Jake (The Highland Clan Book 4) (19 page)

“Jake? Is something wrong?” She placed her chin on his shoulder as she waited for his response.

“Nay.” He paused to gather his thoughts. He did not want to muck this up. “Aline, I do not know how else to say this except to come right out and ask. Over the last fortnight, I’ve come to have verra strong feelings for you. And the night we were together was one of the most wonderful nights I’ve ever shared with anyone. I love you, Aline, and I would like to, I mean would you…Will you marry me and do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Chapter Twenty-One

Aline could not have been more shocked. Why hadn’t she seen this coming? “Jake, I…I…I’m flattered, but I do not think I’m in a position to marry right now. I have to take care of my two sisters.”

“I’ll help you raise them. I did not mean you would have to leave them with someone else. We’ll be a family to start.”

She stared at her hands. “I cannot. I’m sorry. I just…”

“You do not love me? But you said you thought you did, and that night, what we shared…”

She reached up to touch his cheek. “Aye, our night was wonderful, and I shall always treasure that memory. And I know you would be wonderful with my sisters. ‘Tis just that…”

“What? Please help me to understand. I love you, Aline. I want to help you in any way possible, but I want you in my arms every night and every morning.”

She closed her eyes, praying for strength. No matter how she said it, she would hurt him. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew there was no recourse. “If I were to marry anyone, it would be you, Jake. I do not know if I could ever marry. After Hew and the way he treated me, I do not wish to be under the control of any man. I want to be free.”

“But that’s not what marriage is about. Have you not seen my parents together? My father does not control my mother. He loves her. They share a life together, they are respectful of each other’s needs. I am not at all like Hew Gordon, and I’m offended that you could think I would be.”

Hellfire, but now she’d gone and made him mad. Perhaps that was preferable to hurting him. “I know you are naught like Hew. I did not mean that. I just need…I need time, Jake. I’m so sorry, but I’m just getting to know my sisters again, and I do not know how I could take care of the three of you.” How she wished she had anticipated this so she could have formulated a better reason, any reason that sounded true, anything but the truth. Everything she said sounded feeble. She doubted he would believe any of it.

“You do not need to take care of me, just love me. ‘Tis all I need.”

Why was this so difficult? Because in her heart she knew that there is naught that would make her happier than being his wife. “I do love you, but…” she took a deep breath and sighed. There was a better reason she couldn’t marry him, but she just couldn’t tell him. No matter what, she would keep her secret well hidden.

***

Jake stood, indicating he was done with the conversation. “All right. If this is what you want.” A cool breeze blew across the courtyard, and he held his face up to it, letting the chill soak into him. His world had just fallen apart. What a fool he’d been.

He held his hand out to her. “Come, I’ll walk you back.”

“I’m sorry, Jake.”

“No need. You cannot change how you feel.” Rejected. Thank the heavens above he hadn’t told anyone he was proposing to her. How embarrassed he would be if his family learned he had proposed to a lass and been rejected. Jamie would never let him forget it.

After they climbed up the steps, he reached for the door, but at the last moment he pulled back. “If you ever change your mind, I’ll be waiting. I’m not interested in anyone else.”

She stood on her toes and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. He had to hold himself back from pulling her tight so he could taste all of her.

Later that night, he tossed and turned in his bed, tortured because she was in a chamber down the passageway. He finally could stand it no longer and strode down the passageway and up the staircase to the parapets. His sire would know what to do. Hadn’t his mother been mistreated, too? Had they experienced similar problems before settling into their loving marriage?

As soon as he stepped into the breeze, he shivered. Winter was coming. The leaves had all fallen, and the view from the parapets was all pine trees and snow-capped mountains.

“Jake,” his father stated. The simple greeting was the same one he always delivered when Jake joined him up here.

Jake leaned on the stone next to his father. “I’ve come for advice.”

“Your mother said I’d be seeing you soon.” He gave him a sideways glance, then turned to face his land again, resting his elbow on the edge of the stone wall.

“How did she know?” Hellfire, his mother and father knew everything.

“Because your mother has been in Aline’s situation before. She did not have the bairns to worry about, but all else was the same. Running from an abusive man, moving to a strange land, and receiving attentions from a stubborn lad who knows what he wants and won’t give up easily.”

Jake grinned. “I guess you have that perfect. Am I as stubborn as you?”

“Your mother thinks so, and after the episode with the rocks, I cannot disagree with her. So tell me what brings you here. What was your last conversation with the lass? I see she is still quite anxious to move into a cottage with Effie.”

“I asked her to marry me, and she refused. I have not shared this with anyone, not even Jamie.” He pursed his lips, not wanting to continue. He wanted to hear his father’s thoughts before he shared his own.

“Did she give you a reason?”

“Several. She’s just getting to know her sisters, she doesn’t think she could take care of three people, but the one I’m most worried about is that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to live under a man’s control again. If that is true, we’ll never marry and I may as well start looking for another. I mean, at first I thought I might have just rushed the proposal, that mayhap it would be best if I let her settle before asking her again. But she made it sound as though she’ll never be interested in marriage.”

A deep sigh came from his father as he continued to stare out at the trees and mountains before them. They were silent for an eternity, or it seemed so to Jake. He could easily have run to the kitchens for a snack before his sire spoke again, but he knew from experience to give his sire time to work his thoughts. When he finally turned to face him, Jake could see the pain in his eyes.

“Your mother needed time. She’d been whipped and beaten and raped. Whenever I took a step toward her, she took a step back. She was afraid of me, but why wouldn’t she be, after what two men had done to her before? Aline is a strong woman, or she would not have made it this far.”

“So what did you do?”

“I gave her the time she needed. Sometimes, she would run away from me in our chamber, but I never left. I had to prove to her that I would never harm her, no matter how angry I became. That I would never force her. You have a similar temper. They have to trust you won’t use that temper on them. Many abusers are verra sweet until they lose their temper. You do not know what her situation was like. Mayhap ‘twould help her to talk about it.”

“I’ll ask her. I do not know if ‘twill work.”

“Your uncle Robbie went through the same thing with Caralyn. She turned him down at first, not believing she was worthy of Robbie. She’d lived with a man who called her stupid. It was hard for her to believe in herself.”

“And what did Uncle Robbie do?”

“He gave her time to come to around to the idea of marriage. I might add that I agree with your comment that you did not give Aline much time to get acclimated to our home. I gave your mother a few days before I tried to court her, and that was long before we spoke of marriage.”

“I know. Mayhap I’ll just back down.”

Alex stared out over the land, assuming his thinking position again. “Do you know what I realized once I became a father to lassies?”

“Nay. Please tell me. I do not understand them at all.” He rubbed his knuckles against his jawline, his frustration coming out of him in strange ways.

“Tell me this first. When was the last time you feared being attacked? Let me explain before you answer. You are familiar with the feeling of being on the battlefield, men all around you with swords, horses out of control, arrows whizzing by your ear.”

“And stones thanks to Loki and Kenzie.”

His father smirked. “And stones. You know not who could come out and attack you, and you are on alert, your blood speeding so fast you can almost hear it. You’ve been there?”

“Of course. I experienced all of that in the Castle Dubh courtyard while standing near Hew Gordon.”

“And it’s most tiring, is it not?”

“Aye. But what has this to do with lasses?”

“Do you realize that once a lass reaches womanhood that she has to deal with that sensation every day of her life? Every time she walks alone she has to look over her shoulder. Every time she relieves herself in the woods. Every time it’s dark out. Every time a man moves toward her and puts her in the corner or an alcove. Every time she is alone in the stables. They must be always aware of where they are and who is around them. They have to be.”

“Verra true, but what is your point?”

“Do you have to deal with those kinds of fears while strolling on Grant land?”

“Nay.” His brow furrowed and he turned to face the horizon as his father did. “I’ve never looked at it that way.”

“I didn’t either until your sister Eliza got frustrated and yelled at me for warning her every time she stepped out the door. Don’t go alone, take a friend, watch over your shoulder, be back before dark, stay away from the stables at night. She asked me why I never told my sons the same thing. And she’s absolutely correct. I’ve never given any of you those warnings. But I have to warn Kyla and Eliza.”

“So they must always walk in fear.” Jake rubbed his jaw again, starting to see the world from a different point of view.

“Even more so for lasses who’ve experienced that type of abuse. Eliza doesn’t have as much fear because of all her brothers and uncles and me. Now your mother? After all these years, I still see it in her. She glances over her shoulder at odd times, I feel her pulse increase in the dark or in crowds, as if she expects to be attacked at any moment. Aline likely feels exactly the same.”

“What you’re saying is they’ve learned to fear men.”

“Exactly. And they have to unlearn it. It takes a strong mind to do that. But it can be done.”

“So I need to wait?”

“Aye. You must give her the time she needs. Tell her that, tell her you will wait for her. When she knows you will not push her, I think it will mean more to her.”

“Thanks, Papa.”

“I hope it works. She’s a fine lass, and she’s had a difficult time.”

“Can I ask you another question?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you stop Mama from hitting us that night in the stables? I almost wish she had.” If she had, he may not have been so foolish out in the rock field.

“If I had been worried about you, I would have let her hit you. You deserved it. But I was worried about
her
.”

Jake turned sideways to look at his father. “What? Why?”

“Because if she had connected with your face, she would have had to deal with the guilt of becoming violent. She would have considered herself no better than an abuser. I couldn’t allow her to go through that.”

“You thought of all that in such a short time?” Jake was astonished at his father’s insight.

“When you love someone, you understand how their mind works. She only cried twice for
almost
hitting you. If she had hit you, she’d probably still be crying from the guilt.”

The door opened behind them. Jamie came through first, holding the door open for their mother, who rushed right into their sire’s arms, letting him cocoon her against his warm body. Jamie stood to the left of Jake, while his parents were to his right.

“What brings you here, love?” Alex asked. “What a pleasant surprise.” He kissed her temple.

“I thought I might find Jake up here with you, and Jamie offered to walk with me.”

“Did you need me for something, Mama?”

“Nay. I just wanted to say thank you for making your da and me so proud. You, too, Jamie, even though you were not there at the end. Being part of the scouting group and protecting everyone at home is just as important. You both played a part in rescuing those two lovely lasses and those poor bairns. You removed a cruel threat from near our land, and you brought us a new daughter.” She squeezed his sire’s arms when she said that. “And she’s quite smitten with her new da.”

“Has she spoken yet or smiled?” Jamie asked.

“Aye, a few words here and there, and she smiles more each day. I am not concerned. She’s still verra young.”

A silence settled between them and they all stared out over the Grant land.

His mother said, “Jake. I need to say something to you and Jamie. I’d like to do it while we are alone up here. All that has happened has made me remember something I wish I could forget.” She cleared her throat, letting Jake know how difficult this was for her. “I’d like to apologize for almost hitting you both that night in the stable many moons ago. Do you recall?”

Jake said, “Nay.”

Jamie said, “Aye.”

Jake kicked backwards, catching his brother in the shins.

Jamie said, “Ow. Nay.”

“Jamie, aye or nay? You do recall it, do you not?” His mother gave them both a completely puzzled look.

Jake shook his head and Jamie said, “I do not know what you’re talking about, Mama. You almost hit us? I’m sure I would recall such a thing.”