Jaq With a Q (Kismet) (20 page)

That was exactly my plan, but I wasn’t going to try to get him to understand it. I didn’t understand it myself. “Don’t worry about it, Silas. If you can’t be supportive than don’t come around here. She doesn’t deserve that.”

“What’s wrong with her anyway?”

“Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her.”

“What about the LSD shit? Did you figure that out?”

I walked across the wood to the other doors leading into the kitchen, needing another beer. A few more. He didn’t get it and I didn’t know how to make him get it, but I did try to see it through his eyes. I sort of understood how he could think that. Jaq was a different person around other people. She did come off as introverted and backwards, but that didn’t give him any right to treat her like he was any better than her. He wasn’t and it pissed me off to think he forgot where he came from, who our dad was, and what he came into this world with. Nothing. The same thing he was leaving it with. The exact same way as Jaq.

Silas threw his hand up, catching the tossed bottle like a professional ball player and I lit into him. “I was aiming for your head. One, she doesn’t need a miracle drug. Two, she doesn’t need a babysitter. Three, she’s doing amazing, and she doesn’t need you coming in here making her feel like shit. Four, she’s not the lucky one here, I am. Five, if you think for one second, I’m going to let you talk down to her, you’re crazy. You can go get in your rental car and get the hell out of here. Six, you ever talk about her like that again, I’ll break your fucking nose. We clear here, Silas?”

Silas cleared his throat and nodded, but not at my threat. It was at Jaq, standing right behind me in the barely cracked door.

Jaq looked up with her head down, speaking loud enough for my ears only, a faint whispered tone. “Something’s wrong, Ollie.”

I stepped inside alarmed, forgetting I had a brother at all. “What’s wrong?”

“I heard what you said.”

“What’s wrong, Jaq?” I asked again.

Jaq looked down at her hand and then smiled up to me. “The knob came off. I can’t get any hot.”

I smiled right back, placing my hand over hers and the broken knob. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fix it. The whole thing needed replaced. “No shower. You’re just going to have to suck it up and take a nice hot bubble bath.”

“Okay, but come here.”

Of course, I went. I was like a puppet on the string with her and she controlled the strings. “Don’t worry about Silas. Forget anything he says. He’s nowhere near as smart as you are.”

Jaq smiled, blowing out a short puff of air when I trapped her with my hands, a sad smile. “Nobody’s ever done that for me before, Ollie. I’m very grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I want you to know that.”

“I know you are, Jaq.”

“Ollie?”

I had to raise her eyes to mine, using a finger under her chin. “What, baby?”

“I—I, you know.”

My lips met hers. “I love you, too.”

“Wait. I want to say it.”

“Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin it for you.”

“Dummy. I love you.”

I kissed her after every syllable. “I. Love. You.”

My brother to brother talk with Silas did wonders for the rest of his stay. He was in the kitchen when I woke the following morning, coffee already brewing.

“Morning, I made a quiche. It’s in the oven.”

“Yeah, I smell it. Go put a shirt on.”

“Why? You jealous?” he smiled, his arm grabbing me into a quick headlock.

“Fucker, get off me.”

I poured honey in Jaq’s cup and heated water for her tea.

“I’m sorry, Oliver. I’m an ass. I’ll apologize to her.”

Leaning against the sink, I watched her outside the door with Cleo and Leo. She ran from side to side, both of them playfully trying to catch her. “It’s not what you think, Silas. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m so in love with her it’s not even funny. I feel a strong pull towards her, but also a profound sense of grief. It’s strange. Like shit dad used to say. Her energy is different from anyone I have ever been around, strong and magnetic.”

“Wow, little brother. That’s deep.”

I scratched just below my eye and watched her pick up Mama Quinn, kissing and snuggling her like they were best friends. “It’s nonsensical. None of this was planned. This was about dad’s breakthrough drug on the mental health field, maybe I’d get some sort of recognition, and help her out along the way. Hell, I haven’t even looked for the notebooks. She doesn’t need drugs. She just needs someone to love her and I do. I believe I was intuitively sensing that the very first time I heard her voice. She needed me to come into her life at precisely the moment I did, but the strange part is, I needed her, too. Our paths crossed for a reason, Silas, at this point in time for a reason. I believe that with everything in me. Do you know that feeling you get when you meet someone for the first time, electric and amazing? You’re sure you were fated to meet and you feel a really deep connection with this person, but you don’t know why?”

Silas raised his hands, letting them slap on his legs. “No, I have no clue what you’re saying, but it sounds too deep for me. I’m sorry, and I promise to keep my mouth shut, but will you answer one question?”

“What?”

“Are you having sex with her?”

“About that.”

“You are, aren’t you?”

“No, but I’m sure it’s going to happen. I hope. Remember a couple weeks ago when you said something about buying into some birth control company?”

“An investment. Let me guess. You need some.”

“Well, I would like to know more about it first, but yes. Can you hook me up?”

“You got any vodka for that coffee?”

Silas’s visit turned out to be more beneficial than I would have ever thought. With his help, we managed to finish the whole porch, and he was way too nice to Jaq. I ended up telling him to shut the hell up and leave her alone. He kept trying to talk to her, but she wasn’t answering back, not a look, not a smile. Either she totally ignored him, or she looked to me, sometimes a hidden smile, mostly in her eyes.

The weekend turned out better than how it had started, but I still didn’t want him back anytime soon. I loved him, I missed having him around, but Jaq wasn’t ready for Silas just yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. Not this weekend.

Chapter Nineteen

Silas left for the airport Sunday evening and I followed him out, him going one way, and me the other. I was so happy to get back to Jaq and me. I wasn’t used to her being that quiet. She didn’t say a word around Silas, but to get her to shut up after we went to bed was like pulling teeth. Talking wasn’t really what I had in mind after not being able to touch her all day. Listening to her analyzing my brother while my fingers were between her legs sort of ruined it for me.

Jaq was in the kitchen when I unlocked the door, calling to her with plenty of warning after the quick run to the store. Puppy food that couldn’t wait. “Jaq, it’s me. I’m back without Silas. I brought you wine to celebrate.”

I followed the laugh to the kitchen, finding her making a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Silas had made us all one the day before for lunch when we took a painting break.

“He wasn’t so bad.”

I walked right up behind her and wrapped her in my arms, a pink rose and bottle of wine, one in each hand. “He means well. Watcha doin’?”

“Nobody ever gave me flowers before.”

“You kidding? I give you flowers all the time. And wine. Don’t forget about the wine.”

Jaq snorted and turned to face me. “I like the wine better than the flowers. I’d rather you just let the rose live longer. It’s sort of pointless, don’t you think?”

I blinked, confused by her response. “I’m confused. Are you thanking me for bringing you flowers or are you giving me hell for picking them?”

“Well, both. I love that you think of me and bring stuff, but I’d rather you bring me a live one. One that we can plant and enjoy watching it live, not die. But I still appreciate it. I do.”

I stared into her pool-blue eyes, baffled. For someone who wanted to die not too long ago, she was adamantly passionate toward life. All life. Fish, stray cats, puppies that needed each other, and now flowers. The sad part was, it made perfect sense. I don’t know why, it just did. “You’re uniquely one of a kind, Jaq with a Q, and I love you,” with a kiss to her nose I left her to her sandwich. “I’m going to grab a shower. Do you want to go lay on the dock and look at the stars? It’s supposed to be a really clear night.”

“Yes. That sounds like fun.”

“I’ll be back in ten. Make us a thermos of hot chocolate.”

I felt liberated, so happy, and content to have things back to normal. That made me laugh to myself. Like anything about this was normal. It didn’t matter. Not as long as Jaq was happy. Me being happy was an added benefit. Quickly showering, I noticed the water pressure, thanks to Silas helping me change the stupid thing. So much better.

Whistling while I slid a long sleeve shirt over my head, pulling on trail-shorts, I went to Jaq, grabbing the blanket from the back of the sofa. I dropped it when I saw the pink box, and her mouth full of chocolate.

“Now this, you can bring me all the time.”

“Spit it out,” I yelled, my hand grabbing the pretty pink box from her hands. I freaked out seeing the Gummy Bears package unwrapped, along with everything else. “What did you eat, Jaq?”

“Ollie, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“Did you eat the Gummy Bears? Did you Jaq?”

“No.”

“Why are they opened? Don’t lie to me, Jaq. Did you eat any of them?”

“No, I don’t like them. I only opened it to see. Why? I thought it was for me. I thought that’s why you wanted me to make hot chocolate. So I would see it,” she explained with great determination, wanting me to believe her.

I took the rest of the box and dumped it in the trash. “You can’t eat this. There’s something in the Gummy Bears.”

“What is it? What’s in them?”

“A drug I was going to use to try to imitate my dad’s discovery. Silas got it for me, only he’s an idiot. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. Are you ready?”

Jaq’s frightened face recovered and she sighed, relieved. “Yes, I made the hot chocolate.”

“Come on. Let’s go. I’ve been waiting for this all day.”

I held her hand and led her to the lake, already admiring the view.

“Whoa, look up, Ollie.”

The sky was covered in twinkling lights above the lake. “I know. Told ya.”

I spread the blanket on the dock and kissed her before pulling her into my lap. She sat between my legs with my arms around her and we talked about the swan eggs that would soon hatch. “You’re not going to name them all are you?”

Jaq swayed to the left a little and I kissed the side of her face. “Ollie?”

“What?”

“Hypothetically speaking, what if I only ate one Gummy Bear?”

My arms dropped to my sides and I turned her to look at me. “Why didn’t you just tell me, Jaq?”

“I was scared. Whoa. Oh, my God, Ollie. Look up. They’re moving.”

“Come on, let’s go up to the house.”

“I don’t want to. Look at the colors. Is that energy? Is that what you mean when you say everything’s energy? Look at the trees. Wow. Do you see it? It’s so pretty, Ollie. It is,” she cried. Literally. Her words full of emotion.

I scooped her up and carried her in my arms, only she didn’t make it easy. Her arms relaxed with her neck, and her head turned, looking all around at everything she could see. Reaching for the air with her fingers she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“You’re my best friend. I love you. I love you. I love you, Ollie.”

“I heard you. I love you, too.”

“Well, I love you. I love everyone. That flower is my favorite, you’re my favorite, and I even love Silas. I love you, Ollie. Can you feel it? Can you feel how much I love you?”

“Swear to me you only ate one, Jaq.”

“It’s okay, Ollie. I’m okay. I like it. It’s good. You should eat one. I like Gummy Bears now.”

“Jaq how many did you eat?”

Jaq placed her hands on each side of my face, her face close to mine. “I ate a red one.”

“Just a red one?”

“Yes. Ollie?”

I carried her through the door and dropped her to the couch. “I’m going to get you something to drink.”

“I want wine.”

I walked to the kitchen, keeping a close eye on her, my heart beating out of my chest. Jesus. How could I let this happen? I should have gotten rid of it. I should have never gotten it. I should have hidden it better. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

My first thought was to call Silas, but that was an instant bad idea. He’d never let me live this one down. I just prayed that it was one and not two or three. All I could do was believe her. If it was only one, she’d be fine. She’d trip for a while, but she’d be okay. It was the chance of her inducing more than she said that had me freaked out. I could just see the sheriff breathing down my neck again. He would have loved to bust my balls and he would, too. In a heartbeat.

The first hour was experienced with Jaq talking. A lot. Sometimes it was ninety miles an hour and the next slow and slurred. One minute she was laughing as hard as she could at the dogs, and the next sitting in my lap, crying over something she’d told me about her mom.

“Do you know how she got here, Ollie? In the states?”

I cradled her in my arms, trying to keep her from freaking out. So far I was fine with where she was, and I’d started to believe that it was only one.

“Do you, Ollie?”

“No, baby. Tell me.”

“She was supposed to come here for one month with a nice man. She liked him and she thought he would keep her. Only he wasn’t nice. She was entertainment for his rich friends. Right there in New York City. One of them is my dad. Nineteen. That’s how many dads’ I have. Sometimes they all took turns with her, and sometimes they came to her room. Open door policy. That’s what he told his group of suited men while displaying her. He bought her with money and passed her off like a company benefit. Right next to their health insurance and Christmas bonus. All hours of the day and night for an entire month. Some of them were nice to her and some of them very mean.”

“Why didn’t she get sent back?”

“I feel funny, Ollie.”

“You’re okay. I’ve got you. Why didn’t she get sent back?”

“Something happened. The guy who bought her tried and tried to get a hold of her owner, but he couldn’t. She thinks he got busted.”

“What happened next? Where did she go?”

“He drove her to a homeless shelter, made her suck his dick one more time, and made her get out. That’s where she met my God mother, if that’s what you want to call her, and then she had me.”

I knew it was the time or place, but she was a little kid when the state took her from her mom. She had a right to know. “Jaq, your mom’s not in prison.”

“I know. She hung herself not long after she was sent there.”

“You knew that? You told me she got life in prison.”

“She did. I needed to believe that she was going to get better, get out, and come back for me, but I don’t need to hold on to that anymore,” she assured me, moving up my lap, one leg on each side of mine. Her tongue parted my lips and her hips ground into my crotch.

Bam! Just like that. A light switch, her mind moving onto something else. “What are you doing? Behave.”

“I’m ready now, Ollie. I want you to make love to me.”

My hands grabbed her wrists, and I stood, lifting her with me to the floor, only she didn’t put her feet down. “Oh, no. We’re not doing that. Behave. Let’s go out on the porch and look at the stars. That’s a better way to trip.”

Jaq placed her feet on the floor and her hands on the snap of my shorts. “Please, Ollie. I want to now. For you.”

“I don’t want to do that. We’ll wait until you’re not tripping on Gummy Bears.”

“You lied. You said you wouldn’t touch me until I wanted you to. I want you to.”

I shook my head, trying to get a hold of her. “Stop taking your clothes off. We’re not having sex.”

“Fine. I’m just going to lay on the couch. You can come if you want.”

I watched her naked ass walk away, clothes trailing behind, but she forgot what she was doing before she made it to the sofa. Her arms swung back and forth and she wanted me to look at all the colors again. That’s all I could do. It wasn’t like I could do anything for her. Then again, Jaq seemed to be having a whole lot more fun than I was.

For a quick second, I wondered if psychedelics didn’t also make her telepathic. She lunged toward me, her arms wrapping around my neck. “You have to go eat a Gummy Bear out of the trash. Come on, Ollie. Do it with me.”

My hands went to her waist when she spun in a circle, and my mind fought the urge to grab a handful of boob. I did kiss her on the neck though, letting my lips lightly suck before remembering that she was higher than a kite. “I’m not eating Gummy Bears out of the trash. What can I do to help?”

Jaq laughed and spun out of my arms again. “I’m not in Kansas anymore.”

“Nope, you’re definitely not in Kansas anymore.”

“How long is it going to last?”

“Do you swear you only ate one?”

“What if it was three?”

“Jesus, are you serious? Tell me, Jaq. How many did you eat?”

“A red one.”

“How many red ones?”

“One red one. I swear. I was just wondering if three would make me feel different or like this for longer. I’m serious, Ollie. You should do this with me. It’s fucking amazing and I don’t even say that word because it’s dirty and I know what it means, but I don’t care what it means. It doesn’t even matter, Ollie. None of this does. Like, I feel—I feel—so connected. This is a video game. We’re in a video game. We’re not in here. We’re out there, way out there.”

I stepped back when she lunged again, this time wrapping her legs around my waist. That’s when I knew I was in for a long night. For a tiny second, I may have thought about dumpster diving to make it be okay. To make it not feel like I was taking advantage of her.

“I bet that’s why we met. We’re connected. Maybe from before we came here from a different source. Oh…I know. I bet we were together in a past life. Like maybe our souls are forever and ever connected. Connected. Say that word, Ollie. Connected.”

Every time I opened my mouth to respond, she was on to something else, and honestly, it sort of made me want to go there with her, see what she was seeing. I might have done it had it been anyone but Jaq, but one of us needed to stay in Kansas.

“Whoa, did you hear that?”

“It was—Leo.”

Jaq totally ignored me. She dropped her feet to the floor and walked out the door, down the steps, and toward the lake. I had to skip to keep up, once again grabbing the blanket, this time for naked Jaq.

“What are you doing?”

“Stargazing. You said that’s what we were going to do.”

I slipped my shirt over my head and handed it to her. “Okay, put this shirt on.”

She dropped it, walking right on top of it. “Oh, my God. Is this real life? Look up, Ollie. Please tell me you’re seeing what I’m seeing.”

The sky looked amazing to me and I wasn’t on LSD. Billions of stars speckled the entire sky. “I see it.”