Isabella's Last Request (13 page)

             
‘Here you go girls I’ve got the answer to your problems; this box set is called Idiot Abroad. They send Karl Pilkington to see the Seven Wonders of the World, so as my wife is too sick to see them herself; I’ve bought them to her, and you of course Olivia. Also this will be more fun because the guy’s a moron, and he’s in the hands of Ricky Gervais.’

             
‘Aw, thanks baby! I love him on the Ricky Gervais Show so I’m sure I’ll love this. He's not a moron I think he's got a point with most of what he says actually! Could you put it on for me? Livs you want to watch now don’t you?’

             
‘Yeah sure’ Josh and I answer in unison, although it sounds completely different with our accents.

Josh puts on the first DVD before leaving us alone in Isabella’s bedroom.

Since we got home from Amsterdam, Isabella’s been going downhill really fast. She now spends most of her time in the house, usually in her bed like she is now. She drifts in and out of sleep, or pain induced comas. Ollie stayed for a couple of days after we got back from Amsterdam, so I didn’t see her for about 48 hours. It was the biggest shock seeing her in this state, after seeing her basically pain free and high as a kite in Amsterdam.

Josh has been amazing, looking after her and also Rita who’s really struggling. We knew it would be hard, especially near the end. But nothing can prepare you for what it’s really like; nothing can prepare you for seeing your best friend fade before your very eyes. I try to focus my attention on Karl Pilkington, but I can feel the flood gates open and the tears cascading my face with silent sobs. I pray Isabella won’t notice.

              ‘Please don’t cry Livs. I don’t want people to be sad when I go. Please promise me you’ll celebrate my life and not mourn my death.’

I can’t answer Isabella without a wobble to my voice so I simply nod.

              ‘Also, promise me you’ll complete the list and if you can, get the boys to go with you. If I don’t get a chance to sort through my things, please make sure my dad and siblings get something to remember me by. I want you to choose where to scatter my ashes; I want to be somewhere foreign and exciting. Somewhere I’ve not been before and somewhere that makes you happy. Also, as much as I hate the thought of it; I need you to help Josh move on and find love again. We still haven’t officially married and it looks like we won’t be able to now, so he won’t have the whole dead wife thing to explain, just a dead fiancée.’

             
‘Isabella, I... I’m not sure…’

             
‘You won’t remember all of this so go grab a pen and paper. Let’s write my will as you’ve interrupted Karl Pilkington now.’

              ‘Well I didn’t half look like a gambling addict did I? They looked at me like I had a problem and I cleared them out of all their £1 cards, but I bought us 100 £1 scratch cards each.’

             
‘Ha, Livs you got them from the same shop? No wonder they thought you probably had issues!’

             
‘Yeah okay, I guess it was a little lazy of me. Here’s a penny, now let’s get scratching.’

Izzy
and I silently scratch away. The first time I win £500 I squeal with delight and the first time Isabella wins £1000 she cheers, but after that we’re completely silent. Between the two of us, our “win” pile just keeps growing; and by the end of it we’ve won £2,753. We agree to split it in half; my half will help cover my travelling costs for the rest of our list. Izzy’s half will cover the cost of her funeral so her mum won’t have to worry at all.

             
‘Well that was intense! Shall we watch the final idiot abroad now?’

The last week has flown by; we’ve watched all of both series’ of Idiot Abroad except this last episode. Josh has watched a few with us, but uses most of that time to do jobs around the house and help Rita with whatever she needs doing.

Isabella’s had a lot of visitors, some of which have come to say goodbye as sadly they don’t think they’ll get the chance to see her again. These were definitely the hardest ones for Isabella to deal with, because in her mind she’s not going away anytime soon. I think it’s really selfish of these people to do it, I know they’re just trying to get closure… but to upset Isabella in the meantime is selfish. I had to take Rita out yesterday so Greg and his kids could come over and visit
Izzy. I’m gutted for Isabella that she didn’t get to meet her dad sooner, because they’re so close now. I so wish I had the opportunity to meet my dad.

              After a very intense week of visitors Isabella had another bad turn, her final bad turn. The doctor came to give her some medicine to make her last moments as pain free as possible, this knocked her out and she was barley able to stay awake, let alone talk with it. So when the time came to take the next dose she refused until she'd had some very important talks. First, Ollie was called into her bedroom where he stayed for just over half an hour and came out red eyed and snotty nosed. As soon as he came back into the room, he told Josh to go to her before falling into my arms. Feeling him shake as tears coursed their way through his big, manly body was enough to set me off. We held each other as we cried and rocked until I heard Josh scream out from the bedroom and Rita went running up to them. I'd forgotten Rita was in the room, I must hold it together for her. I can be brave I know I can, I have to be, soon I'll have to be strong for myself. I look at the photo Ollie took of Isabella on the beach all those months ago, it's now hanging up above the fireplace as a large canvas. I will channel Isabella's strength even if... I can't finish that sentence. 

              Rita and Josh are gone for ages, it must be well over an hour. By the time they come back into the room I've fallen asleep in Ollie's arms, I think I'm emotionally exhausted. Rita gently shakes me awake.

             
'I'm sorry to wake you sweetheart but you need to see her now. The pain is getting too much for her but she won't take any more meds until she has spoke to you. She said she's saving the best until last!'

             
Oh God I'm crying before I've even got to Isabella's room. I push open her door and see her propped up against a mountain of pillows. I run over to her and throw my arms across her frail body and for the first time in a very long time, longer than I can remember, Isabella cries. We stay like that until my tears have soaked into her hair and I can no longer breathe.

             
'No more tears now Livs, this is not a goodbye, because goodbye means I'll be gone and forgotten about. I'm always going to be with you, I will be your guardian angel. I will be with you every step of your life. When you and Ollie get married and have a beautiful daughter, who you will naturally call Isabella, you will wish I was with you, you will miss me and you will probably cry, because you know that's what you do. BUT you won't need to because I will be in your heart and by your side. You have all these plans for your life but you keep saying you will do them when you grow up, you know what, you are grown up so just bloody well do it! If you don't do everything you want to and live your life to the full I will actually haunt you, I swear to God I'm not kidding!

             
You have been the most amazing person in my life from the very first moment, don't tell mum or Josh but I love you the most! You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for, so you make sure you make lots of fab new friends and share your life with them. You have to promise me you will finish the list even the bits you don't want to, oh and next time it rains I want you to go outside and dance in the rain as if no one is watching you!

I love you more than I love myself and you know me,
that's a lot!'

             
I'm so glad Izzy has talked continually not letting me get a word in edgeways as I don't think I could talk right now, other that to tell her the most important thing.

             
'I love you more than anything Izzy and I promise this isn't goodbye. But it is time for you to have some more meds and... and be... pain free. It's time to sleep now beautiful princess.'

I can't say this very well without sobbing.

              ‘Ok Livs, I think I'm ready to go to sleep now. Oh but one last thing, as you love me, will you see if Karl Pilkington will come to my funeral? I think he’d make for wonderful entertainment.’

She's amazing! Just like that she has lightened the mood and made me want to laugh rather than cry!

              ‘Isabella!! It’s not meant to be entertaining; it’s your bloody funeral! I will put on the last episode though, so be quiet and lets watch it.’

             
Bruno Mars - Just the way you are suddenly floats over the speakers and as soon as I hear it I almost break down. The words are so apt for Isabella, she really was amazing just the way she was.

The crematorium has filled up quickly. I’m standing right at
the front with Josh and Rita to my left, and Ollie to my right. I know the start of the song means they’re about to bring her down the aisle, but I can’t bring myself to turn and look.

             
My eyes are shut but at that moment both Josh and Ollie grab my hands, so I know her coffin must be beside us.              

‘
Livs open your eyes’ Ollie murmurs.

I open my eyes and see a shiny, white coffin topped with bright, colourful flowers
and a framed version of the photo of Isabella on the beach.

              The last two weeks have been the hardest of my life. First I had to watch Isabella say her goodbyes. I knew she was close to the end, but I was in denial right up until the night of her death. I was hoping she’d go to sleep and wake up better. But instead, after watching An Idiot Abroad with me, she fell asleep in my arms for the very last time. I couldn't bring myself to leave her so I shouted for the others to come upstairs.

I’ve never heard a scream as crazed as the one I heard at 3.10am. I thought it was Rita breaking down at the death of her only child, but then Ollie came running in and carried me out of the room. The sound of the scream followed us, and I realised it was
coming from me. I was making this haunting noise, whilst Josh and Rita just stood in silence.

The rest of the night and the next day were a blur as all the different people came and left. I barely noticed when they took her away, but then I saw Rita and how pale and exhausted she was.  Something about her sad smile made me snap out of it. She’s trying her best to be brave and be a mother figure to me, like she always has, but her hurt was too strong for a genuine smile. For once she needed me, I promised Isabella I’d help her mum sort everything. I wrote down her final wishes, her plans. She didn’t want to upset her mum with these details prematurely, so I was the one she told. She said she wanted a white coffin, bright pink flowers and Bruno Mars. She didn’t want any friends or family to carry her down the aisle because she wanted them to be a part of the “show”, as she called it, and not be a part of it. She wanted her wake to be in the pub where she had her first alcoholic drink. She didn’t want anyone wearing black and she didn’t want anybody to be sad.

This was to be a celebration of life, not a sad occasion.

I helped plan the whole funeral, so I know without looking that When Leaving on a Jet Plane by John Denver comes on, it means the coffin is about to head behind the curtain; ready for my beautiful, kind, caring best friend to be turned to ashes.

I’m pretty sure this song is about a person cheating on their partner and promise they won’t do it again. But Josh was insistent we use this song, apparently he used to sing it to Isabella when he was heading back to America.

My tears have stopped; instead I’m left feeling numb. The service was beautiful and exactly how Isabella would have wanted it. There were readings from one of our friends from school, and Ollie did a reading which Josh and I wrote together but couldn’t bring ourselves to read it without crying. Rita was really strong throughout the whole service, I’m so proud of her.

              ‘I want my mum!’

Ollie looks shocked by my sudden request after I’ve been silent the whole time.

              ‘We’ll see your mum at the pub, right now there are hundreds of people milling about. Look how popular she was. I don’t think I know this many people at my age, let alone when I was 21.’

             
‘We’re only a couple of weeks away from turning 22. Izzy will never get to see 22. She will never get to see 32 or 50 or 100… All these people will forget her soon. They’re only here because she was young when she died.’

             
‘Olivia, please don’t talk like that today. I know how upset you are, but it’s not fair on Isabella’s family, imagine if they heard you say that. Let’s just go to the pub and find your mum shall we?’

I shrug my shoulders and lead the way to the car as my answer. He’s right and I know it, but this whole thing is just so unfair.

My bad mood and depression subsides as soon as we get to the pub. Rita and I dropped off all the decorations last night ready for them to put up while we were at the service. They’ve done a fantastic job, far better than I ever could have.

The walls are covered in photos of Isabella, from her as a tiny baby to the most recent ones of her travelling the world. In every single photo her radiant smile fills the room. Although we’ve just said goodbye to her, it feels like Isabella is here with us.

             
‘How are you copying darling?’

             
‘Mum! Where have you been?’

             
‘Sorry sweetheart, I’ve been helping Rita with the family bits. Things like: making sure Aunt Judy has a drink, ensuring Greg and his family aren’t being left out or causing problems, accepting condolences from Uncle Ken. Those sorts of things… You have Ollie to love and support you, but Rita’s now alone, like me.’

             
I hug my mum tightly as the tears start again. Now I’m crying for my mum as much as for myself. She had to do all of this when my dad was taken too young, and now Isabella’s gone who was like a daughter to her; it must have bought back the memories.

             
If Isabella were here right now, she’d say our mums need love in their life. Once things have gone as close to normal as possible, considering, I’ll put both our mums on dating websites. For Isabella, I will find them both love.