it out of their system.”

The little girl lay on the floor and kicked. She beat her head brutally against the floor. “Padded, of course,” said the student. “Persistent little devil, isn’t she?”

Todd noticed that tears were rolling down Sandy’s cheeks. Profusively, making a latticework of tear tracks.

The little girl jumped up and ran as fast as she could against the wall, striking it with her head. The force of the impact was so great that she rebounded a full five feet and landed on her back. She jumped up again and screamed and screamed. Then she began running around the room in circles.

“Oh, well,” said the student. “This could go on for hours, Dr. Halking. Would you like to see something else?”

“I’d like to continue watching a while longer,” Todd said softly.

The little girl abruptly stopped moving and slowly removed all her clothing. Then she started tearing at her naked skin with her teeth and fingernails. Streaks of bloody wounds followed after her fingers.

“Uh-oh,” said the student. “Self-destructive. Have to stop her, she might go for the eyes and cause permanent damage.”

The last word was lost as the door slammed behind her. In a moment the observers saw the student researcher enter the therapy room. The little girl flew at her, screaming and clawing. The student, despite her
weight, was well trained—she subdued the child quickly without sustaining or causing any wounds. Todd watched as the woman deftly forced a straitjacket on the child.

“Dr. Halking,” one of the other students said, interrupting his observation. “I beg your pardon, but what is your wife doing?”

Sandy was removing her last stitch of clothing. Todd managed to catch her hands before she could rake her nails across her sagging bosom. The ancient hands were like claws where he held them—and madness poured strength into her arms. She broke free.

“Give me a hand here,” Todd said, meaning to shout but only able to whisper because of the way his heart was beating.

When they finally forced her to the ground, shaking and exhausted, her own skin was streaked with blood, and some of the students had marks on them. Todd’s face was bleeding, mostly where two-day-old wounds had reopened.

The matron of the childhouse came in almost immediately after they subdued Sandy. “What in heaven’s name are you
doing
in here!” she demanded.

They told her. She narrowed her eyes and looked at Todd. “Dr. Halking, what do you mean bringing a woman who was over the edge into a childhouse? What did you mean letting her watch separation therapy? What in heaven’s name were you
thinking
of? Are you trying to create catatonia? Are you trying to get some of my staff killed? You’ve certainly got some of them fired for letting this happen!”

Todd mumbled his apologies, urging her not to fire anyone. “It was all my fault, I lied to them, I—”

“Well, Dr. Halking, I’m calling the police at once. This woman is obviously ready to be turned over. Obviously. I can’t understand a man of your stature playing these
games
with a woman’s safety, and just plain
ignoring
the law—”

Todd apologized again, praised the fine work they were doing, told her he would make a favorable report on their behavior, and finally the matron calmed down. Todd managed to extricate himself. The matron did not call the police. Sandy took Todd’s hand and followed him docilely out of the building.

When he got her home he let got of her hand. She stayed standing
where he had let go of her. When he came back into the room a few minutes later, she was still standing there in exactly the same position.

He spoke to her, but she didn’t answer. He took her hand and led her. She followed him to the bedroom. She stood by the bed when he let go. Gently he pushed her onto the bed. She lay on it, not moving. He raised her arm. She left it raised until he reached out and lowered it again.

He closed her eyes, because she wouldn’t blink. Then he sat on the bed beside her and wept dry tears into his hands, his body shuddering with rapid, uncontrollable sobs, though not a sound came. Then he slept, feeling as sick as he had claimed to be that morning.

Sandy remained catatonic for the rest of the week. He hired a student from the university to come in and feed Sandy and clean up after her.

On Friday Todd and Ryan gathered their hastily prepared reports and flew to San Francisco for the meeting. Val Lassiter was on the same plane, but they all pretended not to know each other. The secrecy continued when they reached the city. The scientists were all put in separate hotels. They were brought to the meeting at different times, through different entrances. Some of the were instructed to wear casual clothes. Others wore business suits. One man wore a white uniform. Another wore a hard hat.