It Chooses You (2 page)

We murmured admiration for the jacket, which was entirely ordinary, and I asked if I could turn on the tape recorder. Michael settled into a medical-looking chair and I perched on the couch. I glanced at my questions, but now they seemed beside the point.

Miranda: When did you begin your gender transformation?

Michael: Six months ago.

Miranda: And when did you know that you —

Michael: Oh, well, I knew it when I was a child, but I’ve been in the closet all my life. I came out in 1996 and then went back in the closet again, but this time I’m not going to go back in the closet. I’m going to complete the transformation.

Miranda: So the first time you came out must have been hard. You must not have had a good experience?

Michael: It wasn’t hard. I just decided to do it, and I don’t know why I went back in the closet. It’s one of those psychological things that I’m going to a psychologist to work out.

Michael spoke softly and with a sort of evenness that made me wonder if he was a little bit drugged. Nothing crazy, maybe just some muscle relaxers to take the edge off. The thought calmed me — I was glad there was some padding between him and my invasive questions. I wished I was on muscle relaxers too.

Miranda: What was your life like before you came out?

Michael: I was trying to be the same as every other man, and hiding the fact that inside I felt like a woman. I knew that when I was a child, but I had this strong fear of coming out for a long time. The movement for gay people to come out helped me realize that I shouldn’t do that.

Miranda: What did you do for a living?

Michael: I ran my own business as an auto mechanic.

Miranda: What do you do now?

Michael: Now I’m retired.

Miranda: What are you living on?

Michael: On Social Security benefits. This is a Section 8 building, so rent is very reasonable. And before this building I lived in the cheapest rooming house in Hollywood.

Miranda: And how do you spend your days?

Michael: I go shopping and watch television, and I go for walks for my health.

Miranda: What shows are your favorites?

Michael:
The Price Is Right
and the news.

Miranda: And do you feel like you have a community here?

Michael: I do have a community. I’m going to Transgender Perceptions meetings every Friday at the Gay and Lesbian Center on McCadden, and there’s a bunch of other transgender people that go. Male-to-female, female-to-male. There’s two I met there that had their major surgeries forty years ago.

I asked if we could look around his apartment and he said sure. Michael stayed seated and watched us as we walked around, quietly peering at everything.

It reminded me of being at a garage sale, the rude feeling of surveying someone’s entire life in one greedy glance. Every few seconds I raised my eyebrows with reassuring interest, but Michael was not concerned.

Miranda: Can I look at your movie collection?

Michael: Oh, that’s all pornography.

I nodded and smiled warmly to indicate how okay I was with pornography.

Michael: You can look through it.

I knelt down and studied the tapes. They were all of women, or what seemed to be women. I did one of those modern calculations: male-to-female + porn for straight men = he wants to be lesbian?

Miranda: Is it women that you like?

Michael: Well, there’s straight pornography and there’s trans pornography. There’s also some pornography with she-males too. And that’s about it.

This answer just created more questions, but I was too shy to ask them. I took my pre-written questions out of my pocket.

Miranda: Have you ever had a computer?

Michael: No, I’ve never had any computers. I may get one someday. I use the computer at the library.

Miranda: Is there anything you want that you worry you’ll never have?

Michael: No, not at this age.

Miranda: You feel like you’ve come to peace with things?

Michael: Yeah. The only thing left is my completed transition; that’s the only thing left that I’m desiring. I’m waiting for that.

Miranda: And what would you say has been the happiest time in your life so far?

Michael: Oh, I just enjoy living. I’m always happy. I can’t say between one or the other which is the happiest time. I never thought about that.

Miranda: Not everyone enjoys living — is that just part of the spirit you were born with, or do you think your parents instilled that?

Michael: No. It’s part of my spirit that I was born with. I was never taught that idea.