Jobe: Alvarez Security Series (17 page)

He held her gaze, wondering what was going through her mind, but found the words to ask were stuck in his throat.

“And…I…did not fit into that picture anymore…did I?” she asked, pain lacing every word.

J
obe stared at
the woman that he had never stopped loving. Even when he tried to deny it. Even when he convinced himself that loving was the same as losing control. Even when he got out of the Army and knew that he had thrown away the best of him.

Swallowing hard, he said, “At that time…no, there was no room for the uncertainty of love.” He saw his words slice into her and he cursed.

“But fuck, doll. I was wrong.” Seeing the tears well in her eyes, he rushed on. “When we got out, I’d been decorated, praised for the dedication to the Forces, revered by my squad members as being the cool, level-headed one in all missions. But I was empty on the inside. Came home, spent time with my family.

“Hannah was married with a baby on the way. She had gotten into counseling and I envied her. She was stronger than I’d ever seen.” The silence slid over them for a few minutes, each processing their memories. “She was the one that got me into counseling. I started going to a VA counselor who finally broke through my fucked up priorities.”

He shifted again slightly, hoping her hand would stay on his arm. He was not disappointed. He was not even sure if she were aware of her touch on his skin. But he was. That little touch. That human contact. That tiny evidence that maybe, just maybe she would be able to learn to forgive him.

“What,” she hesitated as she cleared her throat, “what did you learn?”

“I learned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects different people in different ways. I didn’t have nightmares…well, sometimes I did. But not as much as many others. I didn’t become disabled…instead, I went in the opposite direction. I became a workaholic. If I became the best goddamn SF, then I could make up for not being there for my sister. For not being there for my family. For almost fucking up the mission with my squad. I had substituted control for my own humanity.”

Nodding slowly, Mackenna knew that what he said fit some of the patterns she had read about. Licking her dry lips, she asked the question that had been plaguing her for weeks since he had come back into her life.

“Why did you not try to find me? Reach out to me?”

“Would it have made a difference?”

Her gaze jerked up to his, a sharp retort on her tongue.

He quickly added, “Not that I blamed you. But I knew you hated me. Hated everything I had thrown away. Everything I had done.” Her silence was his acknowledgment that what he said was true. “I thought about you all the time. I could have so easily found out where you had moved to once I was working with Tony and we had all the resources needed at my fingertips. Where you lived. Where you worked.”

“But you didn’t?” Her question was more of a statement of what she knew. He had not even tried to find her.

“I could not stand the thought of seeing you with someone else. A Facebook page showing you happy in another relationship. I know that was selfish because I did want you to be happy. I…I guess I was a coward. I just did not want the evidence of you without me. But I also didn’t feel like I could try to get your forgiveness. It took me a helluva long time in counseling to see what had happened to myself. How could I even try to get you to understand?”

“I wish I’d known,” she said, wistfulness filling her voice.

She stared down at where her hand rested on his arm, the feel of his warm skin underneath her fingertips.

“I just wanted sex earlier. No emotion, just sex,” she said absentmindedly. He said nothing. “I just wanted to feel…something besides being sad.” He still remained quiet. Her eyes looked back into his. “I guess I should have known I couldn’t just have sex with you, no matter how much I told myself that it was just that.”

Sighing deeply, she continued, “I did hate you for a while. When I got your email…that was the same week that dad was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, if you want to know about shit timing, I had sat down at my computer to send you a message telling you when I opened your email breaking up with me.”

“Baby, I’m so—”

“No, Jobe. Let me get this out. Please.”

He sighed, knowing he owed her much more than that. He found his hand had wandered to her blanket covered leg and he felt the warmth radiating from her body through the material.

“I finished college while dad underwent chemo. I spent every weekend with them, watching him get weaker and weaker.” Her gaze met his but held no anger. Just resignation. “I tried to write you back, sure that you had just reacted out of a bad mood or something. I couldn’t believe that you could just set me aside so quickly. So callously. But the emails were not answered. The letters were unanswered.

“I couldn’t let my dad see my pain, so I didn’t tell my parents. Dad would talk about how he wanted to live long enough to walk me down the aisle and I let him keep dreaming. It broke my heart, but I let him plan while all along I knew you were gone.”

Swallowing several times to keep the tears from coming, she continued, “He finally passed, slipping away peacefully in the night. Hospice had come in and his pain was controlled by morphine. Mom and I were there, each holding his hand.” A lone tear escaped her tightly shut eyes.

“I let you go then, Jobe. I had no room in my heart for more grief. More pain. So all the hope I had clung to…just slipped away.” Her pain-filled eyes searched his. “I allowed myself to become bitter. That’s what kept me going.”

Shaking her head slowly, she said, “And for about four years that worked. I got a job in social work, we sold the house that was way too big for us and moved into a smaller condo. Mom wanted me to have my own life, but I just couldn’t leave her alone. Maybe the truth is that I didn’t want to be alone either.

“I thought I had gotten over you, but sometimes, in the middle of the night, when all was quiet…the tears would come again.”

The pain in his heart was so piercing, he moved his hand over his chest, rubbing absentmindedly as though to ease the ache.

“And just when I thought that life was getting back to some semblance of order, mom had her stroke. I was terrified, Jobe,” her voice cracked. “I didn’t know how I would survive another loss. First you and then dad. If I lost mom too, I knew I’d give up.”

Wiping another stray tear, she plunged on, “So I got a job in Richland that actually dealt with women’s issues, moved us here so that she had better rehab care and…well, that’s where my story ends. I had finally worked to put you completely behind me when you popped back up.”

Giving a little shrug, she said, “I guess that’s all there is.”

“Not all, baby,” he said, reaching over to wipe a tear. Her eyes found his again. “We had a past. I fucked it up, but that’s still in the past. What about now? What about the future? Is there any way you can forgive me? Give me another chance? Give us a chance?”

He left his hand on her face as he stroked her cheek with his thumb, wiping the tears that continued to slide down. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in. Kiss those tears away. Change it all.
Giving in to life is learning to hand over some control…
the words of his counselor came back to him. Staring into her light, brown eyes, he knew he was lost. Lost in her. And it was perfect.
Come on, doll. Please give me a chance.

Mackenna’s chest rose and fell with each breath as he held her gaze. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to dredge up the anger. The hate. The feeling of having lost everything. But it was not there. She could not find it. Her chin quivered as more tears streamed from her tightly closed eyes. All she wanted…all she needed…she opened her eyes…was right there in front of her.

“I…” her voice cracked. “I forgive you,” she whispered so softly that he was not sure for a second what she had said.

She saw his expression of uncertainty and repeated, “I forgive you, Jobe. But I’ve got to tell you that I’m scared. I can’t go through having my heart shredded again.”

“I’m not the same man I was, Mackenna. I can’t promise that I won’t ever make you mad or do something stupid. But I swear on my life…I’ll never walk away. I’ll never hurt you like that again. If all you can do is start with forgiving me, then I’ll take it from there. I’ll work every day to make sure you know that you’re the center of my world. Always.”

Her chin continued to quiver as she stared at the man in front of her. The anger and hate had disappeared with her forgiveness. He was not the same man she fell in love with seven years ago and she knew for sure that he was not the same man who fractured her heart two years after that. As she peered into his eyes, searching for the truth…she found it. And it wrapped around her soul.

“I…I choose us, Jobe,” she said, her voice choking with tears. “I choose us.”

He gasped as he broke into a sob, finally pulling her in tightly where she belonged. His head rested on her chest, her heartbeat steady in his ear. Unashamedly, he cried. Tears for the time that had been lost. The innocence surrendered. Time wasted fighting a battle that never should have been fought.

Her arms cradled him close to her as she realized that this strong man needed her. Wanted her. Using the edge of the blanket, she wiped his tears as she rocked him back and forth, offering comfort as much as taking it.

After several long minutes, Jobe lifted his head and placed a kiss on her lips. A whisper of a kiss. Reverent. Quiet, while speaking volumes.

He moved back, settling her against him now, with their positions changed. This time her head was cradled on his massive chest, his strong heartbeat underneath her cheek.

A slow smile curved the corners of her lips as the feeling of peace descended over the room. She melted into his embrace, knowing that she had missed this closeness most of all.

Moving her head back, they stared at each other for a moment before he leaned down and captured her lips once again. This time, as rediscovered lovers. Her lips were soft and pliant under his, allowing him to control the intensity, the depth.

He slid his tongue back inside in a slow exploration, as though he had never known such ecstasy. Her taste was as familiar to him as always. As her tongue slid across his, he felt his erection growing. His hand moved from her cheek down to her neck where he could feel her pulse beat wildly. His lips followed the trail of his hand, moving to that spot in the hollow of her neck where he nipped and licked.

She shivered with the sensations, knowing this was different from earlier. Then, she had just wanted a fuck and, while she knew he would have never agreed to just that, she tried hard to keep her emotions at bay. But this? This was the dance of lovers.

He felt her shiver again as he slid her shirt off and his hand moved to her breast. Tweaking one nipple as his lips found the other, he alternated between the breasts, sucking, nipping, tugging, and licking until both nipples were elongated with need.

As his mouth continued its ministrations, he slid his hand lower until her soaking folds were discovered. Inserting one finger, and then two, he moved them slowly, exploring her pussy once more, finding just the right spots that had her squirming and moaning. He moved his fingers in a circle, deep inside and then pulling them out to swirl them around her clit before plunging back inside. His lips made their way back to hers, as his tongue mimicked his fingers.

She felt strung as tight as a bow, the waiting excruciating. Her hips undulated next to his as her hand moved down toward his cock. Before she could have her next coherent thought, the waiting was over as her inner walls grabbed at his fingers deep inside.

He watched as she leaned her head back, her hands fisted at her sides as her body jerked its response when the orgasm ripped through her.

“Baby doll, let me see you,” he whispered, eliciting her eyes to open. As she was coming down from her bliss, he moved on top of her, a question in his expression. Barely able to nod, she gave her silent permission as she clutched him closer to her.

With his dick at her entrance, he held her gaze as he pushed in slowly, inch by inch. Her eyes hooded with passion. Her lips plumped from their kissing. Her perfect teeth biting her bottom lip.
Fuck, baby. You’re perfect.

The urge to pound into her waiting pussy once again was strong, but he maintained a steady pace. Wanting her to have pleasure again, he moved excruciatingly slowly out before plunging in quickly. Over and over he did this until she was mad with desire.

He lifted one of her legs over his shoulder to gain deeper access and looked down to where their bodies were joined. Moving his cock in and out of her slick cavity, he watched with fascination at their coupling, then lifted his eyes, seeing her watch as well.
Oh, hell, that’s hot.
Her gaze moved up and captured his, a smile curving her beautiful mouth.

She tantalizingly slid her hands up to cup her breasts, pushing them together and then pinching the nipples, making them stand out further than he could have imagined. His breathing increased as he felt his balls tighten.

“Babydoll, I’m gonna come,” he rasped. “Touch yourself.”

She kept one hand on her breast and the other moved to her clit, where she tweaked the swollen bud. Just as her orgasm flooded over her, tears escaped, and she cried, “I need you. I’ve always needed you.”

Need isn’t the same as love, but it’s a start,
he thought. Hearing the words he had longed to hear for four years tore into him just as his own release had him emptying himself deep into her warmth. “I need you too, Mackenna,” he whispered against her hair, as his body fell just to the side of hers, pulling her over with him.

Arms wrapped around each other, they held on tightly as though afraid the moment would be broken, and the magic would disappear.

Her heart pounded as her sweat slicked body lay across his. Her limbs were weightless as fatigue overtook her. Closing her eyes for just a moment she allowed the exhaustion of the day to ease her into slumber.