Keep the Window Open for Me (4 page)

I turned and went to leave when arms came around me. I felt a familiar heat wash over me and comfort me. Danny was holding me, embracing me so gently. I choked back a sob. Why was he doing
this?

“I love you too, Erin.”

Those words…He had finally said them…Those words I had wanted so much to hear. Those words that would make my heart burst in happiness, and my pulse race with joy; he had said them to me… But my heart remained silent and my pulse was slow in my veins. I felt numb inside from those words and how he said them to
me.

Even though he said it, he didn’t love me… At least not in the way I did. He said it like he would say it to a family member—a sister. In the end that’s all he thought about me. I was his friend, his sisterly figure. I could be nothing more in his
eyes.

I turned in the embrace and faced him, staring hard. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I couldn’t stand how he could tell me such sweet things and twist their meaning to something sorrowful. I couldn’t stand how much he meant to me while I meant only as much as a friend. What I said next came from my selfish side. I couldn’t stop my mouth or my hands from moving. I unbuttoned my jacket and let it fall carelessly, pooling around my
feet.

“If you love me, then prove it,” I told
him.

There was a moment that passed where Danny was still and confused, but there was no hesitance in his eyes like I thought there would be. There was no second guessing or thought, only feeling. His hand moved to my cheek and with a gentle caress with his thumb, he leaned in close to me. The look in his eyes scared me. It was so serious and different from what I had always seen. It made my knees go weak and my heart beat so fast in my
chest.

Why had I never seen this look before? Was this specially reserved for his lovers? Is that where it had been hidden all these years? He was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my lips. At that my own breath caught. This wasn’t what I had expected at all. My head was starting to get dizzy from his piercing
gaze.

“If that’s what it takes to make you believe me, then I’ll prove it to
you.”

His whispered breath upon my lips caused my thoughts to falter. I could never imagine Danny would say such things to me. Yet here he was whispering the sweetest of words without a hint of sourness. This didn’t sound like what a brother would say to a sister. It made me want to think that maybe I had been wrong about his feelings. It made me want to believe that he truly loved me the way I did
him.

His lips touched mine in a soft kiss and for the first time in years, I felt as if the universe fell away, and we were the only ones left alive. It was the greatest feeling in the world. It held so much warmth that I had craved since I met this person. I couldn’t stop myself as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Idly, I felt his arms come around me and pull me closer. My heart burst in my chest at the feeling. My pulse raced from his touch. My skin burned with the trails of kisses left by him. We couldn’t stop ourselves nor could we pause. Though slow and delicate, the special embrace we shared that night sent electricity coursing through us and lifted our hearts until they soared into the
skies.

Many kisses were shared and each one was more passionate than the last. My mind fogged and for the first time in years, since before I met this man, I was happy. It was a wonderful feeling, and, at last, I truly understood what Rose felt when she was with Reed. Now, too, I felt the same pure happiness. The last phrase he whispered to me as we fell asleep in each other’s arms, made me feel completely at peace. Finally, my heart had stopped
hurting.

“I love you, Erin.” By those words I fell into a deep comforting slumber that I hadn’t been able to obtain since those nights when I climbed in through Danny’s window and snuggled into his side all those years
ago.

The morning arrived sooner than I ever thought possible, and as I awoke that day, I suddenly remembered the night before. I sat up and with a crimson blush on my cheeks, my gaze fell upon Danny’s sleeping figure beside me. Finally my long unrequited love had been returned. Somehow, I felt so warm now inside. I felt really happy for no reason at all and my world had been tinted in a rosy hue. A soft smile upturned my lips, and I leaned down to place a small kiss on his temple. For the first time in months, I felt like I wasn’t dying. Instead, it felt like my life was just beginning. I felt like I was alive and that my heart was beating instead of
breaking.

“I love you.” The words seemed so easy now for me to say. They brought a tingle in my heart, which made me sink deeper into my rose-tinted world. I rested my cheek on my hand with that same elated smile on my lips. It didn’t feel real…I should have known better. It didn’t feel real, because it wasn’t real. By what Danny said next in his sleep, I knew the
truth.

“Amanda…” He breathed
out.

That one name stabbed into my heart and made my rose-tinted world shatter into a million pieces. With that one name alone, I felt betrayed and everything that happened last night was a lie. I was back to where I was before. The smile fell away from my face, and my eyes darkened to a sadness unmatched by any other I had ever
felt.

With years of ignorance, to be treated this way and finally loved by the one I loved, my heart broke entirely when he called the name of my ex-best friend in his sleep after a night with me. He loved her still. He didn’t love me. I didn’t cry right then and there. I didn’t allow myself to fall apart while he was so close. I simply stood from the bed and dressed again. I made no sound that would disturb him and when I was about to leave, my gaze fell upon him
again.

At the very least, I wanted to say good-bye one final time. Even if he didn’t hear me, I wanted to end things right. After my final good-bye, I would leave this house and never return. I would leave him and never see him again. Maybe after this, I’d go to a warm place where the snow never fell and the cold never came. I think I’d like a place like that where I didn’t have to keep craving for his warmth. I wouldn’t think of him anymore and I could die in peace without the pain of his memory. That would be what I would
do.

I walked across the floor that creaked at some places and stood by Danny’s bedside. Leaning over, I closed the distance between our lips and kissed him for a final
time.

My eyes closed at the feeling, and I couldn’t stop that one tear that dropped from my eye as I broke away. Without looking back, I went out of the room and closed the door behind me. I left, and as soon as I stepped out into the sunlight tears started to silently roll down my cheeks. I walked away from that house and out of Danny’s
life.

As promised, I would never think of him again. I couldn’t bear thinking of him during my dying days. Those kinds of thoughts would only lead me back here and that was a pain worse than a slow death. I’d never see him again because after this I’d never look back on my painful memories of
him.

Chapter Four

It’s been two months since I packed up my life and moved in with my cousin, Samantha, in New York. My condition has worsened and continues on that same path of destruction each day. And with that knowledge that soon I will be no more, my thoughts wander often like dead leaves being tossed about by the wind. As I pass happy couples holding hands huddling into each other’s warmth in this cold season, I can’t help but think back to the person I left mere months
earlier.

Though I chose to leave him, I can’t help but think about him constantly. I worry about his health, wonder about what he is doing, and foolishly hope that he might be thinking about me too. He’s far too ingrained in my life that I can’t stop thinking about him. For years he had been my closest friend and to completely forget about him would be impossible. It would be like forgetting a chunk of my
life.

The hardest part of it all is that I still love him, and there is no possible way for me to stop loving him—that I have resolved. I’ve accepted it though, and Samantha thinks it’s romantic —this notion of loving someone until you die. She says that it reminds her of fairy tales where love is everlasting and true. But this is no fairy tale, I know. There would be no happily ever after for Danny and
I.

Because, instead of in long years like in fairy tales, my death will be soon. All the preparations have already been made. When my heart finally gives out, everything of mine will go to my family and I will be buried in the same cemetery as Rose and my grandparents. All of it is done; now, all I have to do is wait. In these long hours, I wonder absently if heaven is real, and if so, and if I go there, what will it be like? Will it be white wispy clouds and golden resolute gates or will something else appear, something more unique to me? I’m not sure. No one is really. Death is the final unknown to this life, and I am awaiting its arrival much sooner than
others.

Opening the door to Samantha’s and my apartment, I shuffled inside and shrugged off my long winter coat. It was getting so cold outside. Mostly from the chilling air and the icy snow, but there was another reason the cold seeped through my clothes and into my bones. I had tasted true warmth once. It had blocked out the cold and acted as a healing balm to the frostbitten parts. Danny had been that source of heat in my life. Through a simple touch, his warmth would seep in and chase the chill out. And yet, when that touch ended and the contact was broken the warmth received would drift away with the passing breeze. There was no way to keep it for it was not mine to hold on to. It had never been mine and it never would be. Despite my desperate want for a happy ending, Samantha was so wrong; my life was nothing like the fairy tales she
described.

“I’m home,” I called out into the near empty apartment. Dragging my feet, I shuffled into the living room and plopped down onto the couch with an exhausted
sigh.

“You look tired,” Samantha commented spinning around in her chair to face me. I rested my head in my hands feeling exhaustion wash over me. She was right, of course; I couldn’t take much more of this. I was wearing out. It wouldn’t be long before my waiting came to an
end.

“Yeah,” I answered with a sigh. Leaning my head back against the cushions, I stared at the white ceiling. For a while now, all I’ve wanted to do is rest. With each day that passed, eternal sleep in a wooden box seemed more appealing. To lie down and simply rest, that seemed like a dream about to become reality. It wouldn’t be long until I could obtain that rest that was always held out of my
reach.

What would I do until my wait was finally over? I had quit my job, and I had already spent too many days wandering through the city. I wanted to feel at home near the end, but this enormous city filled with strangers was missing that homey sensation. There was only one place in the world that held that feeling for me. That place
was….

“You should go see him,” Samantha said suddenly as if she knew exactly what I was
thinking.

Sometimes I wonder if she really could by how accurate she always was. I slowly lifted my head to look at her. She looked serious, dead
serious.

“Before it’s too late, you should go and tell him good-bye properly,” Samantha
said.

She was right, nearly always was when it came to matters like these. Perhaps it was because she too had experienced the cold sting of loss like I had, and she regretted it like I did. I should go and tell him good-bye properly like Samantha said. It was the right thing to do. But could my dying heart take the
strain?

“Yeah, I should,” I said as I agreed with her. A sad smile tugged at my lips then. “But, I won’t…My heart just can’t take it,” I said with a shallow
breath.

Samantha looked at me with pity in her eyes before shaking her head at my pathetic state. Rolling her eyes at me, she spun back around in her chair to face her
computer.

“Then at least tell your parents. And I don’t mean calling them. They don’t need a phone call from their long lost daughter telling them that she’s dying. Go back home,” She said encouraging
me.

Go back home; it was a funny notion for me. The last place I had considered home was Danny’s house. As far as I was concerned, there was no other home for me, but
there…

“Yeah,” I said as my voice drifted away as I continued to stare at that white ceiling. It had been years since I had seen or spoken to my parents. I didn’t even know how they’d react to a sudden visit from their, as Samantha phrased it, “long lost daughter.” Nonetheless, I did as Samantha suggested. I went back to my mother’s house. She was right after all, my parents deserved to know what was going to happen to
me.

I took the first flight back to the city I was born in, and hours later I found myself walking the familiar streets once again. I didn’t think I’d be here again until that fateful day that I was brought home in a box. My escape to New York almost seemed useless now that I was back here and so soon too. But, to be truthful, I had missed this city. The air here eased my worries. This was where I had grown up after
all.

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t noticed where my feet were headed. It was only when I recognized the street sign did I realize just where I had unwillingly ended up. It was his house, Danny’s. There it stood the same as always—a modern-styled brown brick house encircled by trimmed green shrubbery. A large bay window allowed passersby a small glimpse into the inside of the two-story home. Around Christmas time, Danny would put his Christmas tree there to show off to his neighbors. I laughed a little, as I reminisced about those past Christmases. He was always so crazy around that time. When picking a tree, it had to be full without any brown and tall enough to reach the vaulted ceiling. It had to be just perfect or else he’d keep
searching.

One Christmas years back it had taken us until the twentieth to find a ‘suitable’ tree. I had nearly frozen solid that night as we scoured the tree farms for the perfect one. In the end though, when the Christmas lights were strung up and the ornaments hung, it was worth
it.

Shaking my head to focus on the current situation at hand, I stared longingly at the house that I had once thought of as my home. I took a tentative step toward the house only to freeze in midstep, remembering the day I had left this city. It was because of what he had said in his sleep the night after we had slept
together.

“Amanda
.
”
I remembered the name so clearly. A slight pain throbbed through my heart as I thought back. Wincing from the pain, my breath staggered. This wasn’t new to me. Since Rose’s death I had been having these pains in my chest. I’d grow weak and I’d become short of breath. As I tried to regain my composure, out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the house through the bay window. Feeling panicked, I walked away as quickly as I was able to, stumbling a bit as I went. I shouldn’t have come here in the first
place.

After I left Danny’s street, I slowly made my way over to my mother’s and soon I found myself in front of her front door. It hadn’t changed from how I remembered it. It was a modest two story house with light blue siding and white trimmed windows. With a big yard in the back to play and explore in, it was a perfect place to settle down in. This was once my childhood home, but has since been nothing but the house my mother lived in after my father and her divorced. This wasn’t a surprise visit; I had called back in New York to see if I could stay a few days. I hadn’t heard my mother sound so happy since I was a little girl and had made her some makeshift craft in
school.

Dad was in there too; this was probably the first time he had been in this house since the divorce. My mom had called him when I had asked to visit. I couldn’t imagine how that conversation had gone. The last time I had spoken to them they were always at each other’s throats, yelling and arguing about the most trivial of things. The only time they came together on anything was when they visited me on my high school graduation. After that, I could only assume they didn’t speak to one another just as I hadn’t spoken to either of
them.

I had never imagined myself returning here ever, but here I stood at their door again. However, this porch where I had spent many a day in the summer sitting and eating orange popsicles with my dad felt so foreign to me. The memories of my youth were here, but my heart that once had been so attached to these walls now belonged somewhere
else.

My hand reached up to knock on the wooden door, hesitating just before a sound was made. A thought occurred to me as I stood on the treacherous bridge between my present and my past. They were excited about this visit. They had actually come together for once so we could all sit down and have dinner together again like a real
family.

They didn’t know; my fate was a well-kept secret. I was going to tell them tonight. It would hurt them, devastate them, to know that their only child was going to die soon. My hand fell down to my side lifelessly as my courage dwindled away. I didn’t need to tell them. I didn’t need to go in there. I still had a chance to turn around and die without making anyone grieve for me. I could…but my hand, without my permission, rose up again and
knocked.

There was no time now to turn back and run. The door opened and suddenly I was face to face with the people I spent most of my teenage life trying to get away from, succeeding in the end. They looked older, I first noticed. Their slight wrinkles had deepened some and in my father’s hair gray was overtaking the
brown.

It was a strange sight to behold, them standing side by side, stranger they were both smiling, while my mother was tearing up. It made me think of fathers and mothers sending their child off on the first day of school. Instead though, my parents were welcoming me
home.

Such a strong emotion swelled within my chest upon realizing that. They probably thought that this reunion would be the beginning of a lifelong relationship now repaired after years of neglect on my part and guilt on theirs. In their minds, they probably foresaw that after so many years apart they had finally gotten their daughter back and that she was here to
stay.

A dull throbbing pain crept up my left arm straight to my heart where it constricted loosely. It was the same pain I had been feeling off and on for months now. It was my heart reminding me that this moment that should be soaked with happy tears and reconciled with lasting hugs was a
farce.

I would not be staying like they thought. I would not be renewing a long lost relationship with them like they hoped. At an undetermined day that was close by, I would be swept away by the angel’s cold embrace. I would die and their dreams of a happy family would die along with me. I should have walked away when I had the chance. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t break their hearts like
this.

Tears began to well up in my eyes as my throat closed from my attempts not to cry. All I wanted to do was run away, however, my feet were cemented to that spot on my old front porch where I had had so many happy memories as a
child.

My mother was the first one to react to the situation. Unsure of how exactly she was supposed to act, she took an uneasy step forward and reached out toward me. I couldn’t move. All the different emotions of wanting to run, knowing I’d die, and seeing my parents again were swirling like a hurricane inside of me conflicting and warring for dominance. It wasn’t until her soft wrinkling hands, the same ones that had held me as a baby, rocked me to sleep as an infant, bandaged my scrapes as a child, and carded my hair while I was sick, pulled me into her familiar embrace did I finally break down and give in to the raging storm inside of
me.

“Mom!” I said in a choked voice as I held onto her tightly with no intention of letting go anytime soon. Her grip was the same. It was as if we feared the very thought of loosening our grips for even a split
second.

“Erin,” she whispered softly as her embrace tightened around me. A sob wracked through my body before I had a chance to catch it and keep it from happening. All of the years I had spent with them came back to me in a torrent of water that bashed through any barrier of strength I had tried to create to separate my feelings from them in the
past.