Just Breathe Trilogy Box Set (115 page)

As I attempt to lift my heavy eyelids, I discover a hazy darkness surrounding me. Blinking slowly several times, my half-opened eyes won’t focus to give me any clear indication of what’s around me and where the blurry, flashing lights above are coming from. My body feels heavy. Still unable to open my eyes all the way, I perceive that I’m laying down somewhere. A cool dampness near my left cheek reveals itself as a slight gust of air brushes past my face. Sliding my right arm up the side of my body like a snake, my fingers creep to my lips. Drool — or, at least I hope so.

Two large and oddly shaped figures materialize in front of me. They are so close, only a foot or two away. Voices suddenly emanate from the now more defined silhouettes. Their speech sounds muffled and trails off into the distance even as I try to concentrate on their words. Who are they? What are they saying? Why can’t I understand them? One of the voices almost sounds feminine.

Another indistinguishable sound gradually becomes more apparent as it grows louder and the ringing in my ears subsides. It’s the engine of a car. My brain finally starts to put the fuzzy pieces of evidence together. I must have fallen asleep in the back seat. A familiar smell creeps into my nose that reassures me — my mother’s perfume.

“Mom?” my throat squeezes out in a raw, breathy, hoarse tone.

“We’re almost home, dear,” her voice replies in a low, sluggish tone.

I internally smile at her comforting words, though her voice sounds peculiar.

A sudden rush of nervousness enters my belly. The car feels as if it’s flying down the road like a rocket ship as the speed of the flashing lights zooming above my head all blur into one.

“Mom,” I try to shout, but not a single sound escapes my mouth this time. Confused, I try again. “Mom!”

She doesn’t hear me. I don’t hear me.

A single, bright white light races towards us, growing larger by the second. My mother turns her head towards me smiling. Why doesn’t she hear me? How does she not see the light?

Again, with all my might. “Mom . . . !” my voice trails in my head like a deafening siren, stabbing my ears like a knife.

Time stops in this very moment. I can see everything with perfect clarity as I stare in horror into my mother’s eyes — no Joe’s eyes, surrounded by the face of a baby. My mouth is left open, still screaming without a sound. A baby’s giggle reverberates through my ears and bones with an eerie tone that makes the hairs on my body stand on end.

“Mama,” the infant says, reaching its arms toward me.

My body is abruptly yanked away, as I desperately shuffle across a cold, damp, concrete floor needing to reach it — him? — her? My eyes dart around and I suddenly finding myself strapped down on a gurney. The leather restraints constrict my arms and legs as a baby’s scream pierces my ears.

“Joe?” I call out, seeing a figure down a long, narrow hallway as I look over my protruding belly.

He turns his back to me, holding something in his arms that is covered with a blanket, heading in the opposite direction from me as the light beyond him grows brighter.

“No!” I shout. “Joe. Please. Don’t leave me. Please. Don’t take him. Don’t leave me all alone.”

“Emma!” a voice calls violently.

Jerking awake, I shout out in despair. The pounding of my heart and heaving of my lungs is only matched by the shaking that racks my body.

“No,” I sob into my hands as I rock back and forth. “No.”

“Emma, beautiful,” a voice calls as large, warm arms wrap around me.

My hands grip into his biceps.

“It’s okay, Emma,” he soothes. “It was just a dream.”

My head shakes and I continue to wallow from fear of the nightmare coming true — fear of losing him — them. After some time, Joe’s body relaxes a little and he brushes his fingers through my hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently.

“No,” I snap.

“Okay,” he answers lovingly. “Okay. We don’t have to.”

“How did you know I was here?” I ask nervously.

“When Anna came back, she told me you were a little tired and decide to take a nap,” he shares.

“Yeah,” I confirm with a sigh.

“Is Kim doing any further tests to rule out other possibilities?” he asks full of concern.

“Yeah. Just waiting on the results,” I lie.

“Okay,” he replies, kissing me. “It’s been a while?”

“Blood work can take a few weeks,” I remind.

“No,” he chuckles. “I mean since the last . . . dream.”

“Oh. Yeah,” I agree.

“How about I make some tea and you try some of the tapping techniques?” Joe explores.

“Yeah,” I huff. “That would be great.” I move to get up with him.

“No,” Joe corrects. “Stay. I’ll get them.”

“You sure?” I inspect.

“Yes. I’m sure,” he chuckles, kissing me on the side of my head. “Relax and I’ll be right back.”

My head throbs from all the tears I’ve shed today, and for as much liquid as I’ve drunk, my throat feels dry and hoarse. I curl into Sadie who has finally calmed from the incident, petting her to soothe both of us.

Joe returns with the stuff Dr. Callahan gave me and then leaves to make tea. Right as I’m finishing the final few tapping movements, Joe enters the bedroom with two cups of tea. We lay quietly sipping our drinks and just enjoy being together with Sadie without any other distractions. At some point, he suggests a bath and I happily agree. For as much as I want to avoid him, to avoid bringing up the fact that I’m pregnant, I’m glad he’s here.

My mind drifts as we snuggle in the tub which eventually turns into a small massage. Joe rubs my neck, shoulders and arms while I trail my fingers up and down his legs. My bathtub is comfortable, but not near as comfortable and spacious as Joe’s. I debate with the idea of telling him now and the raw ache in the pit of my stomach screams to wait until I’m feeling better. I panic momentarily at the thought of him seeing the pregnancy tests, but I remember that Anna took the trash out with her when she left. The tests themselves are in a plastic bag that is inside my memory box for safe keeping. I know Joe won’t go in there — not at least in the next two days before we leave for our trip.

“Emma?” Joe coos sweetly.

“Hmm,” I answer.

“Why did you call out my name?” he says.

“What do you mean?” I ask confused.

“While you were dreaming, you called out my name,” he explains.

My body stiffens and my heart rate accelerates. “I . . . I don’t remember,” I lie.

“Was I in the car with you?” he searches.

“Why?” I reply nervously.

“Because, you said my name and then said
Don’t leave me. Please, don’t take him. Don’t leave me all alone
,” he repeats.

“Maybe,” I fib, not wanting to talk about it.

Joe’s hands caress my arms tenderly. “Did I die in your dream?”

“I . . . I don’t remember,” I lie again.

“I’m not going anywhere, beautiful,” he encourages. “I love you and I plan on sticking around for a long while.” Joe tilts my head for me to look at him over my shoulder. “Okay?”

“Okay,” I accept.

His lips take mine with firm desperation.

My body eases a little, knowing that I need to tell him, feeling more confident that I can tell him — but, how?

The time to leave for our long weekend vacation is here and I have yet to tell Joe about the baby. I’m fairly certain he won’t be mad at me with how our relationship is and what Anna said. I’m really grateful that she’s allowing me to tell him on my own terms. I know I need to tell him, but when? How? Every time I think I can muster the courage to tell him, I don’t.

Keeping our trip close to home with Maggie being almost six months pregnant, and with Easter next weekend, the eight of us head up to Big Bear and Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernardino mountains since we haven’t taken Henry and Joe up there yet.

The days in the high elevation are supposed to be fairly warm, being in the sixties while the nights are much cooler — about thirty degrees cooler. It’s the perfect lake cabin weather for a relaxing, low-key weekend. The house we rented has a heated, indoor pool, ten bedrooms, twelve bathrooms, a workout room, a grand living area with a piano and a whole wall of books just off a huge, main kitchen all while having floor to ceiling windows in many of the rooms facing the lake.

We’ve also rented the house to the left of us for our bodyguards and other staff members. Anna and several of Maggie’s maids take our bags to our rooms after we pick which ones we want and then make their way down to the kitchen to start unpacking the food that we brought. Our bodyguards sweep the interior and exterior of the house while my friends and I decide on what to do.

We make our way out to have lunch at one of the restaurants and while we’re there, then decide to go horseback riding. Most of us have never been and Maggie is excited to try before she gets too big. Henry’s a little nervous about it, but calms only a little when Maggie show’s him a text from Kim that she’s safe to partake.

Joe, Henry, Jimmy, Allen and Maggie are naturals on the horses. Nathan, Jared and I are okay at best. Jared’s horse decides to go for a little gallop when we hit an open patch, but our guide is quick to rein Jared and his horse in pretty quickly. Nathan and I can’t help but tease Jared, especially since he has the look of death on his face each time his horse picks up a little speed. Jared threatens to trade horses, but I know he’s too scared to get down off of the animal. When our ride is over, the instructor gives us a tour of their farm and lets us help feed some of the animals. Maggie’s in full mother mode, wanting to feed every animal — and I mean every animal. It’s funny to watch. The guys don’t really seem to care too much — the prissy boys they are. I’m happy to help Maggie. The horses are like big Sadies to me and it’s easier to be around them when not on top of them; feeling like you’re going to fall off.

After horseback riding, we stop for some ice cream and take a stroll along the town to stretch our legs some more since the guys begin complaining of being sore. There’s less of a crowd with the winter season just ending and the Spring weather hasn’t fully arrived to elicit the tourists to come for the next round of festivities.

By five, we head back to the house and play some games and chat while we wait for dinner to be served. Dinner goes smoothly even though I’m a little quiet. We laugh and joke as we share more stories and end up sitting outside around the fire pit once the flames are burning warm enough. Jared and Nathan pour drinks for everyone, giving Maggie tea, Henry and Joe scotch while Jimmy, Allen, Jared and Nathan have wine. They offer me wine, but I refuse — it’s not the first time for me to turn down a glass. Thankfully, none of them notice and I have a cup of tea with Maggie. Each couple is sharing a lounge chair around the fire, one sitting in front of the other with a blanket wrapped around them.

When I get up to bring out a fresh pot of tea for Maggie and me, I take Joe’s empty glass, knowing that he’ll want another round of scotch.

“Thank you, beautiful. I love you,” he says as I breach the sliding glass doors.

My body freezes in place.

“How long have you two been saying
I love you
?” Jimmy asks.

I look over my shoulder, but don’t reply.

“I’ve been telling her since Valentine’s Day,” Joe reveals with a grin.

“Isn’t it cute?” Maggie beams.

“Wait? You knew?” Jimmy asks.

“And, Henry and Jared and Nathan,” Maggie announces, kissing Henry.

“What about you?” Allen poses. “Have you told Joe?”

My mouth opens to say something, but words fail to arise.

“She hasn't said it yet,” Maggie shares. “Not since I asked her about it.”

“And, you’re okay with him saying it, Emma?” Jimmy inquires.

I’m nowhere near the fire, but the heat rising in my body makes me feel like I’m standing in the middle of it. Not sure what to say, I shrug my shoulders and continue inside.

As I get the water boiling, Jared joins me in the kitchen.

“You okay,
Kitten
?” he checks.

“Yeah. Why?” I lie.

“You seem a little off,” he presents. “You feeling okay?”

“Good,” I answer.

“What did the results say from the tests Kim did?” he asks lovingly.

“Everything is fine,” I comment, pouring the scotch for Joe.

“
Kitten
,” Jared insists.

“What?”

“What aren’t you telling me?” he presses.

“Nothing,” I lie again.

“Is it weird for you . . . you know, that Joe told you . . . I mean, I know you said it was okay when you told Nathan and me, but it’s okay if you’re not okay with the fact that he says it,” Jared stops, gauging my reaction about hearing those three words.

“No,” I admit honestly.

Jared smiles. “Do you love him? Have you told him if you do?”

I shake my head and shrug my shoulders, not sure how to respond and to keep our conversation away from certain other topics.

“I’m glad that you didn’t freak out when he told you,” Jared shares.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” I ask.

“He’s good for you,” Jared states. “He’s more than good for you, you know? And, I think you’re really good for him.” Jared pauses for a second. “Joe’s a good guy . . . better than good and he brings out the best in you, not that you haven’t been not the . . . shit . . . that didn’t come out right.”

“It’s okay,” I laugh, appreciating the sentiment. “I know what you mean.”

“It’s just that I’ve never seen you this happy before and I’m happy that you’re happy,” he continues. “Nathan, Pop-Pop, Maggie, the whole family and I are really happy for you. It’s like you’re coming out of your shell . . . not that we didn’t know you before, but we’re getting to see a different side of you.”

“Thanks,” I reply.

If he only knew the new side of me that will be here in nine months.

“I know that sometimes it’s easier for you to talk to Maggie about certain things, you know, because she’s a girl and all, but I’m always here for you,
Kitten
. No matter what, I’ll always be here for you. You can’t get rid of me. We’re family.”

“Thanks,” I return, stepping in to hug him.

It’s not that I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to Jared at any point. I know he’s always there, but there’s something with what he’s saying or how he’s saying it that it hits me differently — good differently. I can feel my emotions shifting rather quickly.

When we let each other go, we stand holding the other’s hand and just gaze into each other’s eyes, having our own private conversation like we’ve had in the past. I’ve wondered sometimes at what Jared was really saying and have never asked him to explain. I’ve never really needed him to — I feel it, him and what he’s saying. I feel the love — the unconditional love that will always be there and nothing I could ever do would lessen it.

“Thank you,” I sigh, feeling myself relax more.

“For what?” Jared checks.

“Everything,” I say on a breath out. “You.”

Jared steps in, hugging me. “Thank you,
Kitten
.”

It’s not just a little hug, it’s a hug with so much depth and meaning — the reassurance of that
love
. I eagerly wrap my arms around him, happy for the embrace. When the pot whistles, Jared kisses the top of my head and lets me finish, assisting me to carry Joe’s drink while I carry the tray with the tea.

As we continue to chat late into the night, I stare up at the night sky, contented by the display of stars above us. The idea of when and how to tell Joe circles back through my mind, making me wonder if it would be easier to tell him in front of everyone or if I should do it when we’re alone? Would it be easier for him to hear the news with others present? Would it be easier for him to take it alone? I’m so confused. Is there a right time? Is there a right way to tell him?