It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age (7 page)

May your children be blessed with musical giftedness. On the drums, tuba, and bagpipes.

May your mailbox be filled with weekly greetings. From the tax service.

May your children arise and call you. Collect.

May your stereo play CDs loud and clear. But only ones by Barry Manilow.

May you receive news of a large inheritance. May it be a peacock farm.

May you and your spouse receive two letters of good news on the same day: a letter notifying you that your social security retirement benefits will begin immediately and another letting you know your pregnancy test was positive.

May your neighbors on each side of your new house share your enthusiasm for Harleys. May they be in opposing gangs.

May you develop an unwholesome obsession for eating garlic by the fistful.

May your child be a novelist. And write about you.

Come on, admit it, it was fun thinking about these things for a moment, wasn’t it? But we both know that these aren’t the kinds of blessings Jesus was referring to. In fact, his command ‘‘Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you’’ (Luke 6:27) may be one of the most difficult commandments in history. What? Love my enemies? Surely you’re kidding. But Jesus wasn’t. His death was proof. He forgave them. His words are liberating. Following his commands is not always easiest, but it is always best.

Thankfully, most of us don’t have a long list of enemies or people who love to hate us. But if we’re looking for those who irritate us, we won’t have to look far.

Right now I (Phil) am seated at gate C-37 of an airport waiting for a delayed flight. A lady five seats away from me is talking loudly into her cell phone. She is telling her child, who must be studying for an exam (and the forty-seven others seated at this gate), the meaning of words like
blurt, fatigued,
and
ambidextrous
. I would like to blurt something about the meaning of the word rude, but I am fatigued. And the more fatigued I grow, the more I am aware of how easily I am irritated these days. My list is long and irritating, but here are just a few of the things that are really starting to annoy me:

I am tired of people who use their luggage to take up three seats at the gate in airports.

I am tired of people who leave grocery carts in parking stalls or straddle the yellow line when they park.

I am tired of children who leave their science project until ten o’clock the night before the Science Fair and expect me to have enough household supplies to help them make something clever.

When I finally make it onto the plane, guess who is seated next to me? You’re right. The cell phone walking-dictionary lady. To make matters worse, she is traveling with a cat, and the cat’s name is Sweetie. He is in a little kennel at her feet, and he is not happy about it. The stewardess arrives and, bending down, informs Mrs. Dictionary of two rules. First of all, she says, ‘‘Do not take the cat out of the bag for any reason.’’ This is good. I’m all for this rule. The second is way funnier. ‘‘There is an extra oxygen mask on this row,’’ says the stewardess. I couldn’t believe it. The extra mask is for the cat!
1
‘‘In the event of a loss of cabin pressure,’’ says the stewardess with a straight face, ‘‘please affix your own oxygen mask first before helping the cat with his.’’

I cannot help myself. I begin laughing out loud. ‘‘It would almost be worth crashing to see you try to put an oxygen mask on a cat,’’ I tell the cat lady. She laughs as if it’s the funniest joke she’s heard in years. And for the rest of the flight we are friends. All I can smell is cat food, but I have learned once again that laughter is the shortest distance between two people. The cat even seems happier.

Any pastor or missionary will tell you that the number one problem they face has nothing to do with theological differences. It involves people problems. Here are three ideas for dealing with problem people in your life.

1. Learn from them.
The driver who cuts us off in traffic provides an excellent opportunity for us to resolve never to cut someone else off. The cranky boss who loves to chew us out shows us how not to treat others if ever we are in charge. And the person who simply refuses to be agreeable or even to agree to disagree teaches us how to adapt and move on. So send them each a thank-you note for helping you become a stronger person. Okay, maybe not. But don’t let such opportunities be wasted. Don’t let them wear you down; let them build you up instead.

2. Pray for them.
When Jesus said in Luke 6:27–31 to love your enemies, he also advised us to ‘‘pray for those who mistreat you.’’ We have both discovered the incredible power of praying for those who have wronged us. We’d tell you more about it, but they may be reading this book and know where our cars are parked.

3. Show them grace.
If we’re honest, we’ll admit that a little bit of jerk resides in us all. We all need piles of pardon and plenty of patience and a daily bath in grace. So why not extend to others the grace we would want extended to us? Some of the softest people we know have the gruffest exteriors. Beneath sandpaper personalities may be someone who needs to witness a little grace, acceptance, and forgiveness themselves so they can quit being so judgmental of others. So go ahead and, whenever possible, do your best to wage peace.

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
Abraham Lincoln

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend;
provided, of course, he really is dead.
Voltaire

¹
I do not know to this day if this is an inside stewardess joke. It took them a while to bring our drinks, so I bet they locked themselves in the cockpit to laugh about it.

Unfaithful Friends

A true friend is one who overlooks
your failures and tolerates your successes.
Doug Larson

It is in the character of very few men
to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.
Aeschylus

Friends. When you find good ones, they’re worth their weight in gold. As the old saying goes, ‘‘Friends know you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.’’ Friends will stay by your side when everyone else runs away, or cheer for your successes and weep for your disappointments and hurts. Friends will watch your back when you don’t even know there are incoming arrows. Friends know you better than you know yourself. Friends will laugh with you and let you grow. Friends will let you know when you’re emotionally stuck over a hurtful situation or relationship. Friends won’t let you fail or get off track. Friends will encourage you and let you vent. Friends will pray with you. Friends will join you in blowing your diet, then help you get back on it! Friends will let you doubt. Friends will feel your pain. Friends will remind you of your worth every time you forget it. And there are those really close friends who will tell us when there’s mustard on our chin.

So how do you know the difference between a good friend and a bad friend?

B. J. Thomas—‘‘Hair Plugs Keep Fallin’ Off My Head’’

Roberta Flack—‘‘The First Time Ever I Slipped a Disc’’

Johnny Nash—‘‘I Can See Double Now’’

Celine Dion—‘‘My Heart Will Skip On’’

Adriana Caselotti—‘‘Someday My Gout Will Come’’

The Bee Gees—‘‘Saturday Night Nightsweats’’

The Fortunes—‘‘Here Comes That Rainy Day Stiffness Again’’

Blue Swede—‘‘Hooked On an IV’’

Paul Simon—‘‘Fifty Ways to Lose Your Dentures’’

Leo Sayer—‘‘You Make Me Feel Like Napping’’

One of the side benefits of living long enough is that we will probably experience rejection by someone we thought to be a friend. When I (Phil) was a kid, even my imaginary friend dropped me! But it’s no laughing matter. Rejection can take years to overcome. What we have both experienced is that forgiveness is a daily choice (and sometimes minute by minute). We have also learned that when thoughts of tarring and feathering come to mind, one thing will make all the difference. If we take those thoughts that are inward and outward and turn them upward, we will be changed for the better.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Josh Billings

I am not of that feather, to shake off
my friend when he must need me.
William Shakespeare

Even Steven

I don’t want everyone to like me;
I should think less of myself if some people did.
Henry James

If we’re having a difficult time blessing our enemy, we’re probably fighting the temptation to get even, too. Now, while we certainly don’t promote this type of vengeful behavior (remember God has said that vengeance is his, and he’s a lot better at it than we ever could be), there are times when we may find ourselves sitting and thinking about some creative ways to even the playing field with those who have hurt us.

(Note: If you are feeling too pious to admit that thoughts of vengeance have ever crept into your head, skip to the end of this piece, where we have written a disclaimer reminding readers that it was all in good fun. But if you’re human and honest like the rest of us, read on.)

Socially Acceptable Ways
1
to Get Even With the Mean and Nasty People in Your Life

Get a universal remote and stand outside their window switching TV channels.

Follow a few paces behind them, spraying everything they touch with a can of Raid.

Place a classified ad in the paper for a gigantic garage sale, listing cheap TVs, antiques, vintage automobiles, and the address of your victim. ‘‘Sale begins at 6:00
A
.
M
. Most items in house. Please ring doorbell.’’

Get their bald spot listed with
Ripley’s Believe It or Not
as a newly discovered crop circle. Quote the admission fee and visiting hours.

Put their cell phone number on speed dial and call it numerous times when they’re golfing.

Find out where they shop, then buy and wear exactly the same outfits.

Call restaurants and make reservations in their name.

Hug them and then tell them you’re sure your poison ivy is all cleared up by now.

Switch their lawn furniture with their grouchy neighbors’. While the neighbor is still sleeping on it.

Stuff an orange into their exhaust pipe. Or better yet, the whole fruit tree.

Disclaimer:
The above are intended for reading entertainment purposes only. Do not actually do any of them. And don’t think about them for very long. At the first sign of a chuckle, go immediately back to thinking about ‘‘Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable . . . think about such things’’ (Philippians 4:8).