Justifiable Risk (19 page)

Greer threw the dishcloth into the sink and paced. It was ludicrous to invest in any woman, especially one who would soon be leaving New Hope. Eva Saldana was simply a woman in pain and Greer wanted to help her, nothing more. She took another drink of wine and climbed the stairs to the second floor.

When she walked by her old room on the way to the guest bedroom, she slowed. Something was out of sync. She turned toward the space she hadn’t entered in two years. Eva lay under the old cream duvet—in her bed—the bed she and Clare had shared for ten years.

Greer stood in the doorway of her old bedroom, unable to move because of the pain. A kaleidoscope of pictures flickered through her mind: Clare lying in that same position, her long strawberry blond hair fanned out across the pillow; Clare’s hand outstretched, summoning Greer to join her; Clare nude, rolling playfully from her; the two of them making love in the same bed that another woman now occupied.

The scent of Clare’s flowery perfume filled her nostrils and she inhaled it like a drug. The distinctive moans of pleasure Clare made as she climaxed filled her head. The taste of Clare in her mouth overpowered her and she licked her lips. As the memories washed through her, Greer swayed unsteadily and grabbed the door frame. Her pulse raced. Why hadn’t she told Eva to take the other bedroom? “Oh, God.”

Eva sat up and looked at her. “What’s wrong? You’re so pale.” When Greer didn’t answer, Eva’s gaze swept around the room and settled on her again. “This was yours and Clare’s room, wasn’t it?”

Greer could only nod.

“I chose the one that looked unused. I’m so sorry. I’ll go.”

Greer stood still. Sooner or later
someone
would sleep in this room. Clare would’ve liked Eva, so why couldn’t it be her? She needed a safe place and a friend to talk to. Greer steadied her breathing and her heartbeat leveled. “It’s okay. I was surprised. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this room, much less seen anybody else in it.” As she spoke, tears ran down her cheeks. She swiped at them and turned to leave.

“Please don’t go. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

Greer couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried. She hadn’t been able to at Clare’s funeral; her shock and guilt had coalesced into a rage so profound that it blocked all other emotions. And she hadn’t allowed herself to engage the grief long enough since then to purge it. Right now all she wanted was to cry. She walked slowly to the edge of the bed and sat down. “I miss her so much.”

Eva drew Greer down on top of the covers beside her and wrapped an arm around her. “Tell me about Clare.”

A small sob escaped her lips. “I’m not sure how—” Eva’s steady hand along her side and the soothing cadence of her voice calmed and soothed the turbulence inside.

“Take your time.”

After a few minutes, Greer said, “She was magnificent. Reddish blond hair, blue eyes, and the heart of an angel.” Emotion bubbled up and her voice cracked. “She loved me and—” Something ripped loose in her chest and she wailed. The sound was foreign and frightening as it came in waves accompanied by a continuous flood of tears.

“Let it go.” Eva stroked her back and whispered through her own tears, “We honor them with our memories.”

Greer nestled against the cover separating her from Eva and allowed herself to be comforted. She didn’t try to stop the tears or temper the ache that flowed from her. She thought about the love she and Clare had, the time they shared, and the bottomless pit of emptiness that now served as her heart. With each memory of their life together, Greer savored the intimacy and ached for the bond now missing. She’d floundered since Clare died, touching but not feeling, joining but not engaging, going through the motions of living but not experiencing life. “How do you—let them go—when it hurts so much?”

Eva whispered, “We
never
let go. We carry them in our hearts. The pain doesn’t end. It only becomes more bearable.” Her voice was tight with emotion as she stroked Greer’s back. “Eventually we’re able to talk about them, to share our memories with others who loved them, and to move forward a little at a time. But first we grieve.”

Greer heard the pain in Eva’s voice, her sorrow fresh and raw, as her tears soaked through the fabric between them. The death of her new friend and peer so soon after the loss of her brother was taking its toll. Eva Saldana had never tried to mask or suppress her emotional vulnerability. Greer both admired and wondered about her capacity to feel so freely and emote so easily. Here in Eva’s arms, for this moment, Greer wanted to release the restrictive bands around her heart and let the pain out.

“How do you grieve a loss so deep it threatens to break you?” Greer had asked herself and Bessie that question so many times it seemed a mantra. The essence of Clare was woven through her as intricately as the vital systems that supported her life. Was it possible to disengage without destroying?

“Cry. Let the feelings out. Don’t think about it. Don’t worry what happens next.” Eva rocked her gently. “Just cry.”

And she did. Eva held her, rocking and whispering reassurances, as they both wept. It seemed forever, yet no time at all until the tears slowed and eventually stopped. She felt relieved and instantly guilty. “I killed her, you know.” The words rushed from her lips before she could stop them.

“What?” Eva rolled Greer toward her and searched her face. “Why do you blame yourself?”

The question shook Greer. She’d borne that burden for two years but no one had ever asked about it directly. Nausea settled in her gut as she recalled the hopelessness of that day. “I put her in harm’s way—I can’t talk about this.”

“You don’t have to. Maybe I’m trying to understand what I’ve done. I got Tom involved in this case. I put his life in danger. I killed him as surely as if I pulled the trigger.”

Greer relented as the sadness and horror on Eva’s face transformed her lovely features into a mask of despair. Today’s events had obviously affected Eva more than she thought. Perhaps someone with fresh grief and guilt of her own could understand the depth of Greer’s loss. She clamped her fists together until her fingers turned white. Could she utter the words she’d directed at herself every day since Clare’s death?

“I—I put her in the line of fire.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I asked her to meet me at the station because I was running late. If I’d picked her up at the hospital like we’d planned, she wouldn’t have crossed Young’s path. She’d still be alive.” A bitter taste crawled up her throat and Greer thought she might vomit. “I killed her.”

Eva slid her hand up Greer’s chest. “Oh, darling, you didn’t kill Clare any more than I killed Tom. But the difference between knowing and feeling is huge, isn’t it? We both have to come to terms with that.” Eva hugged her again and some of the tension disappeared. “I’m so sorry about Clare, so very sorry.”

Greer had no idea how long they lay wrapped in each other’s arms, giving and receiving comfort. As the ache in her chest slowly subsided, she realized she’d been holding another woman for hours with no sexual intent. Their intimacy intoxicated her. Her interactions the past two years had lacked this kind of familiarity, which didn’t necessarily come from sex. It rose from a deeper place, from a union of more than the flesh—the joining of two souls at the point of greatest vulnerability. Suddenly she felt awkward and shifted toward the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay?” Eva asked.

“Yeah.” But Greer wasn’t sure.
Was
she all right with being used and discarded, as she and Eva had earlier agreed to do? Eva had opened a door that Greer planned to keep closed forever. Could she go back to one-night stands after this tiny taste of real intimacy?

Eva seemed to pick up on Greer’s mood. “Why don’t we change the subject?”

Greer relaxed as she pushed the disturbing thoughts aside. “Good idea. I’m sorry for this. I was supposed to be taking care of you tonight.”

“We sort of took care of each other.” Eva gave Greer more space on the bed, paused for several seconds, then asked, “Do you trust Jake Johnston?”

Greer resisted the intrusion and the return to reality. Before Eva came to town she would’ve answered that question with a quick, definitive yes. But she couldn’t easily dismiss her emotional connection with Eva, and, lately, she had begun to doubt JJ, which she truly detested. She didn’t want to believe that any cop, especially JJ, engaged in deceitful or unprofessional practices. Integrity and honor were basic to law enforcement. If you corrupted your values, you’d better find another profession. If she let these basic principles waver, she weakened her foundation.

“Yes, I trust JJ.” Her answer lacked conviction. “I owe him a lot.”

Eva paused, seeming to weigh her next comment. “I’ve heard how he helped you after Clare’s death. That kind of support deserves loyalty.”

“Without the sergeant and JJ, I probably wouldn’t be a cop now. You can’t get that close to someone and not trust him. JJ has faults, but he isn’t professionally dishonest.”

“Then I trust your instincts. I’m trying to figure out who’s behind all this. And JJ hasn’t supported you lately. He’s the only person I’ve met who’s been uncooperative, even openly hostile.”

Greer agreed with everything Eva said but didn’t want to take sides against her friend. “Something’s going on with JJ, and I need to find out what it is. He hasn’t been himself since the sergeant assigned me this review. I’ve been trying to talk to him, but he keeps avoiding me. After today, I’m afraid that just got worse.”

“Would you let me talk to Agent Long?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Besides, what could you say? You don’t know who shot Tom or the sergeant.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“Thanks, but it’ll take more than a vote of confidence to clear this up.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help, if you’ll let me.”

Eva shifted in bed and the sheet slipped below her breasts. Greer tried not to stare but was suddenly very aware that Eva was nude under the covers and she was still fully clothed on top of them. The intimate but platonic closeness they’d shared earlier now disappeared as Greer’s body ached. She averted her gaze but not before Eva noticed her discomfort.

“I’m sorry.” She pulled the covers over her exposed flesh. “So what happens now—with the case, I mean.”

Disappointment washed over Greer when Eva’s breasts disappeared from sight, followed by a twinge of guilt. She couldn’t have sex with Eva in this room, in this bed. She would be betraying Clare. If she ever started a new life with someone, they would have to begin somewhere they could make new memories. Besides, tonight wasn’t about sex. She and Eva had shared something deeper and more intimate. Uneasy, Greer turned and rose from the bed to put some distance between them.

“I’d like to go through Paul’s personal things that you picked up at the station. We might’ve missed something, and a second look could be helpful. But we have to keep this on the QT because the SBI is officially in charge of the case.”

“Oh, good, a secret operation. Let me know when. It’s all at the motel.”

“I better let you get some sleep.” Greer walked toward the door. “And, again, I’m sorry about earlier.”

Eva smiled and the tiny dimples formed on her cheeks. “No need to apologize. I’m glad you trusted me.”

“Good night, Eva. I’ll be downstairs until Bessie gets home if you need anything. And don’t worry about intruders. We have an excellent four-legged alarm system.” Eva’s olive-skinned body looked gorgeous against the pale bedding. Now seeing Eva in Clare’s bed didn’t make her so anxious. Surreal but not unpleasant.

*

Greer was sitting at the kitchen table staring into a cup of cold coffee when Bessie got home from work. “Where’s Eva?”

“Upstairs…in my room.” She didn’t need to look up to know Bessie was giving her an oh-really stare. “She needed to rest and I told her to go up. She chose that one.”

“Are you okay?” Bessie rubbed Greer’s shoulders with the loving strokes of a devoted parent. Her touch had always relaxed and calmed Greer even in the worst of times.

“It shocked me at first but I’m better.” She poured Bessie a cup of coffee and waited for her to sit. It had been a while since they had a late-night chat after work. Greer was usually out back in the apartment, having a swim, or working when Bessie came home. But something about this day and her conversations with Eva made Greer crave the connection she and Bessie used to share.

When Bessie settled in the chair across from her, Greer said, “I’ve missed you. It’s my fault we’ve grown apart.”

“Honey, we haven’t grown apart. You needed some space for a while.” Greer finally met Bessie’s gaze and tears burned her eyes. “Have you been crying?” The surprise in her voice mingled with concern.

“A little. Eva and I talked about what happened today…and about Clare. We were both emotionally exhausted.”

“Thank God. I’m so glad you finally shared some of that. You’ve bottled it up too long.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you, Bessie. You understood exactly what I was going through. I just couldn’t, especially after seeing how you suffered when you lost Ruth.”

“Don’t ever apologize for that, honey. You did the best you could. I have to confess, though. It seemed like I lost you and Clare at the same time. I’ve missed our talks, even our arguments.” Bessie’s eyes reflected the same pain and sadness that Greer had lived with the past two years.