Jinx On The Divide (9 page)

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That night, Rhino was put up in what appeared to be some kind of hotel, which had once been called the Yergud Valliton, at least according to the sign lying on the grass. The food had all been foreign, of course -- no hamburgers, or fries, or hot dogs. His room had been ... well, different, although the view of the twin volcanoes was magnificent. Hot water came out of the faucet when he clicked his fingers. The carpet was made of moss, like all the other carpets, and the wallpaper was made of birch bark. His bed had asked him if he wanted a lullaby, his mirror had told him he needed a haircut, and his toothbrush had informed him he had a small cavity in an upper right molar. He had some trouble getting to sleep, since the bed had a mind of its own and insisted on rocking him like a baby until it occurred to him to tell it to stop.

The next morning, it had taken him a moment or two to remember where he was. He got up and went to the bathroom. After he'd attended to all the things you attend to first thing in the morning, the mirror suddenly turned itself into a window, and he'd had the most bizarre conversation with Felix, who no longer appeared to be in Wimbledon. Although Felix had asked him where
he
was, he hadn't let on, and after communication was abruptly terminated, he smiled to himself. Felix would never find him -- and even if he did, he couldn't force him to go back. Who was at the top of the class now?

Then a white-robed lickit arrived with his breakfast, and after that, a japegrin summoned him downstairs for another audience with Squill.

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Rhino had always had a picture in his head of what he'd be like when he grew up. The picture had changed as the years went by -- he no longer wanted to be an astronaut or a paratrooper. Most recently, he'd seen himself leaning on the hood of a Ferrari, wearing a sharp suit and shades and talking to someone on the other side of the world on his cell phone. Exactly how he would become that wealthy wasn't quite clear to him.

His new situation changed everything. There weren't any Ferraris here. There weren't any sharp suits or shades, either. What did he really want from life? It sounded like the kind of question a teacher asked when telling you off. He'd never answered, of course -- he did
sullen
pretty well -- but if he had deigned to reply, he'd have given a cool answer. The one that sprang to mind was the third wish he'd requested from the brandee: "A bit of respect, man."

They reached the foot of the stairs, and then they were outside Squill's office. The japegrin knocked on the door and then opened it with a flourish, bowing low and waving Rhino through. Rhino smiled. His wish had obviously been granted. He had plenty of respect here.

Squill looked up. "Good morning, Professor Rheinhart," he said. "I trust you slept well?"

"Yeah, fine. Did you know Felix Sanders is over here, too?"

Squill looked surprised. "No," he said. "I have encountered him once before, at a dance festival. I was Snakeweed's

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advertising director in those days." He laughed. "Then I became chief prosecutor to Fleabane, the president of Andria, and when Andria became a tangle-town again, I was sent here. And, as you can see, I've made a success of it. Yes, I remember Felix. What a little troublemaker he was."

"He's trying to get me to go back to my own world," said Rhino. "And neither of us wants that, do we?"

"Well, if we catch him, we could charge him with trespassing," said Squill. "He'd be a popular choice for an execution. We'd get a good audience for him -- he's a name, as well as a mythical being."

Execution?
It had never entered Rhino's head that the death penalty might be an everyday occurrence here. Had he heard right? Did they give it for impersonating a scientist?

"We could burn him at the stake." Squill smiled. "Now, then. On to other matters. I'm making inquiries about getting hold of the Divide spell so that we can go back to your world and get the recipe for that icing you were telling me about. The one that doesn't break teeth."

"Royal icing," guessed Rhino, but his mind was racing. He could remember every little detail about his encounter with Felix, including
the way to make gunpowder.

"Royal icing,"
said Squill. "How lovely. I've been thinking lately that
king
sounds much nicer than
thane."

"If we can get hold of a supply of sulfur," said Rhino, feeling that Squill needed to be distracted from the idea of a trip

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to London, "I can make you as much gunpowder as you'll ever need."

"Sulfur?"

"Yellow stuff. It comes from volcanoes."

"Volcanoes?"

Rhino gritted his teeth. "Mountain, him spit fire," he said.

"Oh," said Squill. "Spitfire mountains. Yes, we've got plenty of those, although ours are all female. You can leave tomorrow. I'll order you a fire-breather."

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***

6

***

"I think we ought to read the owner's guide before we do anything else," whispered Felix, as they sat on the cushions in the main chamber of the brandee's lamp. "Just to make sure your plan will work for summoning Rhino when we're outside."

"I can't believe someone would hand out bombs like candy," Betony whispered back. "He has to be stopped."

"Let's read the guide in the greenhouse. We don't want the brandee to rematerialize and see what we're doing."

Once safely in the greenhouse, Felix opened the manual, and they read the following:

The K'Faddle Magic Lamp -- an owner's Guide

***

Thank you for purchasing a K'Faddle magic lamp, which should last you several lifetimes. Before you use your new lamp, please read all the instructions carefully. If you have purchased your lamp

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second-hand, be aware that a previous owner may have customized the brandee.

Parts:

In the box, you should have one brass lamp, one phial of complimentary brass cleaner, two rags, and this instruction booklet. If anything is missing -- especially this booklet -- please contact our Customer Care department in Kaflabad.

Getting started:

Unpack your lamp and remove the wadding from the spout. Under no circumstance should you attempt to force open the lid. This was welded shut after the brandee was inserted. To summon your brandee for the first time, rub the lamp gently in a circular motion with your fingertips, or some portion of your anatomy free of fu

r or feathers. A golden gas will stream from the spout until a cloud has emerged and the emission stops. The gas will then change shape, becoming your K'Faddle brandee. He should be dressed in black, loose-flowing robes, and have a dagger in his belt.

Operating the lamp:

Your brandee has certain responses built into his operating system, and
must
materialize in response to direct friction, whether inside or outside the lamp.

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Default setting:

Saying,
"I command you, in the name of K'Faddle, the one who cast you ..."
overrides everything, including half-completed wishes. Memorize this phrase, and do not divulge it to anyone. It is a default setting to enable the makers to summon the brandee for servicing.

Your brandee may grant a trio of wishes at any one summons, using a combination of magic, arcane knowledge, and common sense. Once the wishes are granted, you will not be able to issue another summons until the following moon. There are certain wishes your brandee cannot grant, however. He cannot raise the dead, or turn base metal into gold, or travel in time, or send anyone to another dimension; nor can he influence the weather. Meta-wishes, such as another three wishes or another lamp are not permitted; and no wish may ever be repeated. For a full list of exclusions, write to: K'Faddle & Offspring, Risk Department, Ziggurat Three, Kaflabad.

Servicing and maintenance:

You should polish the lamp only after the completion of a trio of wishes. Your brandee needs neither food nor water and should continue to function for several centuries. A regular one-hundred-wish checkup at an authorized K'Faddle dealer is recommended.

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Advanced functions:

MAGIC
: Your brandee can perform simple illusion spells, and knows a few useful hexes.

MEDICINE
: Although your brandee can do basic surgery in an emergency, performing an illegal operation will cause him to turn blue and crash.

VIOLENCE
: Your brandee is capable of killing most beings. Make sure you check local regulations -- in some places, murder is against the law. Remember that your brandee can also
be
killed.

Customizing your lamp:

The brandee's flowing robes are designed for subterfuge. However, you may dress your brandee any way you wish.

Your brandee comes with long black hair. You may cut, style, or color it any way you like.

You may purchase any or all of the optional extras or order individually tailored items which will be charged accordingly.

Optional Extras:

Musical ability (lute, crumhorn, and bangithard)

Additional spells

Games and riddles

Sense of humor (anecdotes, banter, irony, and/or satire)

Ping-Pong proficiency

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WARNING!

Because your brandee is a magical being, he can be infected by a powerword from another dimension, if he shows any signs of developing free will, return the lamp to our Service Department immediately for fumigation.

If you do not use your brandee for an extended period of time, your registration will lapse and your ownership will be revoked. This is to enable the brandee to take action himself if the lamp is in any danger. You may, of course, reregister at any time.

K'Faddle & offspring is not responsible for any murder or mayhem perpetrated by the brandee
m
this or any ether world. The owner is responsible for being m control at all times, and therefore legally answerable for the brandee's behavior.

"We're going to have to be careful," said Betony. "No wish may ever be repeated. You get one crack at it, and that's it."

"Abra ...
you know,
that
word, the one Rhino said as a joke -- it must have been a powerword."

"Must have been." Betony shivered. "Dangerous stuff." She took a deep breath. "All right. Are you ready?"

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Felix nodded. They left the greenhouse and went back to the main chamber. The brandee had come out of his bottle and was reading again -- a detective story about copper beating. He looked up. "No luck, then?" he said.

Felix shook his head no.

"I'd like my three wishes now," said Betony. "I want Felix to get out of the lamp first."

Felix's last thought as he turned into a cloud of gas was,
I'm the one carrying the owner's guide. I hope Betony remembers everything....

Felix had expected to find himself back in the Pink Harpoon, but to his horror he was somewhere else entirely. It looked like a general store. He glanced around. A couple of diggelucks were examining some spades stacked against the wall. He pulled his hood over his head to hide his ears and pretended to be very interested in the merchandise. That was when he spotted the picture. It was a pretty good painting of a volcano, shaped sort of like a two-pronged Mount Fuji -- and the title said it was a view of the Yergud spitfire mountains, as seen from the Yergud town center. There was no doubt about it -- it was the same volcano that Felix had seen behind Rhino in the jinx box. So that's where Rhino was. Yergud. He absently continued looking at some curios sitting on a shelf to his right -- and there, among the glass paperweights and the candlesticks, was the brandee's lamp, complete with price tag.

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Felix had expected Betony to appear beside him almost immediately, but it was a few minutes before she did, and he was beginning to get worried.

"There's been a snag," she reported, tucking her flaxen hair into her hood. "I have to make the brandee materialize again in order to get the third wish. By rubbing the lamp. Wherever it is." She glanced around.

Felix pointed to it, sitting on the shelf.

"Oh." She peered at the price tag. "What a rip-off! Someone must have found it in the Pink Harpoon and sold it." She pulled out her purse and started to count the silver coins in it. "I haven't got enough," she said. "It's really expensive."

"Well, just pick it up and rub it, then," said Felix.

Betony glanced around. No one was watching. She took the lamp down from the shelf and rubbed it. The brandee appeared immediately -- but before Betony could order him to do anything in the name of K'Faddle, he snatched the lamp from her, turned on his heel, and raced out of the store.

The shopkeeper's mouth dropped open. The diggelucks picked up a shovel each, dashed outside, and gave chase.

"They didn't pay for those, either," said the shopkeeper. "Oh, well. At least it was a bit of excitement."

"I think they'll bring them back," said the ragamucky. "Diggelucks aren't thieves." Everyone nodded in agreement.

Felix ran to the door, but the brandee had disappeared. "We can't use our wish now," he said. "Why did the brandee