Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 1.1 - Sometimes You Just Know (8 page)
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Authors: Kate Sherwood
"Is that… do you think he thought you'd got what you came for, and that's why you pushed him away?"
"What?" Chris can be pretty perceptive sometimes, but Justin is never sure when it's one of those times.
"Well, you said he was getting some serious love at the bar, so it's not like he had to drive you cross country just to get laid. And he agreed to spend the night with you, and hang out the next day, which is a serious amount of time to spend with someone you've just met, right? So… presumably he liked you. Wanted to get to know you."
Justin nods cautiously. "I guess."
"Okay, so then you get some action, and don't seem interested in any more. Is it possible that he thought that's all you were after, and that's why he got pissy?"
"But…I said he should stay, and we could hang out…."
"Yeah, dude…I don't know how things are in the gay world, but if a girl brought me home, then we fooled around, then she said she didn't want to have sex but we could still hang out the next day, I'd take it as a pretty clear brush off. Like 'I hope we can still be friends,' territory." Chris grins a little ruefully. "I might even ask myself if maybe she hadn't appreciated what she'd gotten, if maybe she thought the free sample didn't justify the full sale."
"But, I tried to make it clear that… Fuck! The sample was incredible!" Justin buries his head in his hands. "How could he not know that I want him? Everybody wants him!"
Chris shakes his head. "I don't know, man. Maybe he's been burned too many times. Or, fuck, maybe it's something else altogether, I don't know. I mean—maybe he just wanted to get laid. I don't know why he wouldn't take the easier targets at the bar, but maybe he had a reason."
"Shit. I… do you think I fucked it up for good?"
Chris shrugs unconcernedly. "I don't know… maybe. But, hey, you're Justin Archer. You can do whatever you set your mind to, right?"
supportive. Chris sees the look and grins, then slaps Justin in the chest, hard. "Fuck off, man, I'm trying to be good. So… you just need a plan, right? A way to get things back on track? And maybe…." Chris shakes his head. "Maybe this time, you think a little more with your big head, you know? Don't be a cocktease—if you're not going to put out, make it clear from the start, and make sure he understands why."
"This time? How is there going to be a 'this time'? I don't know his number, or where he lives, or anything."
"Well, you know where he works. I guess they probably don't give his number out, but you could always go back there and wait for him to show up…"
"Is that stalker territory?"
"Going to a bar because you're hot for the bartender? Pretty standard behavior, I'd say. Don't go grabbing at him or anything. And you might want to take a wingman." Chris grins. "Even if it doesn't help you out, it'll be entertaining to watch you stumble around…"
They're in town now, and Justin points to the turn they need to take. Talking to Chris is always a mixed blessing—the advice is generally good, but Justin almost always walks away feeling like an idiot. But it's good to have the start of a plan, at least. He can go to the bar. He wonders if Dan works any nights but Saturday. That'd been the only time he mentioned, and he'd been picking up a horse the other day when they'd run into each other, so he's still working with horses sometimes, at least.
They're almost at the bar now, stopped at a light, and Justin stares out the window. They're outside a cafe that has a patio, and there are people eating brunch, and they all seem happy, relaxed. Justin's eyes are distracted by a pair of broad shoulders in a grey T-shirt walking by, a canvas duffle slung over one side, and then the guy turns his head for a moment, and Justin sees his face.
"Holy shit!"
Chris jerks his head around at Justin's exclamation. "What?"
wanting to slide down in his seat to avoid detection and wanting to jump out and chase after Dan. He's not really ready, he doesn't have a plan… but this seems like fate, doesn't it?
Chris cranes his neck to get a better look. "The guy with the bag?" "No, asshole, the 70 year-old man beside him…"
"Don't get testy with me, son." The light changes, and Chris puts the
Sure enough, Dan has ducked inside a Laundromat. "Shit, okay, is
this
stalker territory? If I go try to talk to him while he's doing his laundry?"
"Dude, have you honestly never picked a guy up before? Stalking is about intimidation, and trying to make somebody afraid… are you trying to make him afraid? Do you have any reason to believe that he
will
be afraid, even if causing fear isn't your intention?"
"No. He's pissed off, maybe, but not afraid… this whole thing is making me crazy."
Chris grins. "Yeah, I noticed. It's fun." He pulls into a parking spot, but doesn't turn the engine off. "Okay, your car's close to here, right?" Justin nods, so Chris continues. "So, get your neurotic ass out of my vehicle. You don't want a wingman for the Laundromat, right? So you can decide on your own whether to be a man and go talk to him, or to be a shy little boy and just get in your car and go. But I gotta say, man… this angsty bullshit was fun for a one-hour car ride, but I am not listening to your moaning for a whole damn week. So if the only other time you know to find this guy is next Saturday night, then I
strongly
recommend the Laundromat approach."
Chris looks thoughtful. "I bet there's a pick-up line in there somewhere—something about how you didn't know you needed to do a wash, but you saw him and suddenly felt all dirty…." He shakes his head. "Well, that's not very good. But you've got about 45 seconds while you're
walking back there… maybe you could think of something."
Justin has a moment of indecision. Things seem to be happening too fast, and he's not ready. But he still wants Dan, and he's not going to let a little stage fright get in the way of fixing whatever went wrong the night before. "Right, okay." He pats his pockets to be sure that his wallet and keys are still with him, then reaches for the door handle. "Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah." He climbs out and then pokes his head back inside. "Thanks for the ride, man."
Chris nods. "Call me later, let me know how it turns out." And then Justin shuts the door and Chris pulls back out into traffic, and Justin is alone on the sidewalk. He takes a deep breath and starts walking. He's got the nervous feeling again, like before a big event; he likes the sensation when he's riding, he tells himself, so he should be able to adjust to it in his personal life. It makes him feel really alive, like all of his senses are on high alert—it's exhausting, but not unpleasant.
He pauses again outside the door to the Laundromat. He can see through the big window in front, and Dan is inside, stuffing clothes into washing machines. He's really jamming them in, getting them too tightly packed, and it's the first time Justin thinks he's seen Dan do something inefficiently. Dan seems angry, really, and Justin isn't sure whether the guy just really hates doing laundry or if something else is bothering him. He shakes his head away from that train of thought, and pulls the door open.
Dan doesn't even look up, and Justin walks closer and then just stands there, waiting. Trying not to stare at the way the muscles on Dan's forearms twist as he shoves at his clothes. Then Dan looks up and sees Justin, and Justin is able to add another genuine emotion to his catalogue of Dan faces. Surprised. This is what Dan looks like when he's surprised.
"Hi." Justin realizes that he really has no plan whatsoever. "I wasSometimes You Just Know | Kate Sherwood
just picking up my car, and I saw you, and…." Justin looks around. The Laundromat is deserted, although a few of the machines are running. But they have enough privacy for a conversation, at least. "I just wanted to apologize for… whatever went wrong last night. I, uh…." Justin gets the feeling that he may not have a lot more chances with Dan. Hell, he may already have run out. So he decides that he needs to put it on the line.
"I just wanted to say… I wanted to be sure you knew… this isn't like me. Not at all. I'm usually… I'm usually not a total loser, you know? I mean, I see guys I like, we hang out, we get together or not, it's… not a big deal. Usually." Justin pauses for a breath, and to try to collect himself. "So, this thing… I mean… Okay, straight up? I've been thinking about you for a year now. Wanting you. It's got me kind of insane, I think. Because, the thing is, I don't
just
want you… I like you, too. I feel like there's something there, something real, and I want to get to know you better." Dan still has his game face on, but he's listening, at least. Justin decides that he'll just keep going until somebody stops him. "I told you this last night, I know, and I thought you got it, but then… okay, maybe I screwed up, maybe we should have just fucked and it would have been great and we could have gone from there, I don't know…."
Justin takes a step closer, and Dan doesn't step away. "I just want to do this right. I don't want to act like it's just sex when I want it to be more, because I'm afraid that if we start off that way, we'll never get any further." Dan still isn't saying anything, and Justin begins to rethink his resolution to just keep talking. He feels like he's run out of things to say. "So, I don't know where to go from here, or if you're at all into this, or if I'm just making a fool of myself. Again." Justin thinks maybe Dan's eyes are changing a little, like maybe the mask is slipping, but Justin isn't sure if he likes the new expression. Dan looks scared.
Justin forces himself to take a step back. "Okay, so, obviously I'm not going to force anything on you, or…." He has no idea what else to say, no idea what Dan could be scared about. Or maybe he's misreading the expression entirely. "I guess this wasn't too cool. I mean, you probably just
woke up," and given the context, there's no way that thinking about that should make Justin's stomach churn with want, but he can't deny that it does. He tries to ignore it. "And you just came down to do some damn laundry, and then there's some psycho babbling at you about his feelings and shit, and…."
Finally, Dan interrupts. "What would you want to do?" Justin doesn't quite follow, so Dan elaborates. "I mean, if I was into this… the… the 'something real' thing… what does that mean?"
Justin tries to squash the hope before it makes him giddy, before it raises him up so high that the fall will hurt too much. "Uh, I don't really know, to be honest." He risks a grin, and the hope flares again when Dan smiles back, cautiously. "Maybe… brunch? I mean, it's not like I don't want sex. Sex is real, I think. I just…." He steps forward again. "I just want to know you. I want to have sex with
Dan
, not just with some anonymous hot guy. Is that… I don't know… is that okay?"
Dan's quiet for a minute, and then he looks back up, and Justin can see him fighting to control his emotions. "But what if you get to know me and you don't like me?" He laughs a little, but Justin can tell that there's no humor in it. "I mean… you
think
you like me now, but you don't really know me. So maybe once you do…." Dan lets his voice trail off.
"I can honestly say that never occurred to me." Justin smiles, but Dan doesn't respond, so Justin tries to address the question in more detail. "I guess that's a risk, just like there's a chance that you won't like me. But… what are we risking, really? I mean… what have we got now?"
Dan looks back at him, and Justin has a frustrating feeling like he's almost got this figured out, but there's still something dancing outside of his understanding. Dan looks down, and then back up, and his mask is gone, and Justin sees a lost little boy, wanting to believe that he's been found, but not able to accept it. "Now? I'm… okay… right now. If we start this, and it goes… if it goes where it always goes… I don't want to do that again. I…." Dan looks down, and Justin can barely hear his next words. "I
can
Sometimes You Just Know | Kate Sherwood do that again." And Dan has apparently made his mind
up, because he's stepping backwards, but Justin follows him. He reaches out and grabs Dan's hand, softly, barely even touching him, but it's enough to stop Dan in his tracks.
Justin moves his body closer, but he's careful not to crowd in. He's reminded again of working with a spooked horse, and that moment of tension when the horse could go either way, could start calming down or could explode into a full panic. Justin wants to be sure he doesn't give Dan any reason to explode.
"Okay…" he says, trying to make his voice soothing without being patronizing. "I don't know what that means, exactly. I don't know where it always goes. Maybe… maybe you're right, and we shouldn't even try. I guess you have to look after yourself, and, you know, it's not like I want to see you hurt." Justin is caught by that idea. "Jesus, I really don't want to see you hurt. And it would be even worse to think that I'd caused it…." He feels like he's walking on very dangerous ground. "Maybe… do you think we could just be friends? Like, get to know each other as friends, and then we can reassess down the line?"
Dan glances at him, then takes a step forward and turns a little. He's not touching Justin, but he's right in his space, and Justin can feel his breath, can sense every movement of his body, and the attraction is unbelievable, like every cell of Justin's body is magnetized and Dan is the opposite pole, and it's not just his arms that ache to reach out, it's every part of him… Oh.
Dan steps away and smiles ruefully. "I don't think 'just friends' is really on the table, do you?"
"Okay, but I could… I don't know, I can get over that… somehow. I mean, it shoudn't be your problem."
"Jesus, Justin, do you think it's just you?" Dan huffs out a little unbelieving sound. "You think I don't want you back just as much?"
Justin gives himself a moment to absorb that. "Okay. Okay, that's… that’s good to know. But then… okay, you say 'just friends' isn't an option,
