Jessie Belle: The Women of Merryton - Book One (18 page)

She
nodded. “Bye, Mom,” she said.

Sabrina’s
eyes misted. “Bye, string bean.”

Maddie
smiled.

Blake
was done; he led the way out the door.

As
soon as we made it out and the door was mostly closed, Sabrina called out,
“Love you.”

“I
love you,” Maddie called back before we closed the door all the way.

My
eyes stung with emotion.

Maddie,
on the other hand, seemed happy as a lark as we made our way to the car. “Can
we swim at the hotel tonight?” she asked as the two of us got in the car and
Blake placed her luggage in the back with ours. We had checked out of the hotel
before we came to retrieve her.

“Your
dad wants to head back to Colorado this evening, but maybe we can swim tomorrow
morning before we head home.”

“I
can’t wait to see my new room,” she said.

She
had no idea what she was in store for, none of us did.

Blake
and I stayed pretty quiet as we made our way up the canyon and back to
Colorado, but we kept looking at each other when we could. They were those “is
this really happening?” and “what have we gotten ourselves into?” kinds of
looks.

Practically
our whole married life I’d wanted a child, and now here, for all intents and
purposes, I had one. Maddie was now our full-time and forever responsibility.
In between looking at Blake, I kept looking back at her, mostly because she
kept talking and I didn’t want her to think I was ignoring her. I also kept
staring at her because it seemed so surreal. And I wasn’t sure what to do with
her. I always figured I would have a baby and grow up with him or her. I never
imagined someone throwing a teenager at me and saying here you go. I mean, I
knew hardly anything about her and I didn’t know how to be a mom, and I
especially didn’t know how to be a stepmom.

I
had a feeling I would be reading a lot of online articles about parenting, that
and talking to my therapist. Bless her.

I
could tell Blake was deep in thought too, but he seemed more relaxed. His
daughter was his now—he didn’t know how much yet—but she was with him, and I
think that brought him great comfort.

Admittedly,
after seeing how she lived, I was happy to remove her from her circumstances. 

Maddie
talked until she conked out. One minute she was saying something about how she
and her friends all had crushes on Henry Cavill, who played Superman, and the
next minute she was leaning against the window sleeping.

I
took off my seatbelt to Blake’s displeasure
and reached back to the
backseat and carefully placed a pillow under her pretty head. She didn’t even
stir. She got that from Blake. He slept like the dead, too.

I
settled back into my seat and opened my moon roof so I could stare at the
stars. The sky was clear and seemed to twinkle. While in a way it made me feel
insignificant, it was also reassuring. It made my problems seem small, even for
just a moment. I thought some more about Margaret Mackenzie. I thought about
Carter. I always thought about him.

I
looked back at his sister and for the first time it hit me that she was my
child’s sister. I had always wanted a house full of kids. Blake and I were both
only children growing up and knew it could be kind of lonely. My mother, too, had
had fertility problems, but they were different than mine. She couldn’t get
pregnant, except the once. I could practically get pregnant anytime I wanted, I
just couldn’t stay that way. Recurrent miscarriages, they called it. I called
it something else, but it wasn’t very ladylike. I knew Maria would never use
such language.

I
watched Madeline breathe in and out. In the midst of her peaceful slumber her
mouth upturned into that crooked little grin she inherited from her dad. It
made me smile. I reached over and rubbed Blake’s neck. He had been awfully
quiet, but that was just him. “Are we going to stop?” I asked him. We were
almost to Grand Junction.

Without
even looking at me he answered, “I just want to be home.”

“It’s
almost ten and we have over four hours to go,” I countered. “And I told Lexi I
would visit her tomorrow at her bistro.”

“Please,
Jessica.”

I
removed my hand from his tight neck. “I suppose I can make a day trip on my own
to visit her.”

“You
don’t mind?”

“Honestly,
yes. I’ve been looking forward to seeing her.”

He
turned briefly my way and his gray eyes locked with my hazel ones. “I’ll make
it up to you.”

I
shrugged my shoulders and turned toward the window, watching the lighted
roadside landscape pass us by. I think I made out a few of the peach orchards
the area was known for. I didn’t know what the rush was. And driving until two
in the morning wasn’t my idea of fun. I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I
would be on edge making sure Blake didn’t fall asleep at the wheel.

After
several silent minutes, I felt the gentlest touch upon my hair. I ignored it.
His hand slid down and glided down my cheek smoothly. My cheek may have
twitched a tad as I tried not to smile.

“Jess
…”

“Hmm?”
I said into the cool, tinted window.

“I’m
ready to be home. To start this new chapter in our lives.”

I
turned, but not to look at Blake. I looked back to see if Maddie was still
sound asleep. Once I was confident she was, I turned to Blake, who was taking
turns looking at me and the road.

“This
new chapter is going to be a novel,” I whispered.

Blake
looked at me with narrowed eyes.

“Sabrina’s
intention is for Maddie to stay with us permanently.”

Blake
didn’t seem surprised. In fact I noticed his mouth turn up just a bit.

“Why
didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

He
looked in the rearview mirror to make sure his daughter was still sleeping
before answering me ever so quietly. “I wasn’t completely sure, but I got the
feeling when we met with my attorney this morning that that was her plan. I
didn’t want to spring anything else on you, just in case I was wrong.”

“Well,
a heads-up would have been nice.”

“I’m
sorry. I feel like I’ve already asked so much of you. Are you okay with this?”

“What
choice do I have?”

His
hand found mine in the silence that suddenly filled the car. The only sound was
coming from our fellow motorists whizzing by us. His rough, calloused thumb
rubbed circle motions across my hand. “You have a choice in all of this.”

“I’m
staying, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He
lifted the hand that he held and kissed it softly, letting his warm lips linger
on my skin. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“Thank
you seems like a weird thing to say.”

The
corners of his mouth turned up completely this time. “How’s this? I love you.”

“Eh,
it will do, I suppose.”

All
teasing aside, knowing that Blake loved me was a life preserver in the
tumultuous waters we were navigating.

When
we returned home, everything seemed different with Maddie there. It wasn’t a
bad thing, but it added a new dimension. I had to think about things I had
never had to before, like not wearing only a towel out to grab my forgotten
phone. Oops.

That
first night—or should I say morning—we arrived home was interesting. We woke
Maddie up a few minutes before we made it home. We knew she wouldn’t be able to
see the house well in the dark, but we wanted her to know she was home. It took
some doing to get her to wake up, but once we did she was raring to go.

She
eagerly looked out the window in anticipation of seeing our place. Our
neighbors were few and far between. Blake liked it that way. It meant, though,
that it was hard to make out the landscape without the lighting neighbors would
have provided. Our home, at least, was well-lit, and when we pulled into the
long driveway, I watched her—she was like a bundle of energy. Every part of her
seemed to buzz.

“Is
this your house?” she asked in awe.

I
nodded and smiled at her. “It’s your home now, too.” I thought that was very
Maria-like of me. Blake must have thought so, too. He reached over and squeezed
my hand.

“Are
we, like, rich?” She asked as we passed closely by the house on the way to our
detached garage that Blake had already opened remotely.

“No.
We’re not rich.” At least not in the general sense, but to her we probably
looked like we were millionaires.

“My
mom said you guys have a lot of money.”

With
wide eyes, I looked to Blake to respond.

He
parked the Tahoe and ran his fingers through his hair. He was sporting some
major stubble and his eyes were irritated and worn. I couldn’t believe he drove
straight through. I had offered to take over, but he had refused. “We’ll always
take care of you,” he responded to his daughter’s, or her mother’s, lack of
tact.

With
that she flew out the door. I was too exhausted to fly, or even move. I wanted
to be magically transported to my comfortable bed that sat waiting for me, if
only I could muster up the energy to get there. Blake was out before me and
headed to retrieve our luggage. Again, I admired his stamina, especially as he
brought the four suitcases in by himself, and in one trip.

Maddie
walked side by side with her dad and I followed as we made our way to the side
door. It was interesting to observe the father-daughter pair from behind. She
was going to be tall like him. Probably not six-foot-three like him, but
definitely tall. As soon as she grew into her legs she would probably be at
least five-nine. Then they would both tower over my five-foot-five frame.

As
soon as Blake punched in the key code to the door, Maddie ran into the house.
There was nothing timid about that girl. He walked in behind her and I was left
to open the door myself.

“Where’s
my room?” was the first thing I heard as I walked through our mud room and
slipped off my ballet flats. The cool tile felt good against my tired feet. I
lingered back and watched Blake guide Maddie to her new room right next to ours
and off of the great room. It was one of those “keep my head above water”
moments. I clasped my hands together and brought them toward my face as I
leaned against the taupe-colored wall.
Just breathe
, I told myself. Then
I heard a squeal of delight and I smiled, closed-lipped.

I
could picture her touching everything and laying across her bed as I listened
to her commentary. “The bed is so soft and I love all the pillows. The
headboard is weird though, it looks like a fence.”

I
had to smile. I’m sure she had no idea her dad had made that himself. I didn’t
hear him disagree with her. What I did hear was him giving her a small tour.
“You have your own bathroom.”

Another
squeal. “I’ve never had my own bathroom!”

Blake
then began to be Blake and explain about not leaving water running, where to
place her dirty laundry, and where we kept extra towels and toiletries. I
didn’t hear any squeals of delight for those items. From there I decided to
visit my own bathroom and get ready for bed.

I
walked into the bathroom and the first thing I saw was my tired reflection in
the oval mirror above my sink. I was too old to be staying up past two. It
seemed to magnify the start of the crow’s feet near my eyes.
Ugh
, I
thought to myself as I began to remove my eye makeup, or at least what was left
of it after the beyond-long day. I was tempted to shower after being in the car
for so long, but my bed was calling to me. I didn’t even bother with properly
exfoliating and moisturizing. Instead, I threw on my pink satin nightgown and
settled into my soft cotton sheets. I sank down deep under the covers, which
included the baby quilt my little ladies had made me. Blake kept the air
conditioning blasting in the summertime and I reveled in the warmth of the
layers.

I
looked over to Blake’s side of the bed. It seemed especially empty after
sleeping together the night before. I thought about our discussion when we had
woken up and how he had held me. It made me miss his arms. I knew, though, that
even if he were there with me, I wouldn’t be finding myself in them. He needed
his space when he slept. I was too tired to dwell on the issues that still
needed to be resolved in my life and in our marriage.

Just
as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a faint rapping sound on my door before
it was opened and the light from the great room lamp shone in my face.

“Sorry
to wake you,” Blake said as he approached the bed.

I
had a hard time focusing on him and I rubbed my eyes to try and perk up some.
“I wasn’t quite asleep,” I said drowsily.

He
almost smiled as sat on the edge of our bed near my midsection.

“Why
did you knock on the door?” I asked.

“In
case you were indecent.”

“We’ve
been married for over thirteen years, I don’t think I can be indecent in front
of you.”

“I
don’t want to intrude on you or make you uncomfortable.”

I
sat up some and leaned against my plethora of pillows. “Blake,” I sighed.
“Please don’t treat me like a stranger. This is still your room, too.”

He
inched closer and brought his hand up, his fingers gliding across my clavicle
bone and up to my neck. His tired eyes were suddenly awake and penetrating my
own.

I
swallowed hard and my heart rate picked up just a tad. There may have even been
some lip biting. I probably tensed up, too, but not on purpose. For a second,
discouragement replaced the wanting in his eyes, but as soon as I blew out a
deep breath and relaxed, the intensity returned to his eyes.

“Your
open door policy may have me attempt things you’re not ready for yet.”

I
reached up and ran my hand along his arm and up to his hand that felt nice on
my bare skin. “Just promise me you’ll keep trying.”

My
hand fell away as his found its way up through my hair. His strong hand drew my
face closer to his. “Done,” he whispered before his lips covered mine for a
brief, but stirring moment. His lips were tender and warm and he tasted like
his mint mouthwash. I had always appreciated his hygiene, oral and otherwise.

My
lips had just relaxed under his as he pulled away.

“Goodnight,
Jessica.”

I
released another held breath. “Goodnight. Did Maddie settle in okay?”

He
genuinely smiled. Contentment was written all over his handsome face as he
nodded. With that he left me feeling very alone in my king-size bed.

Even
the buzz my husband gave me couldn’t overcome the almost twenty-four hours of
no sleep. I was asleep in no time as I replayed our little moment and wondered
when I would feel whole again. When would I allow myself to give in to the
physical and even emotional feelings and desires that lay just below the
surface? When would I be able to conquer the demons that held me back from
expressing myself intimately with my husband?

***

I
woke up to the sound of chatter and a blender.

“Eww,
it’s green!” I heard Maddie exclaim.

I
smiled to myself as I stretched. As weird as it was to have her there, I
appreciated her liveliness, as Blake put it. I quickly ran to the bathroom, ran
a brush through my hair, slipped on my matching pink silk robe, and quickly
made my way to the kitchen to save Maddie from her dad’s green smoothies.
Normally I was a fan of green smoothies, but not the kind Blake made. He used
more spinach than fruit and also added some protein powder I wasn’t fond of.

“Jessie,”
I heard before a warm body slammed into me. I wasn’t used to such exuberant
expression, especially in the morning. I naturally wrapped my arms around this
gangly teen that had crashed into my life almost literally.

“Good
morning,” I said to her, but looked at my husband who stood on the other side
of our breakfast bar. I wasn’t used to seeing him at ten in the morning on a
Friday. He was showered and ready for the day.

Blake
smiled warmly at me as I held his daughter to me briefly.

“Did
you sleep well?” I asked her as I released her.

“I
love my room,” is all she said. I guess I would take that as a yes.

“How
about you?” I asked Blake.

He
shrugged his shoulders. “Do you want some of this?” He held up the pitcher
portion of the blender.

I
grinned and shook my head no. “How about some blueberry pancakes?” I asked Maddie.

“Yum!”

Maddie
returned to her stool and I joined Blake in the kitchen. I think he was
disappointed Maddie chose my breakfast over his. I figured an olive leaf could
be extended. “If I use whole wheat flour, will you eat some too?” I asked my
husband.

“Sure,”
he responded.

“Okay,
watch and learn,” I teased.

He
smirked at me before he downed his concoction.

“Can
I help?” Maddie asked.

“That
would be great. Why don’t you grab the blueberries in the refrigerator? They’re
in the top drawer.”

She
quickly jumped off her stool, eager to fulfill her task. “This fridge is huge,”
she said as she opened the double doors.

I
smiled to myself as I grabbed the griddle from a cupboard down below. It was as
if our house was Disneyland to her. Blake was already washing the dishes he had
used. I had to love him for that.

As
I pulled ingredients from the pantry, Blake stole a kiss on my cheek from
behind me. “Since we’re home, I’m going to work on a couple of bids this
morning. Just call me down when the pancakes are done.”

I
turned to face him. “What about Maddie?” I whispered. I wasn’t ready to be
alone with her yet. I was just a Maria-in-training.

He
must have noticed the deer in the headlights look. “You two will get along
fine. I’m really behind.”

I
bit my lip. “Okay …”

He
took that and ran, or rather, casually walked up the stairs to his office.

I
found Maddie eagerly waiting near the griddle.

“You
ready?” I asked. And I wasn’t referring only to the pancakes.

“I
love pancakes.”

I
guess she wasn’t into responding directly to questions. “Well, you came to the
right place. These are melt-in-your-mouth to-die-for pancakes.” As I neared her
I noticed how worn and thin her nightgown was. It matched the other outfits I
had seen her in. I supposed a shopping trip was in order. Besides, our school
district had an outdated dress code. I don’t know if she owned anything they
would deem appropriate for school. I would talk to Blake about it later when we
were alone.

I
was still getting used to the fact that being alone had taken on a whole
different meaning in this house.

“Do
you want me to wash the blueberries?” she asked. “My mom says you always have
to wash fruit.”

“That’s
very good advice, but I prewash most of my produce, so those are ready to go.”

“I
can stir,” she offered instead.

“That
would be great.” I smiled at her. I was trying to think of things to talk to
her about. Thankfully with her, she was happy to guide the conversation.

“My
dad and I are going swimming later.”

“That
will be fun,” I said as I measured out the ingredients and added them to my
mixing bowl. “Have you called your mom to let her know that we made it home?”

She
shrugged and the smile disappeared from her face. “I will later.”

“Okay,
but don’t wait too long.”

She
nodded unenthusiastically.

I
wondered what was going through her head and why she didn’t want to talk to her
mom, but I didn’t press. I figured there was plenty of time for that, at least
for me. I wasn’t sure how much time her mom had left. And although I wasn’t
impressed with her mothering skills, I wanted Maddie to have as much contact
with her as possible. I didn’t want her to grow up and regret it. It reminded
me that I needed to talk to Blake about talking to Maddie about her staying
with us permanently and why. She deserved to know the truth. I was also curious
to see how she would feel about this being her forever home. Not like she
really had a choice in the matter, but I wanted her to feel like she did. I
also wanted her to feel wanted.