Katie's Choice (17 page)

“What kind of church does she go to?”

“I don’t believe she does.” How could he have known someone as long as he had known Monica without knowing her religious affiliation?

Katie Rose finally turned to look at him, her jade-colored eyes questioning in their disbelief. “She doesn’t go to church?”

“Not everyone has such a strong church background as you do, Katie Rose.”

“I do not understand that.”

Zane shrugged. “I grew up without believing in God.” Saying the words out loud in such a peaceful place seemed like an abomination. Well, they would have if he believed in such things.

“You said that the cooperative was a lot like here but without God. You meant—”

“Without God.”

Katie Rose was quiet for a moment. Thoughtful. Then she turned toward him, ignoring the slight pull on her line. “How do you do it? How do you live without God?”

Zane shrugged. That was one he’d never been asked before. “You just . . . do.”

Katie Rose wasn’t about to let it end there. “Who do you pray to?”

“I don’t pray.”

“Not ever?” Her line went slack. The fish must have lost interest and moved on, but Katie Rose dug in for the fight, such as it was. “And when somethin’ bad happens, and you wish that it was different, who do you ask for the change?”

“I dunno.”

“Is that not a prayer?”

“I suppose.” Zane shrugged again. “I never really thought about it.”

“You should. It’s impossible to live without God. He’s in your every footstep. Every beat that your heart makes. In the wind and the trees.”

In that moment Zane wanted to believe. He wanted to bask in the poetry of her words. Bow to a higher power. The earnest light in her green eyes made him want what she had, a faith beyond measure.

He cleared his throat, uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation. “Didn’t your parents ever teach you about the three things you should never talk about?”

She shook her head.

“Religion, Politics, and—”

“And what?”

He coughed, hoping she didn’t notice the flush of red creeping into his neck. “Two’s enough for now.”

“We do not speak of politics, Zane Carson. But God? He’s our way of life.”

Katie Rose’s words echoed through his mind for the rest of the evening. During the prayer at suppertime, when he was the only one at the table who didn’t bow his head before or after the meal, and again during the Bible reading when everyone looked to Abram with eager eyes and open hearts as he read Scripture.

Zane had lived his entire life without God. But what if what Katie Rose said was true, that it wasn’t possible to live without God? Was He always there? Surely for those who believed He was. But was God there for the nonbelievers? How could that possibly be?

Morning came with an increase in the normal flurry of activity. Aside from the milking, egg gathering, chicken feeding, cooking frenzy that normally occupied the Fisher household each morning, this Sunday held even more. It was the Fisher’s Sunday to host the church service, which meant the regular chores had to be completed extra early. That way the rest of the morning could be spent on final preparations for hosting nearly two hundred people for singing, worship, and eating. The singing for the teenagers would be held in the barn that evening, so it had to be especially clean.

Zane went about that morning doing his part to ensure that the service went off as smoothly as possible. Annie, it seemed, was unusually nervous. John Paul had told him that it was the first service she would be allowed to attend. She would state her intentions of joining the Amish church district, and the members would vote.

Or maybe her anxiety came because church would be held in the house she had helped run since Ruth had taken ill. She shouldn’t have worried because Mary Elizabeth and Katie Rose had come early to help, with Hester Stoltzfus and Beth Troyer arriving soon after.

Zane couldn’t help but watch Katie Rose whenever she was near. Her grace and smile were mesmerizing as she moved through the kitchen. Her words of yesterday haunted him even more. Could she be right about God? That it was impossible to live without Him because He was everywhere? And if she were, what did it mean to him? He couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea, couldn’t see it in its entirety, so he stuffed his thoughts back down. They’d keep for later, for a time when he could take them out and examine them carefully.

Zane had wanted to disappear as soon as the buggies started to arrive, but Ruth and Abram wouldn’t hear of it. Though he wasn’t allowed in the church service, they asked him to remain in the yard greeting the members, talking, and getting to know the people of the district better until it was time to begin.

The bishop, ministers, and deacon went inside the house first.

“They’ll go upstairs and decide what they’re goin’ to preach about today, and who’s goin’ to do most of the preachin’,” John Paul told him.

Zane nodded to Ezekiel Esh. The old man seemed to be moving a little slower than usual. The day had turned out a little colder than the one before, and tomorrow morning, the first frost of the season was supposed to arrive.
The cold must be getting to him.
He turned to John Paul. “They do this every Sunday?”

John Paul nodded. “
Jah
. Each Sunday we have church.”

“Right.” He’d forgotten. The church district only held church every other Sunday. On the off days, they visited with surrounding districts, traveling to see friends and loved ones.

Another half hour later, Zane found himself alone in the yard. Well, alone if he didn’t count the dogs, the cats, and the crazy number of buggies parked over to one side. He was still scratching his head over the orderly way they entered the church. Men first, then the women, followed by the younger boys who had not yet joined, and finally the young girls.

Suddenly he wished to be a part of them. For the first time in his life, he felt as if he were missing something important. He tried to shake off the thought, but the feeling lingered. He’d lived his entire life without religion, and he’d been just fine.

But have you lived your entire life without God
?

A shudder crept over Zane’s spine. That was a question he did not have the answer for, wasn’t sure if he ever would.

Three hours later the church members filed back out into the cool, sunny afternoon. Zane tried not to crane his neck to get sight of Katie Rose as the women started coming out of the house. He was about as successful as he had been not listening in on the church service.

He had kept to the yard, playing with the dogs and otherwise enjoying a lazy mid-morning, doing a whole lot of nothing. But he wasn’t able to understand a word that was said or sung. As far as he could tell, the words were German, not the rhythmic Pennsylvania Dutch he’d grown accustomed to hearing.

Now that church was out, his heart gave a hard thump at the thought of seeing Katie Rose once more, of sitting next to her as they ate, and talking some more. Maybe she could tell him a little more about her God. And maybe he could gain a little more understanding.

As he filled his plate with pickles and cheese, sliced apples and bread, he noticed the men on one side of the yard and the women on the other. He’d love to break ranks and sneak over and sit by her for a little while. It wasn’t like he was Amish, only pretending to be for a few weeks.

John Paul snagged his elbow as he started toward the women’s side.

“The men sit over here.” He nodded toward the rest of the men, young and old alike, dotted across one half of the yard. Most were talking and laughing, but there were a few, Zane noticed, who gazed at the women like lovesick puppies.

He sure hoped he didn’t look like that. No way. He just enjoyed Katie Rose’s company. It wasn’t like he was in love with her.

He gave her one last glance, then allowed John Paul to lead him away.

Katie Rose pried her gaze off the
Englischer
and focused instead on the food before her. The men had gone through the food line, and the women had their turn, filling plates for themselves as well as some of the younger children. Katie Rose had thought one day she would be filling a plate for her and her children while their father sat with the men and talked farming and horses.

Instead she loaded up a plate to share with Samuel. Strange how God’s plan for her was to be the one thing that she wasn’t. But she was happy with her life. Really, she was.

As she made herself comfortable in a bit of weak autumn sunlight, Samuel crawled into her lap. Katie Rose looked up to find Mary Beachy staring at her husband, John. She’d heard that Mary was going to have another baby. Sometime in early spring. This child would be number four. That sinful monster, Envy, rose up within her. She was happy for Mary and John. Really. But she had always thought some of that very same happiness would belong to her.

She sighed and bowed her head, saying her thanks for the food and for the beautiful day and asking forgiveness for her selfish thoughts. The good Lord knew what He was doing. She had to trust and believe, but so far she hadn’t kept her half of that agreement.

She looked up from her prayer to find Zane Carson staring at her again. Was it her own fanciful thoughts that had her imagining that his look was similar to the one John gave his wife? For sure and for certain, it must be. And yet . . . if she were mistaken, and if he truly was looking at her in that way, why did he have to be an outsider?

Samuel Beachy had looked at her like that before he left, but she wasn’t about to let herself dwell on that either. She gazed at the little boy lolling in her lap, and bent forward to plant a small kiss on the top of his carrot-red hair. She had her Samuel now. She really should be thankful for all the things she had and not the secret longings she’d kept hidden for so long.

Thoughts like that would only leave her with a broken heart.