Jaded 2: Broken Love Series (8 page)

When a woman gets attached to you, that can wreak all kinds of havoc on your life. I should have known better than to keep Brittney around so long. I know as much as women try to play the game like they can fuck without attachment, it’s bullshit. I believe women weren’t built to be that way. Their natural instinct is to eventually seek companionship. I’ve seen it with my aunt and her friends growing up, declaring guys ain’t shit so they’re going to beat them at their own game. In the end, they get their feelings hurt. I’ve been fucking Brittney for years and just recently rejected her. Now she’s feeling some type of way. I should have never told her that I was with someone else. That’s the most basic rule when fucking with a side chick. You never tell her you’ve chosen someone that makes you want to be faithful, because of course she’s been trying to show you she’s down enough to play the position as your main chick that changed your player ways. Damn, this wanting to be in a real relationship has me off my game.

The fact that she’s even in Atlanta speaks volumes. She hadn’t visited here in years unless I would summon her. Now she wants to hang out with her cousin on her own accord. According to her, she doesn’t even like her cousin, so give the fact that she’s here hanging around, I know it was to gather information on the girl that she thinks stole me from her when I was never hers to begin with. She knew what she signed up for, but hurt feelings and ego have her forgetting our agreement.

̃

I groaned inwardly as I held the door open for L’oriel as she walked into the restaurant. After weeks of persuading, she’s finally agreed to have dinner with me. Man, I don’t know if I’d ever had to put this much work into a relationship. However, her ass and hips had definitely rounded out. Her denim dark washed jeans look painted on, and her cropped blazer allows me full access to stare at her rounded globes, sitting atop toned thighs. I smiled to myself, because I’d like to think I had something to do with that. When I first had sex with L’oriel, I could tell she hadn’t had deep penetration. Her canal was so tight, I thought she was a virgin. Thinking about L’oriel’s fat, wet, tight…yep, my rod is working just fine. I had to briefly divert my eyes so that I wouldn’t offend the seated patrons of this restaurant that were eye level with my dick.

After we were seated and had ordered our food and drinks, I immediately jumped in.

“So, what’s going on with your divorce?” I didn’t want to waste any more time wondering if she had made good on getting divorced or not. Even though I missed her like I’ve never missed anyone else, if she hadn’t at least filed for a divorce, we’d be back to where we were in my kitchen.

“I’ve been divorced for a month.” She looked at me and pursed her lips. I know she wanted to tell me “
told you so
,” or something equally smart ass. It was all over her face.  However, at the time how was I supposed to know that she was serious about leaving her husband?

“So how are you feeling about that?” I asked. I needed to know if she had any regrets. She gave me a look that said
what do you think
? But instead of saying it, she took a sip of her lemonade through her straw.

L’oriel is so unaware of how she affects me, and how bad I want her. Her glossy lips around that straw causes my wood to stir. I’ve never been all in with a female before; this is unfamiliar territory. I’m not a man that wears his heart on his sleeve. I keep it protected, but she has me looking at things I’ve never paid attention to – like engagement rings. Giving me direct eye contact, she began.

“At first, I felt really numb. For so long, he and everyone else told me I couldn’t take care of myself. I believed it. I never had to make a real decision for myself. The only thing I knew for sure was that I could fix his messes. However, I’d been here doing it on my own. Finding my own way. Figuring out what I wanted. I’d already achieved the freedom that I’d never thought I could achieve when I moved here, then purchased my own place. When I walked away from my marriage, I’d already decided before I set out on the 75 express-way that my marriage was over. Whether I survived on my own or not. So by the time I filed the paperwork, the fear of the unknown was gone. The only thing that was left to deal with was the guilt.”

She took another long sip through her straw to distract herself from the tears I saw gathering in her eyes, then continued.

“The guilt of feeling like I went on and was making strides, and I did it on my own. I didn’t need him. I actually did have the power to do things on my own. I really could figure out who L’oriel was as a woman. However, he was there struggling. He’s still unsure of who Shane is, and how he can make his life different for himself. So at first, I felt guilty. You’d think that after he told me how I couldn’t make it without him, I’d want to rub it in. However, that victory didn’t seem so sweet knowing that he was having a hard time. So initially, the guilt I felt made me numb. But I had to realize that his struggles weren’t about me. Shane has issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me.”

“Then once I received the papers in the mail and it was really all over, I felt…” She paused and adjusted herself in her seat, and pulled her shoulders back. “Like a woman. I’m no longer the little girl feeling like I have to wait for the answers from someone else. I can make my own decisions and live with the consequences. I’m fine with the consequences, good or bad. I’m fine with however Shane chooses to respond to our marriage ending. I didn’t put our marriage in danger in the first place, he did; so why should I feel bad that it fell apart? If he does, then he should forgive himself and move on. I’ve forgiven him. I’m not bitter, angry, or mad.”

When L’oriel looked at me, I could see the pride shining through her green eyes. She was proud of herself, and had become more confident and self-assured. I hated that I’d disappeared on her and wasn’t there for her. I didn’t partake in her growth, nor did I get the opportunity to watch it bloom. I knew it was there all along. I just wish I was there. I’m thankful I’m able to see it now. I hadn’t been the friend that I suggested that we become.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” She looked up at me, eyes still glazed over from unshed tears.

“It’s all good. I get it now. I was angry at first, but I understand. I wasn’t very forthcoming. I was so worried about what you’d think of me. I was so used to being judged. I didn’t want that in my new start. It was silly of me to think that I wouldn’t be subject to judgment and ridicule, just because I’d left Detroit. That just wasn’t a reality; however, I finally figured it out. My past doesn’t define me. However, it shaped and molded me to the woman I am now. So no worries.”

I nod my head in understanding. I, of all people, understand what it feels like to not want to be judged. I’m the kid who grew up with a crack head mother and the drug dealing, jailbird daddy. I definitely understand judgment. I’d been teased. I’d been told I’d never amount to anything. I was laughed at when I started my record company. I was told it wouldn’t be successful because everyone was starting record companies. I never wanted L’oriel to feel I was one of those people that would judge her. I was so happy to hear about her growth. I was so incredibly proud of her.

“I just want you to know, I wasn’t judging you. I wasn’t sure if your relationship was over. You two were still talking, and I didn’t know enough about the situation to see if it was truly over or not. I didn’t want to put myself out there and have you go back to your husband. However, that doesn’t excuse me not being there as a friend. I’m happy you came out of that situation happy and confident. So besides finalizing your divorce, what else have you been up to?”

L’oriel told me that she’d started classes. She spoke with so much animation when telling me about her classes, and that she was closer to graduation than she thought. Joy was beaming through her. I was so proud of her. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she then told me about her promotion. I wish I picked a fancier restaurant; she has quite a few accomplishments that are deserving of a proper celebration. Of course, unbeknownst to me, I didn’t know about her current celebratory endeavors. I just wanted to keep things light between us. I knew I’d messed up by not calling, and I didn’t want to seem as if I was immediately trying to put us back to where we were.

When she pulls up the sleeves to her blazer as she gets ready to cut her chicken, I noticed a tattoo on her inner wrist that definitely wasn’t there before. I tilted my head to the side to see if I could get a better look. “So you got ink? What is it?” She finishes chewing her food.

“It’s Adinkra.” When she saw my brow furrow in confusion, she continued. “Adinkra symbols are African symbols that were created by the Akan. The symbols represent concepts. For instance, the symbol that I have represents hope, providence, and faith. It means “By
God’s Grace, All Will Be Well
.” I reached across the table for her wrist so that I could inspect her art better. There wasn’t great detail in the symbol, as with tribal art. It had a heart shape with a darkened outline. A black outlined circle was centered inside, with four triangles inside of the circle; then the circle had four rays that touched the inner lines of the heart. I did appreciate the expression; certainly by God’s grace, all will be well. L’oriel was very proud of her African roots, so I wasn’t surprised that she’d chosen to have her first tattoo represent that.

Dinner was better than I could have expected; our conversation flowed, and we laughed and talked. I even told L’oriel my issues with one of my veteran groups. Complex was a two-girl group; they were the first artists Reggie and I signed. They were hugely successful when they first came out in 2003. They had exceptional achievement that year, despite Beyoncé dropping her debut album as a solo artist the same month. We released their debut single then album, which went platinum.

Both members of Complex had a child a piece since their debut in 2003, and hadn’t been on the scene for a minute. Now they wanted to get back out here. The dilemma was, they wanted to change up their sound a bit. They’re known for melodic tunes, dance tracks, and female anthems. They now want to do at least one power-driven ballad. However, neither of them possessed any power in their voices. Though their success had put Reggie and me on the map, they were known for their beauty and dance moves, and less for their voices. I think they should stay in their lane. Nevertheless, they weren’t trying to hear that. They asked that I write and produce this ballad that was supposed to re-introduce them to the world. Me writing and producing is never a problem. I wrote a song that they love, but they haven’t been able to deliver on the vocals. I’ve re-arranged the song as much as I’m comfortable with in order to maintain the song’s integrity. If they want to sing my song, they’re going to have to step up.

I confided in L’oriel that Reggie typically handled any conflicts that would arise in this area. He would often mediate between me and the artist. If they didn’t see my vision or point of view, he was good at smoothing things over with either myself or the artist. I’m not inflexible. I never want to stifle my artist; however, sometimes they don’t see the bigger picture. Dealing with moody, stubborn artists wasn’t my strong suit.

I was good with the business; making sure we stayed on track, ensuring that sales, marketing, and PR worked together to get us to our expected quarterly and yearly revenue. Then of course, I still wrote and produced.

When we started this record company, I never saw it without Reggie. I knew my strengths, and one of them wasn’t getting an artist to see my vision, especially when it was so close to me. I don’t perform in front of thousands of people. However, those people will hear my music - my words. Just like the artist, I have a vision for where I see my art. Sometimes when an artist and producer aren’t seeing the same vision, a mediator is needed. Reggie was that. I respected his opinion and he respected my art. When I’m in the booth, it’s hard for me to wear my CEO hat and I need someone who can keep me on track.

I hadn’t been successful in filling Reggie’s position particularly for that reason. Reggie wasn’t scared of me. He didn’t let my sometimes harsh and controlling demeanor deter him. I trusted him to look out for the artist, and also to look out for the company—well, until recently.

“I have no doubt that you’ll find someone who believes in your vision. However, if they aren’t bringing your song to life the way you envision it, is it difficult to bring in another producer? Maybe he or she could help the track fit their vocals or change the direction all together.” I couldn’t help but smile at her. I have to admit, I have a tendency to try and do everything myself. I’m known for having my hands in a bit of everything. I didn’t have the success that I had by not being that way, but if Reggie was still around that’s exactly what he would have done by now.

“No baby, it’s not,” she beamed. “See there you go. I’ll give you that one. The next time, I’m charging.” She smiled over her straw as she took a sip of her drink.

“Whatever, little girl. You ready to get out of here and go bowl?” I pulled out my wallet and placed enough money for the food and generous tip, then stood behind her chair to pull it out so she could stand. We walked through the restaurant to the valet with our hands intertwined. I almost chuckled out loud. I haven’t held hands since I was in grade school. It just shows how much I’ve already invested in renewing our relationship. When the valet pulls my car to the front, I open the door for L’oriel.

“So, old man. Maybe I can give you a few pointers on bowling too,” she tosses over her shoulder. I can’t help myself. I smack her ass and she slides into the car as I hold the door. She yelps, but those green eyes immediately turned murky. Yeah…