Joy and Tiers (34 page)

I rake my hand over my face in a gesture of frustration. “Shaky. Okay? There. Are you happy? I admit it. I feel as weak as a kitten. As that lowlife was holding a knife on me, all I could think about was everything we have built together could be gone in an instant and I didn’t even have a chance to tell you goodbye. You would’ve been just like so many others except you would’ve been so much worse off because I haven’t even set you up to be taken care of after I’m gone. It was the worst feeling in the world. I kept playing our relationship over in my head wondering why I had waited so long to make my move. We wasted so much precious time together. All I knew was that I had to get out of there alive so I could tell you I love you every day for the rest of our lives.”

Heather blinks back tears at my unexpectedly emotional confession. “I can’t believe you even had a minute to think about me with all was going on in moment. Honestly, I don’t know how to process what you said. Am I supposed to know how? Is there some innate knowledge the other spouses or partners know I don’t know yet helps them cope? I’m so relieved you’re safe but I’m glad I didn’t know about the knife. Even with what little bit I did know—I was completely freaking out. It was so hard not knowing. I can’t pretend otherwise.”

I watch as a tear slides slowly down her cheek. The salty trail it leaves behind mirrors the cracks of pain in my heart. As unprepared as I was for the sheer joy, contentment and sometimes outright silliness of being in a relationship with Heather, I was equally unprepared for the pain and abject fear as my wall crumbled. Before she came into my life, I was perfectly comfortable being the good-time guy floating along in life pretending like I didn’t give a damn. attitude cost me a shot at college and my athletic career. It was only by the grace of God and through the quick thinking of an Army recruiter that I ended up turning my life around instead of becoming a lost soul like Allan. I had the attitude, risk factors and the recklessness. Thank God for people like my parents and Jeff who never gave up on me even when I tried to push them out of my life. Now, I’ve got one more anchor keeping me grounded if I can manage not to scare her away. If only…

I stand up and pull her into my arms. “I’m sorry, Gidg. I wish I had a magic wand to make all the evil in the world go away, but I don’t. Before I met you, I had a healthy respect for the dangers involved in my job, but to be honest, I really didn’t give it much thought. It never really mattered to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I had a death wish or anything; it’s just no one on the planet—outside of my parents—really cared whether I won the Nobel Peace Prize or turned into caterpillar poop.”

Heather scoffs at me and clicks her tongue at me like a schoolmarm as she argues, “That’s a lie right there. Your friends would care a great deal. I bet the men in your unit would too. You always sell yourself short. A lot of people would be devastated if something happened to you.” 

“I don’t know about that . I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. But what I do know is for the first time in a really long time I feel like I would be missing out on something if I weren’t around. It’s a great feeling to be checked back into my life, but it’s also terrifying. Because as I was so rudely reminded today things can go sideways in a hurry. My mind kept thinking about all of the times I could’ve told you I love you and I didn’t. I’m so sorry I wasted so much time living in my own head.”

“Tyler, quit being so hard on yourself. A relationship takes two people. I wasn’t exactly making it easy. I had my own fears and insecurities to overcome. I learned a valuable lesson today too. I learned if you get deployed, it’s going to be exponentially harder than I ever expected it to be. Based on the time we spent apart during your class, I figured it was going to royally suck; but when you add the danger factor, it takes it to a level beyond what I could possibly understand. I thought I understood what it will be like because I have been hanging out on the military support boards and hanging out down at the station. But, I realize now, I really have no idea what those families are really enduring on a daily basis until now. I guess all I can do is cherish every moment we have together until you’re gone and treasure those moments until you come back.”

“What if I don’t come back? I almost didn’t today. Is it fair of me ask that of you?” I ask in an anguished voice, as I crush her to me in a tight embrace.

“I can’t un-love you. It doesn’t work way. You didn’t ask me to love you. I just did. So, you can’t ask me to fall out of love with you. Besides, love never deals in the realm of fair or not fair. If it did, parents would never have to bury their kids, pets would never die and spouses would never have to say goodbye. If the unthinkable happens and you die, I pray I would remember the amazing joy you brought to my life and somehow gather the strength to move on because I know that’s what you would want me to do,” She murmurs against the side of my face.

“I
would
want you to move on,” I answer in a harsh whisper, against her temple.

“Of course you would, because that’s the kind of person you are. You’re the one who taught me how to fall in love with myself. Because of that, I was able to freely love you. I know you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall. After all you’ve been through, I don’t know how you couldn’t live that way. But, you have to know that for my own sanity, I can’t live that way. There’s still a really big part of me that believes in happily ever after, Disney Princess fairytale endings. I want the kind of love story my grandparents had. When I envision a future with you, I want to think about whatever version of Skype-ing with the grandkids will be happening in fifty years as we’re managing a sprawling ranch somewhere. I don’t know, maybe we may even own some famous bed and breakfast by then— who knows? But the point is, whenever I think about the future, I never, ever see facing it without you in it.”

I kiss her tenderly as I whisper, “Oh Gidget. If only it was that easy, from your lips to God’s ears—”

“I wish it was that easy too. But, is it really going to help anything to focus on all the scenarios that could go wrong? Let’s just dream about how wonderful our life is going to be when we finally can get married, okay?”

“I sorta figured we’d have red dresses since Aunt Tara’s wedding is on Valentine’s Day,” Mindy says twirling around in her peach taffeta dress.

“Red would have been a good choice too. But, I like these. They are understated and elegant like Tara. Besides, they match the flowers on her cake.”

“Does Aunt Tara know that I helped make the leaves on her cake?”

“I don’t know, but I will be sure to tell her that you are the master of gum paste leaves, okay? Can you wash your hands and help me set out chocolate dipped strawberries?”

As I turn to pick up a tray of fruit and place it on the counter of the exclusive country club that Justice Gardner has managed to procure, my purse starts playing the Army fight song. My heart plummets to my stomach as I recognize the special ring tone that Tyler has assigned to his commanding officer. Ty must have left his phone in my purse when he, Aidan and Jeff went to go shoot some hoops in the gym facility this morning. I rush past Mindy as I grab my purse. “Which direction did the guys go?” 

When she points to the back patio area, I take off at a dead sprint. Fortunately, I’m still wearing my bunny slippers as I round the corner of the building and almost run straight into Tyler’s chest. He steadies me as I almost topple over, “Whoa Gidget! You didn’t set the kitchen on fire, did you?” he teasingly asks. His expression instantly sobers as he hears the strident cadence of his ringtone. His complexion pales and he sways slightly. “You have to be eff’n kidding me! Today of all days, really? I swear, they do this just to mess with my head.” As I fish the phone out of my purse, he grabs it from my hand and answers tersely, “Colton.”

He turns away from me so that I can’t hear the other side of the conversation. Reading his tense body language, I catch Aidan’s eye and make a request in sign language, “Take care of him please. I’ll be in the kitchen when he’s ready to talk. He probably needs you guys more than me right now.”

Walking away is excruciatingly difficult. But I can tell from the expression on Tyler’s face that he is having a difficult time keeping it together and the last thing he needs from me is for me to be a clingy-uncertain emotional parasite. It’s not the most flattering description, but that’s what I’m feeling right now. My first instinct is to get into his face and shout, “You’ve done your duty. You’ve gone far above whatever is expected of you. Let someone else go in your place because you’ve already made enough sacrifices for your country.” I know that that’s not what he needs to hear from me right now. So, I need to get some distance and perspective so that I can collect myself and find the right words to say to be the supportive fiancé that I need to be.

I wipe the tears from my face as I walk back into the kitchen to face Mindy and finish putting the dessert plates together for my best friend’s wedding.
I hope Donda used waterproof makeup.
I think randomly.

Mindy looks at me with empathy in her eyes. “It’s bad isn’t it? I just knew it.”

“Honestly, Mindy Mouse, I just don’t know yet. If I had to guess, I suspect you’re probably right. But, I won’t really know what’s up until Tyler tells me.”

“But, Uncle Tyler knows you love him, right?” Mindy pushes.

I chuckle lightly as I respond, “Yes, Little Miss Romance, he knows I love him. I’m wearing an engagement ring.” I flash my shiny ring in front of her so that she can study the beautifully designed diamond surrounded by sapphires and aquamarine stones.

“Ooh your new ring is very pretty. But I heard Dad tell Mom that he got his other girlfriend a ring too and she still didn’t marry him. Are you sure a ring is enough?”

I gasp softly. I always forget how insightful and mature Mindy can be. “I hope so. What else am I supposed to do? It’s Tara and Aidan’s wedding day. This isn’t Vegas or anything.”

Mindy just shakes her head and rolls her eyes at me. “I wish that people would listen to me. I tried to tell you about this earlier. It’s kinda important.”

“As a matter of fact, you did. So, I’m listening now. What do you suggest?” I ask, wishing that I was still in my casual clothes because I suddenly feel like tearing my hair out by the roots. I walk around the kitchen island and peek out the window. Tyler is still on the phone. This cannot be a good sign.

As I turn around to face Mindy, she is regarding me thoughtfully and doodling on a piece of paper. “You know that he has to concentrate to make the bad guys go away?”

I nod, feeling thoroughly confused. “Of course. He’s a soldier—that’s what he does, Mindy.”

“I don’t think you understand. If he doesn’t think that you believe in forever, he can’t concentrate and the bad guys are going to get him.”

“Mindy, we are getting married. We have engagement rings and everything.”

“I know,” Mindy replies with a frown, “but I still have that funny feeling in my stomach. Something tells me that Uncle Ty is still really worried. I think you should do something to make him not so worried before he faces the bad guys. These people make him have super bad nightmares.”

“Oh Sweetie, I’d do anything I could to take Ty’s nightmares away. I’d marry Tyler today if it would make his life easier.”

“So, why don’t you? The Judge-man is gonna be here. Aren’t you already friends? I bet you if you told them it was an emergency, he would do one of those Sybil ceremonies.”

“That’s a spectacular idea and I’m sure Justice Gardner would do his best to help us. But I’m not sure that he would be able to do much about the paperwork. There are certain legal technicalities like the marriage license that need to be taken care of first.”

Mindy crosses her arms in front of her and blows her bangs out of her face as she responds, “Are you going to try to be helpful or just throw obstacles in the way of success?”

The exasperated expression on Mindy’s face makes me laugh out loud. Biologically, she may not be Kiera’s daughter, but she can do a dead-on impression of her sayings, complete with attitude.

I blush a little as I’m taken to task by the preteen. “All right, give me my phone. I’ll text him to see what I can do. But don’t get your hopes up. This gives a whole new meaning to the word last-minute— even for this gang.”