Junk Miles (31 page)

The band came out, and I tried to put all the craziness of the night behind me. Kelsie and I screamed along with all the songs, danced until we were buckled over from laughing, and acted like the happy young fools we were. Saxon came in with three soccer girls who looked like they might scratch each others’ eyes out over him, and they were all strong, gorgeous, and determined. That scenario was probably Saxon’s wet dream. He joked and grinned a lot, but once in a while I caught him looking at me with no trace of a smile on his face.

By the time the last song played, I could hardly keep my eyes open. “I hate to ask you,” I said loudly in his ear, “’cause I can see how much fun you’re going to have, but could you give me a ride home? I don’t mind if you need to, uh, bring a friend along.” I glanced at the three girls, and their six glaring eyeballs and six aggressively crossed arms and three anxiously tapping feet. “Or three.”

Saxon’s smile died on his lips. He put his mouth close to my ear. “Really? You don’t care?”

I shook my head, and when he pulled away, I was startled at the twist of his mouth.

“
Saxon, I thought you…I didn’t mean…please!” I thought we were settled, I thought it was all okay between us, but his look made me feel like maybe we weren’t.

He cupped a hand over my mouth. “Stop!” He gave me a half smile. “You open your mouth and make things worse. Drop it. I appreciate your open-mindedness. Really.” He pointed to the spot on the floor where I stood. “Wait. Right here. Okay?”

I nodded and watched Saxon corral his three competitive, gorgeous admirers and followed them with my eyes until I lost the four of them in the crowd. Folly played an encore song, then a second, but Saxon didn’t come back, and I decided to snake through the wild fans and find Kelsie. I’d just text Saxon and let him know I’d gotten home without him. It would be less awkward that way, anyway.

Just as I was leaving my assigned spot, I felt his hand on my arm, and couldn’t have imagined a better feeling. Saxon would bring me home, and I could go to bed and let this whole day wash away. My eyes felt hot and heavy, and all the smoke in the room coupled with my and Kelsie’s sing-along made my throat a burning, clawed mess. When I turned to tell him I was ready, I saw that it wasn’t Saxon.

“
Jake!” I felt myself blush. “Sorry, I thought you were…someone else.”

There was no way to talk without getting close, so we leaned into each other for necessity’s sake. And I may have breathed in the smell of him, just a little, just to remember, but it was mostly because the air was so stuffy, and he smelled like a clean, cold breeze. “Saxon sent me.” His voice rumbled close to my ear. “He said to tell you something came up. He asked if I’d mind giving you a lift.”

Our eyes hooked, and I tucked the moment of closeness next to my heart even though it scorched me like a hot coal.

“
It’s fine, Jake. I was going to see if I could get a ride back with whoever brought Kelsie. You know, since we live right around the corner from each other.” I wanted to go with him so badly, I knew it was a stupid idea that would only shake an excruciating dash of salt on a wide open wound.

“
She’s waiting for the band to finish. You look kind of tired. Let me take you.” His voice was reasonable, adult. The same voice he’d used with Nikki, but without the disappointment and blame.

“
Um, okay.” I ignored the warm anticipation that gurgled through me at the thought of Jake and me in his truck alone together. I tried to remind myself that we were completely broken up, and he had a girlfriend he cared about. I tried to ignore the flash of his watch, and I begged my heart to slow its pounding beat when I saw that it was still set on Paris time. For me.

I wanted to take his hand, but it was a tremendously stupid idea. Plus that, his hands were tucked into the pockets of his jacket. I found Kelsie and said goodbye, pointedly ignoring her wildly raised eyebrows as she glanced at Jake.

We walked to his truck silently, and he opened the door for me, pausing longer than he needed when he went to shut it. He got behind the wheel and pulled out. Minutes ticked by and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I had this twisting, aching feeling that I was wasting a chance, a miracle opportunity.

And then I thought of Saxon. And how he was surprised that I was okay with him and the soccer stalkers. How he was disappointed that I was okay with it all.

I thought of how he told me to wait, making me think he’d be right back.

But he decided not to come back for me. He got Jake instead.

Just like he promised in Paris. He paired us back up.

But it was all wishful thinking. Way too much had happened, and there was no hope for us. Well, no hope for us as a couple. But I decided that if I had made my weird version of peace with Saxon, I could do it with Jake, too.

“
I’m so sorry about Nikki tonight.” Jake spoke just a second before I had gotten enough bravery together to tell him that I wanted to mend our tattered relationship back to the friend level at least. “She was out of line, and she shouldn’t have gotten her friends to gang up on you. She’s paranoid that we’re still, you know, into each other.” He adjusted his baseball cap with one hand, pulling it low over his eyes.

I tried to laugh it off, like that was the craziest thing I’d ever heard, even though I was looking at the watch that Nikki was smart enough to notice. “That’s crazy! I mean, you know, we haven’t even talked. In a while.” I meant it to sound like a fact to support our good behavior, but I couldn’t keep the regret out of my voice.

“
I told her that. She sees what she wants.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, she didn’t hurt you or anything, right?”

“
No.” I felt a little prick to my pride. “I could have defended myself, Jake. It’s just…I heard her in the girls’ bathroom earlier today, and I know she cares about you. I mean, she was talking about you and me, and she was kind of upset. I could tell she wasn’t, um, herself tonight.”

“
As long as you’re okay.” Jake’s voice was low and rough. “So, other than all the craziness tonight, have you been okay?”

“
I’ve been great.” I nodded as if that was the honest truth, and I hadn’t spent the last few weeks feeling like my heart was broken in my chest. “And you’ve been good?” My voice came out in a high, trembling squeak.

He cleared his throat again. “I’ve been alright. A lot of work, you know?”

“
How is work?” I clung to anything that would keep us talking.

“
Lots of hours. All the college kids went back to school when winter break ended, so I got a full schedule of time again.”

I wondered if he was staying warm enough. I wondered how he was sleeping. How he was eating. I wondered why I was wondering all of this, considering he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore.

“
I think you…” I began.

“
I’ve missed…” Jake said at the same time.

“
Wait, what were you…” I asked.

“
What did you say?” he asked.

We both stopped talking, and he opened and closed his hands on the steering wheel. “Bren, say what you were going to say. Please.”

“
I think you work too much,” I said, my voice soft and quiet because I knew I had no business butting into his life anymore. My hands were sweaty in my lap. “Not that it’s any of my business. What were you going to say?”

He stared straight ahead, fiddled with the heat vents and finally said, “I wanted to say that I’ve missed…you.”

My ears burned, my eyes bulged, and I couldn’t swallow suddenly. My heart skipped two beats, my skin was on fire, my throat closed up. He missed me?
Jake Kelly missed me!
I had screwed everything up completely and thoroughly, he had a new girlfriend, I’d dated Saxon, and he still missed me.

“
Aren’t you pissed at me?” I gulped while I waited for his answer.

He gave a quiet laugh. “Yeah. Of course. I’ve never, ever been so mad at anyone in my life, Bren. But I can’t help missing you. I’ve never had anyone in my life like you. I’ve been trying to tell you for the last few days…”

I strained in my seat, the belt cutting tight against the side of my neck, against my attempt to push closer and hear him say what I wanted so badly to hear.

“…
that I want to be friends. Not just in that cheesy way people say it when they don’t mean it. I want to talk to you sometimes. I don’t want to spend every day in class avoiding each other.” He looked over at me and offered a small smile. “Okay?”

It was so much more than I deserved, but I still felt deflated. “Of course. I was hoping we could be, um, friends again.” I leaned back into the hard springs of the seat. “What about Nikki?”

“
Nik will be cool.” Jake spoke with total certainty.

I would have been perfectly content to have this stilted, awkward conversation last the whole night, but we were pulling into my driveway. Jake cut the engine, and I sat for a long second.

“
Thank you. For the ride. I was so tired, but I didn’t think Saxon was ready to leave. It’s just been kind of a long day, and it’s so nice to finally be home.” I clamped my mouth shut to stop the blabber that bumped stupidly out of my mouth.

“
You’re welcome. Anytime. And I mean that.”

The air in the cab of the truck was cold and metal heavy. I put my hand on the door handle, but Jake had already gotten out and was headed to my side of the truck. My heart jack-hammered in my chest. I watched him through the streaked, mud-splattered glass of the front windshield, and with every step he took closer to me, my body felt more like it was about to seize with nerves.

By the time he opened the door, I wasn’t positive I could trust my shaky legs, but I managed to step out, so close I could smell the green mint on his breath, see the prickly stubble on his jaw my fingers itched to touch and the flicker of his pulse beating in his neck. It looked fast. Maybe as fast as mine? Everything in that second was happening too quickly for me to be sure of anything.

For one split second, it felt like we were right back in my driveway on Christmas, back when I hadn’t spoiled the magic, back when things were easy and the pull of his love was so strong, I could sleep with it wrapped tight around me, snug as a blanket all night.

He reached for me, and for one second I swear the stars swirled in the sky and the moon glowed brighter. He crushed me to him, and I knew that I hadn’t imagined his heartbeat was wild, because I could feel it pounding through his chest and setting mine to its exact rhythm. I dug my fingers into the stiff fabric of the back of his jacket and closed my eyes as tight as I always did just before I blew out the candles on my birthday cake every year.
I wish, I wish, I wish…

But it didn’t come true.

Jake’s arms snapped away from me and he nodded one short, brisk nod. “Better get inside. It’s freezing out here.”

He got into the truck and slammed the door shut so hard the whole thing rocked a little.

I shivered in the driveway for two shuddery breaths before I sprinted into the house, closing the door with a quiet click just before the first of a thousand regretful tears poured out in a silent stream. The last thing I heard before I went to wash my face and wish my parents a good night was the sound of Jake’s truck pulling slowly out of the driveway and away from me.

Chapter Sixteen

The weekend went by in a blur. Mom had a ton to do at school, and I had a few projects of my own. I kept staring at my phone, willing it to ring, but it never did. I spent a lot of time turning the thermostat up, adding layers to my flannel pajamas, and making cocoa so hot it burned my tongue and left the tip all raised and bumpy. I didn’t know if it was my general lack of sleep, the sudden cold snap that frosted all the windows, or the empty, gut-wrenching cramp in the pit of my stomach every time I thought of my ride home with Jake and all that was still so wrong between the two of us, but I couldn’t get warm.

Monday morning, I woke up after sleeping like the dead for twelve straight hours and anticipated feeling a little better, but my head felt stuffy and I couldn’t focus. Saxon tried to talk to me on the ride into school and kept asking if I felt okay. I told him I was just tired. I couldn’t remember what the teachers said. Every muscle in my body ached.

Saxon looked over at me during class with a worried expression and revived his threat about carrying me to the nurse, but I convinced him I was just a little tired. I could barely run at track. Coach made me sit out again. I was coughing a little, and there was a pain in my chest. I wanted to cough it out, but it just wasn’t working. I never got sick, so I figured it was just stress and residual exhaustion from jetlag.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much the same. I just couldn’t produce many details about the days. My throat squeezed closed and my tongue expanded like a fat piece of sandpaper in my mouth. Saxon hung close by and tried to force me to go to the nurse, but I didn’t want to miss seeing Jake. Even if he was going to be wrapped around Nikki, I needed to see him. It was like a horrible addiction. He did manage to disentangle himself long enough to hold me by the arm and tell me I looked terrible. I remember his face looked swimmy, but so handsome it made my eyeballs ache. I think I told him that I was fine, not to worry, but I couldn’t be sure.

By the time I got home that night, Mom was there, fussing and worrying over me. I could hardly keep my eyes open to talk to her. I felt like I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t remember when I had last eaten. I heaved a little, drank some cold water from the bathroom sink and went to bed. A hacking cough kept me up for a lot of the night, but in and out of consciousness, I dreamed and it was confusing and boy-filled.