Jodi Thomas (4 page)

Colt didn’t know what to say, he could almost feel his muscles cry out to hold her. He knew what it was like to love someone who didn’t bother to return that love. He’d also been the one who came in second and he’d sworn when his wife left that he’d never throw himself open to that pain again.

“So you packed your bag and ran,” he whispered, remembering how he’d felt that night he’d come home and found Buckles trying to keep three babies from crying. He’d wanted to close himself off and cry also, but there had been no time. He had three children to care for.

“I didn’t run; I just . . . left.” Joanna wished she could look braver in his eyes. “If my father would have allowed me to teach, I never would have answered your ad.”

Colt didn’t move for a long while. He just stared into the rain. His handsome face closed to all feeling as if he were locking away a memory.

Finally he turned to her. “We’d better make a run for it.”

Joanna nodded and lifted her arms. Colt’s hands went around her formally as he lifted her up into his arms. “Ready?” he whispered, and carried her out of the barn and into the rain before she could answer.

Joanna pressed her face against the scarf at his neck and held on tightly as he ran through the rain. She could feel his heart pounding against her side and his arms iron tight around her as he moved through the downpour.

With long strides he bounded onto the back porch and lowered her to her feet. Joanna didn’t move away, but turned to stare into his dark eyes that seemed to burn with an anger far older than their acquaintance.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her breath frosty in the few inches between them.

Without thinking of the consequences, she lifted her hand and pushed the wet hair back from his forehead. He’s really a very handsome man, she thought. Bravery was carved in his jawline as solidly as iron seemed to be molded into his strong arms. “You have an angry fire in your eyes, Captain.”

He moved an inch closer. “And you have cold winter in yours,” he answered. “Tell me, are you made of ice?”

Before he could move away, she closed the distance between them and whispered against his cheek. “I don’t know. No one’s ever come close enough to find out.”

Something deep inside snapped in Colt and he couldn’t resist any longer. He pulled her against him and covered her mouth with his own. He’d taste the winter or feel the fire of this woman before he died of longing to know.

Joanna had been kissed before but she’d never been kissed like this Texan kissed her. There was something wild and demanding in his touch. He held back nothing and he wanted all she would offer. There was no politeness in his hold, only a need so old and deep it resounded from the past and promised into the future.

His kiss deepened with a desire far greater than she’d thought a man like him would ever have. His arms were so tight around her she could hardly breathe.

All her life she’d dreamed of being kissed just once with all the passion in a man. Joanna moved her arms around his neck and ran her fingers into his wet hair. His kiss grew more demanding as he parted her lips.

The cold and rain disappeared around her and all she felt was the warmth of his arms. Her logical mind told her this was only a moment captured outside the reality of their lives, but her heart begged her to take all she could and store it up for the lonely years to come. She gave herself over to the passion of his kiss, willingly drowning in the pleasure.

He pulled away slightly, breaking the kiss but continuing to brush his lips against her cheek. “I . . .”

Joanna turned, her lips blocking his words. She would hear how he was sorry later. She would listen and forgive his rash act, later. Now all she wanted was to feel a man in her arms and believe for once that he was kissing her, only her, and not wishing she were another.

Something rattled, pulling them back to earth. In an instant he was away from her side, leaving only cold and silence between them. He bent to pick up his cape, which had slipped to the porch, as someone opened the backdoor.

“Oh.” Aunt Etta shone a light into the night. “There you are, Joanna. I’ve been waiting up for you.”

Joanna tried to make words form on her lips, but the memory of Colt’s kiss was still fresh.

“We were just seeing to the horses,” Colt mumbled as he straightened and threw the cape over one shoulder. “Quite a night, isn’t it?”

Joanna glanced up at him. The lamplight reflected in his dark eyes, making them seem full of fire. He held her gaze silently, willing her not to look away.

“Well, you two better get in out of this weather.” Aunt Etta stepped back into the house, taking the light with her.

As Joanna followed she felt Colt’s light touch at her waist. A touch that lasted only a moment, but told of his nearness. She wanted to look back and see if the kiss had meant as much to him as it had to her, but she made herself march forward. She’d spent enough years being hurt when she took a second glance; for once in her life she wanted to remember only the beauty of a moment and not look too deep for a love that might not be there.

“You’ll never guess what came while we were at the party.” Aunt Etta moved to the table and lifted a telegram from atop the Bible.

“What is it?” Joanna had no doubt Aunt Etta had already read the contents.

“It’s from Milton.” Etta smiled, her eyes cutting to Colt. “It says he’s coming.”

“But how could he know where I am?”

“Your father must have told him when we sent for your things.”

“It’s impossible.”

Joanna thought she heard a mumbled curse before Colt’s bedroom door slammed.

Chapter Five

Joanna read the telegram for the tenth time then tossed it into the fire, wishing she could get rid of Milton so easily. She couldn’t believe he was coming. She’d known him all his life, and he hated leaving his land. The thought that her father might have increased the acreage again if he married her crossed Joanna’s mind. Her father had started worrying about her marital status when she’d been eighteen, but he hadn’t decided to do anything about it until she turned twenty-two. From that summer on he’d made no secret of promising land to any young man who won her hand.

Looking out the window at the cold February morning, Joanna remembered what he’d said the day she’d left. “I won’t have you wasting away like my sister, Etta. You’re getting married today or there’ll be hell to pay.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she remembered the look on Etta’s face when her father had said those words. Aunt Etta had never been anything but kind and giving. She hadn’t deserved the pain reflected in her eyes when she’d looked around praying for a place to hide.

Milton was the same kind of man as her father, God-fearing and hardworking. He loved the land more than he ever would a woman, no matter if she was his wife, daughter, or sister. Joanna would live alone before she’d marry such a man.

Only now Milton was coming. What did he hope to do? Drag her back home like a runaway child? Well, she was old enough to know her own mind and decide her own future.

“Want some apple pie?” Aunt Etta shouted from the kitchen.

“No, thanks,” Joanna answered. She smiled toward the doorway to the kitchen. She’d never seen her aunt so happy. For once she wasn’t helping in someone else’s kitchen, she was the queen in her little world.

“Then I think I’ll take it over to Abe, I mean Sergeant Buckles!” Etta shouted back. “He’s working in the captain’s office next door, and you know how he loves my pies.”

Joanna smiled. “Everyone loves your pies. Ask him while you’re there if he’s seen the captain. It’s been three days.” She didn’t want to think of the real reason Colt had been staying away from the fort. He’d left a note the morning after the dance that said he had to ride out to check on a report of trouble at an Indian camp to the north.

Aunt Etta opened the door with her free hand. “I’ll be back before the girls wake up from their nap.”

Joanna waved. This was getting to be a habit of Etta’s . . . visiting Sergeant Buckles. To be honest the two had a lot in common. They were about the same age and both had spent their lives taking care of others.

Joanna made herself stay busy as the evening passed. She taught the girls to write the word
Texas
and cut out a paper shape of the state.

After they’d been tucked in for the night with one of Aunt Etta’s stories about how she saved a family from a tornado in the middle of a snowstorm, Etta went to bed, and as always, Joanna poured herself the last cup of coffee.

She curled into the rocker and watched the fire. She’d spent the past three days thinking of what she’d tell Milton. But before he came, she had to talk with Colt and tell him she was sorry about the kiss. Maybe if he believed that little lie, he’d allow her to stay on as tutor.

Joanna was almost asleep when the door creaked open. Colt looked exhausted as he moved in from the cold. For a moment he didn’t seem to see her as he crossed to the fireplace. He stretched and removed his coat. His broad shoulders rippled with muscles as he locked his fingers and reached into the air.

When he turned his back to the fire, he saw Joanna. A hundred emotions seemed to cross through him, kaleidoscoping in his eyes. For a moment she thought he was going to reach for her and pull her against him, but slowly he forced the hardness into his face.

“I thought you’d be gone by the time I got back.” His words were as cold as the wind. “Your month will be up by the end of the week.”

“Am I fired?” Joanna stood.

“Of course not,” he snapped. “I only figured your man would have come by now.”

“He’s not my man.” She forced herself to keep her voice low. “I’m quite satisfied with my employment here, unless you have some objection, Captain.”

He watched her closely as though he didn’t trust her response. “No objection,” he whispered, locking his hands behind him. “Only, I half wish you were on the train back to Ohio.”

Joanna felt the pain of his words all the way to her soul. “You do?”

“Yes,” he answered as he moved away from the fire and into the shadows. “There’s trouble coming. Big trouble, and I wish I knew you were somewhere safe.”

Joanna closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling. He hadn’t wanted her gone, only safe.

He moved between her and the fire as he lifted his coat and rifle. “Well, we’d best get some rest. Tomorrow’s likely to be a busy day.”

As he straightened he looked into her blue eyes and saw the tears. Suddenly his formal manner was forgotten. He dropped his coat and moved closer to her. “Don’t be afraid,” he whispered. “You have to know I’d protect you and the girls with my life.”

Joanna pushed the tear away from her cheek with her fingertips. How could she tell him that it wasn’t the fear of an Indian attack that frightened her, but the thought that he would send her away if he could?

I’m playing silly games with myself, she thought. I let myself believe that one kiss could mean something between two people. He probably thought it was nothing, not even worth mentioning.

Colt took a step toward her, then backed away. “I’m sorry I mentioned the Indians. We won’t know anything until tomorrow. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Joanna pulled the ribbons of her pride together. “I wasn’t worried about an attack.” She moved to her bedroom, suddenly wanting to be alone.

The captain didn’t follow. “Miss Whiddon,” he whispered before she reached the door. “About the other night. I didn’t plan what happened on the porch.”

“I know,” she whispered, wondering why he didn’t just say he was sorry and that it would never happen again. The best kiss in her life and he felt he had to apologize for it. “Good night, Captain,” she whispered as she hurried into her bedroom. She thought she heard him start to say something, but her heart couldn’t bear an explanation of what had been magic to her.

She pulled off her robe and curled up beside her aunt as she fought back the sobs. What a mess she’d gotten herself into. She could list his shortcomings all night long, but Joanna had to face one fact. She’d fallen in love with Colt and all he wanted was a tutor for his children.

She closed her eyes and drifted into sleep. Far into the night she dreamed she heard him call her name. Then he touched her shoulder gently and she came fully awake, realizing she wasn’t dreaming.

“Joanna,” he whispered. “I need to talk with you.”

She crawled from the bed and followed him to the main room. She knew her hair was wild around her shoulders, but his tone was too urgent to delay.

When they reached the fireplace, he stooped to add a log. When he stood, he was only inches from her. “I just got word that we may be attacked at dawn.”

Joanna sucked in her breath.

“Don’t worry,” he quickly continued. “We’re better armed and protected than you might think, but I need your help. Can you wake your aunt and the girls? Try not to excite them but get them dressed and over to the mess hall within the hour. There’s a cellar under the building and I think it will be the safest place for you all.”

Joanna nodded and turned to follow his orders, but his sudden grip on her hand pulled her back.

“One other thing. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how I had lied to you.” He pulled her gently toward him. “I’m not sorry about the kiss.”

Joanna looked up into his black eyes that reflected the firelight. “Neither am I,” she whispered.

Colt relaxed his grip. “I’ll promise you it won’t happen again. It wouldn’t be fair to you. You have to understand one thing about me, Joanna, I no longer believe in love.”

Suddenly the air seemed thick between them. She had trouble breathing with him so close. “I’d better get the girls, Captain Barnett,” she mumbled, and stepped away, wishing she was strong enough to hit him and make him believe in her.

Colt’s face hardened into a mask. “Thank you, Miss Whiddon.” He was all officer now. None of the man she’d held that rainy night remained.

Half an hour later Aunt Etta was walking toward the mess hall with the girls following her like little ducks. She carried a huge basket of food in one hand and Joanna’s Bible in the other. “Come along, girls. We’re going on a picnic just like I did the winter of the great dust storm that blew away half the livestock in Ohio. Just wait and see, it’s going to be great fun.”

Joanna brought up the rear, her arms loaded with blankets. She’d never loved her aunt more than she did right now. She knew Etta had never been on any adventures except in her mind, but somehow it didn’t matter in the least.

Sergeant Buckles met them at the door. “Captain says to set up in a corner here on the ground floor. If any trouble starts, then you can move to the cellar.”

Joanna nodded. “I’ll go ahead and take the blankets down now and save you the trouble.”

Aunt Etta handed Buckles her basket. “That’s wonderful news. Now we can cook in the mess kitchen. Have you got the coffee on?”

The sergeant looked confused. “Coffee?”

“Of course.” Etta took the lantern from his hand and shooed the girls toward the kitchen. “Everyone knows men have to have coffee to be wide-awake at dawn. Hurry up, we don’t have more than an hour before sunup.”

Joanna walked from sentry to sentry, carrying the pot of coffee in one hand and cups in the other. Each man told her she should be back inside but thanked her for the hot brew. When she finally reached the captain’s post, she had only one cup left.

“What are you doing out here?” His voice was laced with anger . . . and concern.

“I had to bring coffee,” Joanna said as if the words made some sense.

“But we may be attacked!” Colt was so angry he sloshed the hot liquid over his fingers.

Joanna wiped his hand. “Oh, I’m not afraid,” she whispered. “I don’t believe in Indians.”

Colt pulled his hand away. “You’ve gone as crazy as your aunt Etta with all her tales.”

“Not at all,” Joanna countered. “If you can’t believe in love, I can’t believe in Indians.”

Colt raised one dark eyebrow and stared at her. “Not believing in love doesn’t get you killed.”

“Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside a man’s heart can dry up and blow away.”

“Would you rather me believe in your Valentine’s Day? In hearts and flowers and all that nonsense?”

“It’s better than dying inside and refusing to feel anything.”

Colt’s voice was low, filled with anger and pain. “This advice is coming from a woman who ran away from marriage? Who gave up a man she thought she loved because she didn’t think he loved her enough?”

Joanna’s free hand balled into a fist. She’d never wanted to strike someone as much as she did him. She’d told him why she’d taken the job in trust and now he was throwing that trust in her face.

“Maybe, Miss Whiddon”—Colt’s voice was only for her ears—“you don’t know as much about men as you think you do. Whatever gave you the idea I’m dead inside?”

He tossed his coffee in the dirt and handed her the empty cup. “Take my advice and get back inside where it’s safe.”

“Is that an order, Captain?”

“You’re damn right.” Before she could say another word, he’d turned his back to her.

Joanna stormed back to the mess hall, wishing the Indians would attack. She was angry enough to whip the lot of them.

If Captain Colt Barnett didn’t get killed today, she just might do the job herself tonight.