Journey (36 page)

“On the other hand,” Bill went on, wanting to be scrupulously honest with her, so he didn't mislead her, “I don't know if I'm willing to turn the clock back that many years, or even if I'd want to. I'm a lot older than you, Maddy You should be having babies at your age. I should be having grandchildren. This kind of makes me face that. It's something for both of us to think about. I don't think it's even fair for a baby to have a father my age.” She was sad to hear him say it, and she didn't agree with him, but she didn't want to sell fatherhood to him either.

“There's nothing wrong with having a father your age,” she said, believing what she said. “You'd be wonderful with a baby. Or a child. Or anyone.” It was kind
of a crazy conversation anyway, since they weren't even talking about marriage. “We're kind of putting the cart before the horse about all this, aren't we?” They were, but she also had a decision to make about this particular baby, before someone else adopted him, and it became a moot point for Maddy. And she knew she wouldn't go out looking for any other baby. But this was different. He was the product of a life-altering event, and she wasn't entirely willing to ignore that. Andy's sudden arrival in her life felt like an act of fate.

“What do you want to do?” he asked her simply. “What would you do if I didn't exist?” That simplified it for her.

“Adopt him,” she said without hesitation.

“Then do it. You can't live your life for someone else, Maddy. You've done that all your life. I could die tomorrow or next week. We could decide that we're both terrific people but we'd rather be friends than lovers, although I hope not. Follow your heart, Maddy. If it's right for us, we'll work it out eventually. And who knows, maybe I'd love having a kid to play baseball with in my dotage.” She loved him all the more for the way he said it. And she didn't disagree with him. She didn't want to give something up that had perhaps been meant to be. She felt there was a reason why God had given her another chance, not only with Bill, but Lizzie, and this baby.

“Would you think I'm completely nuts if I adopt him? I don't know if I even have a job now. Jack threatened to fire me.”

“That's not the issue here. You'll have a job in the next five minutes, if you don't now. The question is if you want to bring up someone else's child, and take on
that responsibility for the rest of your life. That is something to consider.”

“I am,” she said seriously. He knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't make the decision lightly.

“To answer your question, no, I wouldn't think you're crazy. Brave. And young. And energetic. And incredibly honorable and decent and loving and giving. But not crazy.” It was all she needed to know and it helped her with her decision.

She lay awake thinking about it all night, and in the morning, she called the social worker, and told her she wanted to adopt Andy. The social worker congratulated her, and told her she'd put the paperwork in motion. It was a heady moment in Maddy's life, and first she cried with joy and relief, and then she called first Bill and then Lizzie, and both of them sounded pleased for her, although she knew he had reservations. But if it was going to work with them, she couldn't give up her life's dreams for him either. And she knew he didn't want her to. He just didn't know if he wanted to be coaching Little League baseball at seventy, and she couldn't blame him for that. All she could hope for was that it would prove to be a blessing for everyone, not only for her and Bill, but especially for Andy.

When she left the hospital that day, she was wearing the clothes Bill had bought for her, and she went straight back to his house. She was amazed by how tired she still was, even though she hadn't gotten seriously hurt, the trauma of the explosion at the mall had taken a lot out of her. But she called her producer and promised to go back to work on Monday. And Elliott had called her several times, in awe of what had happened to her, and grateful that she had survived. It seemed
like everyone she'd ever known had sent her flowers at the hospital. It was a relief to be peacefully at Bill's house. And the next day she was going to get her things in spite of Jack's threats that she could keep nothing. She had hired a security guard she knew to go with her. She hadn't heard a word from Jack since she told him she was leaving.

And that evening, she and Bill sat in front of the fireplace and talked for hours, while listening to music. He had cooked her dinner and served it by candlelight. She felt utterly spoiled and pampered. And neither of them could believe their good fortune. Suddenly, she was staying in his house, and she was free of Jack. They had a whole new world before them. Although it felt strange to Maddy. It was suddenly as though Jack didn't exist, and their entire life together had disappeared.

“I guess the abuse group really worked,” she beamed at him. “I'm a big girl now,” but she could still feel tremors of the past from time to time. She worried about Jack, and felt sorry for him, and feared he was depressed over what she'd said, and how ungrateful she appeared to be to him. She had no way of knowing that he had spent the weekend with a twenty-two-year-old girl he had met and slept with in Las Vegas. But there was a lot Maddy didn't know about him, and never would now.

“All it took,” Bill teased, “was blowing up an entire shopping mall to bring you to your senses.” But they both knew how seriously he took it. He had been devastated watching the tragedies all around him as he waited for them to rescue her. But it had been such a shocking thing that they both needed to lighten the moment a little. “When are you getting Andy, by the way?”

“I don't know yet. They're going to call me.” And then she asked him something she had thought of from the moment she decided to adopt Andy. “Will you be his godfather, if you won't be anything else to him?” she asked him seriously and he took her in his arms and held her.

“I'd be honored,” and then after he kissed her, he reminded her of something. “I haven't said I wouldn't be ‘anything else to him.’ We still have to figure that out. But if we're going to have a baby, Maddy, there are a few details we still need to attend to.” She laughed, and understood instantly what he was saying.

They put the dishes in the dishwasher, and turned the lights off, and walked quietly upstairs together, with his arm around her, and she followed him cautiously into his bedroom. She had discreetly put her few possessions in the guest room, not wanting him to feel pressured. She knew from everything he had said to her that there had been no other woman in his life since Margaret's death, but it had been just over a year now. The anniversary of it had been excruciating for him, but he had seemed freer and a little more lighthearted ever since.

She sat on his bed and they talked for a while, about the mall, his kids, Jack, and everything she'd been through. They had no secrets from each other. And as he looked at her, with love in his eyes, he pulled her slowly closer to him.

“I feel like a kid again when I'm with you,” he whispered, which was his way of telling her he was scared, but so was she, though only a little. She knew she had nothing to fear from him.

And when they kissed, all the ghosts of the past fell
away from both of them, or were at least put away for the moment, the good as well as the bad. It was like starting a new life with a man who had been her friend for so long she could no longer imagine a life without him.

It all happened naturally and easily, and they slid into his bed side by side, and lay in each other's arms as though they had always been together. It was as though it was meant to be. And afterward, he held her and smiled and told her how much he loved her.

“I love you too, Bill,” she whispered as he held her. And as they fell asleep in each other's arms, they knew that they were blessed. It had been a long journey through two lives to find each other, but the trip, and the sorrows, and the pain, and even the losses they had both sustained, had been worth it to both of them.

Chapter 23

T
HE SECURITY GUARD
M
ADDY HAD
hired met her at Bill's house the next day, and she explained to him that all she wanted to do was go to the house she had shared with Jack and pick up her clothes. She had enough empty suitcases there to pack them in, and she had rented a van to transport them. She was going to drop them off at the apartment she had rented for Lizzie, and that was all there was to it. The art, the furniture, the mementos, all the rest of it, she was leaving for Jack. She wanted nothing more than her clothes and personal items. It seemed straightforward and simple. Until they got to the house.

The guard was driving the van for her. And Bill had offered to come, but she didn't think it was right, and assured him he didn't need to worry. She figured it would only take her a few hours, and they went after she knew Jack would have left for work. But as soon as she got to the front door, and turned her key in the lock, she knew something was wrong. The door
wouldn't open. The key seemed to fit perfectly, but when it turned, it opened nothing. She tried again, wondering if something was wrong with the lock, and the security guard tried it for her. And then he looked at her and told her the locks had been changed. Her key was useless.

She was still standing outside the house, when she used her cellular to call Jack, and his secretary put her through to him promptly. For a moment, she'd been afraid he wouldn't talk to her.

“I'm at the house, trying to pick up my stuff,” she explained, “and my key doesn't work. I assume you changed the locks. Can we come by the office and pick up the key? I'll bring it back to you later.” It was a reasonable request, and her voice was level and pleasant although her hands were shaking.

“What stuff?” he asked, sounding blank. “You don't have any ‘stuff at my house.” It was an odd way to put it.

“I just want to pick up my clothes, Jack. I'm not taking anything else. You can have the rest.” She also had to pick up the clothes she kept in Virginia. “And obviously I'm taking my jewelry. That's it. The rest is all yours.”

“You don't own the clothes or the jewelry,” he said in a voice that sounded frozen. “I do. You don't own anything, Mad, except whatever you're wearing right now. I paid for it. I own it.” Just like he used to tell her he owned her. But she had seven years of wardrobe and jewelry in the house and there was no reason why she shouldn't have it, except if he wanted to be vindictive.

“What are you going to do with it?” she asked calmly.

“I sent the jewelry to Sotheby's two days ago, and I
had Goodwill pick your things up the day you told me you were leaving. I told them to destroy them.”

“You didn't?”

“Of course I did. I didn't think you'd want anyone else wearing your things, Mad,” he said as though he had done her a big favor. “There's absolutely nothing of yours in that house now.” And even the jewelry didn't represent a big investment to him. He had never given her any really important jewelry, just some pretty things that she liked, and wouldn't bring him a fortune when he sold them.

“How could you do that?” He was such a bastard. She was standing outside the house, stunned by the meanness of what he'd done to her.

“I told you, Maddy. Don't fuck with me. If you want out, you'll pay for it.”

“I have for all the years I've known you, Jack,” she said evenly, but she was shaking from what he had just done to her. She felt as though she'd been robbed as she stood outside their house wearing the clothes Bill had bought for her.

“You ain't seen nothing yet,” Jack warned her. And his tone sounded so sick it scared her.

“Fine,” she said, and hung up and went back to Bill's house. He was there, working on some things, and looked startled that she had returned so quickly.

“What happened? Had he packed it all up for you before you got there?”

“You could say that. He says he destroyed everything. He changed the locks and I never even got in. I called him. He says he's selling the jewelry at Sotheby's, and he had Goodwill destroy all my clothes and personal things.” It was like a fire that had taken everything with it. And she had nothing. It was so cruel and so petty.

“The bastard. Screw him, Maddy. You can buy new things.”

“I guess so.” But somehow she felt violated. And it would be expensive to buy a whole new wardrobe.

She felt shaken by what Jack had done, but in spite of it, they managed to have a nice weekend, and she was bracing herself for an inevitable encounter with Jack when she went back to work on Monday. She knew how difficult it was going to be working for him, but she loved her job, and didn't want to give it up.

“I think you should give them notice,” Bill said sensibly. “There are lots of other networks that would love to have you.”

“I'd rather keep the status quo for now,” she said, though perhaps not sensibly, and he didn't argue with her. She had had enough trauma for one week, between the bombing, and losing everything she owned to her soon-to-be-ex-husband.

But she was totally unprepared for what happened when she went to work on Monday. Bill dropped her off on his way to a meeting with his publisher, and she walked into the lobby wearing her badge and a brave smile, as she prepared to walk through the metal detector. And she instantly saw, out of the corner of her eye, the head of security waiting for her. He took her aside, and explained that she couldn't go upstairs.

“Why not?” she asked, looking surprised. She wondered if they were having a fire drill or a bomb threat or even a threat against her.

“You're not allowed to,” he said bluntly. “Mr. Hunter's orders. I'm sorry, ma'am, but you can't come into the building.” She was not only fired. She was persona non grata. If the guard had hit her it wouldn't have stunned
her more than what he had just said to her. The door had been slammed in her face. She was out of work, out of clothes, out of luck, and for an instant she felt the panic he had intended her to feel. All she needed was a ticket to Knoxville on a Greyhound bus.

She took a deep breath as she walked outside again and told herself that no matter what he did to her, he couldn't destroy her. She was being punished for leaving him. She hadn't done anything wrong, she reminded herself. After all he'd done to her, she had a right to her freedom. But what if she never found a job again, she asked herself, or if Bill got tired of her, or Jack was right and she was worthless? Without thinking, she started walking and walked all the way back to Bill's house, which took her an hour, and when she got there, she was exhausted.