Just a Little Honesty (8 page)

“The truth,” I said, trying not to let my tears come to surface. “We’ve been through a lot. And I can’t remember a time when we’ve ever seen eye-to-eye, Luke.” He nodded, but his expression didn’t change. “And it’s no secret that one of our biggest issues—if not our
biggest
issue—was Derek, right from the very start.” Again, he nodded. I dropped my head and looked at the ground, but only because I didn’t dare look him in the eye when I found the nerve to ask him, “he’s the reason why they haven’t found Conan, isn’t he? He’s helping his father?”

Luke scooted himself to the very edge of his seat, reached forward, and lifted my chin. But his touch didn’t linger; he simply pulled his hand back and lowered his gaze.

“No,” he said, and there was more honesty in that one word than I had prepared myself for.

“What?”

“I don’t think Derek knows any more than we do at this point,” he said, and for the first time in months, I actually believed that Luke was being honest with me. “Julie, I talked to Charlie this morning; Bruno’s had eyes on Derek ‘round the clock; that’s why he stayed back in Oakland. He’s watched him day and night since the moment we rolled out. Honestly, kid, Bruno thinks Derek is just a baffled and just as fearful as the rest of the town.”

It almost hurt; I’d been trying to tell him for months that Derek wasn’t a problem. I’d tried assuring him (time and time again) that there was no threat; he had nothing to fear. But Luke never believed me. But the moment Bruno and Charlie tell him—the moment they confirm their beliefs are the same as the ones I’d had for months—
then
Luke was ready to listen?

“You talked to Charlie?” I asked, watching his eyes as they locked on mine. “Did he say… is Derek… is he—”

“He’s fine,” Luke said, and he only leaned closer. There wasn’t an edge to his voice, or even the slightest bit of hostility. For the first time in a long time, Luke was talking to me as an equal; he wasn’t trying to placate me, or even shut me up. He was trying to give me the honesty I’d been asking for from the very beginning. “They’re going to catch Conan, Julie. And they’re going to stop at nothing to make sure he doesn’t hurt a soul, and that includes his son. Derek might not be as safe as you are right now, but he
is
safe. He’s one of the safest people in that town
because
of the eyes that are on him. He doesn’t make a move without us knowing—
not a single move.
”

I nodded and looked down at my feet.

“Julie,” he said, reaching forward to lift my chin again, but this time he didn’t let go. “He’s going to be okay. I promise.”

I let his words sink in before I met his stare, and the sincerity in his eyes trumped all the doubt I’d felt coming into that moment.

He could’ve just sat there and let me fret over the uncontrollable, but he didn’t. Luke gave me all the confidence I needed to keep my head up.

“Thanks,” I said, and I didn’t have to say what for. We both knew that his words meant more than a simple
thanks
could’ve expressed, but it was easier to just walk away and let the silence speak for itself.

I started to stand when Luke reached forward and took my hand.

“One more minute,” he said as if he still had something else to say.

I settled back in and watched as he gnawed on his bottom lip.

“Luke?”

“When I told Derek to leave town,” he said quickly. “It was only
partially
because I didn’t trust him.” He blinked his brown eyes a few times and watched for a reaction, but I didn’t give him one. “There was always something about him that rubbed me the wrong way, yes. But that wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want him around.”

“Okay?” I asked, pulling my feet up and tucking them under my legs. Luke seemed to relax as he saw me get comfortable; he let his shoulders fall, and he eased himself back in the chair.

“In all honesty, Julie,” he said, and this time he closed his eyes for a few deep breaths. “I was jealous.”

I had to watch his lips carefully as he said those three little words; Luke had never been one to show any sign of insecurity, nor had he ever come close to admitting his faults. I didn’t know what to make of his sudden honesty, and quite frankly, it scared me a little. I’d thought I’d known everything there was to know about Luke, and all of a sudden he started dropping bombs left and right.

“He was the one,” he said, not giving me time to respond to his admission. “Your Uncle Charlie doesn’t look at Derek and see the things I see. He sees the individual, and I see the potential. Derek worships you, and that’s just what Charlie wants. He wants you surrounded by people who’ll throw themselves at your feet. He wants you to have an easy life, a life free of risk. Derek was everything he could’ve asked for; there was no question that he could make you happy. But
I’m
the risk.
I
want to challenge you, Julie. I want to make you question things. I want to make you smile, make you angry. I want to make you feel more than just content. I’m not going to walk behind you or in front of you. I’m going to stand beside you. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you skip through life making foolish decisions or ignoring consequences. It just means that I care enough to help you learn… and help you understand that life isn’t always about getting your way. But that’s not what your family wants for you… and I struggled to accept that. So, no, I didn’t want you cozying up with Derek. I didn’t want him anywhere near you,” he said, and I finally sensed some finality coming. “Because I didn’t want him to
have
you.”

I watched his eyes as they traced my face, and his hand slowly slipped from my wrist to my fingers.

“Now,” he said, trying to clear his throat, but he seemed to struggle with it. “Can I ask
you
a question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you love him?” he asked, and it was almost as if he’d lost his voice.

“Luke—”

“Back then, in the months before he left,” he said. “Your feelings for Derek were strictly platonic.” I nodded, and he looked as though he’d never doubted that fact. “But things seem different now that he’s home. I just… I want to know what’s changed.”

“I don’t know,” I said. But it wouldn’t have mattered what I said. I knew very well what Luke was fishing for. He wanted me to admit that he’d been right. He wanted to hear it—straight from my mouth to his ears—that I had feelings for Derek.

“Julie,” he said, now sitting at the very edge of his chair again. His fingers gently traced the naked ring finger on my left hand. “Do you wanna get married?”

“Whoa,” I said, jerking my hand back. And as soon as I pulled away, his face dropped, and he shook his head.

“No, no, no,” he said, trying to take it back, but I kept it far from his reach. “I’m not asking you
to
get married.”

I sucked in a breath and held it for a minute, but the panic couldn’t drain from my face. “Try again.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, dropping his head as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t found a better way to phrase his question. I kept my hands planted firmly in my lap as Luke took a few deep breaths to start over.

“When we started dating in December, I was overwhelmed with work and reconnecting with Dad. And then… Rebecca and Molly showed up, and all hell broke loose. I lost you, and I’m not really sure I ever had you. We went on what… two dates in the matter of months? I can’t remember spending more than a few hours with you in the time that we were ‘together.’ And, like an idiot, I never took the time to ask the questions a boyfriend is supposed to ask. I don’t know what you want from life. Are you going to college in the fall? Have you even applied anywhere? Are you going to strike out on your own and give life a shot?
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to have children? Do you want the same things from life that your parents had? Or are you chasing after something completely different? Who are you? What do you want, Julie?”

His questions were all reasonable, and though I’d never taken the time to vocalize my aspirations, I vaguely knew what I wanted from life.

“I’m not any closer to knowing what I want do about college than I was nine months ago,” I said, thinking back to how much I’d hated the stupid job-shadowing project that’d started all of this. “I loved working on the Fall Ball, and putting the holiday parade together, sure. I think I’m good at executing things like that, but it doesn’t feel realistic enough to work in the long run.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to think of all the questions he’d asked me. “I don’t even know what dress I’m wearing to graduation, so please don’t expect me to know what I want to do months after I get my diploma. College is probably not going to happen right away. I don’t even know if that’s something I want for myself.” I tried not to smirk as I answered the next question, but it was hard not to considering how he’d first asked. “Yes, I want to get married. I want to experience falling in love to the point of complete bliss; I want to create a happily ever after with someone who loves me as passionately as I love him. I want
everything
my parents had, Luke. I want to marry the man I love. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night. And… just like my parents,” I said, fighting my tears. “I want to die in his arms.” A single tear slid down my cheek as I watched his begin to well. “I want a family, Luke;
of course
I want children. And I’d stay in Oakland forever if it meant that my children got to be loved, hugged, and spoiled by Charlie and Matt.”

Luke simply smirked, so I took that as an indication that I’d answered everything to his satisfaction. I didn’t want to stay up any longer and let the night get any more confusing than it already had. I’d only come down looking for answers about Derek, and somehow I ended up spilling my guts about all the things I wanted—or didn’t want—from life.

“I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Julie,” Luke said, standing up just as I started to walk away. I turned back and watched as he shrugged. “I’m an asshole, I know.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.”

“I’ve made you’re life a living hell these past few months, and I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I’m not asking for you to love me, and I’d never
dare
ask again for your forgiveness; I know I don’t deserve it. But I don’t want you to walk away and think that I don’t know just how bad I screwed up. I know, and I have to live with that.”

He half-smiled, and I couldn’t help but do the same.

“I think Derek’s a good guy,” he said, and I could see that it almost pained him to admit that out loud. “You came down here looking for honesty, and that’s what you’re going to get. I’ll
never
trust him with you, but that’s only because he’s not me. I know he can’t protect you the way I can. And I know for damn certain that he’ll never love you like I do. But I want you to be happy, and if Derek is what makes you happy… tell me, and I won’t stand in your way.”

My chest rose with a few heavy breaths as I watched Luke’s eyes softly reflect the lamp light. “Promise?”

“I swear.”

I nodded once and walked out of the living room, leaving Luke to stand firmly in place as I traipsed up the staircase. I stood at the balcony and watched him for a minute, but he never looked up. He simply stood where I’d left him, looking as though he wasn’t sure what to make of how we’d ended our conversation. After all, he’d done everything short of asking me straight up. Did I want him, or did I want Derek?

“Luke,” I said, and his eyes slowly met mine. I watched him for a few long seconds, hoping that I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life by admitting what I’d known all along. “My
happily ever after
doesn’t end with anyone but you, I hope you know that.”

He tried not to smile, but he failed miserably. “You know I love you, right?”

“That’s beside the point,” I said. “Hearing you say that
used
to matter. But actions speak louder than words, Luke. So, just… shut up. And prove something for once.”

He nodded, and I turned back to my bed.

“Good night, Jules.”

“Good night, asshole.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Monday, April 08 | 9:00 a.m.

It wasn’t easy to get the previous night out of my mind. Things seemed to have changed so quickly, and I’m not really sure why. I’d asked Luke for something simple, but he’d given me so much more. He seemed to trust Derek, despite what he’d been saying all along. He just didn’t trust Derek to protect and love me the way he could. And honestly, neither did I.

But
I
trusted Derek with my happiness… and that’s why I knew that he’d always be the best friend a person could ask for. What I didn’t know was what Derek expected from our friendship long-term. And I prayed that my decision to follow my heart—to hopefully pursue some kind of future with Luke—wouldn’t break
his
heart into a thousand tiny pieces.

All I’d ever wanted was for Derek to come home. I wanted him by my side, encouraging me and guiding me the way no one else ever had. And I finally had that again; he was home and within arm’s reach. I’d spent days, weeks, and months wanting nothing more than for my best friend to show up at my doorstep. And as soon as I had him again, I had no idea where to go from there.

Had I once had deeper feelings for him that had gone unexplored? Was he ever what I really wanted? I didn’t know. I had no way
to
know, and it would’ve helped had he ever given me any kind of sign.

But ever since Derek showed up days after my birthday, he’d barely let me touch him. Every time I’d try to rest my head on his shoulder, touch his arm, or throw my arms around him for a hug, he’d always find a way to duck away as nonchalantly as possible—or so he thought, but it was just as obvious to me as it was to him; he didn’t want me touching him.

The only time I could actually remember him touching me (after his surprise homecoming) was when he hugged me, pressed a kiss to my head, and whispered that one little word—surprise. And then, of course, the way he comforted me back at Frank’s after the announcement of his father’s prison break. But other than that, as far as physical intimacy was concerned, Derek had remained very distant.