Keep From Falling (Markson Grove Series Book 1) (64 page)

Bree

Lying in the double bed, squished between Evan’s and Adrienne’s bodies, I struggle to maintain a semblance of calm in spite of how fucked up this entire night is turning out to be. Evan and I are no more, and yet here we are, lying in bed next to one another with our bodies pressed together intimately.

He is asleep right now, his tiny snores confirming it. His arm is unknowingly draped over my body, and I don’t want to move it. I love the gentleness of his touch, I always have. There is a comfort in his love for me that will be hard to walk away from, even if it’s what he wants. I realize that I am blessed to have had Evan be my first and only male experience. I couldn’t ask for a better one. Not everyone is so lucky.

“Adrienne, are you still awake?” I whisper, breaking the silence of our attempted slumber.

“Yeah,” she replies, sleepily.

“Did Tris ever hurt you?”

“Not like what he did to Skylar,” is her cryptic reply.

“But he
did
hurt you,” I counter, encouraging her to continue.

“Yeah, he did,” she says with a sigh, opening her eyes and looking into mine. “But it’s not like I didn’t ask for it. I’m the one who told him to do it, I just didn’t count on him enjoying it so much.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s kind of a long story.”

“I have time.”

She looks me over, noticing Evan’s arm draped over my body and how I haven’t attempted to move his hand from where it’s resting just under my breast. I see her eyebrow rise slightly at the sight, but she doesn’t say anything about it, instead she sits up in the bed and prepares to tell me about her past with Tristan Gallagher.

“How much do you know about my misfitting days?” she asks finally.

I gently shrug Evan’s arm off of me and sit up to face her. “Not much. I know you were sleeping with Tris and Parker the entire time you were with Evan, and now I know that Tris was the one who sent him the video of the three of you.”

“Why did you ask if Tris hurt me then?” she asks with a look of confusion on her face.

“On the bus when he threatened you, you basically told him you’ve already been there with him. So I asked Skylar—”

“You asked Skylar about me?”

“Um… yeah, is that not ok?” I reply, hesitantly. Does she have a problem with Skylar for some reason?

“No, it’s fine, I’m just surprised that you were thinking about me while you were with her.”

Oh… wow.
Her words take my breath away for a moment and then I smile inwardly. She likes me. And I
like
that she likes me.

“Skylar said he hurt you once when Parker wasn’t around. But she said she didn’t know anything more because Parker doesn’t like to talk about what he did with you and Tris.”

“Yeah,” she says with a sad nod, “I know he doesn’t. That’s my fault.”

“Why is it your fault?”

Her posture stiffens and I see the hesitation in her facial expression. She’s not sure about elaborating and I suddenly feel embarrassed that I even asked. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be asking, it’s none of my business anyway.”

“No, I want to talk to you about it… but it’s not pretty. You might not like what you hear.”

“I won’t judge you,” I tell her honestly.

“I don’t usually share the really dark stuff with many people. But for whatever reason I feel like I can trust you.”

I smile. She’s not alone in her feelings. There is something about her that makes me want to be close to her too; something that makes me want to share a part of me that I don’t share with others, not even Spencer or Skylar. She makes me want to be my most secret self. It’s strange, and yet it’s wonderful all at the same time.

I reach out to take her hand into mine, giving it a squeeze. “I promise, I won’t judge you.”

She nods and after a few more moments, finally begins to speak. “What you need to understand first is that when I approached Tris and Parker about a sexual agreement at the mansion I wasn’t myself. I was in a very dark place and I didn’t want fixing. Evan wanted to fix me, but I needed someone who would be willing to hurt me instead.”

“Hurt? Like actual physical pain?” I ask, attempting to hide the horror in my voice. The idea of wanting someone to hurt you during intimacy is so foreign to me. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea. Why on earth would Adrienne want two guys hurting her while they had sex with her?

Adrienne nods while she examines my facial expression. “Parker agreed to do it, but only because he was in a place that was just as dark as I was, and he thought something extreme might help him to feel again. I understood his reasoning, I wanted to feel again too.” She sighs. “But Tris,” she says, and her voice trails off.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I interject, wanting to make it clear that she’s not obligated to continue her story if it’s making her too uncomfortable to remember it.

“No, it’s fine, I just hesitated for a minute because I don’t like sharing other people’s secrets. But I want you to understand this.”

“Ok,” I say uncertainly.

“Tris
wanted
to inflict pain. He wanted to be on the other end of a beating for a change. His dad is an abusive prick who has beaten that boy every single day of his life. He’s even hospitalized him a few times.”

Her words anger me. “I don’t want to see Tris as a person with a soul,” I tell her with narrowed eyes. “Not after what he did to Skylar. I can’t allow myself to sympathize with him.”

“I understand that,” she says. “I’m not telling you this because I want to make you feel sympathy for him. Tris is a monster, and I’m not saying that he isn’t. But he wasn’t born that way either; he’s fucked up for a reason. We all are to some degree, I guess.”

I still don’t want to think of him as a person with feelings because I don’t think he deserves it, but I digress because I know she’s not wrong. He wasn’t born a bad person; it was literally beaten into him. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

“Anyway, I used to get them to tie me up and stuff like that. I wanted them to be rough with me,” she confesses. Once she sees the look of worry etched across my face, she quickly goes on, “Parker was bad at it, he’s just not that type of guy. He’s so compassionate, you know? But Tris, needless to say, was a big fan of it. So much so, that Parker used to have to stop him when things would get too out of control. Eventually, Parker suggested that I pick something else I want to do with them instead. I think he was worried that Tris would get too carried away one night and he wouldn’t be able to stop him. The deal was that if I agreed to stop with the BDSM stuff, then whatever I chose to do with them instead they would do, no questions asked.”

I watch her fidget with the three rings on the fingers of her right hand as she’s confessing these dark secrets to me. She’s anxious about what she’s telling me, worried that I’ll think she’s a horrible person for the choices she’s made. So far, I can’t say she has anything to worry about, but I remind myself that the whole reason she’s telling me this story is to explain what it is she did to Parker to make him never want to talk about their time together.

“It was too much power for a girl who was so emotionally empty that she didn’t care about the people who cared about her. Most notably, Parker,” she says, her head lowering in shame. “I told them I wanted to have sex with them while they fucked each other.”

My eyes grow wide. “You said what?”

“It was a stupid fantasy of mine,” she continues without acknowledging my shocked outburst. It’s as if now that she’s begun telling me, she needs to get the rest out before she changes her mind. “And I had the power to make it happen, so that’s what I did. Bree, they didn’t want to do it, but the agreement was already set, the paperwork already done… they went through with it, that one time.” She looks up at me sadly.

“I had no idea,” I say after a long bout of silence because I honestly don’t know what else to say.

“I ruined them, those poor boys. And I can never take that back.”

After everything that I’ve come to know about Parker, her words leave me stunned. I don’t understand how she could have done that to someone who had been so kind to her in good conscious. “But Parker was so good to you. Why would you do it? The only reason you had the power to choose a different agreement, or whatever you call it, was because he was scared that Tris would hurt you.”

Her eyes narrow. “You think I don’t know that? I will live with this guilt the rest of my life, I promise you. I hate myself for what I did to them.”

I can tell that she isn’t lying about this. The tears welling in her eyes are a clear indication that her actions haunt her every day.

“Parker resented me after that, with good reason,” she says. “He opted out of our agreement the next night; the same night he met Skylar. I could have said no and not let him break the agreement because technically once you’ve made a commitment it’s there until all party member agree to end it, but I felt too guilty to do that to him. I owed him this, and he knew it. So the following weekend, while Parker was spending time with Skylar, Tris and I went back to the bondage stuff. And that was my second mistake.”

“Is that when he hurt you?” I ask, biting my lip nervously.

She nods. “He was pissed at me for what I did to them, and for driving Parker away. He had every intention of showing me just how pissed he was.”

“Oh, Adrienne,” I say.

“Don’t. I deserved it.”

“Don’t even say that,” I say with a quiver in my voice. “What you did was wrong, it was, but nothing deserves being brutally harmed at the hand of another. Nothing.”

She takes in a shaky breath and smiles at me with her eyes. “Thank you,” she says.

“How did you get him to stop hurting you?” I ask hesitantly. I don’t want to know the details of the attack, I don’t think I can stomach it because the images in my mind are honestly more than enough for me. But I need to know how it ended.

“Parker heard me screaming and busted into the room to stop him. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t heard me that night. No one else would have busted down the door of a BDSM room at the mansion. Everyone would have assumed the screams were a part of the session.”

I nod as though I understand it, but I don’t. I don’t understand what kind of establishment would allow this type of behavior to take place behind their secret walls. And more importantly, I don’t understand why anyone would want to. But the one thing I am beginning to understand is how good of a person Parker is. He’s not the monster I’ve deemed him to be all of this time. He’s a guy who’s caring, and kind, and selfless. A guy who would walk through fire to protect the people he cares about.

“Parker really is a good person isn’t he?” I say to her finally.

“He’s one of the best,” she replies with a distant smile. “Skylar couldn’t be in better hands with him, I promise you.”

I used to be concerned about Skylar being with him, but I’m not anymore. I’ve seen the way he looks at her. His love for her is undeniably true and his devotion is unwavering. I kissed her tonight, and even after knowing that, he made it clear that she wouldn’t lose him.

“Yeah, I’m beginning to see that,” I say.

“Are you still in love with her?” Adrienne asks.

I shrug. “It doesn’t really matter, love isn’t always enough is it?”

“That’s true,” she says with a nod. “It never seems to be enough.”

The way she replies leaves me curious about the relationship she once had with Evan. He was in love with her or at least he thought he was. He lost his virginity to her, thinking she was the be-all and end-all. She was
the one
in his eyes. But what was he to her? She couldn’t have really cared about him. She made her arrangement with Parker and Tris while she was with him. He wanted to fix her and she wanted to continue to be broken. So why stay with him? Why do that to a person?

And then I’m hit with a pang of guilt in my gut. That’s what I’ve been doing to him. Not in the exact same way, but in the end, I’ve been pulling him along because his love makes me feel good and needed.

“Did you love Evan?” I ask her finally.

She shakes her head and leans over to Evan, softly brushing the hair away from his face. “Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I’ve never loved anyone before… especially myself. It’s something I’m working on.”

“I think I do love him,” I say to her. “I know it doesn’t make sense but I can’t help it. He means something to me.”

I see Adrienne blink a few times upon hearing my confession, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, we both sit there in a comfortable silence for a long while as I watch her continue to gently comb her fingers through Evan’s hair. I smile when I see the dimple on his cheek that’s always been so instrumental in my uncontrollable desire for him. Why am I attracted to him? What is it about Evan that makes me respond to him like I respond to girls? How can that happen?

“Are you mad at me for kissing you?” she asks, breaking the silence.

I shake my head and brush a strand of her beautiful copper hair out of her eyes. “I’m not mad, I’m just confused.”

“Confused how?”

“I’m confused about what the kiss means; for you, for me, for Evan.”

“Do kisses always have to mean something?”

“They do to me,” I say.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s just how I am. Are you saying you just kissed me for fun? Are you toying with me? Because I’m already confused enough, I don’t need that shit.” I move away from her and start off of the bed.

“Calm down,” she says taking ahold of my wrist. “I didn’t kiss you for fun. I kissed you because I’m attracted to you. But also, it seemed to me like you were set on choosing Evan because Skylar chose Parker and you didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to show you that being gay doesn’t mean you have to be alone. But now that you’ve confessed that you actually love him, I feel kind of stupid for kissing you.”

“You think I’m a lesbian?” I joke.

She laughs and gives me a playful shove. “I’m positive you are,” she says loudly and then covers her mouth with her hand when her voice makes Evan stir in his sleep.