Jane Carver of Waar (16 page)

Sai was just saying “Yes yes, perhaps ’tis for the best to abandon...” When he trailed off. He was looking along the riverbank. I followed his gaze.

A string of brightly colored wagons was parked in front of a dockside tavern, and as we watched, a crowd of bizarros in wacky hats and masks straggled out of the joint, yawning and stretching. A balding old guy as thin and wrinkly as a stick of jerky followed them out, shouting. “Hurry now, you lazy lamlots. We’ve near to slept though our entrance.”

A midget in what looked like a yellow mini-skirt and tarantula dreadlocks bitched back at him. “’Tis your own fault, you miser. If you hadn’t booked us in Rivi last night and Saen-Lat this morning with a thirty iln march between we’d be fresh as new paint.”

Sai looked from the freaks to the gate, then slowly turned and gave me the once over like he was seeing me for the first time. He got a wild look in his eyes and licked his lips. Oh hell, I thought. Here it comes.

“Mistress Jae-En, I think for once your... er, unique nature may be an advantage. It appears that Kedac holds an entertainment this evening, no doubt for the amusement of Wen-Jhai. And these mad-cap fellows...”

“Yeah yeah, I get it. I’ll fit right in with the freak show. Thanks.”

Sai blushed. “My apologies, mistress. I meant no offence, but, er, you must admit...”

“Give it up before you swallow your whole leg, Sai. I already said I was in. But are these guys are just going to let us join up with them? I’d be a mite suspicious about some joker who wanted to use me to sneak into a castle.”

Sai shook his head. “I was not suggesting we approach them, but merely...” He finger walked his two hands, one tip-toeing up behind the other. “...become part of their train.”

“You think the guards are just gonna figure we’re part of the circus?”

Sai looked uncomfortable. “Once again, Mistress Jae-En, I draw your attention reluctantly to your appearance. You will forgive me, but I doubt they will give us a second look.”

Damnit, he wasn’t wrong. There had to be some excuse. “But, uh, what about you? And our clothes? And our swords? We’re not dressed like freaks, and they’re not gonna let us in armed to the teeth.”

Sai frowned. “You are correct. These are indeed obstacles. Well, hmmm, we shall hide our weapons here, and...”

“Hide our...! Are you nuts? This is crazy enough as it is. Without our weapons it’s suicide.”

Sai raised a finger like he was making a point in debating club. “You forget, Mistress, that I have no intention of fighting. I merely wish to speak to my beloved and retire.”

“And if somebody spots us you’ll be retired permanently! Things go wrong, Sai. Happens everyday.”

Sai swallowed. “Well then, we will just have to take extra care. Now come, place your sword here with mine under this skiff, and as to our clothes... You will do as you are, while I...”

I stared at him as he started to unbuckle the straps that held his sleeve in place. The little bonehead was insane. Scared out of his wits to face one guy, but totally oblivious to the dangers of walking into hostile territory unarmed. He was like one of those idiots you read about in the news who go splat on the sidewalk climbing out a tenth floor bedroom window because they didn’t want to face some jealous husband. Sometimes what you’re afraid of has nothing to do with what’s actually dangerous.

Of course, the real crazy one was me. At this point I should have let him go join the freaks and gone back for a couple of drinks with Lhan, but I’m a different kind of idiot—the kind that doesn’t go back on her word, even when the other guy changes all the rules halfway through the game.

Sai pulled off his sleeve so that he was naked to the waist—and nearly naked below it, as usual. He took out his dagger and cut two holes in the shoulder end of the sleeve, then pulled it down over his head like a stick-up punk putting a pair of panty-hose on his head. He tugged the holes down until they were over his eyes. The rest of the bright yellow sleeve flopped over his back like a windsock. He looked like a gay Klansman with erectile problems. He did a little dance and looked up at me. “Well? Will I pass as a clown?”

“Oh, you’ll do more than pass.”

Sai looked relieved. It went right over his head. “Then we have some hope of success.”

I groaned. “Sai, we’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell.”

“Snowball? I know not...” He stopped. We heard the creak and jingle of the circus wagons as they passed our hiding place. Sai made some Oran holy sign with his fingers and stepped forward. “Come, mistress. ’Tis now or never.”

“How about never?”

He ignored me and stepped in behind the last wagon. I sighed and followed him. I felt naked without my sword.

***

Amazingly, it went just like he said it would—at least the getting-through-the-gate part did. It helped that as we were waiting in line, a gang of cross-dressing tumblers pulled up behind us and we got lost in the shuffle. The guards just waved us through all together.

But getting in so easy didn’t make me feel any better. Walking up the cliffside switchbacks and seeing all the marines and ki-tens and crossbows and iron gates, all I could think about was how the hell we were going to get back out when everything went south. Notice I said when, not if. With Sai involved I couldn’t see how we’d manage to pull this off without a hitch.

The picture didn’t get any brighter when we walked into the castle itself. Security was tighter than a flounder’s sphincter. The main entrance into the castle courtyard had a double set of drop-down iron gates with big spikes on the bottom. There were guards every five feet and crossbow guys all along the tops of the walls.

Sai was checking them out too. He swallowed. “Perhaps... perhaps...”

I put an arm around his shoulders. “If you say you’re getting cold feet now I’m going to throw you off the cliff.”

He gave me a sick little smile. “I was going to say nothing of the kind.”

“Good.”

We could see the fancy carriages dropping off fancy people at a pair of tall gold doors at the far end of the courtyard. That’s not where we went. The guards steered all the acts to a small door around a corner where a fat guy in a deep purple robe waved us into line. He looked like a snooty eggplant. “Hurry now, hurry. You’re late as it is already. They’ve begun the second meat course.”

The freaks parked their wagons and unloaded their gear as quick as they could while Eggplant bustled around with a list, checking people off. This is it, I thought. This is where they pull off our fake moustaches and feed us to the ki-tens. We tried to stay as close to the wagons as we could, but that wasn’t enough. We needed to look busy. I caught the midget’s eye. “Need any help?”

He scowled at me. “Look to your own kit... er, lass.”

Eggplant found us a minute later. “And you are?”

I could see the sweat popping out on Sai’s forehead. I was a little damp myself. I jerked a thumb over my shoulder at Slim-Jim’s crew. “We’re with them.”

Eggplant raised an eyebrow. He called to Slim-Jim. “Are these yours, Jit-Bur?”

Slim-Jim gave us the once over. “Never seen them before in my life.”

My whole body tensed, ready to fight. It would have been pointless with so many guards around. But instinct doesn’t know from pointless. I heard Sai whimper beside me.

Eggplant turned on me, glaring. He put his hands on his hips. “Coin catchers, eh? Well, no-one gets paid who isn’t on this list, so you might as well start walking. And if I didn’t have such a kind heart I’d throw you out on your hindquarters.”

I almost melted with relief. He thought we were just angling for a spot on the show, not trying to sneak into Kedac’s bride’s boudoir. The plan had tanked, just like I’d thought, but at least we weren’t going to end up as ki-ten kibble. Now we could go back to the inn and drink ourselves stupid like I’d wanted to all along.

I hadn’t counted on Sai.

He crossed his wrists and bowed his head to Eggplant. “Please, noble master? We ask for no pay, just the opportunity to perform before his most benevolent excellency the Kir-Dhanan.”

Eggplant laughed. “An opportunity to pass the hat is more like it.” He harrumphed and made a big show of checking his list as I died inside for about the tenth time that night. Finally he looked up. “Well, you’re in luck. The Vinkolt sword-divers haven’t shown and the axe juggler had a little mishap while warming up, so we have a place open. What do you do?”

I had no idea what we did. I was a big pink freak. Wasn’t that enough? Fortunately—or maybe, now that I think about it, unfortunately—Sai, for once in his life, was firing on all cylinders. “She... she is, Mistress Jae-En, the demon giantess of far Oompaloo. The strongest being, man or woman, on all Waar.”

Eggplant shrugged, unimpressed. “A strength act?” He gave me another look. “Well, at least you have
some
novelty going for you.” He turned to Sai. “And what do you do, besides beg?”

Sai picked that moment to run out of ideas. “I... I, er... I. That is...”

I grabbed him by the belt and lifted him over my head one-handed. Sai squeaked like a kid getting a wedgie, which is exactly what he was. I smirked at Eggplant. “He makes funny noises.”

Eggplant and a lot of the other acts gaped. Eggplant opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish. “Astonishing. You... You may do very well. Very well indeed.”

I set Sai down. He collapsed to his knees, moaning. Eggplant pulled himself together and gave us a hard look. “You are welcome to any coin that freely comes your way, but if I catch you turning up your palms...” He made a chopping motion. “You’ll have no hands to count your riches with, comprehend?”

I nodded. Sai was too busy groaning.

The freaks had finished unloading their props, so Eggplant motioned for everybody to follow him through the door. I helped Sai up and we got in line. He was kinda pale. “Mistress, that was most... uncomfortable.”

“Sorry, Sai. It was all I could think of.”

We started down a tight hallway. Eggplant called back down the line. “You’ll be staged in the servants’ dining hall until your turn is called. Do not wander off. Anyone found in a forbidden area will be killed.”

Nobody else batted an eye. They probably heard it in every castle they gigged in, but Sai and I exchanged uneasy glances. Forbidden areas were exactly where we were going to wander off to.

The mess area was so low I had to duck my head every five feet so I wouldn’t knock myself loco on the heavy wood beams that held up the ceiling. It was hot and smelly too. Too many show folk packed into too little space: contortionists twisting themselves into pretzels, acrobats turning handsprings, jugglers, singers and acts I couldn’t even begin to guess at, all talking and sweating at once.

A woman in a dress that looked like she was being attacked by cheerleader pom-poms wasn’t helping any. She had some kind of dog act. They weren’t dogs, of course. They were little piggy six-legged red things, cat size, but with heads like a fruit bat’s: huge ears and noses that looked like they’d been turned inside out. It wasn’t their looks that drove me nuts. They made a noise like a pack of dentist drills gone feral, and of course everybody was trying to shout over them so it all got louder and louder. My little problem with enclosed spaces started to come on pretty quick.

I shouted in Sai’s ear. “What’s the deal? This fucking castle is huge. Why is this place so cramped?”

Sai looked at me like I’d asked why wheels weren’t square. “Why, to make room for the spaces where people actually live.”

“Don’t the servants live here?”

“Yes.” He looked toward the door we had come in and changed the subject like he’d answered my question. “Have you a plan, Mistress Jane? We have done remarkably well so far, but you see that both doors are guarded.”

I stared at him. He’d just blown off half the population of his country with one word and he didn’t seem to notice. Servants weren’t people. Nice to know. I had half a mind to give him an earful about it, but this really wasn’t the time. Some day when we weren’t up shit creek without a canoe. I checked out the doors.

There were two—the one we came in, back to the narrow hallway, and another one that led to a flight of stairs. Every ten minutes or so, Eggplant would pop out of that one and call for the next act, so it probably went up to the banquet room.

We didn’t have swords anymore, so fighting our way out would be a little tough, and even if we did have swords, fighting wasn’t the smartest option. People were going to notice if I just walked over and decapitated one of the guards, and the whole point of this shindig was to get in, talk to Wen-Jhai, and get out without anybody in the castle the wiser.

We needed a distraction—some kind of craziness that would pull the guards away from the doors. I looked around the room again. It was pretty crazy in there already. People were getting hot under the collar everywhere I turned. Everybody was in everybody else’s way. You couldn’t turn around without tripping over somebody’s feet or bumping somebody’s elbow. It wouldn’t take much to push it over the edge. If only those damn bat-pig things would shut up and let me think.

I almost smacked myself in the forehead. Duh! The bat-pigs. I turned to Sai. “Okay, I got it. Get ready to move.”

A whistle stabbed me in the ear. I looked up. Eggplant was waving at Sai and me from the stairs. “Strength act! Wake yourselves. Bring your giantess, little man. You’re on.”

Sai shot a glance at me. “Oh, but...”

I stood up. “We’re not ready.”

Eggplant laughed. “If you’re not ready you don’t go on at all. I’ll turn you over to the guards for wasting my time. Now hurry. Quick step, quick step.”

What the hell could we do? I started for the door. Sai hung back. I grabbed his arm and pulled him along.

He squeaked. “But how can we...?”

I hissed in his ear. “Our only chance is to go do our song and dance, then come back here and hope we’ll still get to pull the fire alarm when we get back.”

“But we have no act! What are we going to do?”

“This was your idea. You tell me.”

“But I never expected...”