Jocelyn's Choice (12 page)

It was only a few days after Halloween, and already the mall was decorated for Christmas. I hadn't been out much in the last few months. I tried to keep a low profile, just going to work and sometimes to the library, but for the most part, I tried to stay out of teen hangouts. Today's trip to the mall was a necessity. I needed new bras; my new boobs didn't fit in my old ones. I couldn't order them on the Internet. I had no idea what size I'd wear, and I needed to try them on.

I wanted to get in and out, but my constant need to pee slowed me down. I hit the bathroom one last time before heading home for a much-needed nap, but that stopped proved to be a huge mistake. As I exited the bathroom and headed for the escalator, I heard Evan calling me. I froze, afraid to turn around, but I had no choice. I had to face him.

"Jocelyn! Wait up."

I stood still for a moment, and then slowly turned and looked at him. He was just as stunning as he’d always been—his hair purposely disheveled, his clothes neatly pressed and ever so stylish, and then there was his smile. That smile always made me feel better. For just one second when our eyes met, I completely forgot I was supposed to be hiding from him.

"Jocelyn, where have you—?" He abruptly stopped, his gaze falling on my stomach.

"Hey."
Totally lame response!

Jocelyn?" I saw the confusion on his face.

"Evan." I smiled. What else was I supposed to do?

"Oh my God." He gasped. "This is why you stopped calling me."

"I didn't mean, well, I was going to tell you, but—"

"Alex?" he asked. "He doesn't know?"

I shook my head.

"Now I see why you stopped talking to him, but why would you do that?
How
could you do that to him?"

"I, well, I'm going to tell him, but I wanted to wait for him to come home," I stuttered. "I didn't want him worrying about me."

"Worrying about you?" he said. "You're pregnant."

No shit, Sherlock!

"I know," I said. "But I didn't want him to come home because he felt like he had to."

"So you shut him out?" He was angry, and I understood why.

"I was afraid," I said. "I wasn't sure what to do. And I knew if I kept talking to him, he would wonder why I stopped talking to you. I knew you'd tell him."

"He thought you found someone else," he said. "He didn't think you were going to wait for him."

"Evan, I know this looks bad, but I was only thinking about what was right for Alex." I tried to defend the choices I'd made. "I have every intention of telling him."

"He's coming home tomorrow."

"What? I thought he was coming home closer to Thanksgiving?"

Tomorrow?

My stomach started to hurt, and I grew lightheaded. My heart was so full of love for him, and thinking that I could see him in twenty-four hours made me smile, but then I realized he could react the same way Evan was, probably worse.

"He finished up early, so he's coming home," Evan said. "And you better get in touch with him immediately."

"I will," I said. "In a few days, after he gets settled."

"No," he snapped. "I'll give you tomorrow, but after that, I'll tell him myself."

"Evan, please don't be mad at me." My eyes blurred with the tears that threatened to spill. "I've missed you so much." I hated being so emotional, but I really did miss him, and my nerves were shot.

"Joce, don't cry," he whispered and touched my hand. "You just hurt us all so much, and we didn't know why. You shouldn't have tried to hide this from us."

"I know, but I was scared. I was afraid if I kept calling him, I'd eventually tell him."

Before Evan could reply, I saw Brenna and Julia approaching us, loaded down with designer shopping bags. I looked like a dishrag compared to them. They looked as if they just stepped off the runway. My clothes were worn and hardly fit, my sneakers were dirty, and I didn't have a jacket to hide my stomach. I hadn't bought any maternity clothes, because I was trying to save my money, but now I wished I looked a little neater.

"Evan, please." I begged.

"I won't tell them, but they might figure it out." He frowned.

"Well, look who it is," Brenna said, raking me with her gaze.

Julia whispered something in her ear, and they both smiled. No doubt they were making fun of me.

"Brenna." Evan warned. "Don't start."

"Hello, Jocelyn." Julia smiled.

I nodded.

"It looks as if my brother dodged a huge bullet with you," Brenna said with a smug look on her face. "How long after he went back to Yale did you find some idiot to knock you up?"

"Brenna!" Evan hissed.

"No, Evan, it’s okay," I said. I was just glad that Brenna was too stupid to figure it out. "I have to go now."

"Were you cheating on Alex the whole time?" Julia asked.

"What? No!" I said. "I could never do that to him."

But I could hide a pregnancy from him! Yep, this is lookin' better and better.

"I'm not complaining." She smiled. "I'm glad he came to his senses, and I told him that last weekend when I went to visit him."

"You went to Connecticut?" I asked, trying not to sound disappointed, but I was heartbroken.

"Yes, and I spent the whole weekend with him. He's as charming as ever."

"She went with Brenna and Ryan," Evan said. "It was hardly a romantic getaway."

Julia made a face at him.

I felt sicker by the minute, and I was sure my face was pale. I swayed a little, and Evan grabbed my arm.

"You look a little woozy," he said. "Do you want to sit down?"

"No." I faked a smiled. "I have to go."

"I do too," Julia said. "Alex's coming home, so I was thinking a trip to Victoria's Secret is in order."

"Oh, perfect," Brenna said. "I haven't surprised Ryan with something new in a few weeks."

"Jocelyn," Julia said. "Maybe you should look into a new wardrobe while you're here." She looked me over, lingering a few seconds on my stomach before snickering and shaking her head.

I could feel my face burning up. I was trying really hard not to puke all over anyone. And a new threat just entered the mix. I had to tell Alex before Dumb and Dumber spilled the beans and left him with the wrong idea.

"Evan," Brenna barked. "We'll meet you for lunch in a half an hour."

"Fine." He sighed.

I waited for them to walk away, and then I said, "Please don't tell Alex."

"I won't; I promise." He nodded toward Julia and Brenna. "But you're going to have to do it and soon."

"I know." I looked down at my swollen feet.

Evan took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I’m here for you now," he whispered. "I would have been here the whole time."

"I know." I smiled. "I missed you."

"I'll call you tonight," he said. "You better not avoid me. I'll just show up on your doorstep."

"I won't," I said. "Talk to you later." He gently kissed my cheek, and then flashed me his signature panty-dropping smile before taking off. I really
had
missed him.

Talk about a mall trip from hell, I thought as I headed through the double doors and out into the parking lot; all I wanted to do was go climb under a rock somewhere. I climbed into my car, rested my head against the headrest, and closed my eyes. Alex would be home tomorrow. It was what I’d been waiting for. Soon, he'd know just what he'd left behind.

I smiled when I pressed my hand to my stomach. My little one was moving around while thoughts of Alex ran through my head. In a few days, he would be able to feel his baby moving inside me. I just hoped he could forgive me for shutting him out.

Twenty minutes had passed since I’d run into Julia and Brenna, and since Alex wasn't blowing up my phone, I figured they hadn't told him yet. I decided to be proactive. I called him, but I got his voicemail.

"
Hey, Alex . . . it's, um, me, Jocelyn. I know we haven't talked in a while, but Evan said you were coming home tomorrow, so I was hoping we could talk. Maybe you could call me when you get in? Um, well, I hope you're okay. 'Bye."

As reality set in, I realized I messed up. Exactly what I knew would happen, did happen. Someone else found out—the worst someone who
could
have found out—and very soon, she'd be blabbing her mouth to Alex.
Why didn't I just tell him?

I hung up with Evan, sheer panic rising from my gut as I paced the living room.

Alex hadn’t returned my phone call, and according to Evan, it hadn't taken Brenna and Julia long to tell him they’d bumped into me at the mall.

Only after they'd seen the look in Alex’s eyes as he took in the news did Julia and Brenna finally realize I was having
his
baby.

Idiots!

Evan tried to calm him down, but he took off and was headed straight for me.

In a few minutes, everything could all be over. Alex was on his way to confront me, and one way or another, I’d know how he felt. The loud banging on the door jolted me, and I knew it was time to face the consequences of my decisions.

I slowly pulled the door open and stepped out onto the porch. Shock showed clearly on his face when he looked down at my stomach. He closed his eyes and shook his head. There was no way it had sunk in yet for him.

"Hey, Alex." I smiled; no matter what had happened, I was really happy to see him.

"You don’t seem that surprised to see me."

"Evan called and told me you were on your way," I said. "Do you want to come in?"

He nodded, followed me to the living room, and sat down on the couch. Neither one of us said anything for a few minutes, and the silence wore on my nerves.

"Why, Jocelyn?" he yelled, and his anger frightened me. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Alex, I . . . ." I paced the room again, even more nervous than when I'd first opened the door. "It was so unexpected."

"Yeah, I get that, but eventually, you had time to figure it out, so why didn't you let me in on it?"

I shook my head. I should have been prepared for this conversation, but I wasn’t.

"You cut off all communication," he snapped. "It wasn't as if I was going to figure out you were pregnant via text message, so why?"

"I don't, I mean, I'm not sure," I said.

"You’re not sure of what? Me?"

He looked as if he wanted to scream, hit something, break apart the room, but then he looked up at me. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling and pressed my shaking hands against my thighs.

"Jocelyn," he whispered. He stood and reached for my hands.

"I’m sorry, Alex," I cried. "I wanted, I mean, I was going to tell you." I felt so helpless.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head.

"Shh, beautiful." He tried to soothe me. "I’m here now."

"Alex." My body shook against his chest as I tried to hold back the sob that wanted to escape my throat. I held him as tightly as I could. He pulled me a little closer and pressed his lips to my temple. God, I'd missed his touch.

"I’m sorry," I said again because I really was.

"It’s okay." He tilted up my chin and lowered his lips to mine. He gently kissed me, moving his lips against mine before deepening the kiss. I relaxed against him for the first time since I opened the door and allowed him to indulge me for a few seconds, but then I pulled away and shook my head. He smelled of something sweet, possibly a woman's perfume, and the odor suddenly made me sick to my stomach.

"No," I whispered.

He nodded as he released me and backed away. He looked disappointed.

"I’m overwhelmed," I said. "I’ve been waiting for you to come home, and I wanted to tell you about the baby myself."

"Why didn’t you?" He ran his hands through his hair and exhaled loudly.

"I didn’t want to tell you over the phone," I said. "And I didn’t want you to give up your internship."

"That wasn’t your call to make," he said, more harshly than I expected.

But I understood his reaction. I'd kept important information from him, decided on my own he didn't need to know, and then I wasn't the one who told him. If I had to do it all again, I definitely would've gone about it another way. But I couldn't change the past, and now we were going to have to move forward from there.

"I’m sorry."He spoke more softly. "I guess I’m overwhelmed too."

"Let’s sit down." I motioned for him to sit next to me. "You probably have plenty of questions for me."

"When did you find out?"

"A couple of weeks after you left," I told him. "I kept getting sick, but I thought it was because you were gone."

"Do you still get sick?"

"Yes." I laughed.

His smile put me at ease and made an awkward situation a little easier to face.

"I’m not nauseous anymore, but I still throw up. The doctor said most women stop that after the first trimester, but I didn’t fall under that category."

"Sorry about that."

"It’s not your fault."

He looked at me and shrugged. I knew what he meant.

"I’m extremely sensitive to smells, and that’s usually what triggers it."

"When I kissed you just now, you looked like you might be ill. Do I make you sick?"

"No." I shook my head. "I was just anxious when I saw you, and then I . . ."

I stopped. Whatever he did before he came here was none of my business.

"What?"

"I could smell perfume on you, and it upset my stomach, that's all."

"Jocelyn, it isn’t what you think."

"Alex, you don’t have to explain anything to me. It’s none of my business what you’re doing with Julia."

"How did you know it was Julia?"

A suffered a wave of disappointment to discover I wasn’t wrong.

"She told me she came to visit you, and it was pretty obvious you’re more than just friends," I said. "I don’t blame you; I did stop calling you."

"I’m not back with Julia." He made a face that indicated he thought the very idea was insane. "She came to visit me with Ry and Brenna. We went to dinner, but that was it. And tonight she was at my parent’s house, and she kissed me hello."

"Alex." I held up my hand to prevent him from saying more on the subject. "You don’t owe me an explanation. Actually, I’d rather not get in the middle of whatever is going on between you and Julia. I have enough going on, if you haven’t noticed."

He fidgeted with his hands. I'd never seen him so uptight before.

"Jocelyn." He sighed. "We have so much to discuss, but right now, I want you to tell me about our baby."

I smiled and looked down at my stomach.

Our baby. I like the way that sounds.

"Are you both healthy?"

"Yes." My voice bubbled with excitement. Finally, I could tell him all about the pregnancy. "The baby is perfect, just where he should be. I’m due on Valentine’s Day."

"He?" he asked. "Do you know that for certain?"

"No." I shook my head. "Some days, I say he, and other days he’s a she; I don’t like referring to him as an
it
. It drives Max wild because he never knows what the sex will be on any given day."

"You’re far along enough to know, though?" he said. "The baby is developed enough to determine the sex."

"Yes, I had an ultrasound at seventeen weeks, but I wasn’t sure if you would want to know, so I asked them not to tell me."

"You got to see it, I mean, the baby on the monitor?"

"Yes." I smiled at the memory. "It was fantastic. The heartbeat was strong, and the technician said everything was perfect."

Except you weren't there.

"I wish I could’ve been there," he said regretfully. "Who went with you?"

"No one." I frowned. "I don’t have anyone who can go with me."

"You’ve been doing this all by yourself?" he asked. "Who did you tell when you found out?"

"No one," I said. "I had to tell Max once I started showing, and now a few people at work know."

"And some of my family."

"I didn’t mean for that to happen," I said. "But Evan figured it out as soon as he saw me."

"How did your father take the news? I bet he wants to kill me."

"He did at first." I smiled. "But he realized I was a willing participant, and we made a mistake."

"This was my mistake, Jocelyn," he said. "I knew better, and I’m sorry for being so careless with you."

"It wasn’t just you." I really meant that. We both should've known the dangers of unprotected sex. "We did this together."

"I was irresponsible," he said. "I was more experienced, and I should never have let things go so far that night."

"It’s done," I said. "We can’t change any of this, and to be honest, I don’t regret that night with you."

"I don’t deserve your kindness," he said. "I screwed up."

"We both did."

"Joce," he said, "I know I don’t have any right to ask this of you, but since Brenna and Evan know, I have to tell my parents. I want them to hear it from me."

"Of course you should tell them." I agreed. "They have a right to know."

"I’ll tell them, but I was wondering if you’d come with me. I know I should’ve been here to tell Max with you, and I swear, I would have been, but . . . ."

"I know," I whispered as I took his hand. "And I wish you could’ve been here when I did."

"So you know what I’m feeling right now, the anxiety of telling my parents."

I nodded. "Jack and Sarah are so supportive. They’ll be here for you."

"They’ll be here for you too. Will you come with me?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "It seems right for us to be together when you tell them."

"Thanks." He squeezed my hand, and I sensed his trepidation over the coming conversation. "I don’t think they’re going to be very pleased with me tonight."

"I think they’ll surprise you." Jack and Sarah were such good, loving parents, and once they got over the shock, I was certain they’d take the news as well as Max did.

"I hope you’re right," he whispered.

"Let’s go." I stood and headed for the door.

"Wait!" He grabbed my hand. "Your coat?"

"I . . . I-I’m okay," I stuttered.

"No, it’s cold outside."

"You don’t have one."

"I left the house in a hurry, and I’m not pregnant, so get a jacket."

"Alex, I don’t have—" I stopped, too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t have one. "I get overheated. I’ll be fine."

"Well, if you get cold, I can turn the heat up in the car."

We didn’t say much on the way to his house, but it was hardly a comfortable silence. Occasionally, he would glance down at my stomach, and I wanted so badly to know what he was thinking. I knew better than anyone how overwhelming and life-altering this was. I had to keep telling myself not to expect too much from him.

Once we pulled up in front of his house, he got out, went around, and opened the door for me, but I hesitated when I saw Julia's car.

Why does she have to be here?

"What?" he asked. "My parents aren’t going to be mad at you."

"Julia is here?"

He turned around and saw her car.

"Oh. No," he said. "Ry took Julia, Brenna, and Evan to get something to eat. Only my parents are home now. We were all here earlier, but as soon as I found out about you, I took off."

"Okay," I whispered and climbed out.

He shut the door and leaned me up against the car, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"When they came to visit me," he said, "Julia and I went to dinner, just the two of us, because Brenna and Ryan had tickets for a show in the city."

"Alex, please." I shook my head. Why was he so determined to tell me something I didn't want to hear?

"No, I want to tell you."

"Fine." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, frightened beyond reason he'd admit to having feelings for Julia. But even if he did, I'd have no one to blame but myself.

"We had dinner and talked for a long time," he said. "About the past and possibly getting together when I got home."

I opened my eyes and stared at him. He wanted to get back together with her.

How am I supposed to feel about that?

"I was in a bad place," he said. "I didn’t know what happened between us, and Julia was comfortable for me. I know you had your reasons, but I thought you’d moved on."

"So, you slept with Julia?"

"I took her back to her hotel."

"I don’t want the details, if you don’t mind." My mouth grew so dry I could barely swallow, and my stomach twisted and rolled.

"Jocelyn, listen to me." He moved his hand to stroke my cheek. "I didn’t sleep with Julia or anyone else while I was away. I didn’t want to. She invited me in, but I told her I had an early morning. I did kiss her goodnight and told her we’d talk when I got back."

"Have you?"

"Talked? No, I didn’t get a chance. They told me they saw you in the mall, and then I came to see you," he said. "The first chance I get, I’ll tell her how I really feel."

"Do you know how you really feel?" I didn’t mean to speak my thoughts, and the minute I said the words, I wanted to take them back. We had enough to deal with.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing," I said. "I’m getting cold. Can we go inside?"

"Of course." He took my hand and led me into the house. "My parents are in my father’s study. They always seem to be in the study when I have to tell them something important." He stopped once we reached the door. Seeing him look so nervous was like me having to tell Max all over again. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. I wanted him to know I was there for him.

"You can do this, Alex." I kissed his cheek.

He smiled at me, and I remembered how much I liked having him close to me.

Despite what was going on between us right now, I’d missed him, and I was just relieved to finally be able to see him again.

He rapped quickly on the door, but opened it before anyone could respond. He glanced inside, then stepped into the room. I peeked through, between his shoulder and the doorframe.

Jack sat behind his large, cherry wood desk, staring at his laptop, and Sarah lay curled up on the loveseat, reading a book. They both looked at Alex and smiled. Sarah was no doubt absolutely thrilled to have her son home, and her joy showed on her face.

"Alex," she said. "Where were you?"

I was still outside the door; they hadn’t seen me yet.

"I went to see Jocelyn, and I brought her back with me." He reached for my hand, gently encouraging me to follow him in. I suddenly felt as nervous as Alex looked.