Is This Acid In My Applesauce? (8 page)

Deb arrived at what appeared to be a bloody crime scene. She looked for Theo and saw him step over Curt and start battering an old coatrack with his tiny fists.

So that’s what started it all. This

old forgotten coatrack, easily

dismissed as trash, has become a

symbol for Theo’s fear of aging,

of becoming expendable. The

coat rack must have triggered

a profound hallucination

representing a crisis of

self, a loss of innocence, a

sad triumph of responsibility

over personal freedom. The

monster is ... adulthood.

My philosophy degree ...

was worth the crippling debt after all.

The monster was on the ground, its entrails scattered around the room like piñata candy. Theo towered over his enemy, grinning fiercely. “You want some mayonnaise monster? Because you’re about to get a knuckle sandwich ... WITH THE CRUSTS STILL ON IT!”

“What in god’s pajamas is going on down there!” Curt’s mother shouted as she hobbled down the steps.

“Stay upstairs!” Deb bellowed, but Grandma didn’t listen. It was the slippery paint that got her in the end, and that afternoon Grandma flew high enough to headbutt an eagle. Except instead of an eagle she landed on Deb’s face.

Curt barely heard the crash. In front of him, Theo was standing over the wooden shards of a broken coat rack, looking ready to pounce.
Mother of god, the splinters
was all Curt had time to think before scrambling toward his son.

Theo was going in for the kill when two pale tentacles grabbed him from behind.
Not a chance monster pants.
He gripped the stabby thing he had found in the corner and plunged it into the creature’s neck.

“What happened to you people!” Curt’s father shouted from his armchair. “Is that my insulin?”

“Theo ...” Curt panted. “The - the coat rack.”

“Oh right, that old coat rack. You think that’s what scared him? Pansy.”

“What’s wrong with that boy!” screeched Curt’s mother as she and Deb limped into the room. “It’s those awful video games. And the skateboarders!”

“It’s done,” a voice said.

They all turned to see Theo standing by the stairs wearing Granddad’s fake green beret and a strip of Grandma’s fur coat hanging around his neck like a carcass.

“You’re all safe now thanks to me and my super awesome monster fighting skills,” Theo declared. “You should have seen me down there! I was all like
KERSMASHHHH
and the monster was like
GAHHHH
and then I went
KABANGGGG
and it went
ARGGGG SPLATTT
and then I was like...”

Curt’s parents looked from Theo to Curt and Deb as if they expected a reasonable explanation. As Deb started stuffing
cupcakes in Curt’s mouth to raise his blood sugar, she tried to think of an excuse. PTSD, oxygen allergies, K-Pop - anything woud be better than admitting the truth.
Suddenly her phone vibrated. It was a text.

IT WASN’T ACID.
IT WASN’T ACID.

IT WASN’T ACID.