Read Is That What People Do? Online
Authors: Robert Sheckley
The final hour came at last. I carved the turkey and Edward came out of his room long enough to take a plateful of breast and ask for my comments on his final rewrite of his last chapter, and I said, “It still needs work,” and Rachel said, “That’s cruel,” and Edward said, “Yes, I thought it needed something myself,” and went back to his room. Outside, the streets were deserted except for the unfortunate few who couldn’t get to a television set, and we did up most of the remaining drugs and switched wildly between channels. I had brought my typewriter into the kitchen and I was getting it all down, and Rachel talked of the holidays we should have taken, and I thought about the women I should have loved, and at five to twelve Edward came out of his room again and showed me the rewritten last chapter, and I said, “You’ve got it this time,” and he said, “I thought so, is there any more coke left?” And we did up the rest of the drugs and Rachel said to me, “For Chrissakes, can’t you stop typing?” And I said, “I have to get it all down,” and she hugged me, and Edward hugged me, and the three of us hugged the children, whom we had allowed to stay up late because it was the end of the world, and I said, “Rachel, I’m sorry about everything,” and she said, “I’m sorry too,” and Edward said, “I don’t think I did anything wrong, but I’m sorry too.” “Sorry about what?” the children asked, but before we had a chance to tell them, before we could even decide what we were sorry about…
THE FUTURE LOST
Leonard Nisher was found in front of the Plaza Hotel in a state of agitation so extreme that it took the efforts of three policemen and a passing tourist from Biloxi, Mississippi, to subdue him. Taken to St. Clare’s Hospital, he had to be put into a wet pack—a wet sheet wound around the patient’s arms and upper body. This immobilized him long enough for an intern to get a shot of Valium into him.
The injection had taken effect by the time Dr. Miles saw him. Miles told two husky aides, one of them a former guard for the Detroit Lions, and a psychiatric nurse named Norma to wait outside. The patient wasn’t going to assault anyone just now. He was throttled way back, riding the crest of a Valium wave where there’s nothing to hassle and even a wet pack can have its friendly aspects.
“Well, Mr. Nisher, how do you feel now?” Miles asked.
“I’m fine, doc,” Nisher said. “Sorry I caused that trouble when I came out of the space-time anomaly and landed in front of the Plaza.”
“It could affect anyone that way,” Miles said reassuringly.
“I guess it sounds pretty crazy,” Nisher said. “There’s no way I can prove it, but I have just been into the future and back again.”
“Is the future nice?” Miles asked.
“The future,” Nisher said, “is a pussycat. And what happened to me there—well, you’re not going to believe it.”
The patient, a medium-sized white male of about thirty-five, wearing an off-white wet pack and a broad smile, proceeded to tell the following story.
Yesterday he had left his job at Hanratty & Smirch, Accountants, at the usual time and gone to his apartment on East Twenty
-
fifth Street. He was just putting the key in the lock when he heard something behind him. Nisher immediately thought
mugger
, and whirled around in the cockroach posture that was the basic defense mode in the Taiwanese karate he was studying. There was no one there. Instead there was a sort of red, shimmering mist. It floated toward Nisher and surrounded him. Nisher heard weird noises and saw flashing lights before he blacked out.
When he regained consciousness, someone was saying to him, “Don’t worry, it’s all right.” Nisher opened his eyes and saw that he was no longer on Twenty-fifth Street. He was sitting on a bench in a beautiful little park with trees and ponds and promenades and strangely shaped statues and tame deer, and there were people strolling around, wearing what looked like Grecian tunics. Sitting beside him on the bench was a kindly, white-haired old man dressed like Charlton Heston playing Moses.
“What is this?” Nisher asked. “What’s happened?”
“Tell me,” the old man said, “did you happen to run into a reddish cloud recently? Aha! I thought so! That was a local space-time anomaly, and it has carried you away from your own time and into the future.”
“The future?” Nisher said. “The future what?”
“Just the future,” the old man said. “We’re about four hundred years ahead of you, give or take a few years.”
“You’re putting me on,” Nisher said. He asked the old man in various ways where he
really
was, and the old man replied that he really was in the future, and it was not only true, it wasn’t even unusual, though of course it wasn’t the sort of thing that happens every day. At last Nisher had to accept it.
“Well, okay,” he said. “What sort of future is this?”
“A very nice one,” the old man assured him.
“No alien creatures have taken us over?”
“Certainly not.”
“Has lack of fossil fuels reduced our standard of living to a bare subsistence level?”
“We solved the energy crisis a few hundred years ago when we discovered an inexpensive way of converting sand into shale.”
“What are your major problems?”
“We don’t seem to have any.”
“So this is Utopia?”
The old man smiled. “You must judge for yourself. Perhaps you would like to look around during your brief stay here.”
“Why brief?”
“These space-time anomalies are self-regulating,” the old man said. “The universe won’t tolerate for long your being
here
when you ought to be
there.
But it usually takes a little while for the universe to catch up. Shall we go for a stroll? My name is Ogun.”
They left the park and walked down a pleasant, tree-lined boulevard. The buildings were strange to Nisher’s eye and seemed to contain too many strange angles and discordant colors. They were set back from the street and bordered with well-kept green lawns. It looked to Nisher like a really nice future. Nothing exotic, but nice. And there were people walking around in their Grecian tunics, and they all looked happy and well fed. It was like a Sunday in Central Park.
Then Nisher noticed one couple who had gone beyond the talking stage. They had taken their clothes off. They were, to use a twentieth-century expression, making it.
No one seemed to think this was unusual. Ogun didn’t comment on it; so Nisher didn’t say anything, either. But he couldn’t help noticing, as they walked along, that other people were making it, too. Quite a few people. After passing the seventh couple so engaged, Nisher asked Ogun whether this was some sexual holiday or whether they had stumbled onto a fornicator’s convention.
“It’s nothing special,” Ogun said.
“But why don’t these people do it in their homes or in hotel rooms?”
“Probably because most of them happened to meet here in the street.”
That shook Nisher. “Do you mean that these couples never knew each other before?”
“Apparently not,” Ogun said. “If they had, I suppose they would have arranged for a more comfortable place in which to make love.”
Nisher just stood there and stared. He knew it was rude, but he couldn’t help it. Nobody seemed to mind. He observed how people looked at each other as they walked along, and every once in a while somebody would smile at someone, and someone else would smile back, and they would sort of hesitate for a moment, and then…
Nisher tried to ask about twenty questions at the same time. Ogun interrupted. “Let me try to explain, since you have so little time among us. You come from an age of sexual repression and rebelliousness. To you this must appear a spectacle of unbridled license. For us it is no more than a normal expression of affection and solidarity.”
“So you’ve solved the problem of sex!” Nisher said.
“More or less by accident,” Ogun told him. “We were really trying to abolish war before it obliterated us. But to get rid of war, we had to change the psychological base upon which it rests. Repressed sexuality was found to be the greatest single factor. Once this was recognized and the information widely disseminated, a universal plebiscite was held. It was agreed that human sexual mores were to be modified and reprogrammed for the good of the entire human race. Biological engineering and special clinics—all on a voluntary basis, of course—took care of that. Divorced from aggression and possessiveness, sex today is a mixture of aesthetics and sociability.”
Nisher was about to ask Ogun how that affected marriage and the family when he noticed that Ogun was smiling at an attractive blonde and edging over in her direction. “Hey, Ogun!” Nisher said. “Don’t leave me now!”
The old man looked surprised. “My dear fellow, I wasn’t going to exclude you. Quite the contrary, I want to
include
you. We all do.”
Nisher saw that a lot of people had stopped. They were looking at him, smiling.
“Now wait a minute,” he said, automatically taking up the cockroach posture.
But by then a woman had hold of his leg, and another was snuggling up under his armpit, and somebody else was pinching his Fingers. Nisher got a little hysterical and shouted at Ogun, “Why are they doing this?”
“It is a spontaneous demonstration of our great pleasure at the novelty and poignancy of your presence. It happens whenever a man from the past appears among us. We feel so sorry for him and what he has to go back to, we want to share with him, share all the love we have. And so this happens.”
Nisher felt as though he were in the middle of a Cinemascope mob scene set in ancient Rome, or maybe Babylon. The street was crowded with people as far as the eye could see, and they were all making it with one another and on top of one another and around and under and over and in between. But what really got to Nisher was the feeling that the crowd gave off. It went completely beyond sex. It felt like a pure ocean of love, compassion, and understanding. He saw Ogun’s face receding in a wave of bodies and called out, “How far does this thing go?”
“Visitors from the past always send out big vibrations,” Ogun shouted back. “This will probably go all the way.”
All the way? Nisher couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. Then he got it and said, almost reverently, “Do you mean—planet-wide?”
Ogun grinned, then he was gone. Nisher saw the way it had to be—this group of people loving one another and pulling more and more people into it as the vibes got stronger and stronger until everybody in the world was in on it. To Nisher this was definitely Utopia. He knew he had to figure out some way of bringing this message back to his own time, some way to convince people. Then he looked up and saw that he was on Central Park South, in front of the Plaza.
“I suppose the transition was just too much for you?” Miles asked.
Nisher smiled. His eyelids were drooping. The Valium rush was passing, and he was coming down fast.
“I guess I just freaked out,” Nisher said. “I thought I could explain it to everyone. I thought I could just grab people and make them give up their hangups, that I could show them how their bodies were shaped for love. But I went at it too hysterically, of course; I scared them. And then the cops grabbed me.”
“How do you feel now?” Miles asked.
“I’m tired and disappointed, and I’ve come back to my senses, if that’s what you want to call it. Maybe it was all an hallucination. That doesn’t matter. What counts is that I’m back and in my own day and age, when we still have wars and energy crises and sexual hangups, and nothing I can do will change that.”
“You seem to have made a very rapid adjustment,” Miles said.
“Hell, yes. No one ever accused Leonard Nisher of being a slow adjuster.”
“You sound good to me,” Miles said. “But I would like you to stay here for a few days. This is not a punishment, you understand. It is genuinely meant as an assistance to you.”
“Okay, doc,” Nisher said drowsily. “How long must I stay?”
“Perhaps no more than a day or two. I’ll release you as soon as I’m satisfied with your condition.”
“Fair enough,” Nisher mumbled. And then he fell asleep. Miles told the orderlies to stand by, and alerted the psychiatric nurse. Then he went to his nearby apartment to get some rest.
Nisher’s story haunted Miles as he broiled a steak for his lunch. It couldn’t be true, of course. But suppose, just suppose, it had actually happened. What if the future had achieved a state of polymorphous-perverse sexuality? There was, after all, a fair amount of evidence that space-time anomalies did exist.
Abruptly he decided to visit his patient again. He left his apartment and went back to the hospital, hurrying now, impelled by a strange sense of urgency.
There was no one at the reception desk on Wing Two. The policeman normally stationed in the corridor was missing. Miles ran down the hall. Leonard’s door was open, and Miles peered in.
Someone had folded Leonard’s cot and leaned it against the wall. That left just enough room on the floor for two aides (one a former guard for the Detroit Lions), a psychiatric nurse named Norma, two student nurses, a policeman, and a middle-aged woman from Denver who had been visiting a relative.
“Where is Leonard?” cried Miles.
“That guy musta hypnotized me,” the policeman said, struggling into his trousers.
“He preached a message of love,” said the woman from Denver, wrapping herself in Leonard’s wet pack.
“Where is he?” Miles shouted.
White curtains flapped at the open window. Miles stared out into the darkness. Nisher had escaped. His mind inflamed by his brief vision of the future, he was sure to be preaching his message of love up and down the country.
He could be anywhere
, Miles thought.
How on earth can I find him? How can I join him?
WILD TALENTS, INC.
Glancing at his watch, Waverley saw that he still had ten minutes before the reporters were due. “Now then,” he said in his best interviewing voice, “what can I do for you, sir?”
The man on the other side of the desk looked startled for a moment, as though unaccustomed to being addressed as
sir.
Then he grinned, suddenly and startlingly.
“This is the place, isn’t it?” he asked. “The place of refuge?”