It's Got A Ring To It (7 page)

EIGHT

I was
wearing Lena’s new ball gown with all the frills and its endless train.
Nervously, I shuffled it behind me and let it billow in the wind. The
butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I checked for flyaway hairs and stole a
glance in the pocket mirror I had hidden in my corset. I turned in time to lock
eyes with him as he neared me. They were all that I saw.

The closer he got,
the
more
his features came into focus. He wasn’t faceless this time. Ethan?
Involuntarily, my hands reached for him. Come closer. My eyes strained to see
clearer.
The dark waves of hair.
Able hands.
No, those translucent eyes.
The closer he got, the more I
recognized him. I’d only seen him in person once, but it was more than enough
to commit him to memory. Lord knows, I wanted to hate him, but despite his
detestable ways, he fit the image of everything I wanted in a man. My nightmare
had infringed upon my dream. At the end of the aisle, under that lovely gazebo,
I stood there with Myles.

 
“I do,” I heard myself
swoon. And with that, my body stilled to atrophy as he closed the gap between
us. The kiss was passionate—and weird. I could feel it, but I could see
us at the same time. At the bridal salon, the way he made me feel was lukewarm
at best, compared to the
heatwave
it sent scorching
through my body. This just couldn’t be, I thought. And with the jarring ring of
my alarm clock, it wasn’t.

I should have been overcome with relief. Instead, the sting of
disappointment lingered like the looming clouds outside my window. And so it
went, time to embrace reality. Not with Myles, but with my actual faceless
date, Larry. A nap before meeting seemed like a great idea, but the bird’s nest
perched atop my head and the pouring
rain
forced me to think otherwise. After
battling with my hair and ceding to it, I could’ve easily stayed home and been
just as happy. Really, there was only one thing on my mind.
That
kiss
. The kiss that dream-me had. It felt more real than anything I’d
ever experienced. My knees got weak and I couldn’t ignore the warmth igniting
in the depth at the meeting of my thighs.

Absentmindedly
, as
I laid
out my outfit, my thoughts dissected every twist of our tongues
and meeting of our eyes. Something about it was so gentle and endearing. If I
was
being honest with myself, I hadn’t thought about kisses
or intimacy in a long while
—
I
wouldn’t let myself. It just seemed too risky to let myself wish for that type
of affection again. The idea of ending up in the same agony for a second time
was a chance I wasn’t willing to take. But after his lips brushed against mine,
I remembered what it felt like to have someone yearn for my touch
—
and to yearn for his
in return.

But it was only a dream. I promised myself that I would stop hoping
and keep my feet rooted in reality. Perhaps, Larry could be just what I needed.
If he wasn’t someone that I could build a future with, at least I might get a
goodnight kiss to hold me over until I did find a real man worthy and willing
to care for my heart.

A final glance in the mirror.
One more dab of Pretty
in
Pink
l
ip gloss
and it was
as good as it would get
—
for
Larry. Grabbing my purse and keys
,
and locking the door behind me, I noticed
the rain had finally let up. I took a moment to inhale deeply, letting it fill
my lungs before I got in the car. Hopefully, it was a good omen for the night
ahead.

The drive toward
T
he
S
trip always dragged
on, making the clock appear to stall. Only about five minutes had passed and I
knew I was going to be there early. The quiet was nice, though. Somehow, I
could hide from my thoughts. I was tired of thinking. Tired of trying to make sense
of everything. Somewhere along the way, I’d lost sight of what’s important to
me. Along with my heart, I’d given away my joy.

Before Ethan, I lived life to the fullest. There wasn’t a party or
concert I didn’t attend. I’d seen every show on the strip several times over. I
actually made it out of the country to see the world beyond the valley. I had
friends. Then, I became the girl who ditched her friends for a relationship. It
should’ve been a sign to me then. I spent every waking moment trying to mean
something to him, but with Ethan
,
everything was
either about him or about business
. He was
searching for the self he thought he’d find engulfed in a career. All day
every day
, he was driving
himself to become a financial planner. I figured
,
if I
was equally obsessed with work, then maybe I’d become as important.

Still, the more he worked, the less important I became to him. Our
date nights got cancelled and soon the tradition fell by the wayside along with
any notion of affection. After seven years together, I was beginning to think
we’d run our course. Then out of the blue, he suggested we set a date for the
wedding. He hadn’t given his two cents about the wedding since he asked me for
my hand. Every time I asked for his input, he’d just shoo me away. “Whatever
you think is best.” I began to feel like he was trying to pacify me, like a
wedding would keep me from continuing to ask him if anything had changed
between us.

At that point, my self-esteem was wavering. Deep down I knew
something was wrong—something had been wedged between us. Still I hung on
by the unraveling thread and prayed on my hands and knees that our problems
were temporary. I’d convinced myself that he was just stressed with work and
the wedding, and things would die down after we were married. I was using him
as much as he was using me. Nothing seemed worse than being alone.

As I merged onto the 15
South
from the 95,
the thought weighed on me. Something inside had changed since those days. It
was
as if
a switch had
been flipped and I couldn’t turn it back off. What used to be enough just
wouldn’t do anymore. Sure, I’d finally stooped to online dating, but it
couldn’t be any worse than what I’d already been through. Heck, I could do bad
all by myself. But could I let loose and date without expectations? Looking
over at the neon lights of the Vegas skyline, I knew there was no better place
to test my willpower.

For my own peace of mind, I parked next door at the Fashion Show Mall
to ensure he wouldn’t learn what car I drove. As I walked over, an uncanny
silence seemed to set upon the valley like an audience on edge, waiting in
peaked anticipation of a debut performance. I’m no performer, but the fact that
I was meeting with a man who was a complete stranger
to me
less than a week ago, definitely showed
me a new side of myself.

The whole dating scene was uncharted waters. For ten years.
if
you include the eight that Ethan and I were together
,
I had no idea how much
courting had changed. It used to be that guys and gals met in grocery stores or
church, exchanged telephone numbers and gradually got to know each other. Fast
-
forward a
decade
,
and dates are
planned
on
computers
like business appointments faster than a drive-thru Elvis wedding. I hoped
Larry would be willing to go
at
my pace.

Somewhere inside the restaurant, Larry
was
waiting patiently, but I slyly lurked at
the bar trying to get a first glimpse. He’d only given me his name and said
he’d wait for me, so I had no clue what I was even looking for. I resolved to
act like a grown-up instead of making a shallow prejudgment based on what he
might or might not look like.

“Welcome to Della
Vite
,” said the hostess
in a weird accent that sounded more cockney than Italian. Dressed in the form
-
fitted black
knee-length dress with a red rose perfectly tucked behind her ear and waves of
long auburn tresses, she was stunning. Suddenly, standing next to her in the
black wrap-dress that I thought was so elegant, I felt inadequate and
frumpy—not at all how I wanted to feel on my first jump back into the
dating pool. I felt myself angling toward the door. Tempted to turn back, I was
inches away when the beautiful hostess said my date had already arrived.
Reluctantly, I followed behind her like the before version of some P90x
exercise addict’s made over body. As the eye-catching beauty led me through the
restaurant, the darting eyes of onlookers scrambled to see me and turned just
as quickly. While I’d been worrying about his appearance, it hadn’t occurred to
me until that moment, I might not fit his bill. As if confirming my feeling of
inadequacy,
when
the
hostess introduc
ed
me
as his gues
t,
all I heard was
crickets.

The look of confusion on his face beamed “unimpressed” and the idea
of running, not walking, back to the car sounded like a get out of jail free
card. Sweat beads swelled across my forehead. Then, it became apparent that his
expression was a reflection of the shock and awe plastered across mine. I’d
said what I was thinking out loud—“Shit!” Literally, I said “Shit.”

He rose from his chair to greet me and I was grateful for his
willingness to ignore my rudeness. I heard him ask me to be seated, but my legs
wouldn’t work. My eyes were locked on him in total disbelief.

“I’m sorry. I’m not what you were expecting,” his head bowed in
embarrassment.

“Yes! I mean no! No. That’s not what I meant.” My head dropped and I
buried it in my hands, letting my body sluggishly melt into the chair across
from him as he dismissed the hostess. Mortified, I apologized profusely,
shaking my head, wishing I could rewind and start over. “Larry, I’m so sorry.
It’s not what you think…it’s just that you remind me of someone else.”

And the next thing I knew, the waterworks were in full effect. The
more I wiped, the more they came, like an unleashed geyser erupting. Larry eyed
me, confused
and r
ightfully
so. He must’ve been thinking that I was crying because of him, but I couldn’t
stop long enough to explain that it had nothing to do with him. He put a hand
on my shoulder and told me everything would be ok
ay
, but his words had the reverse effect.

When I cry, if anyone tries to console me, it only makes me bawl.
Through my sniveling, blubbering, broken tears
,
and mascara-run raccoon eyes, I kept
apologizing to poor Larry, who had to suffer the brunt of my emotional
breakdown. He must have been regretting the
blind
ish
hell date, but he managed
to hide it
well
. Only
when he was sure that it wasn’t a life
-
threatening emergency did he slide next to
me and wait for me to compose myself.

“You must think I’m a hysterical
nutbasket
.”
Hiding behind my menu, I wiped at my eyes and tried not to stare, but the
resemblance was uncanny. “Larry, I’m so sorry. I haven’t been completely honest
with you.”

He peeked over the menu and hesitantly pulled it down to look me in
the eyes. “Ok
ay
. So
tell me all about it.”

Those warm chestnut eyes. I knew them well, but they weren’t his. I
hadn’t expected that reaction from him, but I felt a weird combination of
uneasiness and calm by the empathy in his voice—enough to tell him the
real truth and not just the truth I was going to conjure up to avoid seeming
like some loon.

Through choppy words, I made an
ill attempt
at explaining myself. “Well, I
feel so bad because you were so forthcoming with me. You opened your heart and
told me about your wife being unfaithful to you and how it changed you, but you
didn’t allow it to take you off the course of finding love…” I could feel
myself veering toward tangents to avoid telling him. “I didn’t want to scare
you away, so I told you that I hadn’t gone through anything like that, but I
lied. I’ve been through exactly that, in nearly the same way you went through
it, but I didn’t want you to know that I had let my pain rob me of my faith in
love. You see
,
I was in love with a man, who I wanted
to spend my life with. Eight years of my life was dedicated to him,
wholeheartedly. We were engaged, but he left me. My heart was broken when he
told me that he was leaving me. What’s worse, he left me for someone he’d been
with for years
during
our
relationship.”

The dam that was holding back my tears broke. I let them fall and
continued telling my story to the familiar stranger. Oddly, I think th
e
fact that
he didn’t know me and had no basis from which to judge
me,
gave me the strength to finally let it all out.

Larry reached for my hands and took them in his. “I won’t judge you.
Go on,” he squeezed, empathetically encouraging me to continue.

“He only asked me to marry him, when he thought he was losing her
.
”
T
he words blurted out of my mouth like verbal
vomit and I couldn’t get the taste out fast enough. “I was just a stand-in,
while he waited for her to realize she wanted him, too. And when she did, I was
thrown out like trash. I found out on that day that I had an expiration date. I
was no longer useful to him. I was expendable.” Larry reached to wipe a falling
tear and my body responded to his comforting touch. “I’ve been hiding ever since
that day. Only recently have I realized that I’ve only been hurting myself.”