Jigsaw (Black Raven Book 2) (31 page)

“Stay with me.”

He glanced at her. Surprised. Uncertain, but reading her eyes and seeing that she meant it. “You sure?”

She nodded.

He reached over to the night table, turned off the lamp, rolled back into the bed, and scooped her into his arms. As she nestled onto the non-bruised side of his chest, her arms fell around him. “Tell me about those sunsets at your Keys house, again.”

Warmth flooded through him. “What do you want to know?”

“If your daughter watches them with you. If you’ve told her to look for the emerald flash.”

He chuckled. “Ana is still young and sweet enough to indulge me. This past October she swore she saw the green flash. The evening was spectacular—with wisps of clouds on the horizon that blew up with pink, rose, and golden bursts of light.” Within minutes they were both asleep, limbs pretzelled together, his arms around her, his leg over hers. A couple of hours later, she moaned, gasped for air, and cried out, into his chest. “Sam. Wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

Her entire body was shaking. “You didn’t survive in that one.”

“But I did.” He reached over to the lamp and turned it on. “See. I’m here.” Reaching for her hand, he took it and placed it on something he hoped would distract her.

Fingers wrapping around his hard dick, she shook her head. “Sex isn’t a remedy for nightmares, Hernandez.”

“Fatigue is.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Paris, France

Friday, February 4

Soft morning light peeked along the border of the closed drapes, enough so that Zeus could see Sam’s eyes were open and on him. “It’s six,” she said. “My alarm is going off in fifteen minutes.”

Sitting up, with his lower back resting against pillows, and his upper back resting against the headboard, he drew her to his chest. “Feel okay?”

“Fine. You?”

“Hmm.” He shifted his legs a bit, pulling her hips closer to his with a hint as to his favorite way to say good morning. His body certainly knew what rise and shine meant and was almost ready for a demonstration.

“Not that, Hernandez. Your chest. Arm.”

“Sore, but fine.” Rubbing her hair so that it was smooth, he tried to resist the urge to talk about their past.
Fuck
. He might not get another opportunity, because another man was proposing to her—soon—and anything he told her after the proposal was destined to be a sorry, forgotten footnote in the story of her life.

He had to tell her the end result of what he had figured out. It was her choice whether to do anything about it. Her choice whether to change things.

Now or never, asshole.

“You were relieved.”

“Of course I was.” Silken hair brushing against his chest as she lifted her head so their eyes met, she nodded. “I thought you were going to die a pretty horrific death.”

“Not talking about last night. Talking about seven years ago.”

As though he’d delivered a physical hit, her body stiffened, but, thank God, she didn’t pull away from him or do anything else to shut him out.

“When I told you that Theresa had called and said she was pregnant, when I told you what I thought I needed to do, I read shock in your reaction. I read hurt. Hell—I read heartbreak, and I still don’t think I was wrong on that. I read all kinds of things in those few minutes. Time stayed still long enough for those awful minutes to be buried in my brain for the rest of my life.” He paused. “What I didn’t figure out until now was that underneath all of your surprise, anger, and cool recovery, that you were relieved that I wasn’t sticking around. You might have loved me, but you were happy to see me go.”

Palms flat on his chest, she pushed away from him. He let his arms fall to his side as he let go of her. He exhaled, waiting for her to end the conversation prematurely. To stand up and charge to the bathroom. Instead, as more light filtered into the room, she sat up in the bed within touching distance. The sheets covered from her hips down. The slope of her breasts inspired an erection, but he managed to focus on her face, with her unreadable eyes.

Her chin up, and dry-eyed glance told him she wasn’t feeling regret, hurt, or denial.

It was more like, “
Bingo, buddy’. You caught me. Now what?”

Fuckitall.

Here’s confirmation. She might have loved you, but she was relieved you walked away, dumb shit.

Why the hell had he not realized it? Answer to that was simple enough. He’d been so goddamn miserable, he’d barely managed to find his way back to Miami.

Bigger question—would realizing then that she was relieved to see him go have changed anything in his life?

Maybe. But speculation’s a waste of time on this one. Make it change your life now.

Clearing his throat past the crash and swirl of lost opportunities, he said, “This is what I’ve figured out. You’d prefer not to have the kind of commitment I’d offer.”

Do not tell her she’s scared. You’ll only piss her off. It will end this conversation.

Mind desperately searching for words that would keep her listening, knowing with every fiber in his soul that he needed to get out the words that he’d never managed to say before, he continued, “One-hundred percent commitment. That is what I’d give you. Heart, body, and soul. It’s what I’d offer, and it’s what I want. Until death do us part. Being a couple. Meaning we live for each other. The kind of commitment your parents—”

“Don’t talk about my parents,” she whispered. Honest eyes glanced at him. With a shake of her head, she whispered, “I don’t like to focus on them.”

And that was the crux of the problem, because she didn’t realize what their relationship had done to her. He barely understood it himself, and that was with the bird’s eye view Ragno had given him—which his gut told him was one-hundred percent accurate. It was the only thing that made any sense.

“We don’t need to go there,” he said, his voice low, allowing her to be in denial, though he knew she’d never cross the hurdle that would lead her to him if she didn’t own it. “But I want you to tell me why you were relieved that someone who loved you with all his heart, someone who you loved back, would walk away. I have all kinds of ideas. This time around, I’m learning everything I can about you, because if I don’t understand what makes you tick, this time…when I walk away from you I’m going to wonder about it. Wondering about you leads to wanting you. Hoping for you. And I can’t do that again. Won’t
do it again. The answer as to why you’re relieved will have to come from you. You’ve got to own it, Sam. Got to understand it. Overpower it.” Glancing at her, it seemed like she was listening. Understanding what he meant. She wasn’t stupid, after all. “Or not.”

“You never said you loved me.”

Well, she has you on that one
.

“But you knew it, didn’t you?”

She nodded, eyes on him.

“Know it now, don’t you?”

Her nod was barely perceptible, as though acknowledging his love for her came with a high price that she wasn’t ready to pay.

“With all of my heart,” he added. “Body. Soul.”

In the perfect world, she’d be able to tell me she loved me in return.

Silence in the room told him he was light years away from hearing those words from her. Even if she loved him with every fiber in her body, she was incapable of saying it. Acknowledging it. Admitting it. And if she couldn’t admit it to herself, he was royally screwed.

Glancing at him with a look that told him she was waging a deep, inner battle, one that he couldn’t fault her for, because he now thought he understood the source of it, she drew a deep breath. “Why?”

“Hell. I’ve done a lot of thinking on that one. You reached into my chest and stole my heart the first time I laid eyes on you. I can’t honestly tell you all the reasons why. It’s more than just my physical attraction to you, though that’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. More than the fact that you’re the one and only woman I’ve ever met who I’d never need to apologize to for my endless dedication to work. More than the fact that I’m mesmerized by your brain. More than admiration for your ambition. More than the fact that I hang on every word you say. I think one of the things that hooked me early on was that you didn’t need me for a goddamn thing. Since my father died, I’ve lived every day of my life fulfilling needs.”

“I understood that,” she said, her voice soft. “Theresa was pregnant. She needed you. I understood you were doing something because of someone else’s need. I got it, Zeus.”

He nodded. “One reason I could walk away from you is a reason why I loved you.” He reached for her chin, ran his fingers along the soft skin. “You didn’t need me for anything. But you wanted me. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt in my life. I felt…important. You made me feel like I had the world in my hands. I felt like I’d finally found a part of myself that went missing when I watched my father die. A part of me that I didn’t even know was missing. The fact that you wanted me made me feel better than whole. I was virtually levitating from it. I felt…things. Feelings. I feel things when I’m with you, Sam. I don’t feel things with most other people. I’ve trained myself not to.”

He traced his fingertip along her neck, arm, shoulder, and went back to her chin and lifted it, because she was now studying the sheets, as though looking at him had become painful.

When her eyes once again rested on his, he said, “If I don’t make you feel that way, if you don’t want me enough to overcome your fear of committing to me—”

“I’m not afraid of commitment.”

“You’re afraid of me.”

Her alarm rang. She reached for her phone on the bedside table, turned off the alarm, and took the opportunity to stand on the other side of the bed. “As I was saying—if you don’t want me as badly as I want you, if that want doesn’t have you ready to fight your demons, then I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about that. It’s got to be reciprocal. You have to know that I want you more than my next breath. Really want you. Like want you with me every step of the way. Forever.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

As his gaze took in her nude body in the dim morning light, he knew there’d never be a time when he’d forget her curves and angles, how pretty and honestly vulnerable she looked at that moment. Nor would he forget the way her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, or the way her lack of an appropriate response was the equivalent of an icepick jab into his heart.

The inescapable truth that he now faced was that when the job was over, when they parted ways, she was going to be one of the biggest regrets of his life. His heart stung with the rejection, but his mind told him it was inevitable. “That’s answer enough.”

She stayed silent as he stood, each second she didn’t say anything shooting slivers of ice into his heart. “Ball’s in your court. Game’s over when the job is done. Not an ultimatum. Just a fact. I’m not angry. I want you to use every ounce of strength you have in your body to conquer whatever it is that has you scared of my brand of love. I understand people and their demons, Sam. I get it.” He drew a deep breath. “Not that I’ll resist you while we’re stuck with each other.”

He scooped his jeans off the floor, found his boxers underneath the sheets, and threw one last glance at her. It was enough of a glance to change his mind about exiting her bedroom, because she was walking in his direction, a look of tortured misery in her eyes as she drew near to him.

“You know it isn’t just our past that’s in the way now, don’t you? Justin and I will eventually get married, Zeus. Nothing that’s happening between us will change that.”

“Don’t marry him.”

“I will. I just thought you should know.” Eyes tortured, voice low, she looked like the least happy bride-to-be he could ever imagine. Stepping closer to him, she reached for his left shoulder with her right hand, and slipped her left arm around his back.

“Do you love him? With all of your heart?”

Her hesitation was an answer.
Wasn’t it?

“That part in the marriage vows about until death do us part.” His voice was throaty now, and low, as he opened his arms around her and gave her the comfort she was seeking. “It’s just words. Until reality hits and you’re spending the rest of your fucking life with someone who you like enough to sleep with—”

“But I do love him. Justin is my best friend, and really, you don’t exactly have the right to talk about my relationship with him.”

“I don’t buy it. If you loved him, you wouldn’t be making love to me.”

“This is sex,” she whispered. “Just sex.”

“Yeah. That was why your hands were shaking and you were crying the other night when you thought I wouldn’t know.” Her eyes flashed with something—anger, hurt, embarrassment—hell if he knew. She shifted her gaze away from his, and he didn’t get the chance to figure it out.

“When that person is a great friend, when you sort of love them, the reality that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them makes every day seem like an eternity. Months seem endless. Years are unfathomable.” He bent his face close and lifted her chin in the crook of his finger until she looked at him. “When that person isn’t someone who makes you feel that when you leave them you’d rather die than keep going, further and further away, marrying them…just isn’t worth it.”

“Marriages shouldn’t be based on emotion. Look at what happened to yours.”

“I’m talking about you, dammit. That’s how I feel about you. My marriage to Theresa fell apart because I didn’t feel that way about her.”

Her breasts were smashed into his chest. Her nipples had become hard nubs. He wished like hell he could walk away from her, but he couldn’t. The fact that he couldn’t festered for a second as she lingered in his arms. His blood, simmering since the job had started, became a slow boil of frustration. He pushed her away. She held onto his arms, gripping them tightly at his elbows.

“I still want you,” she whispered. “I’ll always want you. You had me heart, body, and soul seven years ago. I was relieved when you left, because that kind of love was never in the cards for me. Now, I can only offer my body.”

She tiptoed, raising her lips to his, softly moaning as his hands moved to her breasts. When she gave in, for those moments when they were joined, blissful sensations assuaged the rawness that accompanied the swirling emotions, feelings, and disappointment she inspired. He placed his hands on her shoulders and eased her against the wall. Not so gently, he turned her to face the wall, intending to show her exactly what plain old, meaningless sex could feel like with him.

Everything I ever do with her backfires.