Jaded (23 page)

“No, you don't.” My lips curved into an empty smile. “You don't want me. Not really. You want a shadow of who I am.”
The new and improved version.

My heart didn't want to be having this discussion. I didn't want to say these things to him, and I certainly didn't want to hurt him. Truth was, I wanted Dodd Cunningham as much as he wanted me, but I had no choice. It was wrong to keep pretending things were going to be all right.

Steeling myself, I whispered, “You don't need a wife, Dodd. You're already married to your church.”

I turned to face him then, but the man staring down at me didn't even look familiar. I'd never seen his eyes without at least a hint of humor around the edges, and I realized my statement had wounded him deeply.

He spoke in monotone. “Is that really how you feel?”

I nodded, not daring to speak lest my words give me away. I wanted to scream, “Of course that's not how I feel!” But feelings didn't matter anymore. Our relationship was no longer about butterflies fluttering in my stomach, or warm kisses shared beneath a Christmas tree. Now it was all about logic. And circumstances. And expectations.

And it simply wasn't going to work.

His jaw moved back and forth before he asked, “Can we just take a break? Talk about it again later?”

The shrug I gave him was crueler than I intended.

He stared at me for a long time while the rejection in his eyes melted into sadness. Finally he turned away and plodded across the pasture to the El Camino, not once looking back. The blue heeler met him halfway across the yard, following behind with his tail wagging.

When Dodd's headlights turned onto the highway, I collapsed into a dirty metal lawn chair on which melted snow left a slimy surface, but I didn't care. Loneliness floated over me like a snowdrift. Loneliness so thick I could smell it. Taste it. Hear it. Not even when my daddy left had I felt anything like it. Not even when the church shunned us. Not even when Momma became a ghost.

But when Dodd Cunningham walked away that afternoon, he left me with no one.

 

Chapter Thirty-Nine

“You broke up with her?” Grady called over the noise of the chain saw.

Dodd didn't like the accusing glare in his brother's eyes, but he shut off the saw and shook his head.

“So Ruthie did the breaking up?”

“No, not really.” Dodd gathered an armful of logs from the ground around the dead oak tree in their backyard.

“Generally, it has to be one or the other, so if it's all the same, I'll blame you.”

“Whatever.”

Their mother shushed Grady as she followed Dodd to the El Camino parked in the alley behind the house. “Are you all right?”

“Just confused.” He neatly stacked the logs in the back of the car. “And stressed.”

“Ruthie's bound to be upset too. When things settle down, the two of you can work it out.”

“I'm not sure there's any way.”

She shook her head. “You have differences, but you're good together.”

He wanted to believe that—he
had
believed it, had bet everything on the relationship—but now an overwhelming sense of emotional vertigo told him he had miscalculated the odds. “Her way of viewing life runs contradictory to mine.”

“Not surprising, considering your backgrounds.”

“But Ruthie expects the worst.
Every time.
”

His mother smiled. “And you expect the best. From all of us.”

Dodd settled on the tailgate and removed his gloves. “I know it's crazy, but I thought Ruthie was special. You know …” He picked up a piece of bark and crumbled it. “Now I'm not sure either of us wants to make it work.”

“Don't underestimate her.”

Grady approached with more wood. “Mom's right. You never know what God has in mind.”

Dodd knew his family meant well, but they didn't know Ruthie like he did. They didn't understand her insecurity. She had forgiven Clyde for scaring her, but she might never forgive the church. Or the Blaylocks. And the root of her bitterness was her father. She hadn't ever forgiven him for abandoning her.

From across the yard, the gate clinked, and Dodd's hope plummeted even further as Charlie Mendoza came around the side of the house.

“I thought you might be back here. There was no answer at the front.”

Dodd rose, stuffing his feelings to the far back corner of his mind. “You're just in time, Charlie.”

“Looks like I missed the worst of it. Mind if I help you wrap things up?”

All three Cunninghams knew exactly why Charlie was there, but they appreciated his offer to pile brush and load wood, not because they needed the help, but because it softened the blow he had been sent to deliver.

They worked alongside each other for an hour, talking about nothing in particular and cracking jokes. When the brush was piled in a mound in the middle of the yard, Dodd set fire to it, and the two men and Grady sat on stumps warming their hands while Milla excused herself to tend to dinner.

“I suspect you know why I'm here,” Charlie said.

Dodd picked up a stick and broke it in half. “You mean you didn't come for the manual labor?”

“I wish that were it, son.”

The fire flickered as Dodd stared into it, and a surge of injustice swept through him, and with it a flash of cynicism. “There's a lot happening in this little town, isn't there?”

“Unfortunately, it seems to have started when your family arrived.”

“Not a coincidence, I suppose.”

Charlie peered at him. “I don't take the situation lightly.”

“Neither do I.” Dodd tossed the stick into the fire. “Let's get it over with, Charlie. Just give me the bottom line.”

The older man leaned his elbows on his knees. “There are three areas of discontent.” He removed his cap and held it with his fingertips, lending the lanky man an air of delicacy.

Dodd finished his thought. “Fawn's baby, Clyde Felton, and the Turners.”

Charlie withered. “Are you proud of what's happened?”

“No, I'm not, but I don't see where my family has done anything to be ashamed of.” He waited until Charlie nodded. “Fawn made a mistake. She sinned, but my family had nothing to do with it.”

Charlie's gaze flickered to Grady, then back. He said nothing.

Dodd studied his brother. “Is that baby yours?”

Grady ducked his head. “Of course not.”

Charlie's gaze fell to Dodd, and his eyes held an apology. “Neil heard differently.”

“If Grady says it's not his baby, it throws doubt over Neil's accusation, but the fact Fawn says it's not his baby blows the accusation out of the pond. After all, she should know.”

Charlie squirmed. “Well, what about Clyde Felton? Neil talked to you about that, yet you continue to socialize with him.”

“After the reception he received, I don't think there's any danger of him disrupting services again. Do you?”

Charlie frowned, but there was desperation in his voice. “Dodd, I don't fully agree with the charges Neil brought against your family, but your attitude is wrong, brother.”

Dodd fingered the bark of the stump beneath him, recognizing bitterness in his heart. He sighed, wishing he could go in the house and lie down on the couch. “You're right, Charlie. And for that I apologize.”

Charlie scratched his head, mussing his hair. “And then there's Lynda Turner and her daughter. I know you want to do right by them, but until Lynda humbles herself and talks to us about what happened, our hands are tied.”

Dodd felt the urge to grasp his own forehead to keep it from exploding. His inability to do anything for Ruthie was driving him to madness. “But Lynda's hurting, Charlie. I'm not sure she has the emotional strength to come to us, even if she wanted to. The only way we'll ever reach her is through Ruthie.”

“Could be, but with the whirlwind we've got swirling around us now, we need to let things settle.”

“Let them settle?”

“Everything's upside down. The congregation is upset, wanting to know what's going on. They're ruffled.”

“I find that encouraging.”

“But surely you can see how it would help if things slowed down a bit.”

Dodd gazed into the fire, remembering his conversation with Neil. The two men voiced similar words of wisdom. “Yes, I do see.” He turned his head toward Charlie. “But you didn't come here to tell me to slow down.”

Charlie rubbed the side of his hand against his jeans. “No.”

“Before you ask me for a letter of resignation, can you do something for me?”

“Anything,” Charlie blurted, but then he caught himself. “I'll … I'll try.”

“Think about what's happened the past few days, the past few months, and even years ago. Search your heart for the truth, and call on the Lord for His guidance.”

Charlie thought for several minutes before he said, “You've made a valid point. We need to slow down just as much as anyone, but in the meantime, I'll get one of the men from the congregation to preach for you, and Lee Roy can teach your Bible class.” His gaze bounced to Grady, then back to Dodd. “But I ask you and your family to show respect in the meantime and avoid interaction with those we've discussed today. A two-week time-out would be healthy for everyone.”

Dodd glanced at the firewood in the back of the El Camino as a fresh wave of exasperation flooded over him. “We'll do our best, Charlie. That's all I can promise.”

 

Chapter Forty

“Ruthie, why on earth would you break up with a hunk like Dodd Cunningham?”

It never ceased to amaze me the speed news traveled in our little town. Maria barely let me get my front door open before throwing more questions at me. How did she even hear about it? “Come on in.”

“Tell me everything.”

Slouching on the couch, I pulled a quilt over my legs and wondered what I should tell her, and how much she had already heard. For this very reason, I'd called in sick to both jobs. I didn't want to answer questions about Dodd, or Fawn, or any of it. Tucking my feet under me, I said, “It didn't work out, so we're taking a break. That's all.”

“But why?” Maria had never been in my house, so her gaze shifted around the room, inspecting every detail. “Does it have anything to do with Fawn Blaylock being pregnant?”

“I don't know. Not really. It's everything. Dodd and I are different.”

“And?”

“Maria … we're just different.”

She slouched, defeated. “Why is it so cold in here?”

“Our heater's out.” I tossed her an afghan.

Momma's bedroom door opened, and she dragged through the living room on her way to the kitchen, looking at Maria with hollow eyes. “Hey.”

“Hi, Lynda.”

When Momma busied herself at the kitchen sink, I asked Maria, “How was school?”

“Weird. Teachers and students gossiped about Fawn's baby and her parents kicking her out. JohnScott tried to squelch most of the rumors, but you can imagine the luck he had.” She glanced around the room hopefully. “Does your cousin ever come by here?”

“You just missed him, actually.”

She continued with the previous conversation as though she had never interrupted herself. “And since you didn't show at school, people speculated about some sort of twisted connection. I assured them there wasn't one. And of course, the rumor about Grady being the daddy made its way through the halls, but nobody bought it.” She raised her eyebrows questioningly.

“No.” I lowered my voice, conscious of Momma in the next room. “I mean yes. I mean it's ridiculous to even think that. Of course Grady's not the dad.” I kicked her from under my quilt. “Give me a break. You know Tyler Cruz.”

Maria pointed toward the kitchen and mouthed the words, “Does she know?”

“Fawn's camped out at Velma's house. What do you think?”

She didn't answer because Momma padded into the room, carrying a tuna sandwich. “We need eggs, Ruthie.” She slipped her boots on over her socks and went out the front door.

The fishy scent of tuna hung in the air as Maria asked, “Is she going for eggs?”

“No. Mailbox.”

Momma let in a whirl of frozen air when she came back in. She flipped through envelopes as she crossed in front of us, and then we heard her bedroom door click.

“She's lively,” Maria said.

I didn't answer.

Maria darkened my mood. It took every bit of energy I possessed to hold myself together, but I had determined not to repel the only friend I had left.

“So, about Dodd.” She began again. “Tell me one more time why you broke up with him.”

I pulled my quilt higher on my shoulders. “Do we have to beat it to death?”

“Couldn't hurt.”

I threw a pillow at her, and as it bounced to the floor, a thump sounded from the wall behind her.

“Did you hear that?” She leaned forward. “You don't have rats, do you?”

“The way this week is going, it wouldn't surprise me.” Two more thumps got me curious. “Sounds like it's coming from the front yard.”

Maria stood and peeked out the curtains, then giggled. “I'm not sure Dodd's
taking a break
.”

“What do you mean?” I rose, careful to keep the quilt around me, and looked over Maria's shoulder. Dodd and Grady were right outside the living-room window, stacking firewood while pointedly diverting their eyes from us. My legs trembled, and I pressed my knees together to keep Maria from noticing. “Why is he doing that?” I demanded.

“Because you're cold, you dufus.”

I bit my lip. This didn't change the impossible mess. It didn't change anything.

Dodd flashed his eyes toward the window, and I pretended not to notice, but a bit of the tension in my neck relaxed. It felt good for him to take care of me even if I didn't want him to. He wore an unfortunate crocheted hat, and I tightened my lips to keep from smiling. “What on earth has he got on his head?”

“A Christmas gift from his grandmother.” Maria pulled the afghan farther up on her shoulders. “If he knew how cold it is in here, he'd loan it to you.” Maria contemplated Dodd and Grady for a few moments, then muttered, “You'd look good in Dodd's hat, Ruthie.”

I returned to the couch, curling my feet beneath me, and wished Maria would get away from the window. What if Dodd read her lips? “Close the curtains, Maria.”

“Tell me what happened.”

I rubbed my eyes, wishing she would leave but praying she wouldn't. “It doesn't matter.”

“You matter to him.” She continued to watch from the window. “There's something you're not telling me. Out with it.”

My irritation mounted, and I ticked items off my fingers. “Let's see. There's Momma who despises Dodd. And then there's the church that despises me. There's the Blaylocks. And somehow Clyde Felton is mixed up in all of it. Then there's Fawn. And we might as well count her baby, too, right? That certainly threw a kink in things.” I glared at her. “That's what happened, all right? And the one thing that surprises me is that it didn't hit the fan sooner.” I covered my face with my arm and leaned my head back. “Ruthie Turner dating the preacher? What a joke.”

I had forgotten about Momma, and when her bedroom door banged against the opposite wall, I jerked to a sitting position.

“What's that blasted racket?” she called from the hallway.

Maria and I stared at each other.

Momma wandered into the living room and scrutinized Maria, who still had one hand on the curtain. “Maria, what's going on out there?”

“Oh, it's nothing.” She cast worried eyes toward me.

“I'll handle it, Momma. You go back to bed.” Standing up, I tried to get between her and the window as more thumps sounded against the front wall.

“Who's out there, Maria?”

“Nobody.”

I looked at Momma closely. Her eyes were bloodshot with emotion. “What's wrong?” I panicked. “What's happened?”

Momma's depression turned to fury in a heartbeat. “What's wrong is there's someone in my front yard, and you won't tell me who it is.”

She shoved past me and looked through the diamond-shaped window in the front door, surveying Dodd and Grady. Her hand clenched the doorknob in a fist. “We don't need charity, Ruth Ann. Are you responsible for this?”

“No.”

She was drunk with rage, and I knew without a doubt something had changed. Something had driven her over the edge of the precipice of depression she had been balancing on, and now she was in a free fall of emotional turmoil. She flung the door open, stepped out onto the damp porch in her socks, and screeched at the Cunninghams to go away.

Maria stood paralyzed at the curtain as I pulled on Momma's arm. “Stop yelling.”

“I'll yell if I feel like it, Ruth Ann. I don't want these people here. They don't belong here.”

Dodd and Grady didn't pause in their work or even show they heard her.

The tears I tried so hard to keep hidden now surfaced, and I hated myself for it. I'd look as hysterical as she did. “Momma, please,” I begged, “don't do this.”

She cursed at Dodd and Grady between half screams. “Get out of my yard. Get out of my life!” Her voice grew hoarse. “And Ruth Ann doesn't want you here either.”

Dodd and Grady threw the last logs onto the stack.

“You take your blasted firewood back where you got it, 'cause I don't want your charity.” Her words began to slur. “We're fine, you hear me?”

As they pulled away from the house, Dodd's eyes caught mine. I swiped my hand under my nose and dried it on the leg of my sweats. “Get in the house,” I growled at Momma.
“Now.”

I managed to shut the door, only to have her turn on me. “Why were they here, Ruth Ann?”

“I don't know.” My tears were securely stuffed in my heart again, and I spoke clearly. “I haven't talked to them. You can ask Maria.”

“I really should be going …”

“Ruth Ann, I've told you a million times,
stay away from those people
.” The way she emphasized the last statement sparked a fire under my temper, which soon flared into a rage that matched her own.

“I am, Momma,” I yelled back at her. “I'm not with Dodd anymore. We broke up. You get your way. You and everybody else in this stupid town.” I raised my voice even louder. “So leave me alone for once and give me some peace.”

She gave a silent, tearless sob, then fled down the hallway and shut herself in her bedroom again.

I stared at her door, took three deep breaths, then put my hand against my forehead and turned to Maria. “I'm so sorry.”

“It's no problem. Really.” She tossed the afghan on the couch. “I should be getting home, but call me later, okay? No matter what you need, call me.” She scurried out the door.

Bending over, I picked up my quilt where it had fallen to the floor. No warmth remained in its fluffy layers, but I wrapped it around me anyway and fumbled with the heating pad, my fingers so cold they wouldn't obey. Lying down on the couch, I pushed my stocking feet under the couch cushion, inhaling deeply to settle my nerves.

What had set Momma off? Even though her anger wasn't out of character, the intensity of the episode, and the visible emotion, certainly were. She hadn't gotten a call. Both cordless phones were in sight. Other than her trip to the kitchen, Momma had been in her room all day—except when she made the outing to the mailbox.

I wiped my face on a corner of the quilt, tasting salt on my lips. Had she gotten a letter? That seemed unlikely. Everybody she knew lived within walking distance.

Dragging the quilt behind me, I stepped down the hall and eased her door open.

“Go away, Ruth Ann.”

I shut it again, accepting the fact I would never know because she would never tell me. Kneeling in front of the fireplace, I considered building a fire but couldn't muster the energy. Instead, I plopped on my bottom, resting my elbows on my thighs.

I leaned over until my head lay on the hardwood floor and closed my eyes. Maria didn't want to stick around, and I couldn't blame her. I didn't want to be home with Momma either. A minuscule breeze fluttered my bangs, causing me to open my eyes. Sure enough, the weather stripping on the door had come loose. Only half an inch at the bottom, but enough to mess things up. The draft fluttered a crumpled paper near the curtain.

I crawled over to investigate, leaning against the door so my quilt blocked the airflow, and reached for the paper.

It was a sheet of business stationery with the flamboyant letterhead of the Blaylock Cattle Ranch. Having been folded for mailing, the paper wanted to curl in on itself, but I pressed it flat against the floor with my palms. Black scrawl ran across the page in Neil's handwriting.

Since you won't talk to me, I've resorted to the postal service. Lynda, he would want you to let go of the past. You know he would. Let me help.

I had no idea what the letter meant, but I knew Momma and I didn't need Neil Blaylock.

Taking a deep breath, I willed myself not to call JohnScott, not to long for Dodd, not to consider Maria. I didn't need them, either.

I didn't need anybody.