Kate: A Universal Truth (A Wish for Love Series Book 1) (21 page)

Kate lowered her eyes for a moment, uncertain whether he was angry.  It was hard to tell.  All the employees looked abashed, like chastised children.

“The truth is, yes.  This honor was for Miss Kate, milord,” George said.

Matthew looked from one lowered head to the other.  “I’m delighted.  Kate deserves the honor
.
You did very well indeed.  I’m very pleased.”

George let out a sigh of relief and smiles lit up the faces of the good people who had devotedly served the Marquis and his family for so many long years.

“Everyone can go back to work, George.  Kate and I will dine at eight thirty.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Kate stood rooted to the spot.  This was not how she had imagined her return to Bellewoodplain.  While it was his home, the last person she expected to see was Matthew Camedon.

“Shall we take a stroll in the gardens?”  Matthew did not wait for her reply but grasped her arm and began to walk in the direction of the lawns.  He said nothing and they marched in silence.  Kate spoke first.

“I intend to take my things, part from Bellewoodplain and go on to Oxford this evening.”

“To Oxford?”  His surprise was genuine. 

“You gave orders that I return there.”

“To Oxford?  I gave orders?”  He was stunned.  “I left instructions that you be brought home.  I meant Bellewoodplain, not Oxford.”

It was Kate’s turn to be flabbergasted.  “To Bellewoodplain?”

“Where else?  You must be mad to think I would let you step out of my life in this way.”

Her anger mounted. “You go down to London without a word, you don’t invite me to go along and you speak to me as though I were a stranger,” she stormed. “And then you tell Lindsay how little I mean to you and how you’ve been planning for the longest time to get rid of me and then after he died, with all that I went through, you completely ignore me.  What did you expect me to think?"  She lost control of her words.  All the pain, the bitterness and the uncertainly burst forth like a volcano.  “Perhaps it was stupid of me to run to you on the runway.  I didn’t know you were protected against bullets and the only thought that entered my head was that I must save you.  Defend you with my body.  I’m sorry for the aggravation I caused but I don’t intend to apologize for my love for you, Matthew.  I’ll be damned if I do.  If you have the slightest feelings of respect for me, leave me alone and let me go.”

Matthew seemed about to say something but thought better of it.  She was beautiful. Beautiful and so blind.  Anything he said now would be misconstrued.  He could see her distress and his heart went out to her.  He would explain everything, but not now. Now she needed only one thing; his complete and unconditional love.

“I’ll let you go.”

She looked at him blankly.

“But not before you dine with me tonight.”

“I’m not staying here for one more minute.”

Before she understood what was happening she was in his arms.  Her heart stopped, her throat choked.  Everything melted away.  Only the touch of his lips on hers was real and enduring.  How she had yearned for his touch, his body, to sink into it.  His arms were enveloping, protecting her from all evil.  His kiss was insistent and demanding.  What madness!  She would never be free of him.  She could never leave him.  She was a prisoner of her love.  Nothing existed except the desperate need to be with him and to love him.  His hands dug into her hair, his fingers outlined the curve of her cheeks, his tongue kindled her burning passion, reminding her of the heights of ecstasy he had brought her to.

He lifted his head.  “Dine with me.  I insist.”  This was his seductive, bewitching voice, weighted with wild passion and Kate felt helpless.  How could she refuse?

“No.  I want to return to Oxford.”  Even to her ears her voice sounded hesitant and unconvincing.

“If you’re of the same mind after dinner I’ll take you there myself.”

They looked at each other.  Kate’s eyes still shone from repressed desire, her long hair was tousled and her lips swollen.

“I’ll stay for dinner.”

“Thank God,” he said and added mischievously, “Do you remember the time I invited you for dinner in London?”

Kate couldn’t repress a grin.  “Yes. I think we’re beginning to repeat ourselves.”

“You refused my invitation then too.”

“And then, as now, you convinced me to do exactly as you wanted.”

“And I had the impression that everything you did was of your own free will.”

She laughed and pushed him away playfully, forgetting for a minute the pain.  Matthew refused to be so far from her.  He pulled her back into his arms.

“I swear that I’ll fix everything.  After tonight there will be no secrets between us.”

Kate smiled sorrowfully.  “It’s hard for me to believe that.  You are so introverted.  You’re not ready to share your life with me, except for the physical pleasure we give each other.  Unfortunately, I realized that too late.  I’m sorry but I seem to want more than you can give.” 

He did not answer the accusation. “Come, let’s go into the house.  You’re still not completely well.  You must rest before dinner and I have some matters to attend to.”

Kate sat up on the wide bed.  It was a quarter to eight.  Matthew expected her in half an hour.  She clambered out of bed and
hesitated. Somebody had entered the room while she slept.  Three boxes
wrapped in green and orange, were stacked on the armchair in order of size - large, medium and small.  She took the envelope lying on top and removed the note.  The elegant paper had the Camedon crest.  She read the note, written in flowing ink-

And the sunlight clasps the earth,

And the moonbeams kiss the sea;

What are all these kissings worth,

If thou kiss not me?

She opened the largest box and took out the most exquisitely designed evening dress she had ever seen.  She held it up to her body, the soft material falling to her ankles, the glimmer of a sheen with
every movement.  The middle box contained a pair of shoes and when Kate measured them she felt like Cinderella.  They were a perfect fit.  But only when she opened the smallest box did she understand the enormity of the gift.  A diamond necklace nestled on a dark velvet pad.  The precious stones were woven in the perfect design of a master artisan. Her inexpert eye could barely take in its incredible beauty and Kate felt she could scarcely breathe, seeing the jewelry through a haze.  This must be the compensation the Dowager had mentioned.  How could she accept such an expensive gift?  While ignorant of the price of the jewels, she had no doubt the necklace was worth a small fortune.

She came to a quick decision.  She would wear the dress and the jewelry tonight and leave them behind when she left.  Her pride would not allow her to trade the love she so desired for material things, no matter how dazzling and expensive they might be.  After bathing and drying her hair and brushing her tresses into a silken sheen, she put on the dress and shoes and approached the mirror.  She could not believe it was her reflection.  The dress clung to her breasts, her stomach and her long thighs - sensuous, stunning and provocative.  But she had no intention of being modest now.  This was her last night with Matthew and she wanted him to remember her at her best.

“You look gorgeous,” she whispered to the image in the mirror.  She never dreamed she could look this way.  She regretted the bandage that covered the wound at the back of her shoulder, which prevented her appearance from being perfect.  With shaking hands she put on the necklace, cool to the touch on her skin.

When she reached the corridor leading to the southern drawing room she took a deep breath.

He looked up as she entered.  “My love.”

Kate advanced to the center of the room, where Matthew stood dressed in formal evening clothes. “We must talk,” she said quickly, as he continued to stare at her. “Tell me everything,” she begged.  "I won’t betray your trust.”

“I want to,” he said.  “I want to open up to you, but I’m not exactly sure where I should start.”

“First tell me about Rebbeca.” She sat down. “What happened that night?”

Matthew sat by her side, turning his head to face her.  “Most of it you know.”  His jaws were tightly clenched.  “What nobody knows is that as a result of Lindsay’s brutal rape Rebecca became pregnant.”

Now Kate understood why he could not be frank with her.  It was not his secret.  It was Rebecca’s.

“I had to be strong. I couldn’t allow the outrage to overwhelm me.  I had to continue to run my business and take care of Bellewoodplain as well as Rebecca.  She had an abortion. For months she wept or stared into space and during all that time, every hour and every minute of the day, I spoke to her.  I refused to let her go under, I forced her to stretch out to life and touch it.  Slowly her condition improved.  In the ensuing years the trauma receded.  At one point she realized she needed professional help and agreed to meet with a psychologist who helped her understand that what had happened was not her fault.”

“Fault?” Kate cried, “Why should she feel responsible?”

“It appears that Rebecca felt affection for Lindsay.  He would spend his vacations at Bellewoodplain and they would meet in the garden, take long walks and talk.  The trauma was so great that she convinced herself that the fact that she had shown him tenderness made her his accomplice, in some way made her as corrupt as he.”

“She was only a child.”

“Rebecca was always the light of my life.  My parents died when I was very young. My grandfather was always busy with business and my grandmother was never the motherly type so all the love I had was directed toward Rebecca.  When she suffered I suffered, when she burst into tears I cried silently and when she was despondent I was at her side.  The difference between us was that she was weak and stunned and I, despite the pain, had to be hard as steel.  I was brought up to be a man, never to show weakness and never to display emotion.  I stayed awake for nights on end telling myself over and over, ‘you must be strong; you can’t break now’.”

Kate touched Matthew’s hand, trying to convey some comfort.

“Only in the past two or three years has she found her equilibrium. A year ago she asked to study architecture and I agreed. At the university she met people from all over the world, had a lively social life and her self-confidence grew tremendously.” He got up and went to stand near the piano.

“When I got word that I had to give evidence at Lindsay’s trial I debated with myself whether to tell you.  At the end I decided against it.  I felt lonely, distant. I wanted to go through this alone.  You had no part in it.  You have every right in the world to be angry at me and I’m sorry I couldn’t find the words to explain what I felt, but that must have marked the beginning of my deterioration.  I knew you would be hurt, that you would think I had tired of you and wanted to keep you at bay but I simply did not have the will to open myself up to you.  Everything connected with Lindsay and Rebecca was so personal and horrific
that I was incapable of confiding even in you.”

“I’m not angry at you.  I’m angry at myself because I didn’t put my trust in you. I was selfish and thought only of myself and my feelings and didn’t stop even for a minute to think that perhaps you needed help."

  “When Lindsay got to you, for the first time in my life I knew what fear was. The nightmare was repeating itself but with double and triple the impact.  There was nothing he was incapable of - rape, murder, indignities, torture, everything. I had to do something to keep him from harming you as he had Rebecca.  I had to stay calm, logical and strong so I cut myself off from any emotion I felt for you.”

A wave of happiness washed over her.

“It was the only way to save you.  The smallest mistake, the slightest miscalculation, the wrong gamble, and all would be lost.  If Lindsay had heard the slightest emotion in my voice, the faintest tremor, you would have been dispatched to the next world.”

“Why didn’t you stay by my side at the hospital?”  She knew her question pained him but she had to know.  He bent his head again, the chandeliers highlighting the golden streaks in his hair.

“I broke. Even now I can’t describe my feelings when I saw you race toward me on the runway.  It was the fatal flaw in the plan.  It never occurred to me that you loved me so much you would sacrifice your life for me.  That was a possibility I never even contemplated.  When the bullet hit and you fell into my arms I felt I could not bear the pain any more.  I had reached the end of my tether.  The ambulance came and evacuated you to the hospital.  I acted like a robot, a mechanical man.  I lost all sense of time and place, of the people around me and of what they were saying.  As long as you were unconscious and under the influence of the drugs I refused to leave your bedside.  I couldn’t leave before I was assured there was no danger to your life and that you would recover. Luckily for me, everyone’s attention was focused on you and nobody noticed my distress.  When the nurse announced that you were waking up and you would soon be well on the way to recovery everything within me shattered.  With great effort I told Emma that I must leave.  I got into the car and asked Mr. Rawlins to drive me to London.  I shut myself up in the apartment and refused to see anyone for three weeks.  I disconnected the phone and polished off bottles of whiskey.  I slept so much that I lost track of day and night.  I dreamt on and off of you and Rebecca and each day was another hell. Again and again I envisioned scenes, saw sights and chased shadows.  Over and over I heard cries and screams that tormented my soul.  Can you understand?  To get well, to return to my old self I had to relive the nightmare. Not as the impervious man of iron I had forced myself to be, but as a man who was deathly afraid of losing the only people he had loved. As one whom a single tear of yours could cause his heart to shrivel, as one very much aware he could make mistakes and undergo suffering and anguish.  Only after I had come to that self-awareness could I pick up the threads of my life.” He looked at Kate. “Don’t cry, my love, it’s all over.  I began to heal.  When John showed up a week ago I still refused to face reality.  I needed a little more time.  But when my grandmother burst into my apartment yesterday, exploding like a volcano spitting fire, I already felt ready for battle.”