Kaleidoscope (26 page)

Ragged and bleeding, more of me was stripped away.

Then Elsbeth moved into Jacob, rounded him with her arms and gave him a hug.

At that, standing there, seeing, breathing, feeling, still there was nothing left of me.

I could take no more.

I got in my truck, not looking, not doing anything but concentrating on getting the fuck out of there. I turned the ignition on Persephone, guided her into traffic, kept my eyes from Fortnum’s and drove right past.

Luckily, just blocks down Broadway, there was an interchange to I-25.

I took it and headed home.

Harvey was going to worry.

I’d explain it to him later.

*    *    *

Three hours later…

I zipped up the bag on Jacob’s bed that held all my stuff.

I swallowed.

I looked down at Buford.

His tail wagged.

The vision of him started swimming.

I blinked and moved to grab my bag.

I stopped when I saw the kaleidoscope on Jacob’s nightstand.

I was wrong earlier. There was something left to me.

I knew this because seeing that kaleidoscope sliced away the final part of me.

I went to it, picked it up, held it carefully, studied it.

It really was a thing of beauty.

Suddenly, my hand fisted around it and I whirled, my arm flying out.

Buford got up to his feet and backed away.

But my grip refused to let it go. So when my motions were done, I was cradling it to my chest.

“Why?” I asked Buford.

Buford stared up at me, tongue lolling.

“Why was he with her? He said he hated her. He said he never wanted to see her again.”

Buford said nothing.

I shook my head, lifted the kaleidoscope and put it to my eye.

I turned the dials.

I didn’t see beauty. What I saw just made me dizzy.

I put it on the nightstand, grabbed my bag, bent to Buford and gave him ear scratches.

“I’ll miss you, puppy,” I whispered.

He turned his head and licked my wrist.

I walked out of Jacob’s house, so in a state, I totally forgot to engage the alarm.

I also ignored it when I heard Buford start barking. He didn’t bark much so if I wasn’t in such a state, I would have paid attention.

I didn’t.

I had other things on my mind.

But before I drove away, I went next door and asked the woman there if she’d see to Buford.

With a curious look at me, she agreed.

*    *    *

“Shut it,” Dane said to the damned dog, kicked him back and shut the door to the bedroom, keeping the dog out.

Dane had been following Emme and when she arrived at this place, he’d slipped into the big, fancy-assed house behind her.

And he’d watched.

And he fucking hated what he saw.

His eyes moved to the kaleidoscope, then he walked there.

He picked it up but all he could see was Emme holding that fucking thing to her chest like it was her baby.

And that thing was
Deck’s.
It was in
Deck’s house.
And it was something that meant something to that guy, with his big house and heated pool who thought his dick was big enough he could stand outside the courtroom and stare
Dane
down like Dane was scared of his ass. Like Dane wouldn’t give a shit that
Deck
had moved in on his woman practically the minute they met on the street.

And he’d met Emme on the street when Dane was right fucking there.

Right
fucking
there.

That kaleidoscope was something that meant something to Emme too. It meant something to Emme
and
that fucking guy. Enough for her to cradle it. Enough for him to keep it on his nightstand.

So fuck him.

And fuck Emme.

Dane kept hold of the kaleidoscope and grabbed the box that obviously came with it and he moved to the window. He removed the screen, stole out, closed the window and put the screen back. He couldn’t lock it in place from outside but he didn’t give a fuck. If it fell out, it fell out.

Standing outside that fucking guy’s fancy-assed house in the cold, Dane made his decision of what he was going to do with that fucking kaleidoscope.

Then he did it.

*    *    *

Two hours later…

My phone rang.

Again.

I ignored it and ripped off more paper.

It stopped ringing.

I held the steamer to the wall of the library.

“No,” I whispered, pulling the steamer away and ripping off more paper. “No,” I repeated, putting the steamer back to the wall.

My eyes went fuzzy.

My cheeks got wet.

“No,” I whimpered. “All I need is me. Just me. That’s all I need.”

I ripped off more paper.

*    *    *

The next morning…

I sat at my desk in my office at the yard.

My cell on the desk rang.

I ignored it.

That evening…

The first thing I noticed while driving up to my house was Jacob’s truck.

Strike that, it was Jacob leaning against the tail of his truck, arms crossed, ankles crossed, looking very angry.

He was home early.

To take my mind off that, the second thing I noticed was that Max and his crew had gotten a number of windows in.

Dad had given me my bonus. I’d given Max the go-ahead. He’d been working on my windows for a week. This was the start of week two.

At the front, there were now no boards on any windows as Max, per Jacob’s orders, saw to those first.

So now, outside of the fresh wood needing painting on the windows, my house looked like that. A house. A beautiful one.

Not a dilapidated wreck.

This should have made me happy.

It didn’t.

Because it was not lost on me that my bonus coincidentally coincided almost to the penny to Max’s bid.

I knew Jacob and Dad were conspiring.

I said nothing.

This was because, two weeks ago, I thought this was sweet. Sweet and protective and maybe even a little funny.

Now I absolutely did not.

I parked opposite the front door to Jacob’s truck and swung out of my Bronco. As I rounded the hood, I noticed Jacob had moved. He was now standing at the foot of my front steps.

I looked right in his eyes.

He didn’t look away and he didn’t hesitate.

“Donna called. Said not to worry. She’d look after Buford.”

“Good she handled that,” I replied, walking right by him to my front door.

I inserted the key then exerted some effort to push it open and I walked in.

Unsurprisingly, Jacob followed me.

I heard the door close then I heard, “What the fuck, Emme?”

I turned, and standing on the magnificent starburst in what, by God even if it killed me, would one day be a magnificent, opulent front entry, I locked eyes with Jacob Decker and I didn’t hesitate either

“On a wild hair, Sunday, I went to Denver to do some shopping.”

This was a lie, of course, but I didn’t give a fuck. What I did with my time was no longer his business.

“You were in Denver and you didn’t call me?” he asked.

I found this a strange question for two reasons. One, I hadn’t even thought of calling him, even to ask if he had enough time to grab some lunch together. Two, that he’d suggest he wanted to see me when he was seeing Elsbeth.

I decided it was best to ignore this and carry on as if he hadn’t said a word.

“And I popped by Fortnum’s to get a cup of coffee,” I shared, and watched with grim fascination as his entire body jerked and his face flinched. “Yeah, honey,” I whispered. “You and Elsbeth looked good together. Then again, you always did.”

“Emme—”

Oh no. I was not going to listen to his shit.

“Save it,” I snapped. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t fucking care.”

“There’s an explanation.”

I threw out a hand and replied, “I bet.” Then I pulled my purse from my arm, walked to the table I had in the entry and dumped it while finishing, “I just don’t give a shit what it is.”

“It isn’t what you think,” he told me.

I turned to him. “What I think is you told me you hated her. You told me you never wanted to see her again. And yet, there you were, giving her a grin and a hug.”

“She ran into Erika,” he stated.

“Whoop-di-do,” I shot back. “That shit happens. Denver is a big city but it’s still a small town. That happens all the time. Hell, when I lived there, I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing someone I knew. Though, I must admit, I do find it odd that Elsbeth had the itch to share with you over coffee that she ran into Erika. What’s odder is that you’d meet her so she could share that with you.”

He ignored that and informed me, “Erika told her about you and me.”

“This isn’t a surprise,” I returned instantly. “I haven’t had a long girlie chat with Erika recently, what with spending the last couple of months getting fucked over by you. Oh! And the months before that getting fucked over by Dane,” I added, and his face got hard but I did not fucking care. “But she has called, and silly me, I was happy so I shared we’d hooked up. She was happy for me. She never really got on with Elsbeth so I bet she was double happy sharing it with her.”

Jacob again ignored all I said and kept on with his story.

“When I got to town, babe, Elsbeth gave me a call outta the blue and asked to meet. Just a coincidence I was in Denver.”

“Clearly, you jumped right on that.”

His voice suddenly went low. “Baby, please, hear me out.”

“Why?” I hissed.

“Because this is not what you fuckin’ think and I need to straighten it out.”

“You know,” I started chattily, “part of me wants to hear you out just to see what bullshit you’ve got to say. The other part of me does not give one shit and would rather not waste another second on you.”

“Fuck, Emme,” he growled.

Something snapped, I lost it, leaned into him and yelled, “You met with
Elsbeth
! You smiled at her! You held her! Both of those aren’t hers, Jacob. Both of those are
mine
!”

“I didn’t hold her,” he returned.

“I saw her hug you,” I retorted.

“Yeah, she hugged me, babe, but I didn’t hug her back.”

My head jerked because that might be true. I saw Elsbeth go in for the hug but I never saw Jacob put his arms around her. I’d looked away the minute she touched him.

“She’s happy we’re together,” he declared.

I snapped my mouth shut and my torso swung back.

“Yeah. Shocked the shit outta me too,” he continued. “She said it on the phone when she called me. I reckoned she said it so I wouldn’t hang up on her ass. She kept talkin’, I was sure she was playin’ me. But I couldn’t shake that she sounded like she used to sound. Like she used to be.”

“So you thought, Elsbeth swinging back, now you’re rich and successful and she’d probably not blink at the opportunity to push out an entire Decker football team for you, you’d check out the lay of the land,” I guessed acidly.

“Fuck no,” he clipped, beginning to sound angry. “I only met with her because she told me she wanted to patch things up with you. And I reckoned if I didn’t meet with her, she’d go straight to you and I wanted to say face-to-face I was not down with that.”

Again, I clamped my mouth shut.

“She misses you, Emme,” he told me.

“Right,” I said sarcastically. “Suddenly, after nine years, I’m with her ex, she misses me and contacts
her ex
to talk about patching things up.”

“She didn’t think you’d be receptive.”

“She was right. The weird thing is, after what you told me happened last summer, she should have thought
you
would be
less
receptive.”

“Emmanuelle, you close down, nothin’ gettin’ in unless it shoves its way in and you know that’s no lie. But, just sayin’, she had a few things she had to say to me too.”

The first part he said was indeed no lie so I had no response. The second part I didn’t want to know. So I said nothing.

Jacob did.

“Babe, you two were tight.”

“We’re not anymore.”

“Emme,
fuck
.”

He took a step to me but stopped when I took a step back.

Then he kept talking.

“She said she always knew it would happen between us. She said she even knew it was happening back then. We both know this. She’s now admitted it. She’s divorcing her husband. She’s not happy but she’s not with another guy and not looking to hook up. She’s trying to figure out where she went wrong and get her life back on track. But she’s doin’ that without a guy. And one of the places where she went wrong was settin’ up a life where she got what she wanted but not what she needed and lost a whole load of shit in the process. And yeah, part of that was me. But the part she’s concerned about is you.”

“Do you honestly think I’ll believe this crap?” I asked.

“Yeah, I honestly do because it’s the truth.”

“So, breaking this down,” I began, crossing my arms on my chest. “You got a call from your ex, my ex–best friend, about her burning desire to mend fences. You didn’t tell me about it, thought it was a good idea to have a heartfelt, soul-exposing chat over coffee and fill me in later. Do I have that right?”

“If I said she called. If I told you what she wanted. If I said I thought it might be good you explore that, what you lost with her, what might be good to have back. Or if that wasn’t the way it swung, still give you the opportunity to put a line under it and move on, for you, for her, for me. If I suggested that maybe it might be a good idea to talk with her and think about why you scraped her off in the first place. If I gave you all that, Emme, what would you do?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “And now I never will since I wasn’t given that shot.”

“Emme, you got shit you’re workin’ out which is big shit you need to concentrate on and I need to keep you on that path. I also need to make certain nothing veers you off that path and I
definitely
need to be certain to protect you from something that’ll
shove
you off it. Say me havin’ a meet with my ex.”

My head cocked with confusion and I asked, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Then he said something totally bizarre.

“I won’t lie there and think how fucked-up shitty it is to be so goddamned alone and so fucking lonely. Scared I’ll die, no one will care. No man. No kids.”

My brows shot together because he was making no sense whatsoever.

“Jacob, what the fuck?” I mostly repeated.

“That’s what you said to me.”

“What?”

“When you lost it when you thought I was playing you.”

I probably said that, just like that. Jacob remembered everything.

I still didn’t get it.

“So?” I asked.

“No man,” he stated then finished with emphasis.
“No kids.”

Hearing his words,
my words
, my entire body locked.

Jacob kept going.

“You said that. You said straight up you thought about kids. You said it, giving me indication, since you were opening yourself up to finding a man, that man bein’ me, you also want kids. Then, you take hold of Chace and Faye’s son and the world melts. It’s just you and him. You were so into little Jake, there was nothin’ else but you and him. Weeks later, we’re there, we’re in love, we’re movin’ down that path, I ask you how many kids you want, suddenly you don’t want any. Suddenly, you’ve never thought about kids. Suddenly, that’s
not you
.”

“I—”

“Disconnecting. Again.”

“Jacob—”

He interrupted me again. “See, babe, for some reason I cannot get a lock on, you’re clueless. One minute, you’re sweet, so fuckin’ sweet, swear to Christ, Emme, don’t know what I did in my life to deserve that kind of sweet. Perfect for me, top to toe, brain and body, free and easy givin’ me not just everything I want but everything I
need
.”

I sucked in a sharp breath as his words hit me hard in my sternum.

Jacob must not have noticed my reaction because he kept speaking.

“The next minute, you’re sharin’ your past with me, workin’ it out in your head, tellin’ me how you understand that guy who snatched you scarred you. Then the next minute, back to clueless, and out of the blue you’re slippin’ away. You don’t see it happen, feel it happen, even know you’re doin’ it. But
I
feel it. I don’t get how you don’t get it when you fuckin’ told me you got it. And last, I don’t know how to fix it, and when it happens, it kills. So I gotta be on the lookout for everything,” he leaned in, “every-fucking-thing you could use to tear yourself away from me. So yeah, Elsbeth called, she seemed to be pulling her shit together, I took the meet and I didn’t tell you about it precisely because of this. Because you’d use it to tear yourself away from me.”

Again, I had no response. This time because everything he said was right and I was freaked because I didn’t know why I was so clueless, how I didn’t get it and I also didn’t know how to fix it.

Jacob didn’t seem to mind I had no response. He kept sharing.

“And by the way, Emme, she also wanted to apologize about pulling that shit on me last summer. And that was genuine too, so it was another reason I took the meet. It obviously seems fucked to you, since you’re in your head and can’t pull yourself out, but I’m glad I did. Months I spent wonderin’ what the fuck was wrong with me I fell and did it deep for a total fuckin’ cunt. It was good to know she wasn’t. It was good to know she was messed up and doin’ stupid shit at the same time tryin’ to sort herself out. It was good to know I fell in love with a decent woman who made stupid choices.”

That all made sense too, which sucked.

But he wasn’t done. He’d saved the best for last.

“And it might make me a dick but it was good to be drinkin’ coffee with a woman fucked up because she fucked me over knowin’ in the end it worked out for me. Because I was not with a woman who was not right for me. I was with the woman who was made for me.”

“I’m glad you got that, Jacob,” I replied, and I kind of was.

But I was also more than kind of reeling, scared, freaked and still angry. Since I couldn’t deal with the scared and freaked, I held onto the angry.

Thus I continued, “But it doesn’t erase the fact that you purposefully didn’t tell me.”

“And I explained the reasons.”

“Was it so important to you that you’d risk this,” I threw a hand out, “just to know you didn’t make a jacked choice that affected you for a decade?”

“Jesus, Emme,
yeah
,” he clipped then went on, “But actually, I didn’t expect you to be in Denver. So I didn’t expect you to know at all until I told you.”

“You have a habit of telling me stuff after the fact,” I pointed out, and he lifted a hand and raked it through his hair.

“Christ, Emmanuelle, the last time that shit happened I was workin’ a confidential case.”

“Okay, how about my windows, Jacob?” I shot back. “Were you ever going to tell me you and Dad were in cahoots to get me something you both wanted me to have but I wanted to get my own damned self so you both played me?”