Kaleidoscope (21 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

In between sobs that racked my entire body, I was able to explain to Austin the memory I'd just experienced. As I did so, things began making sense to me in a completely different way—the loose ends within my mind appeared to finally want to string themselves back together. He comforted me as best as he could, which was both relieving and humiliating all at once.
Of all the times to figure things out...way to ruin the moment.

I buried my head into Austin's chest as I relieved the experience again. I knew now that, despite my desperate desire to know the truth, acknowledging the events of my past was almost as difficult as it was not remembering them at all.

When Mom told me about our trip to the thrift store, she  recalled how sad I'd been, and I'd automatically told her I took the day off from school due to menstrual cramps. The response was so automatic that, even though I hadn't really remembered yet what Mom was telling me, I had given the answer unprompted. I knew now it was because this was a very well-rehearsed lie.

What really happened was that I'd been raped. It hadn't been for the first time, or even the second time. I was already beginning the process of becoming the shell of myself I now lived with on a daily basis—my new norm. I had started to shut down, and I was so sad that day because I'd begun the process of giving up. The initial fight in me had all but disappeared. Things felt completely out of my control, so there no longer seemed to be a point to any of it.

I remembered then how angry I was in the beginning, when Eric first began living with us and when things began to happen. At first I had fought him.

***

“I wouldn't do that if I were you,” Eric said through a grimace. I had kicked out at him with my leg as he pinned me to the wall in the kitchen by my shoulders, and I caught him square in the groin. From every movie I'd seen, he should have dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes, and I could run away safely, calling the cops and saving Mom from even one more day of dealing with this scumbag. But he didn't drop to the ground. Instead, he continued to stare at me with eyes darker than the pits of Hell.

“You must have been kicked there too many times already, you disgusting pervert,” I spat at him. He pulled me forward and slammed me back into the wall. It hurt, but I wasn't about to let him know that. Instead, I stared at him in defiance as his face came within inches of mine. The smell of tobacco lingered fresh on his lips from his last cigarette, and it took everything in me not to gag as I turned my head away.

Eric leaned his face in towards my neck. “Mmm, I don't know about pervert,” he purred into my ear. His cracked voice made it sound more like steel grating on steel. “I'd say I have pretty good taste. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?”

He was talking about Mom. His rough hands moved down from my shoulders to my breasts, and the thought that he would dare to touch her in the same way filled me with contemptuous rage. My insides turned to boiling lava. I tried to shove him away, but he was much larger and stronger than me, even before the lust had settled into his coal-black eyes.

“I'll tell Mom everything,” I threatened. It was a threat I meant to follow through on. “You don't deserve her.”

His slimy tongue jutted out from between yellowed teeth that were too large for his already somewhat wide mouth and slithered across my neck.

“I wouldn't do that if I were in your shoes,” he mumbled, his mouth still close to my ear as his hands began moving down my body. They were aiming to crawl beneath my shirt. “I know a lot of powerful people, little girl. Your mother is a beautiful, kind woman...I really don't want anything to happen to her.”

Terror gripped my heart in solid ice. Did he really know someone who could hurt my mother—and would he really ever go through with something like that?

The heat left my face as I decided I didn't want to risk finding out. It was one thing for Eric to touch me, to hurt me...but my mother—she was the only family I had.

“And she'd be so hurt,” he continued, his voice rising and dripping with mock sadness as his cold fingers trailed up my stomach, “to know about our little secret. What would she think of you? Her own daughter, getting heavy under the sheets with
her
boyfriend! It would be a shame, really.”

The heat returned to my face, and I tried to squirm away under his touch. His fingers flicked beneath the bottom of my shirt and began traveling upwards. “You're even stupider than I thought if you think she'd ever believe you.” My words shot at him like dart, dripping with venom.

“That's what I like about you, girl...you're so full of fire.” Eric played his fingers along the underwire of my bra, then squeezed my ribcage on either side sharply. I inhaled, sucking in the pain, and looked away from him.

“No one, not even your beautiful mother, would take your word over mine. I'm a gentleman. A gentleman with a job and a lot of friends, and I'm the proud owner of the heart of one Allison Lauderdale.”

“You don't own shit,” I mumbled to him.

“And you,” he continued, ignoring me and forcing his fingers underneath my bra to cup my breasts in his hand. He pushed into me, and I felt an uncomfortable pressure on my pelvic bone. As I realized what it was, I was no longer just uncomfortable—I was afraid. Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes.

“You're the slut who sleeps with Mommy's boyfriend. That's all you'll ever be anyway...a stupid little slut with too much lip and too many clothes on.”

***

I cringed as the memories infiltrated the wall of safety that I'd built around my brain. I couldn't remember exactly what happened next, but I was pretty sure I knew how it ended. I felt defeated then, and I felt defeated thinking about it now. I'd fought back against his advances for a long time, but Eric had made it clear, as he became more violent—especially when he'd been drinking in the evenings—that it would be in my best interest to shut up and keep his atrocities to myself. It was much easier to let it tear me apart from the inside out until there was nothing left of him or the experience...not even a memory.

It wasn't just easier for me; it was for Mom, too.

“After a while, I started to believe what he told me,” I heard myself explaining through heavy gasps.
How long had I been talking?
“I didn't think anyone would believe me, and I thought people might say I had brought it on myself. It would have torn Mom apart...I...”

Once again I was overcome by powerful sobs, and I became aware of how tightly Austin gripped me against his body. It almost hurt, but I was afraid to tell him because I didn't want him to stop.

When I finally pulled myself together, I glanced at Austin through tear-stained eyes. He seemed to be at a loss for words.

“I think it would still tear her apart. I don't know what to do.”

Austin's face resonated with such sadness that I felt sure I'd soon see tears in his own eyes. They glistened like orbs of green crystal, gripped with sorrow in the most depressing way. He sighed, giving a long pause before he was able to find words for me again.

“You
have
to talk to your mom about this. You know you have to.”

The butterflies in my stomach turned to ants—fire ants, marching in my belly and making me sick.

“I...I know,” I replied. “But I'm scared.”

“I know,” Austin whispered. His lips grazed my forehead in an affectionate kiss. “What about your therapist? Can...is this the kind of thing she helps with? Is that a thing?”

I chuckled bitterly. I had almost completely forgotten about what happened yesterday. “Well...I told you I kind of blew up at her. I don't really know if that's an option.”

I kicked myself for ending my last conversation with Ms. Orowitz on such a bitter note. As irritating as she was, I had to admit that if I had someone to help mediate this confrontation with my mother, it would make things so much easier. I doubted Mom knew anything about what had happened all those years ago, and to what extent. The guilt would crush her in a way that might cripple her.

How can I bring myself to do that to her?

In a moment of clarity, I was completely present as I analyzed my situation. I looked at Austin as though I had just realized how awkward he must feel in such a situation. Embarrassment colored my cheeks, and I sat up straight.

              “Austin, I'm so, so sorry to bring you into all of this,” I stammered hastily. “This is the first time I come to your house, and then this happens--”

“Jade...”

“And we haven't even known each other that long. You must think I'm a complete nutcase.” I turned my head in shame as a new wave of tears edged into my eyes.
Where did all these emotions come from?
A sudden urge to bolt from the room consumed me—I didn't want to risk hurting anyone anymore.

“Jade. You look like a frightened deer.” Austin's reassuring hand on my shoulder brought me back towards him, holding me in place. He scooted gently towards me so he could look at me and lowered his voice.

“You should never, ever apologize for something like that. This isn't your fault at all...how could you think that?”

“I'm sorry,” I mumbled.

“I'm serious.” Austin's tone became almost scolding. Then he relented, looking defeated. “I'm the one who should be sorry...for some reason, I feel really responsible for all of this. If I'm the reason that--”

“You aren't,” I interrupted. I knew what he must be thinking; the heat of the moment earlier was a likely trigger for this incident. “No one has ever been for me like this like you have. And for that, I can't possibly thank you enough.”

It may have been true that it would have taken much longer for me to recover this revolting piece of my past without Austin, but it was only a matter of time before things came back to me. If he hadn't been there, I didn't know how my fragile psyche might have reacted.

Austin's face softened into an appreciative smile. The sadness lifted from his face, and he looked much more like the vibrant person I had become so familiar with. I smiled faintly, and his smile broke into a grin.

I knew what needed to happen next. I straightened my back, feeling overcome with the strength of his ever-present optimism. Closing my eyes, I mustered every ounce of courage I had left and gently kissed Austin one more time.

Instead of being weakened by my understanding of my memory, I would be lifted by it. Eric had already ruined years of my life and given my mother untold heartache. He deserved much worse than he'd ever gotten, and he wasn't worthy of having a power of my life any more. Plus, if there was no room in my mind for anything but fear and hatred towards this man...how would it ever have room for something greater?
For love?

I lingered on his lips, not wanting to leave but knowing that it was something I had to do. The ever-present shadow of my doubts loomed in the distance, ready to swoop in at any moment to overtake my mind and carry me far away from this world.

I kept her at bay—I didn't want to disappear anymore. I wanted to be part of the universe, of this universe. I wanted to be a part of the universe where love existed, where I had a chance to finally belong.

“I have to go talk to my mom. I have to talk to Ms. Orowitz. I have to figure out how to do this, the right way. Not by disappearing and pretending none of this is real.”

“Do you need me to come with you?” Austin dangled his legs over the bed and leaned his elbows on his knees as I got up. I stroked his hair as I stepped away, admiring how soft it really was. It drove away some of the fear that paralyzed my limbs.

As much as I wanted to continue leaning on him for support, I shook my head. He'd done enough for me as it were, and even a knight in the most shining armor couldn't fight this battle for me.

“I think...I think I've got it this time,” I said. There was hesitation in my voice, but I did my best to be bold. I fetched my coat from the futon and pushed my arms through it, then stood in front of Austin between his knees. I grasped both of his hands in mine. They were warm and pulsing with the electricity that made me feel so alive with him. “And I promise you one hundred percent, I will NOT leave you behind. I'll call you as soon as I have a plan. Okay?”

Austin nodded...slowly at first, as if he was deciding if he should believe me. Then he nodded.

“Okay.”

I backed away, unwilling to relinquish my hands from his soothing grip. I turned towards the door, reaching towards it with one hand while the other clung lightly to Austin's fingertips, desperate to hold on as long as possible. Finally, they slipped away, and I headed out, closing his door behind me to solidify my decision to leave.

After finally climbing the stairs out of the basement and into the silent living room of his house, I held on to that feeling in my mind until the heat from his touch evaporated into the thin, cold air outside. I made my way slowly to the bus stop as terror gripped the back of my mind. But I knew that it was time to face this demon.

***