Jemima J. (6 page)

Ben’s concentrating hard on the screen, and I have to smile. St. Ursula’s indeed! You must think I’m stupid, Ben, but good excuse, though. I have to admit I wouldn’t have thought of that one.

_p. 40
“How do you find them?” I ask, ever the innocent.

“God knows, let’s try and find out.”

Ben clicks until there’s a box on his screen saying
SEARCH
. “Right,” he says. “Here goes. What do you think, sex or porn?”

“Try sex first,” and Ben leans across me, without realizing that as he does so his right arm brushes my left breast and I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. There is no expression on his face other than intense concentration as he types in the letters
SEX,
then presses
SEARCH.

Nothing happens for a few seconds and Ben looks at me and grins. “Wouldn’t it be a nightmare if the editor came past now?”

I grin back. I would suffer any humiliation just for the pleasure of feeling Ben’s arm lightly touching my breasts.

“We’ll just tell him we’re doing some research,” I say with a wicked smile.

Ben laughs. “He’d probably want to pull up a chair himself. One of my friends just got a computer at home and he says that all his friends, even the girls, have been coming over and asking him to show them the Internet. Every time he asks them what they want to see, they all say sex. So there you go, we’re not abnormal after all.”

You mean you’re not abnormal, Ben, because to be completely honest I’m really not that bothered about scouring the sex sites, in fact, I think I’d rather not, but I’m not going to dwell on the potential embarrassment involved in surfing sex sites with the man of my dreams, I’m just going to sit here and enjoy being with you.

Suddenly the computer screen changes, and there’s a list on the screen, all of them sexual names, each urging you to click on them, see what they have to offer. I am not going to blush. I am going to be cool, calm, and collected. Even as I sit here reading about oral, anal, sucking, fucking, I am not going to show Ben that I am anything other than a woman of the world.

“Brilliant,” says Ben, as I’m concentrating on keeping my face its normal color. “Let’s go and see
HOTSEX
.”

_p. 41
Ben clicks on
HOTSEX
and nothing happens, the screen just goes completely black. Talk about anticlimax. “Do you think it’s not working?” Ben says, disappointment written all over his face.

“I think it probably just takes a long time. Look! Something’s happening.” And sure enough, a series of lines starts appearing on screen. I’m watching Ben out of the corner of my eye, and Ben’s watching the screen.

Welcome to the hottest, dirtiest, horniest site on the Internet

We have everything to satisfy your tastes

10 gigabytes of adult GIF files

Download dirty video clips from Amsterdam

Have live interactive sex with the horniest chicks around

Porn, sex, fucking, oral, anal, lesbian, gay

Join Hotsex for just $29.95

If you’re a visitor click here to see the special visitor’s site

“We did it, we did it!” says Ben in jubilation, clicking on the visitor’s site. “We found sex on the Internet!”

“Bearing in mind this is
research,
you’re sounding incredibly excited,” and I can’t help but smile at Ben’s reaction.

“Oh yes, sorry, I forgot. Research. Yes, this is research. Of course.”

The screen goes black again and then more words of welcome, next to which are three tiny little boxes of a bright blue and green universe, surrounded by a red circle.

And nothing else happens.

“Jesus, what a waste of time,” says Ben. “Where are the bloody pictures?”

“Maybe you have to click on a universe?”

Ben tries, but nothing happens. “Shit, shit, shit. Look, I’ve gotta go for a pee, let’s try and sort it out in a sec. Won’t be a minute.” He walks off and I idly pick up a magazine lying next to the computer while I wait for him to come back.

_p. 42
God, yet another model breaking into the big league and isn’t she gorgeous. I study her platinum blond hair and perfect eyebrows, and then make a mental note to add her to my collection when I get home.

“SHIT!” Ben shouts as his footsteps come running up behind me.

“OH MY GOD!” I look up at the screen and clap my hand over my mouth and both of us, just for a split second, seem to freeze in horror. As soon as we’ve pulled ourselves together, we frantically turn around, breathing sighs of relief that no one else is in the office. Because there on the computer screen, what was a little box containing a universe is now a massive color picture of a naked woman, legs spread, with her mouth wrapped around one man’s penis, while another is standing behind and screwing her.

The picture is crystal clear, every detail shines from the screen, and Ben, once he is sure there is no one other than Jemima to see him, is practically salivating. And Jemima? Jemima wants to die. Jemima has never seen porn before, not proper hard-core porn, and, sitting next to Ben, she blushes furiously, a hot red rising up and covering her face. Don’t look round, she thinks, don’t look at me, Ben, don’t see what I look like.

“What are you two up to?” Geraldine’s striding towards us, as immaculate as ever in a crisp camel suit, large gold earrings, and the omnipresent sunglasses on top of her head.

“Research,” I bluster, feeling more and more stupid even as the color starts to fade from my face.

“Shit,” whispers Ben, but before he can get rid of the picture Geraldine’s in front of the screen.

“Oh my God!” she says, almost under her breath. “Where did that come from?”

“Hotsex,” I mutter.

“Hot what?”

“Hotsex,” repeats Ben. “We found this site on the Internet.”

_p. 43
“You’d better not let anyone see what you’re doing.”

“Really?” says Ben. “Tell me something else I didn’t know.”

Geraldine muscles between us. “Let me have a go,” she says, french manicured nails reaching for the mouse on the table.

“What’s this then?” she says, clicking on to
DOOR ONE
. “What’s behind Door One, I wonder?”

None of us has to wonder long, as the picture disappears and more lines start appearing, another picture. This time a man, head arched back in ecstasy as a semi-naked girl, on her knees in front of him, is shown in graphic detail giving him a blow job.

“God,” whispers Geraldine. “This is hysterical, it’s so, well, so unsexy.” I start to laugh because she’s absolutely right. There is nothing, but nothing, sexy about looking at a pornographic picture on a computer screen. Then Ben starts to laugh, and soon the three of us are clutching our sides and wiping the tears from our eyes. This stuff is far too clinical to turn anyone on.

“Oh dear,” gasps Geraldine, wiping the tears carefully away so as not to smudge her MAC mascara. “What else can we look at?”

“What, more sex?” Even Ben’s surprised.

“No, idiot. I mean aren’t there any other interesting places?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what else to look at.”

“Oh Ben, for God’s sake. Here, let me.” Geraldine gets rid of the sex and clicks a few times, finally coming across
HOT SITES ON THIS NETWORK
.

“That’s probably more sex,” I moan, clutching my heart, which I don’t think can take the strain of another full-color graphic porn picture on the computer screen at work.

“No, it’s not,” says Geraldine, “it’s just sites that are popular.”

And sure enough a new list of sites appears onscreen.

“There, that looks good,” says Geraldine, gesturing at a site called LA Café. Geraldine reads out loud. “ ‘LA Café. The coolest virtual café on the Internet. Grab a cappuccino, the latest articles from the American magazines, and meet other single people, all looking for that one special person.’ ”

_p. 44
“LA Café, here we come,” says Ben, as Geraldine clicks on the site, and the logo comes on the screen.

LA Café

The coolest site for the seriously single

and the cappuccinos you’ve been surfing for all your life

“We have to join but it doesn’t cost anything,” says Geraldine, clicking the
JOIN
logo. A small box appears saying
NAME: KILBURN HERALD
.

“Oh forget that,” she says, “we won’t be picking up anything as the
Kilburn Herald.
What shall we call ourselves?”

“How about the Three Musketeers?” offers Ben, who’s now genuinely excited.

“No. Too obvious.”

“We’re only messing around, let’s come up with a name that sounds suitably sexy,” I offer, really quite curious to see what’s going to happen. I think for a minute. “What about Honey?”

“Brilliant,” says Geraldine, deleting
KILBURN HERALD
and typing in
HONEY
.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” says Ben. “If we join as Honey they won’t know there’s a guy involved. How am I going to pick up women?”

“Be quiet,” says Geraldine, “too late now,” and so it is. We’ve joined the LA Café, or rather Honey has joined the LA Café.

“What do we do now?” I ask, after we’ve sat there for a couple of minutes staring mutely at the logo. “Why don’t we click on one of those boxes on the side?”

“Okay,” shrugs Geraldine, as she clicks on a picture of three heads together.

Who is Here
, it says, as a box flashes up onscreen with a load of names.

Suzie 24

=^..^=Cat

Scott Shearer

Honey

_p. 45
Ben the invincible

Todd

Luscious Lisa:-)

Ricky

Tim@London

Brad (Santa Monica)

Geraldine reads the names. “Well, what the hell’s Tim doing at the LA Café if he’s in London?” she says.

“Same thing as us, presumably,” laughs Ben.

“Let’s find out.” She clicks on his name and immediately another box appears on screen. The box is divided into two. The top half has
Tim@London
over the top, and the bottom, smaller half says
Honey
.

“Hello, fellow Londoner,”
types Geraldine, the words appearing in the small box at the bottom.
“What are you doing at the La Café?”
She presses
RETURN
and the words disappear from the bottom box and reappear at the top, ready for
Tim@London
to read.

“Picking up luscious Californian babes, of course. Why are you here?”

“Just checking it out. Looking for some Californian hunks. Any recommendations?”

“Lol. I’ll have a think.”

Geraldine turns to Ben. “What does Lol mean?”

“Dunno,” he says. “Ask him.”

“What does Lol mean?”

“Laugh out loud. You’re new to this then?”

“First time. Any other tips?”

“Sure. :-) means happy. :-( means unhappy. ;-) means a wink, but also means wink. means grin, means smile, and ROFL means rolling on the floor laughing.”

“Thanks,”
types Geraldine.
“;-)”

“God, this is amazing.” I am truly flabbergasted. “It’s a whole other language. Can I have a go?”

Geraldine moves the mouse over to me and I move my
_p. 46
hands quickly over the keyboard.
”So, have you found your Californian dream babe yet?”

“Yup, talking to her at the moment. Suzie, she’s blond, she’s twenty-four, she’s a hardbody and a total babe.”

“How do you know she’s not lying to you?”

“She said she’ll e-mail me her photo.”

“I hope she’s not lying.”

“We’ll soon find out . So where in London are you?”

I turn to the other two and make a face. “We can’t say Kilburn, it’s too naff.”

“Say West Hampstead,” says Geraldine, “it’s the next best thing.”

So I do as she says and type in
West Hampstead
.

“Wowowow.”
Tim@London types back.
“I’m in Kilburn!!!”

The three of us start laughing.

“Hi, Honey! So how old are you?”
suddenly flashes up on the screen from Todd, and I abandon my conversation with Tim@London.

I type twenty-seven, but Geraldine stops me just as I’m about to press
RETURN
, to send the words to him.

“Don’t say twenty-seven,” she urges. “You don’t have to tell the truth on this. Tell him you’re nineteen.” So I do, realizing she’s absolutely right. I don’t have to tell the truth on the Internet. About anything.

“Just the right age for me!!!”

“How old are you?”

“Thirty-two.”

‘That’s a bit old for me isn’t it?”

“You know what they say about older men . . .”

“Yes. That they should know better than to chat up nineteen-year-olds.”
I press
RETURN
then add a
“
:-)
”
to show that I
’
m joking. Don
’
t want to annoy him. Not yet, anyway.

“Ouch. Not fair.”

“Sorry. But do fill me in, what do they say about older men?”

“Older, wiser, more experienced. In every department.”

_p. 47
Geraldine shrieks with laughter. “Go on,” says Ben, “see if you can get him talking dirty.”

“Oh yes?”
I type.
“Why not tell me EXACTLY what you’re better at.”

“I don’t believe this,” says Ben. “This is sick.” But he’s grinning.

“Okay, Honey. You want to know what would happen if you went out on a date with me?”