It's Not Like I Knew Her (19 page)

The three smiled at her, and Jodie struggled to hide her bafflement. She felt the fool—the butt of their shared joke. She swallowed hard and tried speaking, but her astonishment left her tongue out on a limb. Inside her head, she sorted pronouns: he/she/Teddy—she/he/Ted. Nothing she'd ever experienced helped her to make sense of what she saw.

“You're one damn lucky stray, kid.” The woman's grip was strong, and she squeezed hard, making her point. “How's the training going? Crystal Ann tells me you've got big-ass plans.” Teddy looked Jodie over, an appraisal behind her hard stare.

“Just fine … ma'am, and I do. Did … have a plan. Then it got waylaid a bit.” She hated her hesitancy. She'd need to learn to own up, speak out, even in those moments when self-doubt undercut her resolve.

“That's fine. Plans are good,” Teddy's cockiness taunted. “And I may be ten years your senior, but I'm not your damn granny, so lose the cracker politeness.”

“Oh, baby, hush your rudeness.” The one Crystal Ann called Maxine gave the big woman a playful slap on the shoulder and turned to Jodie. “Sweetie, don't mind her. Reared by a mean cave bear. Resulted in no social skills of note.” She flashed the purest smile Jodie had known since saying good-bye to Ginger Sutton.

“You know you like my cave bear.” Teddy leaned and nuzzled the back of Maxine's neck, kissing her there.

Enthralled by Maxine's feminine appearance, Jodie riddled as to whom Maxine imagined during sex: Ted or Teddy? She'd never before seen such intimacy pass openly between women. While it felt forbidden, it carried an equal weight of liberation, excitement, and a strong sense of pride she had nothing to compare to, other than the exhilaration she felt when lifting off the gym floor and reaching the ball beyond the outstretched fingertips of an opponent, followed by nothing but the sweet swish of net.

“I've got sweet potatoes ready to go into the oven. Ham hocks and turnips ready for the pot.”

“Teddy roasted a turkey, and I made Mama's cornbread dressing. And of course there's pumpkin pie.”

“Teddy is as good with meat as Arthur,” Crystal Ann declared, smiling at Jodie. Teddy beamed.

Maxine and Crystal Ann took the picnic basket from the car and entered the trailer, leaving Jodie alone with Teddy. She had no idea what was expected in the way of conversation.

Teddy crossed her arms, leaned back in a stance that spoke brazenly of challenge. “If that old rusty rim there on that tree's not just for show, what'd you say to a little wager on a game?” Teddy grinned as though the pot was hers to claim. She took a scuffed basketball from the car and pulled a fist full of dimes from a pocket of her jeans, laying them on the car fender.

“Since we just met, and that ball's yours, it's only fair that I warn you .…” Jodie matched Teddy's stance.

“Uh-huh, we'll just see about that.” Teddy tossed Jodie the ball and dropped into a crouch.

Jodie rested the ball on her hip and gazed at Teddy.

“But first, I gotta know.”

Teddy straightened, and at her full height she was three inches shorter. “All right, spit it out. Let's get it over with.”

“Why? Why do you .…” Air squeezed from Jodie's lungs.

“Pass … as a man, sonsofbitches that they are?”

“No, forget it.” Jodie bounced the ball. “Let's play.”

“No, girl, let's put it behind us. Besides, it's easy. Auto mechanics make ten times what harder working women make. Men don't hit on me. I'm not expected to bend over for every low-life with nothing going for him but his pitiful dangles.”

“Is it hard, what you do?” Jodie felt her face fire, and she looked away.

“Nah, it's not hard if you're of a mind to forget the part where I get found out and get gang raped and dead. Then there's sterilization. Or worse—Maxine loses her babies on account of me.”

Jodie saw genuine fear in the big woman's eyes.

“Now, if that don't satisfy you, then picture me flirting with any woman I like.” She winked, her fear only slightly dissipated.

Jodie had tried imagining the lives of others like her, but she'd never dreamed there were women like Teddy. Nor mothers with children at risk. Clara Lee's fear of God's abomination felt inconsequential—cold and distant as the stars. Maxine and Teddy's fears were immediate and constant: damnation and death real. Jodie felt ushered into a new world far more complicated and more dangerous than she'd ever envisioned.

Teddy now sprawled on the hood of the Studebaker, her powerful arms folded across her breasts. Her sly smile spoke to her mocking wit.

“One more question, kid. Then school's out.”

“Who did you say I'm playing? Not that it matters.”

“Girl, you're dropping coins to Teresa Granger. I'll see she get them.”

Teddy wasn't bad for a slow, flat-footed shooter. Move her off her sweet spot and her shots bonged off the rim seven out of ten times, but she hustled, played a dirty black-and-blue game, using her superior lower body strength to block Jodie's approach to the basket. Then, she was a sucker for a quick jab step, getting her back on her heels, creating space. When they were called to dinner Teddy's bank was bled dry, and Jodie's pockets jingled. Teddy copped to an off day, and bragged that Jodie should save her money for a rematch. Jodie decided Teddy was someone she could learn to like.

D
inner conversation turned to Maxine and Teddy's sadness at not having Maxine's kids for any part of the holidays. They were with their alcoholic father and his live-in girlfriend.

“Asshole refused the Santa Claus I got them unless Maxine agreed he got to put his name on everything.”

They sat silently, their shared pain and anger seething, threatening to set aside the good they'd felt, until Teddy reached and patted Crystal Ann's forearm.

“Sorry, shug. I'm gonna need a new fork if I'm to have any of that pumpkin pie.” Teddy squeezed the bent prongs of her fork between her thumb and index finger. “Some better, but it's bound to stay a cripple.”

Jodie couldn't imagine the secretiveness that went with such a union. Teddy was Ted to Maxine's kids? How could that possibly work? Left alone to make sense of Jewel's lies, even the purposeful ones, Jodie had created her own versions of the truth. Surely Maxine's kids were doing the same.

Late afternoon, when it was time for Maxine and Teddy to leave, Teddy placed the overflowing basket of leftovers in the trunk. She and Maxine got into the car and drove away, everyone waving.

Jodie watched until the vehicle disappeared from sight, and she was acutely aware of a change, a new sense of self. A lightness of spirit she'd not felt before. Maxine and Teddy, with all their heartaches, had shown her a glimpse of what she wanted to believe queer love could be.

Crystal Ann sat on the trailer steps and patted the space next to her. Jodie sat, and Crystal Ann placed her hand on her knee.

“I know today was a lot to take in. And that getting comfortable with our lives is never easy. It takes living queer to understand who we are.”

Jodie nodded.

“You're not to trust every queer woman you meet. There's meanness and betrayal among us as with everyone else. Choose carefully, but know those two are good clear through to the bone. I trust my life to them.”

“How's that?” She wanted to know more about what Crystal Ann expected from those she trusted. Had she thought of Brenda that way?

“Those you decide to trust,” she paused, “they'll have your back. Keep your secrets to their graves.”

Jodie considered all she'd heard and seen from Maxine and Teddy and slowly nodded. She favored Maxine's gentle ways over Teddy's explosive nature, yet Teddy reminded her of Maggie's gruffness, and there was no one she trusted more.

While Crystal Ann napped, Jodie prowled the nearby woods, returning at sundown. Crystal Ann had warmed leftovers, and when they'd eaten, Jodie offered to do the few dishes.

Crystal Ann disappeared into the bedroom, and when she reappeared, she had changed into a body-hugging skirt and a gypsy blouse, and she wore heels. She swirled about, giggling and showing off her good legs.

“How ‘bout it, Jodie Taylor? You ready for your first visit to dyke paradise?” More nervous giggles escaped Crystal Ann's brightly painted lips.

Likely she had her own doubts, Jodie decided.

“Given my acquaintance with those who believe their tickets have been punched, I'll need to know more about this paradise before I can decide.” Her hands had begun to sweat, and it was clear her stab at humor stunk. She jammed her hands beneath her armpits, her body swaying in rhythm with her mounting anxiety.

“Aw, baby, come here.” Crystal Ann reached for Jodie's hand, and drew her down to sit next to her. “A first glance, it's nothing more than a bar populated only by women.”

“I've never been to a bar of any kind. But I've been around lots of drinking. Don't much care for how liquor smells.”

“Think of it as a secret gathering place for women seeking other women. There is drinking, and for some far too much. Then we laugh, cry, comfort, flirt, love, fuck, break hearts, and plot revenge.” She smiled, “And if that elusive bitch, Lady Luck, smiles on us, we find a good woman who plucks our magic twanger. Then we pair up, lay claim, and hold on for dear life. Which doesn't make us all that different.”

Jodie felt a surge of the purest exhilaration wrapped in a blanket of nearly unbearable panic. While she could not imagine approaching a woman for more than conversation, she wanted to become one of the brave women she only imagined who sought and won the favors of beautiful women.

“It's all of this, and much, much more.” Crystal Ann stroked Jodie's forearm. “It is a sacred trust.”

“Does that mean this place is safe?”

“No, and you must bear that in mind. Safety is just the risk we accept … woman to woman.”

Crystal Ann stared into Jodie's eyes, and maybe she saw what she needed to believe. Jodie knew that she did.

A
series of backcountry roads took them north out of Dallas County, and Jodie listened as Crystal Ann told of the fabled Gabby, the owner of the Hide and Seek. She described her as a big butch with the arm strength to ass-whip Tarzan and the smoothness to win Jane's heart. After a decade in New Orleans's French Quarter, she returned home to claim her inheritance: eighty acres of virgin timber and a dilapidated building.

On the third Saturday of each month, the Hide and Seek became the destination of queer women within a hundred-mile radius.

“Rumor is Gabby buried her grandpa, the old geezer she'd called the grand son-of-a-bitch, in his Klan garb, sniping that it was only fitting that he arrive in Hell suitably attired.”

Jodie could not know whether there was an ounce of truth in what she'd heard. Still, she marveled at such a feat, choosing to believe the story in its entirety.

They left the highway and drove on an unmarked, jaw-jarring dirt road for several miles before making a hard left onto a barely discernible tire-worn trail that ended in a small clearing. A squatty cement block building stood partially hidden beneath the sweeping branches of an ancient live oak. At the outer perimeter of the clearing, Crystal Ann backed the Rambler into the underbrush, declaring it reduced the chance of getting boxed in by slow moving escapees should a sudden need arise.

If Crystal Ann intended her remark as reassuring, it wasn't. Until now, worries about how she would fit in had dominated Jodie's thoughts, but Crystal Ann had given her a much bigger worry.

Crystal Ann downed a hefty slug of Jim Beam and tucked the bottle back beneath the seat. “Hard liquor's not allowed inside. Somewhat of a drawback if you ask me. Then, nipping doesn't count, as long as the nipper comes and goes under her own steam.”

Crystal Ann stared into the mirror, reapplied her bright red lipstick, fluffed her unremarkable brown hair, and frowned at her reflection. She turned to Jodie, her smile strained.

“Okay, sugar, let's me and you rock and roll.”

Jodie got out of the truck. A quick sniff of her armpits, and she wished she'd had a cleaner shirt. She ran her fingers through her hair, and the cold air felt good on her flushed cheeks.

There were no outdoor lights, and they made their slow, deliberate way along a footpath among an erratic formation of vehicles whose owners didn't appear to share Crystal Ann's inclination toward a quick getaway. The path led them to a purple door, its paint blistered and flecked off in chunks. A single yellow light hung over the entrance.

Jodie noted that the glass panes of the windows on the building's front were painted over in black, permitting only the slightest light framing the window's edges. The low rumble of pulsating music was audible from inside the building.

Crystal Ann rang a bell and stepped back, tugging at her tight skirt. Frowning, she grumbled, “This damn thing's not one bit happy unless it's crawling up my ass.”

Jodie hoped Crystal Ann's frown was all about the hitch in her skirt and not that she was second-guessing her decision to bring along a first-timer.

“Gabby bribes county officials. Then, she can't rule out locals stumbling onto the place, figuring to crash the joint, forcing their own sick brand of fun.” She patted her heavily sprayed hair. “But it's all right, you'll see.”

Jodie peered into the darkness, listening for sounds that didn't belong. Her muscles tensed, but she heard nothing over the music and the tempo of her racing heart.

The door opened the width of a short, heavy chain. Light and the sound of music poured through the opening, and a partial face appeared.

“Hey, darling, it's Crystal Ann. And I've brought along a friend.”

The single eye disappeared. The sound of the chain disengaging, and the heavy door flew open.