Jaded Hearts (21 page)

I wasn't even a thought when you saw these.
That's what hurt the most.

I slumped down on my bed reading the note
over and over. It didn't change. I thought back to that night. John
wasn't jealous. He was devastated that he wasn't number one. My
mind had gone right to Julian. I had hurt him, and he still gave me
another chance and I failed him again. When I thought Edward was
Julian, he saw my panic ridden reaction.

The tears formed furiously as I realized my
mistake.  I crawled into my pillow as a sob threatened to
escape my throat. I missed him already. I punched the bed in pure
agony of knowing there was nothing I could do. I finally gave into
the soundtrack of my tears and wept my heart out.  He was my
best friend, my lover, my everything. I just lost everything.

*

Being off from work for the next few days
turned out to be bittersweet. I was thankful that I could sleep in
and wouldn't have to explain my mood, or the dark circles under my
eyes that I had developed from crying randomly. Poor Drew was
beside himself because he didn't know how to cheer me up. He urged
me to call John, but eased off when even he couldn't give me advice
on what to say. Jackie was also a wreck and came over every night
to stay with me. She felt guilty, but I had to explain to her that
this wasn't about one thing or another and she wasn't to blame.
  

I owned my blame. Even though I felt like
the whole 'not ready for a relationship' bit was just a cop-out, I
fully accepted my part in it all. John was right. Tucked away with
all the other hurts that I wanted to forget, Julian was always in
my heart if he wasn't on my mind. Having no closure to that
relationship caused me to hold on to it. I worried about him, but I
felt affronted that he didn't have the courtesy to enlighten me on
his situation. So I tucked that worry aside. I missed him, but
since he didn't seem to miss me back, I tucked those emotions away.
I still yearned for him, but I felt guilty since I had John, so I
tucked those feelings away. And while I was tucking, I was filling
up on John. Now I felt split. Torn right down the middle, with a
mass of turmoil and nothing to do with it.

By Friday I was at the point of numbness
where I was able to function. I decided that feeling sad or sorry
for myself wasn't going to change things. I had messed up. This
whole entire time I was chasing a damn dream. Julian hadn't sent me
those flowers as much as he probably hadn't sent his Uncle to speak
for him. Maybe John was right. Would things have evolved between as
quickly if Julian had been around? Who knows? It didn't really
matter, since they both had disappeared from my life.

While I was spending another popcorn filled
movie session with Drew my phone buzzed randomly. Besides Jackie
and Donna, there wasn't much activity in my social arena to warrant
much use of my cell phone. I picked it up to see whose turn it was
to try to cheer me up.

E: Jade

E: Please respond. I'm in town

E: Can I take you to dinner?

I stared at my phone as if I were waiting
for it to speak to me itself. Drew looked up from
Coming to America
to see what had my attention.

"What's up J?" He must have seen the
expression on my face.

"Evan wants to take me to dinner,” I
answered.

"Oh boy... You've been cursed, or have some
serious karma, cause I've never ever seen so much drama come to one
person. I mean, you honestly are sitting around minding your biz
and it finds you." His observation matched my inner musings.

"My sentiments, exactly."

I tossed my phone back on the couch and
grabbed the popcorn bowl. Drew continued to watch me
expectantly.

"So... are you going to go?" He dared to
ask.

"I really don't know what I would say to
him. If I really cared about hearing him out or had any interest
then I would go, but as it stands neither is the case." My own lack
of caring shocked even me. Drew grabbed the bowl from me, and shook
his head.

"Well, I'm sure you don't care what I think
either, but maybe you need to hear him out."

I laughed at his suggestion.

"For what? Entertainment? I think I've had
enough excitement to last me till Christmas."  A long swig of
my beer washed down a stray kernel from the back of my throat.

"J. Right now you could probably care less
if aliens walked out of the TV, but I think that closing the lid on
that situation will help. I'm just saying." He turned back to the
movie at that, and another buzz sounded from my phone.

E: Please

Me: Y?

E: I really want to talk with you, clear
some things up

Me: when

E: Whenever you tell me. I'm here till
Sunday

Me: OK. Pick me up in an hour.

E: Thank you!

Even though I really didn't know what to
expect I wanted to end this for good. I also wanted him to see how
wrong he was about me. Besides, I had nothing to lose. I saw a look
of genuine shock on Drew's face when I announced that I was going
to get dressed.

My buzzer went off exactly an hour later. I
had Drew let Evan up as I finished lacing up my gladiator heels. I
wasn't really trying to look too desirable, but after I gave myself
a final once over that was the final outcome. My yellow
slub-shoulder dress hung loosely at the top and clung to my hips
and thighs. My hair was blown straight to reveal my new layers and
sloped bang. I looked great, and not at all like I had been
depressed all week. I headed downstairs to face what was sure to be
an awkward evening.

As I hit the last few steps Evan rose to
meet me and I was sort of glad to see him. I had expected anger and
rage to consume me at the sight of him, but the somewhat desperate
twinge to his expression reminded me that I wasn't the one with
something to lose. He smiled, visibly relieved at my lack of anger.
We embraced familiarly until I pulled away.

"Wow Jade. You look amazing. Absolutely,
incredible." He was truly in awe.

I smiled deeper with the reward of my first
goal.

This is what you've been missing!

"Thank you. You look great, as usual." And
he did. His gray button down shirt was showcasing the fact that he
had been hitting the gym. His goatee was impeccably groomed and his
skin was still smooth peanut butter.

What a waste...

We both said goodbye to Drew and headed out.
Evan was driving a rental so I instructed him uptown to Cafeteria.
I needed a Lychee Bellini.

*

We were slightly ahead of the dinner rush so
snagging a table wasn't too difficult. We ordered our drinks and
really looked at each other for the first time. The pain in his
eyes was surprising and I felt a familiar sadness tugging at me.
For a long time Evan was the beginning and the end for me, but now
that seemed like years ago. He shook his head at an unspoken
thought almost like he knew how far gone things were.

"I'm really happy that you agreed to see me.
I hadn't expected that you would." He held my hands in his as he
spoke.

I gently pulled my hands away not wanting
our chemistry to play a role in tonight's conversation.

"Well, honestly, I wasn't going to. I have
so many other things going on, but Drew reminded me that I did want
to talk to you. Besides, I'm not angry at you anymore and didn't
want to paint that picture unnecessarily." I sipped my water to
keep my hands busy. Evan tapped his nervously on the table.

"How can you not be angry? You have no Idea
how beside myself with regret I have been since that night at
Mangos. I just knew you were going to call me cursing and yelling
or answer my email with rage because I could deal with that. Your
silence killed me. To the point where I was dreaming of you calling
me a sorry mother-fucker or dirty dog or some low down
moniker."

I laughed at that because I probably would
have had it not been for my talk with John.   Ouch! Chest
Pains...

"Evan, I was so confused when I left Miami,
and I beat myself up for a while wondering if I had done the right
thing, but then you weren't really calling, and Colleen wasn't
calling or answering so I began to feel like I was doing the right
thing. I had met so many good people in the short time up to that
point that things made sense. I was devastated when Drew called me,
and he didn't even want to tell me, but as painful as it was it
made even more sense." I paused at the memory of my afternoon spent
lying on the floor in despair. Evan shifted anxiously in his
seat.

"J. I hate myself for this. I would do
almost anything to erase the past few months. Hell, the past year.
My life has been so empty since the minute you left."

The waiter returning with our drinks
interrupted his speech.

"Evan, don't. There is no way to change
what's happened now." I didn't need the 'my life without you'
monologue.

He shook his head as if I was totally
misunderstanding his point.

"No, I promise you. I didn't come here
tonight to change the past because I know I can't and I know that
you not calling was a loud indicator of how bad I fucked up, but as
a person who loves you deeply and knows you didn't deserve that or
the way I had been before you left. After you left I was so angry I
couldn't see straight. Colleen had been calling me since before you
left trying to get me to persuade you to stay, or at least I
thought that was the point of her calls. That night I came in drunk
I wasn't totally honest and you weren't totally wrong. I was out
with the team and she happened to be at the bar we were at after
the game. She told me about your plan to leave before you even
mentioned it. She played me. I was so pissed off by the time I left
to come home that when I saw you on the couch I really wanted to
toss you out the window. She stopped by a few times after work to
check on me after you left and my dumb ass actually thought she was
just commiserating over your absence with me. Then she was showing
up with dinner.  I should have known better Jade." He ended
there sparing me the unnecessary details.  

"So, are you still seeing her?" I wanted to
know the extent of the betrayal. Even though it didn't matter, I
needed to know how far they had gone.

"No, not at all. The night Drew saw us
together I figured out that had been her goal. She suggested we go
there and that it had been on his FB status. I was so disgusted
with her and myself for falling for her game that I told her that
night I didn't want to see her again. She felt that she deserved to
be with me since you had left me up for grabs. I swear that bitch
is crazy." He shook his head visibly still not over the situation
himself.

I wasn't totally surprised by what he was
telling me. I had always noticed that she was extra friendly to
Evan, but I just thought it was because they were so similar. I
guess I always knew she was jealous of our relationship. What she
didn't count on Evan being as cold as he was. We sat in silence for
a while until I finally decided to end it.

"So besides giving me the whole truth, what
were you hoping to accomplish tonight Evan?" I knew he was a man
with a purpose and meeting me wasn't just about him telling me the
blow by blow of his mistake.

"I wanted to apologize to you and I was
hoping that we could somehow be friends or something. It was
driving me crazy to think you had the image of me moving on from
you to your best friend. I wanted you to know that I miss you and
that you meant more to me than just a status symbol even though I
didn't show it." His words were sincere and I had to fight my
natural tendency to push an ugly situation to the background.

"Then thank you. I understand people make
mistakes, but you have to give me some time to process all of this.
You were the most important person in my life for so long; it was
hurting me to have a void in my heart where you should be." I was
surprised at my own honesty. He was obviously taken aback too and
reached over for my hand studying the finger that his engagement
ring used to adorn.

"I want to give you back your ring,” I said.
He shook his head.

"No. I can't take it back Jade. That would
kill me."

We shared unspoken sentiments and I took
solace in the knowledge that our breakup had hurt him just as
deeply. Maybe we could be friends, eventually.

We spent the rest of our dinner with me
filling him in on all the details I had wanted to share with him
from the day I landed in this big city. He listened eagerly as I
gave him the rundown on my job and the clients I had inherited, and
even looked proud when I explained having to renegotiate all my
contracts. I asked him about the team and he told me some of the
sordid stories of the ball players that I used to wait up to hear.
It was a bittersweet night as we were reminded of how close we were
but how far away our dreams of the past were.

I texted Jackie and made plans to meet with
her and Drew after my dinner with Evan. I didn't want to go home
after such a deep conversation and figured that we all deserved to
have some fun after the week I put everyone through. Evan looked
slightly disappointed, but then understanding when I told him I had
plans after dinner. I knew he was hoping I would want to rekindle
one of our intimate encounters, but he knew he did well enough just
to get me to dinner and accept his apology.

We held hands as we walked the two blocks to
where we parked the car and he helped me hail a cab, having more
fun than a grown man should doing it.  He finally scored an
empty taxi that was on-duty and we both looked at each other for
direction. He ran his hand down my cheek cradling my face in his
large palm. I closed my hands allowing myself to enjoy the familiar
feel of his affection. He turned my face towards him and leaned in
for a gentle kiss on my lips. It was quick, nothing overly sexual
but just enough to move me out of my built in zone of indifference.
I didn't fight the emotions that he stirred up and let him see how
much this whole ordeal had affected me. He held me in his arms for
a goodbye hug.