Just Ask (3 page)

I got some books from the library and then went online to research everything I could find. And believe me, there's a lot. And a lot of it is pretty confusing too. At least at first. But if you sort of relax your brain a little and just think about it awhile, it starts to sink in. Then if you boil it down to the basics, it slowly begins to make a little sense. And in some ways, it's not all that different from Christianity.

Take the Five Precepts (kind of like the Ten Commandments). Basically they are: 1) Don't kill, but be kind. 2) Don't steal, but be generous. 3) Control your lust, and practice awareness. 4) Don't lie or gossip, but use good words. 5) Don't use intoxicants, but think clearly.

Now really, is there anything wrong with any of that? I didn't think so. But when my parents (mostly my mom) heard me talking about my exploration into Buddhism, well, you'd think that I'd told them I wanted to worship the devil.

After my mom stopped crying, my dad told her that
it probably wasn't such a bad thing. “Knowledge is good,” he said. “And Kim is an intelligent girl. She'll discover the truth in time.”

I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by this “discover the truth in time” line. Like did he think that I'd get tired of Buddhism and go back to their Christian ways of thinking? But his words seemed to appease my mom, and at the time, that was good enough for me.

Consequently, I've been much more discreet about my Buddhism research. And for the sake of family and friends, I try to keep quiet about my religious journey. Chloe is the only one I ever talk to about stuff like this. And thankfully, she doesn't ever put me down.

And some things about Buddhism I really like. For one thing, Buddhists don't criticize other religions. They sort of believe that all religions eventually lead to truth. And that's kind of cool. Buddhism has a lot to do with the mind and practicing self-control and gaining understanding. Nothing wrong with that.

But I do have one little problem with Buddhism. Okay, maybe it's a big problem. But it has to do with karma, which I used to think was pretty cool, until I discovered more about it.

I began studying the Four Noble Truths (foundational in Buddhism), and I got a little confused by the belief that everything that happens to you (good or bad) is essentially your own fault. Now, it's not like I don't want to take the blame for something when it's really my fault
(like, say, when I got that speeding ticket and got stuck writing the column), but what about things that I have absolutely no control over?

For instance, I was abandoned at birth. According to the Second Noble Truth, this must be my fault. So maybe I cried too much as a baby. Or maybe my diapers were really nasty and stinky. I don't know. But I don't see how you can blame a baby for the fact that its parents don't want it anymore. That just seems wrong.

And today as I wrote back to Fed Up, I didn't see how it could possibly be her fault that her parents split up and started acting like total morons. It's messing up her life and causing her grief, and I just don't get that.

So I am a little confused about Buddhism too and have decided not to think about religion any more today. Instead I plan to think about test-driving that cool Jeep Wrangler tomorrow. And in the meantime, I will take the time to answer one more letter. Hopefully, nothing as serious as Fed Up's letter.

P.S. Do you think we might actually be lesbians but don't really know it yet?

All right! Dad and I test-drove the Jeep today, and I immediately got the sense that he thought it was a great little vehicle. I mean, he started talking about taking it out in the woods and camping and stuff So I promised him that he could drive it occasionally if he'd just let me get it. Of course, I doubt my offer had that much influence, but he did talk to my mom, and after about an hour of discussion (while I was scrubbing down the entire kitchen), she finally caved.

So this afternoon, I gave Carl my down payment, signed a sales agreement with my dad (since he's carrying my loan), and I am now the proud owner of a Jeep Wrangler. Woo-hoo!

The first thing I do (after taking my mom for a nice little ride to reassure her that the Jeep is perfectly safe) is to call Natalie and invite her to go cruising with me.

“This is so awesome, Kim!” she shrieks as she jumps in and figures out how to close the door. I've already taken the soft top off so we can drive to town in style. And it turns out that Carl also had a “hard” top for wintertime use. This really helped to bring my mom on board.

“Thanks,” I tell Natalie as I look both ways before I pull out onto the street. Believe me, I am being very careful about driving now. No way do I want to mess this baby up.

“You are so lucky!” she says as she tries out the CD player. I already loaded it with my favorite CDs.

“I know!” And I can tell that I've got this goofy-looking smile plastered all over my face as I drive toward town with the wind blowing through my hair. But honestly, I am so happy I can barely contain myself This is so cool.

“I mean, seriously, Kim. I thought you'd never get a car after that major speeding ticket you racked up last week. I just cannot believe your parents gave in like that.”

I'd almost forgotten that Natalie knew about my stupid ticket. “Hey, don't forget that I swore you to secrecy.”

“But what's the difference now that you've got your own wheels?”

“Well, it's because of this deal that my dad and I worked out,” I admit without filling in the details. “My mom doesn't know about it. I don't want you to say anything.”

She kind of frowns now. “You mean you're lying to your mom?”

“Not exactly It's just that my dad wanted to work this thing out in his own way. He didn't want to upset my mom. You know how she gets so freaked about the smallest things.”

Natalie nods. “I can still remember when you broke your arm in fifth grade. I thought your mom was going to have a heart attack right there at the swimming pool.”

“Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about.”

“But you're so lucky that your dad's cool with this kind of stuff,” she says as I turn to cruise down Main Street. Okay, I know it's kinda lame, but I just can't help myself. I really hope we see someone we know.

“Dad's made it totally clear that if I get another ticket of any kind, I won't be driving anything besides my bike.” I slow way down as soon as I see the business zone sign. I'm not taking any chances.

We decide to stop in at the Paradiso Café for coffee. But I park right in front so I can keep an eye on my Jeep. “I wonder if this is how a new mom feels,” I say to Natalie as we get out, and I pocket my new set of keys. “like I don't want to leave my Jeep out of sight for even a minute.”

She looks at me like I might be losing it. “I seriously doubt that a mom would leave her baby out on the street, Kim.” Then I give her my do-you-know-what-you-just-said look, and suddenly her blue eyes grow wide. “Oh, I'm sorry, Kim,” she says quickly. “I forgot about what happened in Korea—”

“It's okay,” I tell her. Then I pat the Jeep's hood. “I'd take you inside the coffeehouse, Daisy, but I don't think you'd fit through the door.”

“You named your Jeep?”

“Of course.” I grin. I do sound pretty ridiculous. “It's not like you have to tell anyone about it. But honestly, doesn't she look like a Daisy to you?”

Natalie just laughs as if she thinks my sanity might be questionable. But I don't really care. Let her laugh. I'm the one who got the keys to a totally great set of wheels today.

“Hey, there,” calls a somewhat familiar voice as soon as we walk into the Paradiso. I glance over to my right and see Cesar Rodriguez and Jake Hall sitting by the window.

“Hey,” I call back. “How are you guys doing?”

“Not bad.” Cesar smiles that killer smile of his, and I have to wonder why someone from Hollywood hasn't discovered this gorgeous Latino yet. And as usual, that makes me wonder, how was it that Chloe ever gave him up? Or did he give her up? I still don't know for sure. I guess it's none of my business either.

“You girls want to join us?” asks Jake.

I glance at Natalie, and she just shrugs like that's okay.

“Sure,” I tell them. “We'll go order first.”

Now Natalie and I don't really fit into any specific group at school. Not so you'd notice anyway. I suppose if anything you'd call us academics—we are in Honor
Society—although I like to imagine that we re not as geeky as some of our academic peers.

Though I did get a serious scare in freshman English a couple of years back. Mrs. Samuels pointed me out as the “girl with the perfect grammar.” Eeeuuu! I mean, who wants to be that? So I went out of my way to start talking just like everyone else. Its like I became sort of a pop-culture linguist of sorts. Naturally, my parents totally hate it. But sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do to fit in. Not that I fit in so well. But at least I don't stick out quite so much now.

And while Natalie and I aren't exactly the popular smiley-faced cheerleader types (which is actually fine with me since I tend to think those girls are pretty shallow and superficial anyway), we're not total losers either. But we don't go out for sports, so we're not jocks. And we're not into things like chess club or debate team, so we're not really nerds (at least we don't think so). But we do participate in drama sometimes. Although we're not totally devoted to every single production either—so we're not really drama freaks either. Maybe we're not really anything.

Actually, I think we see ourselves more as observers, or fringers, like sometimes we might even feel slightly invisible. As a result, we don't have a whole mob of friends either. Like huge understatement. But that may have as much to do with being picky as it does with not being picked.

Oh, it's not that people dislike us, but more that they simply don't really notice us. And trust me, sometimes
not being noticed is a whole lot better than being noticed, if you know what I mean. ‘Cause everyone who's been in middle school knows that kids can be really cruel. Especially girls.

“Kim?” Natalie says, like she's already said it more than once. “It's your turn to order now.”

I order a cappuccino, which is the coolest coffee drink, then quietly ask Natalie if she's okay sitting with those guys.

“It's cool.” She pretends to toss some of her long blond hair over one shoulder, but I can tell she's just using this as an excuse to look back at their table. Then she smiles. “But I get to sit by Cesar.”

I laugh at this. “Yeah, whatever.” I don't bother to mention that Cesar doesn't date. I only know this because of Chloe. The fact is, I've only gotten to know Cesar through Chloe, and I don't really know him all that well. But he and Jake have been friends with Chloe for a couple of years now.

Last spring, during a time when Nat and I weren't speaking (thankfully it lasted only a week or two), Chloe kind of befriended me and pulled me into their group a few times. I even got to jam with the band once. Pretty cool.

But I actually like these two guys, and in some ways they remind me of Natalie and me. like none of us are quite sure where we fit in exactly. But maybe that's okay. And maybe they're the kind of guys who Nat and I can fit in with.

We get our coffees and go back to join them. Naturally, I let Natalie sit next to Cesar as promised. And I sit next to Jake (who always reminds me ofthat comedian Carrot Top—only Jake's not such a maniac).

“You guys ready for school to start?” I ask as I blow a little hole in the milky foam that tops my cappuccino.

Jake groans. “No way.”

Cesar shrugs. “Yeah, sort of.”

“Did you see Kim's new set of wheels?” Natalie nods toward the window where my Jeep is clearly visible.

Jake looks out with interest. “Which one?”

“That yellow Jeep,” I tell them, watching for their reactions.

“Cool,” says Cesar with an approving nod.

“Way cool,” agrees Jake.

I smile. Owning a good car is one way to get some guys’ attention.

“Yeah,” says Natalie. “Kim's an only child, and her parents spoil her rotten…their little Asian princess.” Then she winks at me because she knows this always makes me want to scream and pull my hair out.

“Oh, sure, that's why I worked my tail off all summer just to have a down payment, because I'm so spoiled.”

“But how will you keep paying for it?” she asks, “now that you're not working anymore?”

I consider this. No way am I going to mention my newspaper column job. “Don't worry; my parents think I'm their personal slave.” Then I give them this sly look and lower my voice. “Don't you know that's why all
these American parents send away to get kids from other countries? Its just this big cover-up for child slavery. John Stossel from ‘20/20'just called to see if he can do an exposé that features my parents and me.”

“Yeah, you bet.” Natalie rolls her big blue eyes at me. “If anyone does an exposé on child slavery, they better shoot it at my house. Honestly, my mom was in such a hormonal snit this morning, I couldn't even leave until I'd totally vacuumed and dusted every square inch of our whole freaking house. And Krissy and Micah do nothing but create more messes.”