Jock Auction (28 page)

Jackson nodded. “I had a couple of girlfriends, but it always felt wrong somehow.

Like my life was two-dimensional maybe. No depth there.” He ran his hand back

through his close-cropped hair. “Then I met this older guy, and it just…clicked.”

“I still like girls, I think.” I thought about it as I said it, weighing it in my mind to see just how much it actually felt true. “But being with Craig doesn’t feel weird or unnatural.”

“Someone might say you jumped in pretty fast, dude,” he observed. I nodded,

could see his point. Part of me still thought it was crazy fast too.

“I was flattered at first. That’s why I, well…y’know. Responded in kind. But then

it was, like, this person had feelings for me and saw me in a certain way, and that made me look at him in this new way myself because he had to be interesting somehow.

Interesting because he saw me in a way that I didn’t see myself.”

I shrugged, glanced over to see Jackson watching me. “So then it just all

happened, and I let myself do it rather than overthinking it, which was probably the right thing to do, really.”

Jackson paused, then nodded. “I guess I always knew I was different from Jake.

Even though I wasn’t feminine or anything like that, it was just like there was

something unique there where everything else felt like the same between us. And, I don’t know, maybe it’s because we’re twins and you cling to anything that helps

distinguish you, but I never felt bad or resented the fact that I had that difference.”

He drained his glass, spun it slightly on the tabletop.

“And then of course I realized what it meant and just how it made Jake and I

different. But by that point we were already at different high schools, and I was already doing the wrestling, and it didn’t take much to get to grips with the idea that, hey, I could like guys as well and not have to look at myself differently all of a sudden.”

“What about your parents?”

Jackson frowned, remembering. “They were…surprised. At first, I mean. They

didn’t understand. Blamed themselves for being too distant, giving Jake and I too much JOCK AUCTION | 199

independence.” He gestured around at the room. “I mean, all four of us live here, my mom and dad, Jake and me, but sometimes it feels like two pairs who just so happen to be under the same roof. If that makes any sense.”

I nodded, though I found it hard to imagine my own parents giving me the sort of

freedom the twins seemed to enjoy.

“They step in if our grades slide, or if one of us screws up so massively that they notice it has happened,” he continued. “But they’re not helicopter parents, buzzing around us all the time. Not for the past few years, anyway.”

“Jake seems okay with it,” I observed. Jackson snorted.

“Little shit told me it was more girls for him and now he didn’t have to worry

about the only person almost as pretty as he was making competition.” I could imagine Jake saying it. “I think he kinda knew beforehand, though; it was just hearing me

confirm it, really.”

“Did you have a boyfriend then?” I asked. Jackson shook his head.

“No, not then. Took me a while. I liked looking at guys, and I got hard thinking

about them, but I never really had much luck with dating.”

Looking at him now, I found that hard to believe. Maybe he guessed what I was

thinking.

“Oh, sure, if I wanted physical stuff I could’ve gone out and gotten it. But people looked at me and they assumed I was straight, and even the guys who thought I might be gay didn’t want to approach me in case they were wrong and I got, I dunno, crazy offended and pounded the crap out of them. So I had to make the first move, and I

wasn’t really sure how to go about that. So it was just me and the Internet and my hand for a long time.”

It was my turn to burst out laughing; Jackson had an expression that looked both

coy and dirty at the same time.

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“Too much information, dude,” I told him, wondering if he knew that I was

actually getting a minor thrill from imagining it. The wiggle of his eyebrows in response made me suspect he might.

My phone buzzed, distracting me. Part of me hoped it might be my parents,

realizing they’d been idiots and wanting to coax me home with apologies and open

arms. It wasn’t a disappointment that it was Craig, though, even if I still felt sort of heavy and tired inside from how the day had taken an unexpected turn.

“That’s gotta be the boyfriend. First time I’ve seen you smile properly all day.

Well, apart from when you were watching me in those videos.”

Busted. Just a little, anyway.

You okay?
Craig’s text read. I quickly thumbed out a reply.
Talking with Jake’s bro
Jackson. Day has been weird.

“He can come over if you want him to,” Jackson told me. “Jake won’t mind

either.”

Suddenly, the thought of having him next to me was overwhelmingly tempting.

What Craig had said before, about giving me time to decompress and think about

something other than sexuality, had made perfect sense at the time. But it was pretty clear that, no matter what my intentions, the emotions were still too raw for me to ignore them.

“I don’t know, man; I don’t want to intrude. Won’t your parents mind?”

The wrestler chuckled. “Trust me, they probably wouldn’t even notice you were

here. But it doesn’t matter either way; they’re both out of town for work.”

It was all sounding perfect, but I still wasn’t quite sure. “I’m already taking

advantage…” I started.

Jackson shook his head, pushed me in the shoulder playfully.

“Shut up, dude. Like I said, Jake and I have got your back, and that goes for your guy too.”

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I could feel the tears welling up again—was I going to be on this hair trigger

forever?—and tried to preempt them by taking a gulp of my own drink. If Jackson

realized, he was discreet enough not to comment.

“I appreciate that; you have no idea. But I’d have to go pick him up, he doesn’t

have a car.”

Jackson shrugged. “So we let Jake pick him up. ‘Bout time that lazy-ass twin of

mine did something helpful.”

I sent Craig a quick message explaining the plan, and—after a brief back and forth of him demurring, which I could tell he was doing out of politeness rather than not wanting to see me—eventually Jackson was calling Jake and telling him he was on cab duty. I couldn’t hear the other end of the conversation, but it didn’t sound like he had much of a problem with it.

Maybe it was just my ramped-up emotions, but I found myself getting more and

more worked up as the evening went on, knowing Craig was coming. I tried to make

small talk with Jackson, joked around well enough, but there was a growing knot in my chest that lurched bigger every time I checked the time.

I almost bolted off the couch when I heard a key in the door. And then Craig stood in the doorway, looking a little awkward perhaps at the unfamiliar place and the new people, and I couldn’t help it, I had to get up and grab hold of him. Hugging his narrow body, pressing my lips against the side of his neck. I knew Jackson and Jake were

undoubtedly watching, but I didn’t care.

“I missed you,” I whispered, mouth close to his ear. Craig squeezed me.

“You okay?”

I nodded, just a small movement. “Been better, but having you here makes it

easier.”

Eventually I remembered my manners, peeled myself off Craig, and turned to

Jackson.

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“Jackson, this is Craig; Craig, meet Jackson, Jake’s brother.” Jackson stood up and extended his hand, then pulled Craig into a hug. I could imagine Craig’s surprise; he didn’t seem particularly tactile, aside from with me.

“Good to meet you, man,” Jackson was saying. “Hope my brother didn’t freak you

out with his damn-awful driving.”

Jake protested loudly, and we all laughed. I couldn’t get over how delicate Craig

looked next to Jackson. Admittedly, he was always going to be dwarfed by a wrestler, but seeing them standing together—my boyfriend’s slender form emphasized by his

skinny jeans and simple black T-shirt—really struck home the difference. It left me wanting to wrap him in my arms again and take care of him, somehow.

“I’m a good driver!” Jake was still protesting. “Unlike some, I don’t take my eyes off the road whenever there’s a cute guy walking past.”

Jackson sighed. “Maybe not, but heaven protect anybody in the car with you in

the summer. All those hot girls in tiny shirts; every day I’m surprised you’ve not written that car off.”

Jake grinned bashfully, though not at all guiltily, and gave his twin the finger.

“You hungry, Craig?” Jackson asked.

Craig shook his head. “Already eaten, but thanks.”

I pulled him down next to me on the sofa, snaked my arm round his hips, and

drew him in close. I caught what looked like an approving glance from Jackson and a mildly entertained one from Jake, but it felt good to be able to be touchy-feely and not have to worry what people around us were thinking.

We watched a dumb movie, Craig eventually migrating from sitting next to me to

resting with his head in my lap, my fingers carefully trailing through his hair. I hadn’t been able to fully push the thought of my parents’ reaction from my mind, but it was helping: Craig, the twins, the ostensible normality of the situation even if it had been prompted by a very unusual day.

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“Let me show you guys the spare room,” Jake told us, maybe noticing Craig’s

attempts to hide his yawns, and led us upstairs. It was a simple room, obviously

doubling as a study, but the bed was a decent size even with two in it. A connecting door led to a shared bathroom.

Jake clicked on the bedside lamp. “Look, you guys are totally welcome, okay?

Kyle is my brother on the team, and that means I’ve got his back. You too, Craig.”

I felt Craig’s hand squeezing mine. “Thanks, Jake,” I told him. “That means a lot.”

He shrugged, then stepped a pace forward and wrapped me in an unexpected

hug. I patted his back, flashbacks of Jackson holding me as I sobbed just a few hours earlier fresh in my mind. When he let me go, he turned to Craig.

“G’night, dude,” Jake said, smiling, and then to what I knew would be Craig’s

surprise grabbed him and hugged him too. My boyfriend looked a little shocked when he finally let him go.

“They seem nice,” he said, as soon as Jake closed the door. I nodded.

“The best. I had a really good talk with Jackson; he’s not a dumb jock.”

Craig frowned a little. “I never said he was. In fact, I’d never say that about

someone.”

I sat on the edge of the bed. “I know you wouldn’t.” I ran my hands across my

face. “It’s just been a weird one, y’know? My parents are meant to be the supportive ones, and they turn out to be the assholes. Whereas the jocks you might think would be homophobic end up being the biggest supporters.”

Craig grinned at me. “Well, jocks usually are supportive,” he joked. I rolled my

eyes.

“Oh, no, you’re not turning this into a dress-up session. Anyway, I don’t think I

have one with me.”

He shrugged, pouted. “Think Jackson would lend you a wrestling singlet?”

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My expression must’ve looked suitably horrified, because he immediately held up

his hands.

“Okay, okay, I’m joking! But you’d look so hot in one…”

“He’s got one that turns half-transparent when you get it wet,” I told him.

“I’m not going to ask how you know that,” he replied, sitting down on the bed

next to me. We were quiet for a moment.

“Look, Craig,” I started, trying to formulate the sentences in my head and

struggling. “I know it’s a weird question, but would you still be interested if, well, if I wasn’t a jock?”

I looked down at my hands, suddenly terrified of hearing the answer to the

question I’d only just asked.

“I don’t love you because of your body, Kyle,” Craig told me, voice quiet. “Oh,

sure, I think you’re absolutely gorgeous. But you’re an incredible person, and that’s what I find most attractive.”

I explained what Jackson had said earlier, about finding it difficult to meet guys who didn’t simply see him as a conquest to boast about. Craig sighed.

“Okay, I’m going to ignore the fact that you’re basically suggesting I’m potentially as shallow as one of those guys. I’m sorry Jackson has had a shitty time of it, but that doesn’t mean the only guys who fall for people who play sports are jock fuckers.”

“I know, but—”

“But nothing, Kyle. Are you fit and do you have a beautiful body? Sure, of course

you do. I’m not blind, and I’m not going to say that I don’t take pleasure in looking at you and touching you and having sex with you. I’m an eighteen-year-old guy, after all.

But I also know that you’re kindhearted, and open-minded, and that you stand up for people when they need help, and that you’re brave and honest and all the things I want from a boyfriend. Someone to share a life with, not just share a bed with.”

“Or a car seat,” I added.

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He grinned. “Yes, or a car seat, or a shower. Just because we’re horny sometimes,

though, it doesn’t mean the times when we’re with each other not having sex are any less legitimate.”

I took his hand, ran my fingers down his own slender digits, and traced gentle

circles on his palm.

“I’ve just been thrown a bit by everything today,” I tried to explain. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Craig smiled again, ran his other hand up the short hairs at the nape of my neck.

“You didn’t offend me. And I completely get that you feel rejected today, by people who should never reject you. So I need you to know that I’m not just here because you have amazing abs and a perfect ass.”