Jumper Cable (25 page)

“He has gone too far,” Eve said grimly.

“And my minor De mon ess Sharon,” Jumper concluded. “Not Pluto, but definitely Pluto’s minion. She offered to marry me if I would quit the mission.”

“Suddenly I’m glad I had to sit out those incidents,” Haughty said. Dawn oriented on Jumper, frowning. “You mean to say that while I was charming the key to the portal to Mundania from King Belial, you were considering marrying his accomplice, Sati Sfaction?”

“Satisfaction!” Eve exclaimed. “You fell for a pun, Jumper! You’ve got dust in your head.”

“And you were making out with a centaur,” Haughty said to Eve.

“I’d hate to say what you got in your pants.”

“I turned her down,” Jumper said quickly, before the imperious females could come to claws. Now both princesses focused on him. “Why did Sharon think you would be interested?” Eve asked.

“Well, she’s a very seductive creature.”

“All of Pluto’s forms and minions are seductive,” Dawn said. “You practiced to resist that, and she knows it. So why did she think you might take it to the next level?”

This was awkward, but he had to answer. “She said that when mortals marry demons, the demons get half their souls and become halfway moral. So then I would be able to trust her, and she would really love me, instead of faking it.”

“And that tempted you?” Eve asked.

He hated this. “Yes. She’s a lot of woman, and a shape changer, so she could be a spider with me. She said that once a man has relations with a De mon ess, no mortal woman will satisfy him. I fear she is right. I don’t think I could find a better match. If only I could trust her.”

“Then you do understand our position,” Dawn said.

“I surely do,” he agreed.

“So you know why we are angry,” Eve said.

“Well, that’s not quite the same. My girlfriend isn’t the same as all your boyfriends. I don’t feel betrayed in the same way.”

“But maybe close enough,” Dawn said.

Jumper was confused. “What are you leading up to?”

“We will need your cooperation,” Eve said.

“My cooperation for what?”

“For our practice for what we have to achieve,” Dawn said brightly.

“What is that?”

“Vengeance,” Eve said darkly.

“I don’t understand.”

“Because you’re not a woman,” Dawn said.

“Who has discovered that her wonderful boyfriend has been six timing her,” Eve said. Oh. “I think I do share your distress, to the extent I am able,” Jumper said. “Of course this was all in the dream, so I know I didn’t really do with her what it seemed I was doing. But I understand that imaginary interactions can have real effects.”

“You do seem to grasp the situation,” Dawn said.

“So that underlying your imaginary experience is a certain burning rage,” Eve said.

“Yes. What do you want me to do?”

Dawn looked around the group. “Just resume manform and tell us what is most effective.”

“Most effective?”

“So we will know how to turn the tables on Pluto,” Eve said. “Next time we encounter him, in any guise.”

Jumper still did not really understand, but he gulped a vial and assumed manform. He looked around for clothing, and Wenda brought him a pair of shorts. “Thank you.” He put them on. At least this time Dawn and Eve had not flashed him. Their mutual anger at Pluto must have distracted them.

Wenda took his hand. “Let’s forage for something to eat, deer,” she said.

“Deer?” he asked, astonished. “Wenda—”

She laughed. “Yew really dew knot understand, dew yew! We’re practicing to seduce yew and win yewr love, the same way those aspects of Pluto did with us. We need to know what works.”

“But I’m not Pluto! I’m not even a real man.”

“So yew should bee a tougher sell than Pluto,” she agreed. “What works on yew should work on him.”

“This seems crazy! I never thought of any of you as girlfriends.”

Though his most secret guilty fancy would have liked to have any of them that way.

“We’re knot,” Wenda said. “But we need to learn to put on a good enough act. Yew need to play along, so we can get it right. Yew must resist our efforts to the best of yewr ability.”

“But how can I play along and resist at the same time?”

“That is the art of it. Yew must pretend to bee interested, but never actually signal the stork.”

“I suppose,” he agreed dubiously. Pretense was another human trait he was struggling to learn.

“That’s wonderful!” She wrapped her arms about him and kissed him.

Suddenly he was intensely aware of her as a living, fully-formed woman. She was very nice to hold and kiss. “That’s effective,” he said faintly.

“Make a note,” Wenda said to the others. “ ‘Deer’ did knot work, but a kiss did.”

“Noted,” Haughty said. “But it might be that ‘dear’ would have worked.”

“That’s the way she says it,” Phanta reminded her. “Any word that has a forest homonym. It’s her nature. He knew what she meant.”

That was true. Wenda had been expressing special affection for him.

“But I gather I am not to believe any expression of romantic interest.”

“That is true,” Maeve said. “So if any of us can seduce you when you know we don’t mean it, that will be the technique we want.”

They really were practicing for seduction, and this was no longer the dream realm. Jumper wasn’t sure how he felt about that. They found a pie tree, and harvested an assortment to take back to the others. Jumper found a crabapple tree with several ripe crabs, which he collected for eating when he was back in spider form.

“Yew’re so smart,” Wenda said, smiling.

This bothered Jumper. “You’re such a nice girl, and I love to see you smile, but paying me fake compliments turns me off,” he said. “I like you best when you’re being natural.”

She clouded over. “I’m sorry.”

“And don’t pretend tears, either,” he said, irritated.

“Of course knot,” she agreed. But her face was wet. That was when he realized she wasn’t faking the tears. She really was a relatively innocent girl, with feelings that could be hurt. He had blown it.

“Wenda, I apologize,” he said. “I

thought—

never mind what I

thought. I’m sorry.”

She turned away. “I’m knot good at this. I will never bee able to fool Pluto.”

He set down his armful of pies and put his arms around her.

“Wenda, please. You are my first friend in this world. I do like you. If things weren’t so complicated, I’d like to be with you. You’re a natural

woodlands creature, and a sensitive sweet girl. But I’m not really a man, and we have the mission.”

She rested her head on his shoulder and sobbed. “I dew like yew too, Jumper. I wish there was knot any mission.”

There it was. The mission was a burden on them both. But what could they do but continue?

After a time they separated. Wenda wiped her face clear and Jumper picked up the pies again. They returned to the others.

“I dew knot want to dew this anymore,” Wenda said. Olive objected. “But we have to find out how to—”

“I dew knot want to fake liking a person I already like,” Wenda said simply.

There was half a silence. Then Maeve stepped forward. “Then I will take over. I have a more vicious nature.” She glanced at Jumper. “You know I’d as soon tear off your foot as kiss you.”

“Yes,” Jumper agreed, though he doubted it. He liked Maeve too, and believed she liked him despite her truly vicious underlying nature.

“So this is sheer fakery.” She hugged him and kissed him. She must have learned how to do it, because it was one savagely effective smooch. He fell back, a quarter stunned. “Fakery,” he agreed. They exchanged a glance, neither fooled. If Wenda was adorable because of her simple innocence, Maeve was attractive because of her fierce passion. She should certainly be able to fake it, when the time came.

There was a horrendous steamy grinding sound. They all jumped up, alert.

It burst into view. It was a small bird.

They stared. How could all this sound be coming from such a small creature?

The bird saw them and paused. “Hello,” he said. “I am Roger Roadrunner.” Then he ran on, and the sounds followed him. It was a hard blacktop road that formed in Roger’s wake.

“Well, it’s going our way,” Dawn said. “It will make it easier to cycle on.”

They ate the pies and resumed riding their bicycles, this time on the

newly paved road. It did seem to be easier for the girls. Maeve rode beside Jumper, and he couldn’t help noticing the way her nice legs flexed when pedaling, and how her nice bosom accented itself because of her forward-leaning position. It didn’t help that he was sure she was making sure he noticed. She was practicing a silent seduction, and it was uncomfortably effective. He felt both guilty and embarrassed: guilty for the stirring desire, and embarrassed that the girls could so readily invoke it.

“Make a note,” he said to Haughty as she flew by.

“Noted,” she agreed, needing no explanation.

They made good progress, until they encountered the dragon. It was a smoker standing on the path facing them. “Beware,” Dawn murmured. “Folk fear fire breathers, but steamers and smokers are just as dangerous. We don’t want to mess with it.” She had surely encountered dragons before, and so knew all about them.

“Pluto must’ve sent it to block our route to Castle Roogna,” Haughty said. “We don’t need a long detour.”

“So it is my job to deal with it,” Jumper said. “I’ll need to change form, so I can use my silk.”

“Don’t bother,” Haughty said. “I know a better way.” She flew forward, right up to the dragon, changing to Hottie Harpie in midair. Before it could exhale a cloud of suffocating smoke, she kissed it smack on the snoot.

The dragon was so surprised and perhaps dismayed that its charge of smoke backfired. Its snoot swelled up like a balloon, its eyeballs bulged, and smoke leaked out of its ears. Then it exploded. Foul smoke roiled in a giant ball, polluting the entire path. The party backed up as the smoke surged toward them. Haughty remanifested and flew, barely escaping it. “Contamination!” she screeched.

“She’s right,” Eve said darkly. “There are trace elements that will get in our lungs, blood, and bones, making our lives miserable. We don’t want to touch that cloud.”

“So we have to detour after all,” Jumper said.

“Yes,” Dawn agreed. “That dragon was obviously sent by Pluto to prevent us from reaching Castle Roogna. It was a Demonic trap: either

the dragon balked us directly, or the toxic cloud formed by its destruction balked us.”

“So if we detour, won’t he send another monster to balk us again?”

Haughty asked.

“Yes,” Eve said. “But now we have been warned. We can try to be better prepared for the next.”

Jumper made a human sigh. They would have to try a new route. They turned their bikes around and retraced their route until they came to a crossing of paths. “Which one do we take?” Jumper asked.

“The one leading to the right,” Eve said after touching it. “It loops about wastefully, but does eventually lead to Castle Roogna. We can still make it by to night if we ride swiftly.”

They took the right path, and rode swiftly along. Sure enough, it looped freely, turning in great circles to cross over or under itself. They couldn’t avoid the loops without getting off their cycles and climbing up or down to the continuation, which would have taken more time than simply cycling on. So they kept going, not completely pleased. They paused for a rest and snack at a wayside stop. Maeve stayed with Jumper as they foraged. “Actually I do like you,” she murmured. “You’re another predator. I would be happy to practice my loving on you, because it’s something I want to know quite apart from vengeance on that wretched Pluto. But we’re in such a hurry now, thanks to the detour, that there’s no time. Unless we have to spend another night on the road.”

“With fortune we’ll make it by nightfall,” he said. But privately he almost hoped there would be another delay.

“That’s nice,” she said, catching him for a kiss.

“But I didn’t say anything.”

“A girl knows. Even a bloodthirsty predator like me. I didn’t really mean what I said about eating your foot.”

“I suspected,” he said.

“I didn’t even have to suppress my urge to bite your mouth when I kissed you.”

“Thank you. You certainly emulate a normal girl well. It’s a good act.”

She kissed him again. “Are you sure it’s an act?”

“No.”

“Then you’re right: it’s effective.”

So it really was an act. He knew that shouldn’t disturb him, but it did. “Yes.”

She put her hand on his. “It’s not an act.”

“Thank you,” he said, relieved.

“Who do you like better: Wenda or me?”

“Will you eat my foot if I answer honestly?”

She laughed, showing her pointed teeth. “Not this time.”

“I like you both, in different ways. She because she is an innocent forest creature, and you because you understand about biting heads off prey.”

“I do indeed! I would do it myself, but my mouth isn’t big enough. But if you had to choose whom to be with, for a night alone together, which of us would you want?”

“I would want both of you, for your different qualities. I respect you both.”

She tried again. “I think we are talking at cross purposes. Which one would you choose to summon the stork with, if you remained in human form?”

Oh. “I still would want you both. You are both quite well formed for your species.”

“I think we do have time for this.” She kissed him again. This time she put her whole body into it, pressing those well-formations on her front tightly against him. He couldn’t help reacting, and knew she knew it. “Now what do you say?”

“Please don’t do that, if you want to save time. You make me want to— to get even closer.”

“Closer than to Wenda?”

“No. I’d like to be with her too.”

She shook her head. “Either you are being diplomatic, or I simply don’t have what it takes to be fully alluring. I haven’t had much practice at this, having usually eaten anything I got that close to.”

“You’re alluring,” Jumper said. “When you rode beside me on the bicycles, I wished I could hold you.”