It Starts With Us (It Ends with Us #2) (20 page)

He left it open. His shirt is on the floor by the doorway.

I don’t know why my heart is pounding like it’ll be my first time seeing Atlas without clothes. It’s not like I’m
brand-new to this, or him, or even to showering with him. But every time I’m with him, it’s like my heart gets amnesia.

I make it to the doorway of his bathroom, disappointed to see that his shower is hidden behind half of a stone wall. I can hear the breaks and splashes in the shower stream, and I feel a tightening in every curve of my body.

I don’t leave my clothes with his. I stay dressed and slowly make my way over to the shower. I press my back flush against the long wall of his bathroom, and I inch closer to the shower opening, leaning my head in just enough to get a peek at him.

Atlas is standing under the stream of water, his eyes closed, the water coming down directly on his face as he runs his fingers through his hair. I stay quiet and still and continue leaning against the wall while I watch him.

He knows I’m here, but he ignores my presence and allows me to soak up the sight of him. I want to run my hands over the rise and fall of muscles across his shoulders, and I want to kiss the dimples in his lower back. He is absolutely beautiful.

Once he rinses all the soap out of his hair and off his face, he looks toward me. His eyes catch mine, and they narrow. Darken. Then he faces me, my gaze falling, falling…

“Lily.”

My eyes move back up to his, and he’s smirking. Then, so quickly, he strides across the wet tile and yanks me away from the wall until I’m wrapped in his arms. He pulls me into the shower with him, and I gasp from the rush of it all.

He catches my gasp in his mouth as he grips my thighs, pulling my wet-blue-jean-covered legs around him. My back
meets the shower wall, taking some of my weight off Atlas so that he can free up a hand.

He uses that free hand to unbutton my shirt.

I use both of mine to help him. We stop kissing long enough for him to lower me to my feet so that he can slip the shirt down my arms. The shirt plops against the shower floor with a small splash just as Atlas’s fingers meet the button on my jeans.

His mouth is hungry and back on mine as he slides his hands between my hips and my panties, tugging my clothes down one difficult inch at a time.

He grips the waistband on the sides of my jeans and lowers himself down my body as he works to slide them off me. Once they’re around my ankles, I help him by kicking them off, then he places his hands on the backs of my calves and slowly works his way back up me.

When he’s fully standing again, his fingers gather behind my back at the clasp of my bra. My stomach clenches as he begins to unfasten it. His mouth finds mine again, but this kiss is gentle and slow, like the removal of this last piece of clothing deserves to be savored.

I feel his hands slide to my shoulders, and then he tucks his fingers beneath the straps and slips them down my arms. My bra begins to fall away from me, and Atlas pulls away from my mouth long enough to admire me. His hand curves over my hip, and then slides over my ass, squeezing me.

I wrap my arms around his neck and slide my lips across his jaw, settling my mouth over his ear. “Then what?”

I watch as chills break out over his arms. He groans, and then lifts me higher up the wall until we’re aligned at
the waist. I roll my hips into him, wanting to feel him hard against me, and he meets my movement with a quick thrust, forcing me to gasp. It’s obvious we both want this, but he still looks at me for permission before he takes me right here in the shower. We’ve had the proper conversations about my being on birth control, and both of us having been tested, so I just nod and whisper a desperate “Yes.”

I grip his shoulders tighter in an attempt to take more weight off his arms so that he can position himself to push into me. He uses his left arm to hold me up and his right hand to grip himself, and then he rolls his hips forward and up until I feel the pressure of him inside of me.

He sighs into my neck at the same time I release all the breath in my chest. It comes out like a moan, and that sound encourages Atlas to get that noise out of me again.

My legs are tight around his waist, but he thrusts against me hard enough for them to unlock at the ankles. I start to slip down him, but he hoists me back up and repositions himself until I’m filled with him all over again.

I release another moan, and he rolls into me a second time, and a third time, and it may not be as graceful against a water-soaked shower wall as it is in a bed, but I can’t get enough of the unruly side of him.

He gives me that unruly side of him for several minutes before we’re both too weak and breathless to continue this without the support of a bed. He doesn’t say anything after he pulls out of me and lowers me to my feet. He just turns off the water and then grabs a towel. He starts at my hair, squeezing water out of it with both his hands, and then he slowly works his way down my body with the towel until I’m dry enough.
He does a quick swipe of himself with the towel before grabbing my hand and walking me out of the bathroom.

I don’t know how something as simple as him holding my hand on our way to the bedroom can make my heart expand.

Atlas lifts the blanket and motions for me to climb into his bed. It’s so comfortable, it feels like I’m nestling into a cloud. He scoots in next to me, stopping only when he can’t come even a centimeter closer to me. He’s on his side, but he rolls me so that I’m flat on my back, tucked against him.

I like this position. I like the way he’s holding himself up on his elbow, hovering over me. I like the slight grin in his eyes, as if I’m a reward he’s earned.

Atlas lowers himself and we’re no longer easing into these kisses. It’s an immediate deep and hungry kiss that starts with the dive of his tongue and ends with him impressively reaching for a condom and putting it on without interrupting the strength of his kiss. Atlas grips the inside of my thigh and pushes my leg aside to make room for himself.

Then he’s above me, pushing into me, and he moves against me until I find myself in the middle of a beautiful falling apart.

Atlas is on his back on the bed, and I’m curled into him, my leg draped over his thigh. These are the moments I look forward to sharing with him the most. The quiet minutes we get to steal from the chaos of our lives, where it’s just the two of us, satiated, content. My head is resting on his chest, his fingers are trailing back and forth over my arm.

He kisses the top of my head and says, “How long has it been since we ran into each other on the street?”

“Forty days,” I say.
I’ve been counting.

He makes a
huh
sound, like that surprises him.

“Why? Does it feel longer?”

“No, I just wanted to know if you’ve been counting like I have.”

I laugh and press my lips against his skin, right over his heart.

“How were things at the party today?” he asks me. I know what he’s asking without him having to say it. He wants to know how Ryle treated me.

“The party was good. I spoke to Ryle for maybe five seconds.”

“Was he unkind?”

“No. We just stayed out of each other’s way, mostly.”

Atlas runs his fingers through my hair, pulling them through the strands and letting them fall over my back. He takes another handful and repeats the movement. “That’s progress. Hopefully it’ll just get easier from here.”

“Hopefully.” I do hope things between Ryle and I continue to get easier, but I’m no longer letting his reactions control my happiness. I’m all-in with Atlas, and I want to be present in that part of my life. If that makes Ryle upset or uncomfortable, Ryle is going to have to bear the burden of those feelings. “I might ask Allysa to have a sit-down with me and Ryle this week. I want to discuss what happened, and what to do going forward, but I don’t want to discuss it with him alone.”

“That’s smart.”

Ryle and I may never get to a point where we can be more than merely civil. But I’d be okay with civil. What I’m not okay with are the insults, the threatening texts, the outbursts. He’s got a lot of work to do, and I’m finally willing to hold him to task.

I probably should have been firmer earlier on, but I’ve been trying to make it work in the least dramatic way possible. But I’m done bending my own life for Ryle’s sake.

My loyalty is to the people who bring positivity into my life. My loyalty is to the people who want to build me up and see me happy. Those are the people I’m going to make decisions about my life for.

I’m going to continue doing the best I can, and that’s all I can do. I may not have made all the right decisions in the right time frames, but the fact that I found the courage to make those decisions at all is what I’m going to keep focusing on.

Atlas slips a finger beneath my chin, tilting my head back so that I’m looking at him. He’s got this look on his face like he’s right where he wants to be. “I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this,” he says. He pulls me closer, sliding me up his chest so that I’m eye to eye with him. He caresses the side of my head. “I wish I could have you in my bed like this every night. I want to shower with you and cook with you and watch TV with you and go grocery shopping with you. I want
everything
with you. I hate that we have to pretend like we don’t already know we’re spending the rest of our lives together.”

It’s incredible how fast a heart rate can double. I slide my fingers over his lips. “We aren’t pretending. We
are
going to spend the rest of our lives together.”

“How long do we have to wait until we start?”

“From the looks of it, we’ve already started,” I say.

“How long do I have to wait before I ask you to move in with me?”

Heat swirls in my stomach. “Six months, at least.”

He nods as if he’s taking mental notes. “And how long before I’m allowed to propose?”

A thickness forms in my throat, making it hard to swallow. “A year. Year and a half.”

“A year from when we move
in
together or a year from
now
?”

“From now.”

He grins, pulling me flat against him. “Good to know.”

I can’t help but laugh into his neck. “That was a surprising conversation.”

“Yeah, my therapist is going to kill me when I tell him about it.”

I’m smiling as I roll off him and lay on my side. I snuggle into the crook of his arm and run my fingers over Atlas’s chest, and then trail them over the ridges of his stomach. His muscles clench and twitch beneath my fingernails. “Do you work out?”

“When I can.”

“It shows.”

Atlas laughs lightheartedly. “Are you trying to flirt with me, Lily?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t need compliments. You’re naked and in my bed. Not much else you need to do; you won me over years ago.”

I lift my head and smirk, like that’s a challenge. “You don’t think so?”

He shakes his head, smiling lazily. He runs his thumb over my bottom lip. “Pretty sure I am filled to capacity. I think I may have even reached enlightenment tonight.”

I keep my eyes locked with his, but I readjust myself, and then I slowly start to slide down his body. “I think I can still impress you,” I whisper. He releases a deep exhale when I press a kiss to his stomach. My gaze is still on his face, and I love that his expression begins to tighten while he watches me.

He swallows when I start to move the sheet aside, until he’s no longer covered below the waist. His eyes darken. “
Fuck
, Lily.”

He allows his head to fall back against his pillow as soon as my tongue slides up the length of him.

He groans when I take him in my mouth, and then I prove him
very
wrong.

I can’t get enough of her, but I think it’s okay because she can’t seem to get enough of me. She woke me up this morning by sliding on top of me and kissing my neck.

She ended up on her back seconds later with my mouth between her thighs.

Maybe we’re so hungry for each other because we know it’s rare that we’ll get days like this. Or maybe it’s because we’ve missed each other for so many years.

Or maybe this is just what things are like when you’re in love. I’ve been with women aside from Lily, but I’m convinced she’s the only one I’ve ever truly loved.

My feelings for Lily are amplified unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. They’re even more amplified than the feelings I had for her when we were younger. It’s different now—stronger, deeper, more exciting. There’s no way in hell I’d walk away from her now like I did back then.

I know I was in a different headspace entirely at the age of eighteen, and that had a lot to do with why I didn’t feel like I should stick around for her. But I’m all-in now. I absolutely hate the idea of taking it slow. I get why we need to, but I don’t have to like it. I want her near me every day, because I feel absolutely unfulfilled on the days I can’t see her.

Now that we’ve stayed the night together, I have a feeling the ache is going to get worse. I’m going to grow irritable when I have to go too long without seeing her. She’s standing right next to me while we brush our teeth, but I’m already dreading that she’s about to leave.

Maybe if I offer to cook her breakfast, I’ll get her for at least another hour.

“Why do you have a spare toothbrush?” Lily asks me. She spits her toothpaste into my sink and winks at me. “You have overnight guests a lot?”

I smile at her and rinse my mouth, but I don’t answer that question. I have that toothbrush for her, but I don’t want to admit it. I’ve made a lot of small moves over the years that were all excused with
just in case Lily…

After she left my place a couple of years ago while she was hiding from Ryle, I went out and bought a lot of things just in case she needed to come back. An extra toothbrush, more comfortable pillows for my guest room, a change of clothes in case she showed up in an emergency.

I had a Lily emergency kit, if you will. I guess now it’s more of a Lily
sleepover
kit. And yes, I brought it all to the new house with me when I moved. I’ve always had a little bit of hope that we’d end up together someday.

Hell, if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve had a great deal of hope. I’ve based a lot of my decisions on the possibility that Lily might come back into my life. I even chose this house over another one I was considering, simply because of the backyard. It looked like a backyard Lily would fall in love with.

I wipe my mouth on a hand towel and then hand it to her to use. “Can I make you breakfast before you go?”

“Yeah, but kiss me first. I taste better than I did this morning.” She stands on her tiptoes and I wrap my arms around her and lift her the rest of the way to my mouth. I kiss her while I walk her out of the bathroom and then drop her onto my mattress. I hover over her.

“You want pancakes? Crepes? An omelet? Biscuits and gravy?” Before she can answer me, my doorbell rings. “Josh is home.” I give her a quick peck. “He likes pancakes. Will that work?”

“I love pancakes.”

“Pancakes it is.” I walk to the living room and unlock the door for Josh. I open it, and then I immediately freeze at the sight of my mother.

I sigh, frustrated I didn’t use the peephole.

She looks at me flatly, her arms folded across her chest. “I got a visit from a caseworker yesterday.” Her eyes are accusing, but at least she isn’t yelling.

I am not about to do this with Lily here. I step outside and try to close the door, but my mother slaps it open. “Josh, get out here!” she yells into the house.

“He isn’t here.” I keep my voice low.

“Where is he?”

“At a friend’s house.” I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time. Brad said he’d have Josh here by ten, and it’s ten fifteen.
Please don’t let him show up while Sutton is here.

“Call him,” she demands.

The door is wide open from when Sutton pushed it, so I can see out of the corner of my eye when Lily emerges from the hallway.

This is not how I wanted my morning with Lily to end. I can feel the regret slide all the way through me. I shoot her an apologetic look, and then give my attention back to Sutton.

“What did the caseworker say?” I ask her.

Her mouth screws into a tight twist, and then she looks to her left. “They’re not even opening an investigation. If you don’t return him to me today, I’ll file charges.”

I know the steps Child Protective Services has to take during an investigation, and they haven’t even contacted Josh for an interview yet. “You’re lying. I’d like you to leave.”

“I’ll leave when I have my son.”

I exhale. “He doesn’t want to live with you right now.”
Or ever
, but I save that sting.

“He doesn’t want to
live
with me,” she repeats with a laugh. “What kid that age
wants
to live with their parents? And how many parents
haven’t
slapped a kid that age? They don’t end custody over that.
Jesus
Christ.” She folds her arms over her chest again. “The only reason you’re doing this is to get back at me.”

If she knew me, she would know I’m not vengeful like she is. But of course, the conclusion she comes up with is something that only fits her own personality. “Do you miss him?” I ask her, my voice calm. “Honestly. Do you miss him? Because if you’re doing this to prove something to someone, just let it go.
Please.
”

Brad’s car turns onto the street, and I wish there were a way I could ask him to keep driving. But he’s pulling up to the curb before I can even reach my phone. Sutton follows my line of sight and sees Josh opening the back door of Brad’s car.

She immediately walks toward the car, but Josh pauses when he sees her. More like
freezes
. He doesn’t know what to do.

Sutton snaps her fingers and points at her car. “Let’s go. We’re leaving.”

Josh immediately looks at me. I shake my head and motion for him to come inside. Brad can sense something is off, so he puts the car in park and opens his door.

Josh ducks his head and walks directly across the yard, past Sutton, and rushes toward me. Sutton is hot on his trail, so I try to get Josh inside quick enough to close the door on her, but she’s too fast. I’m not about to injure her with the door, so I just let her inside.

I guess we’re doing this now.

I wave to Brad to let him know he can go, and then I look at Lily, who is standing against a wall, watching everything unfold with a surprised look on her face.

I mouth,
I’m sorry
.

Josh tosses his backpack on the floor and sits down on the couch, firmly folding his arms. “I’m not going with you,” he says to Sutton.

“This isn’t up to you.”

Josh looks directly at me, pleading. “You said I could stay here.”

“You can.”

Sutton shoots daggers at me like I’m out of line. Maybe I am. Maybe it’s not my business to be getting in the way of a mother and her child, but she should have thought twice about that before she made me that child’s brother. I can’t turn the other way and just hope he makes it out okay.

“If you don’t come with me, I’ll have your brother arrested.”

Josh slaps his hands on the couch and pushes himself up. “Why can’t it be
my
choice?” he yells. “Why do I have to live with either one of you? I’ve told you both I want to live with my dad, but no one will help me
find
him!” Josh’s voice cracks, and then he’s marching down the hallway. The slam of his door makes me flinch… or maybe it was what he said before running to his room.

Either way, I feel punctured.

Sutton can see the sting because she’s staring at me, assessing my reaction to that.

Then she starts to laugh. “Oh,
Atlas
. You thought you were doing something here? Forming a
bond
with him?” She shakes her head and throws up her hand in defeat. “Take him to his daddy. You’ll be running back to me next week, just like you did the last time you needed my help.”

She walks to the door and leaves, and I’m too dazed by everything that just happened to walk over and lock it.

Lily does it for me.

She starts to walk toward me with a face full of sympathy, but as soon as she pulls me in for a hug, I shake my head and separate myself from her. “I need a minute.”